My 4 year old son is suffering - and so are we

[ChrisCam]

My son (4 years old / 5 in Feb) has be exhibiting what I consider to be serious behavioural issues for the past 3 months.  My Mother moved in with us this year as a result of my separation from my husband (father of my son).  It has been a year of great changes and up until about June, very traumatic events involving our separation (father was in and out of jail / Mental Health hospitals plus restraining orders from both myself and his pre-school against my ex).  Adding the fact that my son went from going to a very good pre-school full time where he bonded strongly with his teacher to starting half day JK in a different school.

This issues are that he doesn't sleep enough, goes to bed at 7:30pm and even though he stays in bed and usually doesn't get up in the middle of the night - he always has dark circles under his eyes and tells us that he lies awake in bed for a long time.  He has been hitting children at school (teacher says that it is never out of anger, more out of boredom) he has been throwing tantrums at home with myself and my Mom.  He says things like he doesn't want to live with us anymore and that he hates us and screams and cries emotionally when asked to do the simplest of things (put boots on, go to the bathroom, eat your vegetables etc..).  He is a very articulate and bright boy with an wide volabulary and advanced comprehensive skills according to his teachers and what we experience.  Until this year, he was always very calm and easy.  He never expresses that he wants to see his father and I do encourage him to talk about him and when he does it is always in a matter-of-fact way ie..that's Dad's book - Dad's really tall etc...  never in an emotional way.  He has started to lie aswell.  For instance if I ask him if he has gone to the bathroom or if he drew the picture or had help etc...
I am very concerned.  My Mother has stated that if things don't improve soon that she will not be able to look after him anymore.  She cries almost everyday and so does he.  He expresses great regret after he says those things to us and he can be extremely caring and affectionate and has a great sense of humour.

Do you feel that this is a result of his age or a build up of all that has happened this year?  I am afraid to add even more change in his life by introducing a specialist if this is simply normal.

How can I and my Mom help him?

Concerned Mom
ChrisCam

[katymary]

I am not a specialist, but my default response is: whenever you are overwhelmed with a parenting issue and are concerned for your child seeking help is the right thing to do. I don't know where you live, but there are family mediation specialists and psychologists for children. I think you all need some help in mapping out this new life circumstance and in coming to grips with the emotional and geographical upheaval you have all suffered. It sounds like your son is asking for help; and it sounds like you are too. Tell your Mum to hang in there; whatever she is suffering pales in comparison to your son. If she leaves and/or gives up on him now, then your son will suffer another loss and feel a responsibility he shouldn't. Is it possible that he feels responsible for his father's absence?

Good luck - you're asking all the right questions - go farther and call your physician today.

katymary

[ChrisCam]

Thank you for your advice.  It is actually the same advice that I just received via email from my son's teacher.  I have already booked an appointment with our family doctor.  As far as his feeling guilty for his fathers departure, I doubt it.  Simply because I have enforced over the last year regularly that it was actually no one's fault that his father is mentally ill (Dad's brain is sick).  He has also not had any contact with his father in 6 months and I would think that if it were a case of wanting his father back that he would've expressed it sooner.  But, I did contact Childrens' Aid and asked them if making a box where he can put anything he feels or wants to share with Dad into it was a good idea.  They said that it was a great idea.  He has only put one piece of paper in it and it was simply "Hope you still love me and I still love you and I hope you get better soon.  Love -----"  But even that was not emotional.  He was happy and cheery about it - but not sad or angry.  That was 2 months ago.  He has not asked about the box. Even when I suggest using it he says "No, I don't need to use it".
It also dawned on me as I am typing out this email,  that with all the Christmas shows, talk and decorations in the malls, that it could be reminding him of the start of the break-up which happened last Christmas/New Years.

I guess all we can do is wait until we see the doctor and keep up communication with his teacher and my Mom and ofcourse my son.

Thanks again for your advise.