Boyfriends son hates me.....

[Tybear]

My BF and I have been dating since August of 2005 and he moved in August 2006. I have a 3.5yr old boy and he has a 5 yr old boy who get along and play well together. His son comes to visit every other weekend, and makes it clear he wants nothing to do with me. I go out of my way (not trying too hard, but trying to treat him as I treat my son) to make him happy. I've bought him clothes and make an effort to have a family "sit down" dinner when he is here. When my BF suggests we go somewhere, his first response is "is she coming?". He'll do it right infront of me too. His behaviour is awful as well, I'm sorry to say. He throws massive temper tantrums at the drop of a hat, his moods can switch in a second and he yells and hits his Dad if he doesn't get his way. He swears, and uses bad language on a constant basis. Everything is a power struggle - it's like he likes the conflict. When my BF's son is here, his behaviour rubs off on my son, who is the most polite and respectful little boy. His son can turn any toy into a gun and says things like "I'm gonna slice you open" - his play is always violent in nature. Bottom line, I don't want him to act like that, especially around my son. His mother is neglectful in the worst way - it's obvious he gets no affection or attention from her, and he's always filthy when he comes to visit. His mother lives with a new guy, and just had a baby with him. He's got no rules or discipline where he is. To add to the stress at our house, I'm going through cancer treatment and I can't handle how disruptive the house becomes when he comes to visit.

[RockRose]

Tybear - did you read UnitedAndStrong's post a little bit down the board?  It's virtually the same story,  except his girlfriend seems a little less tolerant than you.  Pretty much everything else is the same.  

This boy's life sounds like it sux.  He has no where thats really HIS home with HIS loving doting parents,  he visits his daddy and his new family twice a month,  and his mother's home doesn't sound nurturing.  Who knows whether his behavior would be different if he had a nurturing home where he belonged.

I'm sorry you're going through cancer treatment,  I don't know how much physically you do for yourself,  but here are some thoughts that might work.

1.  Have Saturday afternoons ONLY for your boyfriend and his son.  They go somewhere fun,  something that they both enjoy,  for like 4 hours just the two of them.

2.  One weekend a month,  you and your son leave and go somewhere else together - a friend or family member's house,  so that every other time his son visits,  he gets his dad to himself the entire time.  I bet it will get kind of lonely and boring,  and he'll be asking for you back.

3.  Does he have his own room at your house?  Can he really make it HIS own,  paint it the color he wants,  decorate it like he wants?  

4.  Occasionally have your boyfriend say,  "You can pick what we do.  Tybear is taking little junior to McDonalds,  and I thought we'd stay here together and make really good pizza.  But it's your choice,  we could go to McDonalds with them instead,  you pick."

He sounds like he's very difficult to be around,  and I can understand how you feel,  but it just seems like you're going to have to fake it.

Best wishes.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I know how this boy feels.  When my parents divorced I hating going to my mum's to visit, she married someone with little boys and they were the Cleavers.  She worked while married to my dad, but stayed at home to raise these two boys (or brats as I called them then).  

Rock Rose had some good ideas.  He should have some time one on one just with his dad and he should have some time with all of you.  You will never be his mother, but a loving step-parent can play a huge role in a child's life.  Give him some space, make his dad be the disciplinarian.  

I hope you get well soon.  


P.S. I am very close to both my stepparents now.  But that took MANY years.

[Kassc]

Hang in there, things will get better in time.  The previous comment about your husband and his son having their own time was very good.  I know of a case where this is what they did and it work out for a good adjustment.  But closer to home, my brother had a 4 year old when he married a women who had a toddler.  My neifew felt his place had been suddenly taken by this new toddler at his fathers house. He also gave my sister-in-law a run for her money.  But she continued to show love and compation for my neifew, as you are.  Since we are the adults and understand that in most cases they are having problems processing these new situations that they find themselves in.  My sister-in-law never tried to disciple him, but left that to my brother, since he was only with them part time and holidays. In time things turned around and when my neifew was 15 he decided to live with my brother full time.  To this very day, he is now 42, he says he feels as close to his step mother as his own mother.  Take good care of yourself too.
Regards
Kassc

