Unable to manage angry 15 year old

[free3667]

I would like to know the opinion on those who can relate to my situation. I have a 15 yr son who is generally a very well behaved child, gets good grades in high school, is well liked, has good friends and causes me no problems until recently. A few days back I heard a crash in his room, I found his tv set pulled down because he got mad at playing xbox live. I told him he is through playing the game today. I proceeded to unplug the system at which he probably called me every name in the book, and especially words I did not think he knew.He then punched a hugh hole in his bedroom wall. So I packed everything up and put it in my closet. The next day we rarely spoke but he remained mainly in his room on the laptop. The following day I find out he took back "his" xbox and was playing online. I walked in his room and asked him what he thought he was doing. He was not allowed the gaming system back until he fixed the hole he made and apologized for the hurtful words. He then yells "well its my xbox", I said yes it is but I bought it. So again I unplugged everything. Then he jumps up out of his chair and starts once again cussing and using very verbally abusive language. When I heard him call me a "*****", I immediately turned around and said "what did you call me?', he then back up, I slapped him across his mouth for saying that, then he punched me in the cheekbone. I was stunned, not at the pain but that he actually hit me. So in my anger I called the police because I wanted him out of the house. As I was on the phone he kept threatening his 13yr old sister. So I kept them separated until the police arrive. Because where I live there is no juvenile facilities, they asked if I had a relative to send him to overnight. I did send him to his grandmothers. He has been given house arrest until court in about 7 days. He thinks all this is funny. He was not at all scared when 2 large officers arrived but very cocky. He said he hit me in self defense. His school friends that had a similiar situation already told him what the courts will probably do. He is not at all caring about it. Says its no big deal. I signed him up for counseling because I feel the court probably will make it mandatory. He at no way finds this to be any big deal. His xbox and laptop was confiscated and taken out of my house so he cannot access it. Yet he could care less.  His physical control over anger has gotten worse. When he hits his 13year old sister, he leaves her with a black eye. Sometime she smacks him, she out weighs him, but in know way has she came close to seriously hurting him. His retailiation punches are full forced. I'm scared someone will be in the ER.  Anyone got advice. I am a widowed mom for about 9 years so I am raising both kids alone.  


This discussion is related to My son's bad temper.

[emmiemac]

im really sorry you havent got the advise/help that you obviously need. I feel that people are being a bit hard on you and i would say that being a single mum with 2 teenagers you are doing the best you can on your own and the fact that you are asking for help shows you are trying to do the best thing for your family. This problem ISNT abnormal as people are making out and im sure your son hasnt got mental problems. This is probably just not the best place to get the help you need people sould never point the finger on a site like this its suposed to be for help and support so i think maybe if people havent got anything helpfull to say then maybe they should not comment. I really do hope you get the help you need Take care and good luck x

[free3667]

I appreciate everyone's input. Just to clarify, I have NEVER hit my son.  This is the first time. I know many find it hard to believe, but it is true. He has always been a really good kid.  He has had sibling rivalry since my youngest could walk.  Their fighting has been escalating for years. I always intervene.  I try everything I know as a single parent to do what is right.  Because they are at an age where grounding is just a laugh, I find other ways to get my point across. And yes I actually do talk to my kids all the time. I always allow them a voice to be heard, I never judge them for their opinions. I always encourage truth telling over lying. I have tried reverse psychology with mixed results. To Sandmans2 and Allmymarbles, I disagree with we are all physical. Only my kids are.  If its a habit, they are not getting it from me.  I've never been in any abusive relationships either. Their dad passed away 9 years ago and I have not been with anyone since.  I live in a small town with very few relatives and they too are not abusive either.  So I have to believe its outside influences of being a teenagers nowadays, or perhaps an inherited mood disorder.  I'm hoping therapy will help bring this together before my kids become adults.  Again, thanks everyone for their input

[Anon____]

Maybe the fact you hit your child shows that he learns from you that violence is the best way to deal with things, maybe you shouldnt do things you dont want your child doing

[brtsmile]

