My 4 year old daughter is out of control!

[msaxman]

My 4 year old daughter has some major problems with her bahavior when she doesn't get her way.  She always screams at us an constantly talks back.  This is especially embarrasing when we are in public.  She also hits us or objects around her when she becomes very enraged.  We have tried numerous punishments, such as putting her in the corner for minutes at a time, taking away certain toys (or ALL toys) for the day), but nothing seems to work.  Lately I've been threatening to throw away her favorite toys (and have with a few of them), but this also does not seem to work.  She gets upset for the moment, but then quickly gets over it.  She is SOOOO stubborn, and it is very frustrating.  When we put her in the corner all she does is scream (extremely loudly) and cries.  She's VERY dramatic.  I tell her that she needs to calm down before I will let her out, but that doesn't matter to her.  Please, we need help and her behavior is only getting worse.  She rarely listens when I tell her to do something, and sometimes purposely defies me.  My husband and I can't agree how to properly discipline her, and I know that doesn't help either.  Other than this, she is an extremely happy child.  We show her tons of affection and pay more than enough attention to her (she's an only child).  Do we need to seek professional help??

[LilMomma10]

I am definitely dealing with all the same issues and use the no t.v. as well. She is highly intelligient and I just need help it becones harf when your whoke life is controlled by your childs outbursts. I have heard of oppositional definat disorder and think I will check into it but please help me if you have suggestions!!!!

[bus_mom]

Our four year old daughter is similar. I can't say we've figured out her magic yet, so I'm definitely going to check out the book suggestions (thanks!)

What we do that does seem to work:
1) she's sees and OT and have had to step up the visits lately because things have been ROUGH lately. This does seem to help regulate her to a degree, but there are multiple issues we are addressing with her
2) we leave alone in her room until she quiets down. This is when it is over our head. I hate doing this, but it helps me to calm down to deal with her without screaming.
3) we have a small tent that is her resting zone to help her quiet. This one is kind of amazing. It isn't guaranteed to work when she's already set off, but when we see her starting up, it's more preventative
4) we do resort to threats, but only saying no to TV if she doesn't calm down. We do this one only because it works really well. She only gets to watch TV on the weekend and we don't let her watch it until she's had significant time where she's been well behaved. Because she likes TV so much she works hard at calming down. I hate how much she likes TV. But I welcome having some leverage!
5) most important is that we remain calm. this is tricky and takes a lot of practice, but over time it is helping to improve things. At least our state of mind.

Not sure how much use this list is, but just wanted to share what little we've figured out.

[Sandman2]

  Professional help may help you.  She doesn't need it - she is winning.  Read the books mentioned above.  I would start with SOS Help for Parents.  
  You and your husband need to be on the same page.  Pick a particular thing and work on that.  treat it the same way every time.  be consistent.  be short term.  Throwing away toys is a silly thing to do to a 4 year old.  they have not idea of long term consequences.  You might as well tell them you won't start their 401K plan.
   For example, every time she yells.  Give her a 5 min time out.  If she is still screaming, tell her that the timeout would be over now, but since she is still screaming - its not.  Let her scream away.  Every 5 min come in and repeat.  It may take a while, but she will get the idea.   I've got the feeling that you may have a pretty bright child that has learned how to get her way.

[jdtm]

There is an excellent book titled "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene which might be able to help you.  It can be found on-line (by googling the title of the book) or purchased in a bookstore or (if you're lucky) borrowed from your public library.  

There is a second book titled "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka which also might be of help.  If you check the "ask a doctor" - child behavior forum - you should be able to find in many of the replies of Dr. Kevin Kennedy the title of a book that he often recommends - SOS Help for Parents (see the  internet site   www.sosprograms.com).  Hope one of these books will offer some practical advice.