[here4theinfo]

Funny, I just commented on another post like yours. I am married to a man that had custody of his kids, they are now at their mothers though. We had a ton of problems with his "misbeaving" daughter. She constantly was bad, and it allmost ruined our relationship. The problem was that he didn't want to "deal" with her problems, he said it stressed him out. So I got left to correct them, and it is very hard to be a step mom and correct someone elses children, especially when they resent you, or think they do. See children will only act out what they are allowed to act. If they are allowed to treat people disrespectfully and mean, then that is what they are going to do. I am astounished that your boyfriend does not do something to fix this, however,when I went through the same problems, my husband was to tired or to stressed from work to deal with it. He also had a guilt complex that his kids were going through enough **** with their mom, that they didnt need it at our house too. My step daughter was very mean, she would hit my younger daughter, tell me she loved me one day and the next that she didn't like me, throw tantrums, write mean letters about me, and yell at the other kids, then she would tell her dad that we were all mean to her and why he couldnt just live alone with her. I couldn't handle it, so I ended being the one to disipline her. We had 3 other kids at the time and it would "rub" off on them too. It was constantly a struggle, day in day out. Days included her bad behavior, night would be her wetting her bed. She would get mad and say nobody was paying attention to her and that was the reason she reacted badly all the time, even though I did great things all the time for all the children. She was very selfish and it stemmed from her mother neglecting her, and her father, when he raised her and her bro alone, letting them get anything they wanted and do anything.
Ok, my suggestion to you is talk to your boyfriend, tell him that he needs to disipline him consitantly, set up a good/bad behavior chart, and if it means him being grounded the whole weekend at your house, then so be it.When he does behave, then he should be rewarded with playing with your son, picking out special movies, going to the park etc. Your husband has to be responsible for making him a good example now so that it teaches him how to behave when he grows up. This has nothing to do with "giving" in to seperate time with him. If you are a family, even though your not all blood, your step child and your own child need to understand that everyone does stuff together as a family. You need to ask your boyfriend what he wants you to do when you have his child, what kind of enforcements there should be when he misbehaves, you cannot be the only one who is trying to correct the behavior, it just backfires. The little boy sounds very angry, maybe he should go to a counselor and you guys can find ways to better the situation. When he grows up angry, he will have a very hard time in life so it is better to fix the problem by talking about it openly and finding solutions. I tried to "fake" that my step daughter didn't like me. It made me feel terrible and like the whole family was failing because I could not control a child of all things. Next tell the little boy that you do not like that he is so mean, ask him why he is like that, he might suprise you by saying something you guys can just talk out. He probaly is resentful that you have another boy and jealous because everything feels so right at your house and not his moms house. I used to talk to my daughter and help her sort out her feelings, those days, we had good days, but I couldn't so it all the time because we had other kids and I told her that we were a family, she wasnt going to get all of the time and attention, everyone got it equally. Just when we started getting things right, and my husband finally understood that she was the problem, he started to talk to her and take control of her bad behavior, she started going to visit her mother, and her mother being resentful of her ex and I being happy and raising a family, began to tell both children that they didn't have to listen to me or him and that it was wrong for us to disipline them, so when they would return home, all the problems, would start again, putting us back to square one. My husband and I decided to let the kids live with her, although the mother has refused us to call or visit, and they would lie about everything when we did talk/see them, they will live with her until they grow up and see that we were loving adults and the family we had was the best. I feel terrible they are with her and learning alot of bad things from their mother, but it became so stressful to deal with them and her that we figured it was the best choice. By saying that , No child should be allowed to "run" the house, and you sound like your going through enough as it is. Stick to your guns and if your boyfriend isnt going to take responsibility for his own problems with your help, then yes, I would suggest you and your son go stay somewhere when his son is around. It does not seem fair, and it will not make things better, but if you need peace and no stress especially while you are going through this treatment, then do it until your finished. Then you will be stronger to make a decision whether this is something you want, or better yet, if you and your boyfriend can take the time to correct these behaviors, so you can live as a happy family. Hopefully your boyfriend will see that he loves you deeply and appreciates you, that he will in turn return the favor by helping to make your family stronger. Another thing Ive learned is that men and woman have not changed much through the years. Men go to work, and don't feel such an obligation towards raising kids the right way, they still believe it is the womans job, which I agree with because we have so many other good qualities towards raising children the right way to be in society, patience, understanding,nuturing,a deep emotional love,wheras men often dont have the same qualities, not that is in any way bad. I hope everything works out for the best for both of you..Good luck with your treatment, Ill pray everything goes right for you. Keep up the great work with your son, he sounds like you've got him on the right path..

