My 8 year old still wets herself day and night

[brittyv123]

My two twin step daughters both wet themselves day and night. They don't feel they should have to use the bathroom. They don't think their friends will find out and they just simply don't want to use the toilet. Their mom didn't start potty training them for real until about age 4. She admittingly told us it was too difficult when they were younger and was easier to leave them in pullups due to behavioral issues. I believe they both (like their father) are lactose intolerant so we use soy milk, almond milk and lactose free milk at home. Lactose free cheese is always in the house although sometimes since we only see them once a month, they get real cheese. They have irregular BMs but mostly because they say they eat a lot of fried food at Mommy's. We have them for a full 30 days in summer and even after their bodies have adjusted to a higher fiber/lactose free diet and have regular BM's they still have daytime accidents. We do potty schedules, incentives, minor punishments (ie: no daily allowance or sticker for their sticker chart with an accident or when they wake up dry on occasion, they can have an extra sticker) I'm at a loss. I'm not sure if this is acting out or a hidden medical condition that the Dr. hasn't found yet. I am so scared that their small-town school will discover they pee their pants and tease and taunt them. But they don't even WANT to help themselves. I'll try anything I just need help and advice on how to get them to want to use the potty...before it's too late and they're teased.

[wisebird87]

Therapy will uncover the reason.

[Momofsusan]

When I was young I had a double ureter and peed the bed...I had no control I was told due to it.  I also peed without knowing it throughout the day. I had surgery of some kind while I was young and after that no problem.  So if it's not a behavior issue I would make sure all medical issues were checked into.

[Monkeycook]

Please have them check for chronic kidney disease if they haven't already. Or have them do it again. I am speaking from personal experience. If it's not that then take her to a counselor for awhile....maybe it will help her.

[Monkeycook]

I'm sorry, I don't know if you said you took her to a counselor or not, I was just really worried about her kidneys. I hope things get better for you.

[specialmom]

Good responses from the others.  You know, I first need to say that the average age that boys get potty trained in the US is 3.5 years old.  iGirls are known to be a bit earlier but not all.  One of my sons was after that at around 4.  No joke.  And this is my younger, non sensory son.  And we weren't alone as I had friends who were working on this same thing with their kids of the same age as my son.  My son doesn't have psychological problems nor does he have behavioral problems.  He's very bright.  (And truth be told, this is how potty 'training' went for him . . .  I said "honey, please just get potty trained" and he looked at me and said "okay" and was. Like immediately).  Once potty trained, my son had a spell of two weeks in which he wet himself at night due to emotional responses of changing into all day school--  first grade.  Hard adjustment for him.  My older son got daytime potty trained much earlier but had issues at night with wetting for several years.  This is not uncommon.  12 percent of kids have night time wetting until the age of 9 to 10.  Most had a parent that also had issues at night. Heavy sleepers have a hard time getting the signal to get up.  My friend just got her son to stay dry all night and he is 11---  she used the alarm that they make that wakes a child when they begin to wet.

Okay, so none of that is probably relevant though.  To me, I almost wonder about some issues related to emotions because you talk about 'their mom' in such a way that it sounds like you feel she was neglectful.  Also, it sounds like a split home.  This CAN have an effect.  Have these kids ever been abused (sexually or physically) or neglected?  But it really doesn't have to be that dramatic.  As I mentioned, my son responded to emotional stress of change in school schedule by wetting himself.  He did it once AT school as well which was very out of character for him.  The books are helpful that you've ordered (or they should be anyway).

Constipation definitely can play a role physically and habit.  

What is their feedback on this issue?  Kids do become aware of their peers in about second grade (some earlier) and that is usually motivating.  You frankly sound very caring--  and if you open up loving and supportive dialogue about this---  and understanding that kids do have to work on things.  Some kids are so into what they are doing, that they feel they may need to pee but wait too long and some hits their pants.  It may not be a full on pee but 'some' before they get to the bathroom.  So, see if you can create a safe environment to talk to them about it.

I think you sound like you are doing a lovely job and hopefully you can get this conquered as I agree, it is in their best interest.  All should have a step parent that cares so much rather than just being angry about it.  good luck

[RockRose]

I'm still curious, and don't feel like I understand - why isn't this a problem at school?  If you notice it and smell it,  so do her friends - but your thought is that they haven't noticed yet.

Is it not happening at school?

[Sandman2]

There are some interesting comments in this link that you might find helpful.  http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Child-Behavior/HELP---15-year-old-still-wetting-his-bed/show/2943476
    The one that really might have importance is "Constipation will put pressure on the bladder and cause problems."
    Realize that if it is something like constipation that has caused the problem, this is not an overnight cure.
    And do keep in mind that they are only 8.   Body self awareness is not a huge thing to an 8 year old (thank goodness).   I really think that for you to get them to the point where they would care (at this age) it might be harmful to them if they really can't control it.
    I would try some type of a panty liner.  Keep working on the constipation issues.
   Oh, the other thing is that you said, "as it is, if I don't wake them in the middle of the night to pee/change pullups once, they're likely to overflow"   That is a bit unusual.  Kids of this age should be able to make it through the night.  And this is what you might want to talk to the doctor about.  It might also add more credence to the constipation theory?

[RockRose]

It sounds like the girls have learned how they can stick their thumbs in your eye.  

If no one in the school has yet noticed they pee on themselves,  it sounds like it's not really a problem at school.  Or they pee so little that it can go unnoticed all day.  

Have you tried ignoring it?  As it is,  it sounds like your household routine (food choice limitations,  sticker charts,  toilet schedules, withholding allowance) revolves completely around the bathroom habits of these two 8 year olds.  

If they are doing this at school as they are in your home,  it seems it would be impossible for the school to overlook.  

[brittyv123]

I've done a lot of reading on ways to help kids not have accidents and I've tried a lot of it to help them and it all helps a little bit but wears off and doesn't completely fix the problem. And it is a problem.

A lot of kids have a hard time telling when they have to go when they're constipated so the high fiber diet my husband and I eat is beneficial to them. I believe that when they are constipated, it is due to being lactose intolerant, like their father so his milk is good for them. We remind them to go every couple hours when we have them and limit water before bed because as it is, if I don't wake them in the middle of the night to pee/change pullups once, they're likely to overflow and then we have to wash their bedding.

I'm at my wit's end here with these girls. They are so kind and generous, but I know if their friends find out, they will lose some of their friends. Sometimes it's a full bladder empty and sometimes it is just a little at a time. At least once a week I can tell someone wet themselves because I can smell it. Last month, one girl went #2 in her pants and every couple months at least one does #2.

I can't ignore a problem this big. It is a problem and I just haven't found a way to fix it that they will respond to. I've ordered books off amazon on behavioral issues of divorced kids and potty training and everything but I'm hoping there's something not published that someone can offer me. Before they're found out and teased for it. Kids were cruel when I was in school and I can see it's only gotten worse. I'm terrified for them. This really is their only issue. They listen well, do their homework and reading and don't talk back. They're helpful and I don't think they do this to stick it to us or push buttons, I honestly think they just don't care enough and I don't know how to make them care...