How to communicate with my 12 year old daughter during my divorce

[DAD8452]

I AM IN A DIVORCE PROCESS I HAVE  A 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND A 9 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.  I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN EXTREMELY CLOSE AND I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN INVOLVED PARENT IN ALL ASPECTS.  DURING THIS DIVORCE PROCESS, MY 12 YEAR OLD DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME OR HANG OUT WITH ME.  I HAVE TRIED TO TALK TO HER, BUT SHE JUST CRIES AND TREATS ME LIKE IF SHE DOES NOT RESPECT ME.  I HAVE SPOKEN TO MY SOON TO BE X WIFE REGARDING THIS SITUATION, BUT SHE DOES NOT HELP THE SITUATION.  SHE IS OK WITH MY DAUGHTER NOT WANTING TO BE AROUND ME OR TALK TO ME.  MY DAUGHTER HAS CHECKED MY CELL PHONE AND TAKEN SNAP SHOT PICTURES OF PICTURES FROM MY CELL AND SHOWN THEM TO HER MOTHER.  OF COURSE MY SOON TO BE X DOES NOT APPROVE OF MY FRIENDS PICTURES.  I NEED SUGGESTION ON HOW TO BREAK THE ICE WITH MY 12 YEAR OLD. HOW CAN I GET HER TO WANT TO BE AND TALK TO ME?????????? PLEASE HELP.

[BabyHardiman]

What pictures did you daughter see on your phone?  It sounds like it may be a "girlfriend" since she is showing the pictures to your soon to be ex-wife.  Is that the case?

NO YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE UP!!  No matter how tuff things get, because they will get tougher, DO NOT give up on your kids.

I have read the book "Divorce and New Beginnings" I would like to recommend that you read it.. and maybe some books on child behavior and psycology to help you better understand their way of thinking at the ages that they are.  Knowledge is power.

Good luck!  I hope you are able to work through this with your ex very soon.

[RockRose]

So your wife didn't want you to leave,  and is kind of surprised you left?  And wants you to come back maybe?

Do they suspect you have a girlfriend?  

It sounds like your daughter is very angry and feels abandoned that you left,  and that your leaving wasn't a mutual thing,  it was your decision and your wife and kids want you back.

I think mediation will be a great next step.  

Best wishes with your daughter.

[DAD8452]

My X yells/cries and talks negative about me infront of the girls with friends/co-workers/familiy members.  My X is very geleous.  I left the house not because I don't love her, I left because of the arguments infront of the girls, we disrespected each other by yelling at each other, etc.  She took for granted everything she had and didn't think about trying to save our marriage.  She gives my 12 year old all the freedom she wants, etc. She encourages her not to spend time with me.  My X keeps telling me my kids don't want to be with me.  She yells at me on the phone with the girls near her that I lost all parental rights towards the girls the day I decided to leave my house.

I really just don't know what to do anymore.  Should I give up and see what the future brings?  I really don't want to, but my X is making it so difficult for me to spend time with my kids.  She breaks all court orders I have in writing regarding the visitation rights.  We are now waiting for the courts to set a mediation date.

[RockRose]

How you proceed probably depends on what caused the divorce - from her reaction she's viewing you as the "bad guy" and her mom as the parent she still wants to be with.

In my experience,  kids are perceptive on what caused the divorce - do you think her hurt is reasonable,  or do you believe she's misunderstood why your marriage broke up?

[musicmama]

It sounds like your daughter is either feeling like she has to choose between you or she is hearing a lot of negative comments from your ex.  It would be good if you and your ex can agree that no matter how you feel about each other, that you keep your negative comments to yourself.  If this is not going to happen, you may wish to write to your daughter letting her know how you feel.  She can't argue with a letter or card.  Maybe she'll warm up soon.  Don't give up.  Good luck and God bless.