First question, you say your widowed, was that his father that past? He might be extremely angry bc he might not know how to express his inner feelings regarding the death. Also, he's 15, which means he definitely is going through his pubescent years which can be a very difficult time for any mother. I raised 5 sons by my self. Your son also seems as if he was treated more like a friend than your son, then poss death of father, then puberty & he's a boy. Was the person who died have a strong willed personality, or a more gentle in nature kind of guy? Did that man ever hit you or aggressive with you in anyway in front of your kids? Do you see maybe where I'm going with all questions? This is where you need to be 100% honest with yourself about all these questions bc I also had a son who acted out but never hit me nor ever saw anyone hit me & I wasn't his friend, I was his Mom who showed much love & all my sons & I would horse around much of the time but they also knew I would draw the line on all the responsibilities they had to get done, chores, homework, etc.. You see, my oldest had said to me once; I thought you were my friend;.! I chuckled then said to him,"I'm not your friend, I'm your mother..! After saying all that & a lil more my son finally understood it. So before you have him put on medication, try talking to him in a calm, loving, & a genuine concern for what is going on with him.. Trust me, sounds to me like you think girls are easier to raise..! If that is the case then your probably getting on your son more than your daughter.. Girls aggravate their brothers in a sneaky kind of way or blame everything on the brother so a parent gets upset at the boy. Be careful with that behavior also. My personal opinion is, boys are way more easy. My sons age range 29, 28, 27, 25, 16.. I'm thinking I know boys behavior bc I had both, strong willed & gentle bens & they all have turned out well adjusted, very personable, responsible, respectable, & honorable young men & they didn't get that way by themselves. It was definitely a lot of work but so well worth it. I might add, none of them were ever put on medication, nor was I on medication or drank but maybe once or twice a year maybe bc I was a single mother, a parent who worked, cooked real food, no box crap, well rounded meals I might add bc it kept my sons from medication. My children aren't fat or lasy, their workers. So please, talk to your son & be self assured but watch his expressions when you ask things. I just wish I could see all of the family's traits & behaviors then I know I could put it all into perspective for you. How old are you, late 30's early 40's?

[Sazi74]

You need to step back big time ...your child is becoming an adult...emerging with a new body and mind...This is by no.means easy and you need to provide an outlet for his anger safely without trying to exert your parental authority which you have now found out no longer works. Take heart from the fact that every teenager will experience these new unexpected feelings and believe me they are as daunted and upset as you. Love is the answer combined with patience and understanding in the light of the fact that good honest exchanges of feelings have more value than antagonising punishments. Get to the heart of the problem and find a solution with words from your heart to his..or hers...

[Vettevill]

Just wondering, did the therapy and anger management work out? I'm assuming your husband that died was his father? You answered your own question. His problem is the void in his heart mixed with hormones and confusion. The lines have been blurred and he's gone beyond the point of no return. I've been that teenager but my dad didn't die, he was just gone. He was a wife beating abusive drunk who molested someone's kid, so he may as well be dead. Still, emotional support is vital to teens and both you and him are in great emotional pain. I hope you worked it out. Families need each other.

[CholericOne]

Hi IDK if this is going to post as I do not have an account.
You are doing right by reaching out to get some ideas on behaviors and phschological ideologies of gamers young and old.
I am a retired Medic and MP at 42yo. I am an active gamer. I have multiple children 4 males ages 10-15 aND a daughter 12 who all game. I play with them regularly. My reasoning behind this was because it is a whole different world in there eyes. Reality is shut off when theyou get in with their gaming friends. Some of these kids have mouths that would make a sailor blush. Depending on how involved a child gets in a game depends on how they react to losing as well as their faceless peers reactions as well. Kids are impressionable especially in a virtual world that I'd say 95% of parents are oblivious to stuff being discussed or them acting out themselves. My recommendation since I play and listen to some of the most ignorant kids cuss every other word because they don't have a vocabulary is to get overly involved.
Show interest. He white you say is a good kid but rage issues (look up kids rage over video games on youtube) you will be dumbfounded when you watch see of this.
Worst part is kids get.on there and watch this as well and find humor and or think it's normal.
I have one son who used to have issues like that. He no longer has them do to the repercussions of his actions shud it happen again.
As for your son striking you back. This I can probably give an answer to but most won't like what I have to say....here it goes.
Children today are lacking in what I was taught called morals, values and the fact that I had to do chores, work for what I wanted. I make my children do the same. When a child is given stuff without showing some sort of responsible behavior or accomplishment it makes a child think regardless of the way I act I am entitled to get what I want. His blatant disrespect for you as well as law enforcement seems to be the norm these days. When I was a kid if I did something wrong my parents sided with the school or the law.
You need not get soft at the time he goes to court ect. I know he's your son. He has to learn that actions deal consequences. I'd sell his xbox amd anything relevant to any type of social media as well.
If it all works out in the end. He will hopefully realize that he needs to stand tall and Defend/Protect his mother and Family not hurt them.
Stand Vigilant and be proactive. If you let him keep his consoles ect.
Get involved. You can put an Xbox app on your phone as well Google play.
Especially if your paying for it.
I loathe typing. Lol.
My email is bgm.bgm ***@****
Should you like to discuss this further.

