No self esteem

[althepal39]

My 10 year old son is coming home from school and telling me everyone hates him - everyone makes fun of him - school is nothing but a constant torture for him.  He says they make fun of everything - how big he is (because he's much taller than average and bigger than them - he has big hands and feet - he stands out)  - they make fun of what he eats, the things he says, how big he is,  he says they all think he is stupid.  (He's a straight a student so he's definitely smart)   He says he tries to just laugh it off - but it really hurts him and he gets so embarassed.  His only 'friend"(a kid who sits next to him) kept poking him with a straw and making fun of the type of music my son likes, the fact that he wants to start a band, that he likes to play video games.. everything - the kid has something to say about anything my son likes.  I had the teacher move him away from this kid - and now he sits near a much nicer kid. He was hoping they could be better friends.   But that kid was playing on our block the other day with a bunch of other kids from school and my son would not even go over and say hi because he said all the kids hate him.  He is very shy and sensitive and it breaks my heart.  I try to tell him to not take it and stand up for him self - I enrolled him in karate too.  Every day when he comes home I give him these "great" pep talks about how wonderful he is and how he has to be good to himself and he can't let people push him around...but it never sinks in.  He's just getting more and more down on him self.  It's like no matter what I tell him he thinks he's just awful.    I feel like I am contributing to his bad feelings because when he is home he can be extremely selfish and hard to deal with and I get very upset with him and tend to yell and say things I don't really mean.  He says I insult him because I lose my temper and say he is selfish and never thinks of anyone else.  I always apologize but this is happening more and more.  He's an only child and his grandparents live next door.  He pretty much gets everything he wants - and so he is very spoiled.   I think that is probably not good for his self esteem either and is contributing to him being down on himself, but I'm not sure how to break him of being selfish!    Does anyone have any advice for me???  

[althepal39]

Thanks for all your help.  I think I will bring him to a counselor.  I can't stand to watch this happen to him..   Thanks to both of you for replying.  

[momagain59]

It sounds like the school isn't concerned since he isn't a behavior problem for them. The school psychologist doesn't know him as well as you do. Yes, I would take him to a therapist anyway, because he doesn't realize just how much it would help him. You have to be the one to make the appropriate choice for him. I would visit different therapist in person so you can decide which one is the best choice. Of course, I would check to see which ones are covered by my insurance first. Three of my children see a therapist and they actually argue over whose turn it is to see her. I am sure that he goes to school with other kids that are in therapy, even though he doesn't know that they are in therapy. A good therapist will make sure the child gets something (play, art, games, etc...) out of the visit in order for them to want to open up and talk to them.

[LRM1021]

I think it sounds like you are really worried about him-- so you should take him somewhere to get evaluated. My son hates getting shots-- hates them hates them __ UP AT NIGHT SCREAMING hates them. But you know what? He is allergic to bees--- bad -- and he had to get shots once a month-- to protect his life. So I take him -- even though he hates it.
Your son sounds like he is smart, intuitive, and sensitive-- and could use some help in dealing with his feelings. A counselor is a person who is ALWAYS ON HIS SIDE and is there to help him -- not just for crazy people:) Just for anyone who needs an outside perspective to help them learn to help themselves.  Maybe you could put a positive spin on it for him-- but take him none the less, because you are the mom and you are concerned-- and that means more than any school or friend, really-- I firmly believe Moms know this stuff.

[althepal39]

Thanks MomAgain - I wish there was a smaller school I could send him to - but I can't afford it.  My son is very sweet - but I think he doesn't "get" the social cues of other kids and he's just too hard on himself.  I had him talk to the psychologist in the school in Kindergarten because we had to physically drag him into school - the principal had to drag him down the hall - it was so traumatic - he just could not handle being away from home all day.  (My mother in law watched him while I worked and he was the KING of the house - they had such a great time together and it broke his heart not to be with her anymore!!)  And he was in preschool for a few hours a day 3 x's a week - but he couldn't handle the Kindergarten.  I guess it was all too overwhelming for him.    He does have a few friends that he invites over after school - and he plays with my neighbors son - but at school I guess like you said - he's just lost.   The psychologist said he seemed just fine.  That's all the school ever tells me "he's fine".  But he comes home and tells me he feels like he's getting depressed and becoming a "goth" because he doesn't fit in with all the other kids.    He says he doesnt want to go to a counselor because he isn't "crazy".     Do you think I should force him?  

[momagain59]

Give him lots of hugs and remind him that you love him often. Please get your son started in therapy ASAP. The therapist can also help you with your issues of yelling. It seems like there is a vicious cycle going on now. It really doesn't matter anymore how it got started. I do agree with LRM1021 100% though. I am glad that you can clearly see a lot of what is going on.

Does the school that your son attends have a therapist?

Is there anyone at the school that is willing to help your child make positive friends?

What is his teacher like?

Is there a smaller school that you son could attend? It sounds like he is kind of lost there.

Medication might be helpful at this point. He does not have to be on it for life.

Your son sounds very sweet. When I had a child care center, I would go out of my way to include children like your son. He is not the only child like this. He needs to be exposed as often as possible to social situations that he can excell at. It is great that he is willing to share with you what goes on at school. I can feel your pain and his. I am so glad that this is not affecting his grades. Hang in there and don't quit looking for help until you find it. Give him a big hug from me.

[althepal39]

I know yelling at him isn't good for his self esteem and I know that I need to work on that.  But I don't think that my yelling at him caused him to be like this - he has always been like this - and we have just started having these arguments at home.  Up til now I rarely, rarely yelled at him and he still was very shy and very down on himself.  I always tell him how great he is - how wonderful - I think it may have backfired - maybe I over did  it?   I think he may be being especially selfish at home because he is  feeling so badly at school - and I try to be extra compassionate - but sometimes I just cannot take it and I snap.   I think that at school he can't be selfish - and so when he gets home he just wants everything his way.   But it's very hard on us because we are so good to him and he doesn't reciprocate.     I don't even know if these two things are related - but they seem to me that they may be.   That the shyness and insecuritie he feels at school - he is taking out on us at home..  I just don't know how to help him - I'm not very good at social events myself and tend to like to be alone - which is fine with me because I'm an adult - but for kids its pure hell to not "fit in'.   And my son doesn't fit in at all..  It just breaks my heart.  He can't just "Be" himself.  Other kids will jump around and act all crazy - my son is too afraid to take that chance.    

[LRM1021]

"I feel like I am contributing to his bad feelings because when he is home he can be extremely selfish and hard to deal with and I get very upset with him and tend to yell and say things I don't really mean.  He says I insult him because I lose my temper and say he is selfish and never thinks of anyone else.  I always apologize but this is happening more and more. "

I'm just playing back to you what you wrote there. Children who get yelled at and get complained about by their parents tend to have very low self esteem-- and this spills over into other parts of their lives.

You say "  no matter what you tell him he feels awful." Well, he will remember the bad things you tell him over and above the compliments you give him unless your negative words are very few and far between your positive words.

I think that you could both probably benefit from some family counseling so that you can relearn a communication path between you two-- one that will foster better feelings in your son that will spill over in other areas of his life.

On another positive note, karate is just terrific for building self esteem and social skills-- I have seen my son really turn around with martial arts. I hope your son enjoys it.