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5 yr old son only misbehaves at home!!
Hi. My son is 5 yrs old. He is a very smart boy. He was in preschool for two years; while he was 3-4 and 4-5. He started Kindergarten this year. He has been taking a form of dance,tumbling classes since he's been 3 as well. During all of this and even still he has always been a "role model" little boy. We have had nothing less than great reports from all of his teachers and instructers. We have also seen for ourselves so we know this is true. I was sick for three years and underwent a livesaving surgery two years ago during which we were also to move into a our first home. Before we were living with my husbands mom and grandmother whom taught our son that it was ok not to obey us and spoiled him rotten! We have been seperated from that situation for more than two years now though so i do not think that is any longer the problem. He has a color system at kindergarten and green is the best behavior. He gets green everyday and takes much pride in this. At home....he won't listen to us(mostly me), when we are somewhere he will just run from us..even into the road! This behavior is not consistent though, somedays are wonderful..in fact some weeks..and then we fall back into these bad choices. I have taken college courses, read every book, watched every show, expiermented, tried every displine (non violent), I just have no clue what to do and need help! I am fustrated and I know that he's got to be!
Sounds like he is a lucky boy who has a momma who has the patience to work on long term solutions. Of course, you will have bad days where you get frustrated and things spiral out of control... you just have to start fresh the next day. We are all human. But the skills you instill now are lifelong skills that will help the whole family function smoothly.
Wow..I never thought I could get so much extreamly helpful advice! I've been fustrated for so long and this feels like a huge weight being lifted off! :) Tiredbuthappy- All of your advice is truly wonderful, and works! Yesterday I was with my son the whole day and we stayed home, went to his dance classes, went places ( a variety of things to test mostly my patients with my son and try what i'm trying to learn as well as teach him.) It went very well..his choices were very good choices and the ones that were not had calm but firm consequences and then we moved on, it was a great, stress free day! Now one more thing..it seems that when he is alone with his father or I he does much better but once with the two of us togehter(or even worse, his grandmas!) then he acts out...crazy! So last night when we came back home from the park to get ready for bed he started to act out but both his father and I sat him down and told him that we do not like that behavior from him. He mostly stopped that behavior then. I think maby he's playing us beacuse typically his dad just gets fustrtated that he won't listen and yells (never hurting him), and then he comes to me and I comfort him...so this is a bad patern I know and we are changing it. We are going to have a family meeting tonight about all of this after his dad and I decide how to talk with the kids about it first.
And tiredbut happy..the pics and writing assisgnments for him are so clever! I am doing that today! As well as drving straight home...these are great ideas that we are going to start applying. I know that nothing is overnight but consitiency will make it happen.
And thank you so much also for all of your wonderful advice Sandman2! I am all about books, and so are my children so I will definatly check those out that you suggested, I think it's particulary cool the one that we can read togehether! I also agree with you on the bribing, we have never done that with the children. However that is a easier short term way often, it makes for the long term goal just that much more difficult!
Thank you everyone and feel free to keep posting and giving me all the advice you want, I need and appreciate it! I will keep posting on here our daily progresses as well..I'm sure some days (like yesterday) are going to be alot smoother than others but we will get there!
And tiredbut happy..the pics and writing assisgnments for him are so clever! I am doing that today! As well as drving straight home...these are great ideas that we are going to start applying. I know that nothing is overnight but consitiency will make it happen.
And thank you so much also for all of your wonderful advice Sandman2! I am all about books, and so are my children so I will definatly check those out that you suggested, I think it's particulary cool the one that we can read togehether! I also agree with you on the bribing, we have never done that with the children. However that is a easier short term way often, it makes for the long term goal just that much more difficult!
Thank you everyone and feel free to keep posting and giving me all the advice you want, I need and appreciate it! I will keep posting on here our daily progresses as well..I'm sure some days (like yesterday) are going to be alot smoother than others but we will get there!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Tiredbuthappy has a lot of wonderful ideas. Let me add a few more to that.
After 37 or so years as a teacher and principal and another 14 or so as a soccer coach - I have never been a big fan of rewards. However, I am a huge fan of noticing success and immediately rewarding it via praise or whatever. I firmly believe that you want to reward success immediately! This means that you have to be watching, communicating, with the child. Typically reward means a bribe to do something. "find Gadhafi" and you get a million or so bucks. But what if you don't want to find him or don't need the money? Well, somebody may want the money, but the point is that its a bribe and sooner or later, the bride won't work and you have to up the reward.
