My 4 year old son and behavior problems

[mommy20071]

I have read many posts on here about other people and their child's behavior problem. I still don't know what to do. I have a different history than some people. I am a single mother (his father passed away 4 days before my son was a month old). I have a great job, however, I do not work do to an injury I received that required back surgery. Therefore, we are now living with my mother.
I believe my son is very intelligent for his age. He knows that I have a back problem and that I can not do a lot of physical things that I use to do. Examples are sitting on the floor to play with him causes pain, I can not pick him up without pain, we had to cut our walking time down due to the fact that after 15 minutes walking, I am in pain (do to my injury, I have some nerve problems as well). I feel horrible every day that I can not play with him like most other parents do with their children.
He is talking back, wont listen, does not want to go to bed, and does not go poop in the potty. I have tried to put him in the corner, time out mats, staying in his bedroom, taking away his favorite things, and reward charts for good behavior. He was in preschool but he would fight with me every morning about going to school. He told me that the kids were mean to him. I did ask his teachers about it and they said he was well liked and they did not understand what he was talking about. I don't know what to do. I feel like I yell at him more and more and I do not like it. I just don't know what to do. My heart is broken over the relationship we have. I feel like I am a failure to him and mean to him. Please some one, help me.

[skepticalpeach]

Does he have any friends? Can he go over to their house every once in a while just to give you a break? I bet if you get some rest and some time to yourself it will be easier to handle him. Children push us to our limits with their ever constant need for attention and activity. It's both incredibly stressful and wonderful!

The last thing you want to do is let your son be the boss. If you say he has to go to school, he has to go! (Unless he's sick). There are no if, ands or buts. Him fighting you on this is not an option.
On the other hand, if the kids are being mean to him, you should listen to him. Even the best, most watchful teacher doesn't see everything. Things happen in a classroom that fall under the radar. As a parent it is your right to come and go from the school whenever you wish. Go spend some time at the school. Watch how things are done, talk to the other kids. At this age kids are usually still afraid of a parent that comes in to protect their child. Talk to the teachers about what you saw and your son. Make sure he knows you are listening to him, but the final say is not up to him.

[tiredbuthappy]

I recently had major surgery, so I too was severely limited in what I was able to do with my children. And while I do still think it has had an impact on them, it is unfortunately a part of our life, so we are working on ways of coping with it.
Like you, I made sure that my kids understood that I have limitations. I hate doing it, but it is important that they know that I am not doing certain things not because I don't want to, but because I can't. However, I do put it in a positive light and tell them that my body is healing, and if we let it heal, I will get stronger. Parting of letting my body heal is not doing _____.
I gave them opportunities to be helpful. This is empowering to them. Of course, they're not scrubbing toilets or anything, but by helping wipe stuff down, sweep, etc they feel like they are helping. My little ones love to take baby wipes and wash the floors, walls, toys, etc.
I definitely agree with the suggestion of getting the kids outside for play. When I felt like things were spiraling out of control, we went to the local park or woods for a short hike. I bought a comfortable chair for the backyard and watched them play in the sandbox. Since you have 1 child, it may be beneficial to invest in things like a sandbox that will occupy him.
The other thing I do when I feel like things are about to spiral out of control is go to my back up list of activities that I know will engage them. Sounds obvious, but I actually have to make a concerted effort sometimes because when you start to get overwhelmed, the obvious isn't evident.  I have bins of art supplies ready to go. The other day we collaged snowmen, and the next time I need the calm we are going to make snowflakes out of coffee filters. Play doh is always a great activity and you can make it more interesting by giving him plastic utensils, rolling pins, cookie cutters, etc. If I really need quiet time, I will allow them on the computer to educational sites (let me know if you need links) or on the Wii. The Wii is great because it engages them while getting them to move. You can also use toys you have but give them new life. Challenge him to build specific things with legos. You can even look up pictures of castles or whatever online to inspire some new creations.

It boils down to me presenting them with activities that I know will engage them and that I can handle. When things escalate, stop and think and try to see why. It's not because he is deliberately trying to frustrate you. It is because he is sad, bored, not engaged, has too much energy, etc. When you look at it that way, you can't take it personally and it helps you think of ways to remedy the problem.  

Finally, immediately after surgery when I was the weakest, I relied heavily on others to get them out of the house- even if it was just to the local park, a library, etc. Be sure to reach out to neighbors and family members to give both of you a break. Best of luck.

[specialmom]

A lot of this is really normal four year old behavior.  They test our boundaries at that age and that is completely on track developmentally for what they are supposed to do.  I found 4 to be one of the hardest ages for both of my boys if not the hardest age.  You've also had some changes just recently going to your mom's house.  I'm glad you had somewhere to go but change can bring some acting out with kids and mixed messages when you have multiple people (mom and grandma) involved.

I try to look at things as we set boundaries and we do it lovingly.  It takes time but if you are consistent, they do get it.  I do recommend staying as calm as possible as if you get upset, it ups the volatility of the situation.  I push my tongue to the roof of my mouth when I feel like yellilng.  it helps stop me.  I walk away for a second too to do a little deep breathing.  I find staying calm puts me in charge more than when I get to hollering like a kid does.  

I agree about picking your battles.  I read this book when my kids were that age (I have two boys 15 months apart in age) and it talked about buckets.  If you have three buckets--- A is the things that are deal breakers, running into the street, peeing on the carpet on purpose, etc.  No negotiation.  B---  this bucket are the things you can negotiate about.  bed time, he might get 5 extra minutes awake, cookies, he might get one after dinner instead of before.  Bucket C are for all the things you let go.  There should be few things in bucket A.  Some things in bucket B and lots of things in bucket C.  I just found the book really helpful because I was making everything a bucket A matter and it was stressful for us all.  So, pick what you are going to really fight for and negotiate other things or let them go.  

Choices are also the friend of a mom and her four year old,  Give him lots of choices.  You give the choices so you have ultimate control but he FEELS like he has some control when he picks, it is win win and he'll better comply for you.

I'm also a fan of lots of physical activity---  it helps all things from behavior in general to being tired at bed time.  

Love and Logic is a book I highly recommend written by Charles and Jim Fey (father and son psychologists) and I think they make one for toddler snow as well.  You can find it at the local library to check out or on their web site or at the book store.  It is really excellent in that it talks about natural consequences.  Throw a toy, lose that toy for a bit,  If you are screaming (the child), then mom can't understand you and won't talk to you or respond to you until you calm down.  This is really helpful with kids.

good luck

[margypops]

You are not a failure you are a struggling Mom doing her best , I am wondering about taking him out to parks ,weather permitting, and take a fold up chair with you so you can sit, board games are fun and you can move a table near the sofa and both play that way .He is 4 year old no picking up .Is there any other member of the family maybe able to help you, any father Uncle figure, gran pa around to help out with ball games .Teachers don't always notice whats going on in school when they are busy so keep in mind that some bullying maybe going on .Time outs do work if you are consistent, try to be flexible when you can be, perhaps hes not tired ,does he get a nap at his school, sometimes that affects nighttime sleep . Good luck