"She used to visit at her aunt's house but after finding out she was living with a man who smokes crack and does other illegal activities, and allowed her boyfriends brother (who is registered on Megan's Law) to move in..."
This sounds like an environment where she could have been molested. There are some sick people in this world.
There are many reasons why children do not disclose sexual abuse, including:
Shame/guilt/embaressment
Fear of not being believed
Fear of being removed from home
Fear of loved one retaliating and that loved one being locked away
Threats of bodily harm to child or their family if they tell
Afraid that people will think it is their fault
My daughters are with me 95% of the time, other than when they are in school. She used to visit at her aunt's house but after finding out she was living with a man who smokes crack and does other illegal activities, and allowed her boyfriends brother (who is registered on Megan's Law) to move in... I stoped allowing them to go there. I scheduled her a therapy appointment this Friday and hopefully they can shed some light on things for the both of us.
I do know (now... my niece told me) that her and her boyfriend would have sex in the room with my niece when she "was sleeping" because they only had a one bedroom apartment and shared a room, so maybe my niece introduced the oral sex thing to my daughter rather than the other way around.
I don't understand why she wouldn't tell me is someone was doing something wrong to her... I've told her many times it would never be her fault and she wouldn't have to be afraid to tell me because I would never let anyone hurt her (believe me when I say I would do 30 years in prison with a smile for murdering anyone who ever touched my girls... I was sexually abused myself as a child).
Some of the things she does realyl doesn't seem too terrible, but it's the things she does that just leaves me completely baffled as to why she does them (like peeing on the carpets in her bedroom when she is almost 8) that scares me. She KNOWS she isn't supposed to do something (which is why she lies about them) but she still does them and when I ask her why she says she really doesn't know why... she does them and then afterwards realizes she shouldn't have.
I just want to be able to help her if she needs it, and if this is normal behavior than at least a therapist can tell me that. I love her with everything I am, and I tell her that everyday, and she knows her and her sister are priority in my life, but I just don't know why she acts the way she does.
"I've caught her with my massager (some little orange box thing my sister bought me for Christmas) down her underpants, I've been told by her sister that she puts things "in her butt" or inside herself, and that she made her sister and cousin (who is 6) "lick her".
I've asked her what is going on but she always says she doesn't know why she does the things she does. She's very impulsive, and gets frustrated quickly. I asked her if someone has ever touched her the wrong way and she denies it."
Children will not always tell if they have been sexually abused for many different reasons. Please start therapy with a female soon as possible.
Children usually do not perform oral sex or ask for it usless they have been exposed to it by someone else. It is more normal for children to touch theirselves or other children than it is to have oral sex. How would she have ever known that this might feel good? Has she been alone with anyone that could have touched her inappropriately?
I would not let her be unsupervised with other children until these behaviors are under control. I would also be careful who I told about this, just incase you are talking to the abuser without knowing it.
I think you should probably seek counseling for her. To be honest, nothing you are mentioning sounds terribly extreme-- but it would seem that overall your daughter has some frustrations and needs to learn some positive ways to deal with her feelings.
Sometimes, children who are very smart can be the most difficult ones to raise. Their temperments can be challenging-- they figure things out quicker than other children, and therefore act in ways that may be more challenging than other children to their parents.
I think a trip to a counselor for an evaluation would be a good idea, if for no other reason than to for you and she to learn more about what type of parenting will work best for her temperment.