So what else can you do? He loves the "homework". Sounds like he loves being busy or does he love the fact that you are also hanging around and paying attention to him? You had a couple of very tough years where you were not able to do so. Behavior is basically learned and it takes a while to unlearn it. So some ideas:
Get the book, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark. Its a great system using timeouts. She explains how to use them effectively. This will help when he is doing things he should not be.
There are also several wonderful sets of books meant to be read to 4 to 7 year olds. Not only do they give them ways to deal with difficult situations, it also is a wonderful bonding time when you read it to him. I would probably start with "When I feel angry", found here - http://www.amazon.com/When-Feel-Angry-Way-Books/dp/0807588970/ref=pd_sim_b2
Then scroll down and look at the other books listed. As you click on a book, other choices will appear.
And finally, as tiredbuthappy has said, consistency is the most important thing. If you want to change behavior, you must respond immediately, consistently to that particular behavior. It will take about 3 weeks of a consistent approach to change a learned behavior. The key is that it must always be a very consistent behavior modificatiion. Hope this helps.
After 37 or so years as a teacher and principal and another 14 or so as a soccer coach - I have never been a big fan of rewards. However, I am a huge fan of noticing success and immediately rewarding it via praise or whatever. I firmly believe that you want to reward success immediately! This means that you have to be watching, communicating, with the child. Typically reward means a bribe to do something. "find Gadhafi" and you get a million or so bucks. But what if you don't want to find him or don't need the money? Well, somebody may want the money, but the point is that its a bribe and sooner or later, the bride won't work and you have to up the reward.
So what else can you do? He loves the "homework". Sounds like he loves being busy or does he love the fact that you are also hanging around and paying attention to him? You had a couple of very tough years where you were not able to do so. Behavior is basically learned and it takes a while to unlearn it. So some ideas:
Get the book, "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark. Its a great system using timeouts. She explains how to use them effectively. This will help when he is doing things he should not be.
There are also several wonderful sets of books meant to be read to 4 to 7 year olds. Not only do they give them ways to deal with difficult situations, it also is a wonderful bonding time when you read it to him. I would probably start with "When I feel angry", found here - http://www.amazon.com/When-Feel-Angry-Way-Books/dp/0807588970/ref=pd_sim_b2
Then scroll down and look at the other books listed. As you click on a book, other choices will appear.
And finally, as tiredbuthappy has said, consistency is the most important thing. If you want to change behavior, you must respond immediately, consistently to that particular behavior. It will take about 3 weeks of a consistent approach to change a learned behavior. The key is that it must always be a very consistent behavior modificatiion. Hope this helps.
Since he likes homework so much, you should make one of his assignments to draw (or write if he can) the safety rules for the home :) This can open up discussions about it when you are not in that heated moment. You can even photocopy it and keep a copy in the car to use as a visual reminder for him.
You can also ask him to draw or write stories about being mad. It may give insight into why he goes into these mindsets.
I wonder if he might be jealous of the fact that you have other children in your care during the day. Maybe some of his "homework" can be to help you make materials for your daycare. Things like signs, stories to read to the children, etc... Engaging him in this process as a contributor may help turn things around.
You need to teach him that what he does to you when he is angry is not appropriate and disrespectful. However, you need to acknowledge that he was angry and work with him to find more appropriate ways to express it. As hard as it is, you need to keep your cool when he does this and firmly stand your ground. Do not engage him when he is in this mindset- it will only frustrate and anger you, and probably escalate things. Instead, drive home when he does this. Once you have safely parked in your driveway, tell him that no one is getting out of the car until you have discussed what happened. Tell him that what he did was disrespectful and not acceptable. Ask him to tell you how he felt when he said it. Ask him what he could do next time instead. Agree on what the consequence would be for that incident. (This depends on you- sometimes an apology is sufficient, sometimes losing privileges). Try this a few times and see if you see improvement. He needs to learn to recognize when he is feeling angry, and he needs to learn appropriate ways to manage it. If this doesn't work, then you can move on to other techniques.
You can also ask him to draw or write stories about being mad. It may give insight into why he goes into these mindsets.
I wonder if he might be jealous of the fact that you have other children in your care during the day. Maybe some of his "homework" can be to help you make materials for your daycare. Things like signs, stories to read to the children, etc... Engaging him in this process as a contributor may help turn things around.