[strongties]

LET ME BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU THERE IS A LOT MORE TO THE STORY THAN WHAT YOU JUST READ FOR ONE THE REASON I HAD COSTDY OF MY CHILDREN WAS BECAUSE I LOVED THEM AND I KNEW AT THE TIME THAT MY HAVING COSTODY OF THEM WAS THE BEST FOR THE TIME. NOW IM A SMART MAN WITH STRONG FAMILY BACKGROUNDS AND AM CONFIDENT THAT I MADE THE BEST DECISION. I HEARD THE STORIES ABOUT MY DAUGHTER MISBEHAVIG WITH MY GIRLFRIEND (HERE4THEINFO) AT THE TIME. AND SHE HAD A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF HER TRYING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT MY ONLY CHILD (AT THE TIME) DOING THINGS THAT I COULD MAKE ANY EXCUSE FOR (HER ACTIONS AND ATTITUDE). WE ALMOST DIDNT MAKE IT AS A COUPLE BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE ORDEAL. I WASNT ABOUT TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO JUST ENTERD MY LIFE TELL ME THAT I DIDNT HAVE THE CORRECT UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT WAS GOING ON AND HOW THIS COULD PLAY A PART IN HER FUTURE. I HAD COSTODY OF MY STEP SON AND MY DAHGHTER AND I BELIEVE THAT WITH A CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF YOU RAISE OR MOLD GREAT CHILDREN. I AM A CONTRACTOR THAT WORKS MANY HOURS  IN HOPE THAT ONE DAY I WONT HAVE TO SOME DAY. I FINALLY DID REALIZE THAT MY CHILD WAS BEIG PROBLEMATIC THROUGH A SERIES OF EVENTS AND QUARALS. SO I CAME TO THE REALIZTION THAT EVERYONE HAS LEARNING TO DO, MYSELF INCLUDED. WE WENT THRUGH SOME GOOD AND BAD TIMES BEFORE I AND BY THAT TIME MY WIFE(HERE4THEINFO)DECIDED THAT OTHER INTERACTION WAS NEEDED. NOW NOT EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE WILL ALWAYS BE THE BEST ONE LIKE IN MY CASE BUT HOPEFULLY TIME WILL BE ON YOURE SIDE SEE IF YOU REALLY CARE YOU WILL TRY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, BUT DONT QUIT. IF YOU REALLY CARE YOU HAVE TO ADMIT TO YOURSELF THAT IF THERES A PROBLEM, IT NEEDS TO BE HANDLED. THE THING IS THAT THINGS LIKE THAT DONT JUST GO AWAY WITH ONE TRY SO KEEP TRYING IM NOT SATISFIED WITH MY ATTEMPTS AND ITS BEEN 3 YEARS OF TRYING. I BELIEVE THAT LIFE GIVES YOU UPS AND DOWNS AND THERES NO EXCUSE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR SO IM NOT ABOUT TO BABY THE SITUATION BY GIVING INTO THE EASY WAY OUT. ONE DAY THINGS WILL WORK OUT AND THE ONLY WAY THATS GOING TO HAPPEN IS BY LISTENIG TO THOSE AROND YOU, MAKING THE BEST DECISIONS YOU CAN, AND GETTING EVERYONE ON THE SAME PAGE. IM STILL WORKING ON GETTING EVERYONE ON THE SAME PAGE.MAYBE YOULL HAVE BETTER LUCK (GOOD LUCK)!!!