Respects,
Brian
U.S. ARMY
MILITARY POLICE
RETIRED.

[TheKing_Lion15]

Theraputic Boarding School or a Wilderness Program. May be you only hope if things get worse. If you have any questions about them. Message me.

I can tell you about them. I went to one when I was younger because I was a very bad kid.

[Sslmz]

Hi, my mum was in your shoes about 4 years ago, she was a single mum too and i was giving her a very bad time very similar to your son but one day my mums behaviour changed she started acting like a friend towards me. So she became famous om the woman i wanted to kill to my best friend. Try speaking to him share yur experiences. He thinks that you havent been there done that, his just going through a phase give him some time. Then speak to him his probably very angry that youve reported him because i was too. Give him a couple days then take him out some where have some alone time with him and explain how you felt and how scared you was for him and not only yourself and your daughter and after that when you get home give his xbox back and eventually he will say sorry but making him more and more any will not help you

[free3667]

Thank you. Everyone's input helped whether I disagree or not. It what I asked for and that was opinions. Drugs are always a possibility with teenagers. There is so much of it. I really believe that is not his issue. But it would be naive to think it couldn't happen. This time of year he always gets depressed because of his dad. Emotions run high this time of year for my family. I think its my fault for letting him play those games too long to get him to the level of frustration he gets. Unfortunately this small town really has nothing for kids to do. When he turns 16 next year, I'm sure he will be out cruising with his friends. Been there, done that. Of course I'll worry about him. I'm his mom. It hurts me the most he disrespected me. I too got mad at my parents as a teen and even hated them. but I never crossed the line and struck them. I guess thats what bothers me. We have signed up for anger management and hope that all of us can deal with our outburst in a more positive way.  God Bless everyone and thanks again.

[why07]

Look i been there i done that and i may not be much help but heres my honest opinion...
either he is having a hard time with friends at school or he is doing drugs.... drugs make people act crazy like that i know i sometimes have acted like that before and well when ever i had boyfriend problems or problems at school with like students or teachers i would come home and be online all the time and when my mom would pull me away to bug me about washing the dishes i would go crazy on her and sometimes even hit her... look into that wish i helped

[benjimom]

I would look into getting some professional help for him.  I've heard of a lot of kids these days who are addicted to the video games, etc. It can be very serious and cause them to act out very badly.  It's hard too being a single mom.  Really hard.  

[allmymarbles]

If we were hard on you it was because we thought we had sufficient information. Obviously we didn't. We depend on words. That is not like sitting in your living room and observing your son's (and your) behavior. But don't give up on us. We mean well.

[free3667]

Thank you for keeping an open mind. I do not miss those tantrum days either. You are obviously ahead of your time.  As parents all I can do is learn as I go and try to do the best I can.  I truly have wonderful children despite those rough teenage years. I remember mine and sometimes wondered how I even survived. But I know I will always try to what my heart tells me.  I too wish you the best with your family.

[allmymarbles]

I read Sandman2's comment I she has pointed out something I overlooked. Your family is very physical and your are all involved. The difference with your son is that he exaggerates what is a family habit.

[margypops]

I agree with Sandman2 it sounds like this is learned and you hit him first he is copying what he has learned,and he has been hitting his sister ,  he does need help and counselling,.there is no doubt here we have an instance of what hitting and violence creates . We teach children how to behave , I hope you will all get some help to pull your family together ...good Luck

[allmymarbles]

I think you have a serious problem that goes well beyond testosterone and puberty. I would get him to a psychiatrist PDQ and have him evaluated.

[Sandman2]

  Well, a lot of people may disagree with me.  You walked in on him when he had very obviously lost his temper.  People are not real logical at that point.  You were also probably feeling the adrenalin rush.  The next day you did not talk to each other.   The following day, you hit him, etc.
  Your family has no communication skills.  And it is really hard to do so after coming home after a hard days work, which I can understand.  Both of you need to get together for counseling and learn how to, and appropriately when to, communicate with each other.  
   And actually, based on your statements on him hitting his 13 year old sister, and her smacking him back.  There seems to be a culture of communication here that should change.  I would highly suggest that all 3 of you go in for counseling.