You need to teach him that what he does to you when he is angry is not appropriate and disrespectful. However, you need to acknowledge that he was angry and work with him to find more appropriate ways to express it. As hard as it is, you need to keep your cool when he does this and firmly stand your ground. Do not engage him when he is in this mindset- it will only frustrate and anger you, and probably escalate things. Instead, drive home when he does this. Once you have safely parked in your driveway, tell him that no one is getting out of the car until you have discussed what happened. Tell him that what he did was disrespectful and not acceptable. Ask him to tell you how he felt when he said it. Ask him what he could do next time instead. Agree on what the consequence would be for that incident. (This depends on you- sometimes an apology is sufficient, sometimes losing privileges). Try this a few times and see if you see improvement. He needs to learn to recognize when he is feeling angry, and he needs to learn appropriate ways to manage it. If this doesn't work, then you can move on to other techniques.
Thank you very much for you insight, it will be very helpful. However I have to say...I have been trying most of that off and on..but that thing that has probabaly been lacking is the consitiensy. And you're right, he strives on the structure! He is very smart and I think gets so easily bored! But what would you suggest? I completely aggree with trying to change things around at home for him to make it a little more similar to his school enviorment, now that being said...that's hard! I have an income childcare, we work that from 6am-6pm. I am usually very tired by the end of the day but I don't let that show to him, I try very hard to still do what he needs from me. Do you think perhaps I should do a picture chart for him, a reward chart? One thing that I have been doing differently in the past couple weeks that he has done amazing with is I've been giving him nightly "homework". He sits at the table and does at least two hours of this work, in fact he begs me for that.
And in public, I did make him hold my hand this morning and told him what you suggested..it worked today. However, the kid can be a stinker...it's sorta like once he gets mad something clicks in him and there's no reasoning with him. He will scream at me, give me dirty looks and slam his door. That cannot be allowed to happen at the same time I am left clueless as to how I should correct that?
He is a good boy, He knows good and bad choices, how much of this would you say is "normal" if any, boy/child behavior for his age? and yes I agree I am VERY forturnante that he displays this behavior at home rather than at school.
Thank you so much for your advice, it means a lot to our family!
Very grateful!
And in public, I did make him hold my hand this morning and told him what you suggested..it worked today. However, the kid can be a stinker...it's sorta like once he gets mad something clicks in him and there's no reasoning with him. He will scream at me, give me dirty looks and slam his door. That cannot be allowed to happen at the same time I am left clueless as to how I should correct that?
He is a good boy, He knows good and bad choices, how much of this would you say is "normal" if any, boy/child behavior for his age? and yes I agree I am VERY forturnante that he displays this behavior at home rather than at school.
Thank you so much for your advice, it means a lot to our family!
Very grateful!
You are fortunate that he behaves well at school, as this can give you a hint as to what may work at home too. For some children it is the opposite. Since he does well in school, I think there are things you can look at. Here's the difference between prechool/kindergarten and many home environments:
~School is very structured. Some children crave this, especially if there have been stressful situations in the home (such as an illness). It gives the child a sense of security because he can predict what will happen. Meals, routines, and bedtimes should be the same every day. So should rules.
~School has a clearly defined set of rules and expectations. Along with that comes clearly defined consequences for negative behaviors. A child knows what will happen if he misbehaves. The consequences are often logical, and you can do this too. If he runs in to the street, the next time you hold his hand tight and explain that last time he was not safe. It is your job to keep him safe, and until he shows you that he can be safe, you will not let go of him. Before you go somewhere, go through the expectations, and what the consequences will be if he breaks the rules. You can have him come up with what the consequences should be to get him thinking about it.
~School keeps children busy and stimulated. Children often act out if they are bored. TV does not count :) Give him lego sets and other toys that encourage creative play.
Look carefully at your home and your routines, and you may be able to make small adjustments that will make a huge difference.
~School is very structured. Some children crave this, especially if there have been stressful situations in the home (such as an illness). It gives the child a sense of security because he can predict what will happen. Meals, routines, and bedtimes should be the same every day. So should rules.
~School has a clearly defined set of rules and expectations. Along with that comes clearly defined consequences for negative behaviors. A child knows what will happen if he misbehaves. The consequences are often logical, and you can do this too. If he runs in to the street, the next time you hold his hand tight and explain that last time he was not safe. It is your job to keep him safe, and until he shows you that he can be safe, you will not let go of him. Before you go somewhere, go through the expectations, and what the consequences will be if he breaks the rules. You can have him come up with what the consequences should be to get him thinking about it.
~School keeps children busy and stimulated. Children often act out if they are bored. TV does not count :) Give him lego sets and other toys that encourage creative play.
Look carefully at your home and your routines, and you may be able to make small adjustments that will make a huge difference.
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