Is my child being brainwashed or am I just paranoid...

[rachaelp1982]

Hi

I hope you can help me! A bit of background....

I split up from my 3 year old daughters father when she was 3 months old, since then I have always encouraged him to see her and we have agreed on her going there for dinner every Wednesday and her going there every other weekend, going Friday, coming back Sunday.

There has always been tension as I guess with many separated parents but I've always tried to hide this from my daughter.

Just recently I have been made redundant and am able to spend much more time with my daughter which has been brilliant and we have become extremely close, she's very intelligent and really well behaved, that is until she comes back from her weekends with her dad. At first i noticed that whenever she came home it would almost be like she was a year younger, playing up, refusing to walk anywhere and insisting on being carried to the toilet. When she came to give me a hug or a kiss she'd do it then stop midway, pull back and say things along the lines of "I love my daddy too!" Again I'd say "love you baby" she'd say "love you too but I love my daddy, he's the best". It's not so much what she said but how she would stop herself like she feels guilty showing me any affection without mentioning him. Since then she's scared of her bedroom even though she's always slept fine. When he drops her off she's been clinging to him saying she wants him, which although a bit hurtful when I've been missing her all weekend, I can understand she will miss him.

But yesterday was worse than ever, we have clinging at the door then when he'd gone she cried for him. When she settled I took her to the toilet at her request then when she was on the loo she said "I don't love mummy anymore, I only love daddy" I asked her why and she couldnt answer. As the day wore on she soon came around and forgot what she said then when I was putting her to bed she said "this is the whitches house" I said what do you mean the whitches house, she said yeah this is the whitches house. I asked who said that, she replied - Daddy.

I turned the "Whitches house" into a positive by saying well, at least at the whitches house you have nice toys and treats to which she agreed....

Today she is back to her normal loving self but each time this happens it has me in pieces, especially the I don't love you anymore. I just don't want this to continue or get any worse.

Am I being paranoid or do you think he could be saying something to her? Any help and/or advice would be greatfully appreciated.

[margypops]

I think your idea of speaking to him in front of your parents is a good thing, that way they will be able to judge and may have some input..From what you say I have no doubt that he is saying these things to your daughter maybe out of jealousy ,I suggest that you dont question her about anything further he says,  it is placing her in the middle , if she tells you more nasties,voluntarily, don't react,  brush it off ,play it down, it will only start her into being very anxious about the two of you .As I say talk to his parents about the matter. good luck ..

[rachaelp1982]

Thanks for your replies. I forgot to mention above that about a month ago she came home and said daddy says youre a witch, didnt really bother me as he's called me worse but thinking back, thats about the time she started playing up at bedtime saying she's scared of her bedroom, now i can understand why if he's saying its the witches house and god knows what else. I would talk to him if I thought it would help, he's so difficult to talk to because he will just deny it. I dont even ask him what they've done or what she's eaten etc because I know he'd just lie about it. We were watching a film yesterday and out of the blue she said, "daddy said you threw all my dummies in the bin" - as far as she was concerned, two months ago the "dummy fairy" came now she's a big girl and took her dummies for the smaller babies.... I mean how spiteful can someone be? She's been absolutely fine without them but when she comes back she asks for a dummy so you can bet he's still giving it to her. We've only just been to court to set out the visitations (November) because he kept on about seeing her all the time and always bringing her back late, so to be honest can't really afford to go again yet.
He still lives with his parents so am tempted to have it out with him in front of them, they're pretty good and I'm sure they would also speak to him afterwards about it. Just can't stand him and hate talking to him other than hello, yes she's ready, goodbye... Some women curse the fact that fathers do not want to be involved with the children but then there are some of us which would rather go it alone but for my daughters sake I know I've got to persevere and stay calm :o(

[Jon_Daniel]

I'm a single father and have two children. When my wife and I split my son was 3 and my daughter 5. The children didn't see much of Mum till two years later as Mum was living in a different country. In the beginning my son would hit me and shout at me saying, you bad! you bad! I managed to control myself and ignore the words and just continue as normal. Eventually things got better. Two years later things got tough when Mum decided to try a child abduction case against me. Mum would tell the children that daddy's going to go to prison and so forth. It was really hard to keep a cool head and explain to the children in a way that would not cause them to feel a part of the battle. In the end I won the case and got a residency order in place, Mum now lives in the same country and the children see her every second weekend. When they come back from mum they always play up a bit and then settle down eventually to their normal routine. I would say that if they got to a stage where they having to decide between loving Mum or Dad I would be very concerned. I would certainly take steps to stop the visits. This may end up in a court hearing but then the case would be dealt with accordingly. My argument would be that it’s not in the child’s best interest to have to choose which parent to love and it certainly is not something a child of that age should even be thinking about.

[tinkerbell1124]

Well I don't think your are paranoid at all. He's obviously saying something to her. He shouldn't be calling your house the witches house. I know as a kid I hated my mother when she would say bad things about my dad. You should never talk ill about the other parent NO matter how bad they are. I'm not sure what you can do about this. Maybe talk to him about it.

[margypops]

No you are not paranoid just a concerned mom ,I would have said it was normal behavior of her missing her Dad till I saw the bit about a Witches house, and I think its obvious he is saying things that are not too nice about you  in front of her, and it does happen , with the child in the middle . I think its a good idea to have a word with him and tell him what she said to you, ask him not to speak in that way , its not good for anyone. Incidently is he remarried?.