Need advice Asap

[Newgirlfriend7]

I have 3 daughters the oldest is 4. I am going threw a divorce and have recently found a really great guy that treats  us very well. The only problem is he has 4 kids that he has 4 night out of the week. There is no schedule oor consistency with him and his ex when it comes to their kids. He has a 12 year old boy who is constantly bullying my four year old. Then his next oldest 9 who I have caught holding my 4 year Olds face into a mattress while she was kicking and crying.  I recently saw my four year old acting like she was having sex (with her sister) when I asked where she saw how to do that  and she didn't want to tell me right away. I finally got out of her that my boyfriends 9 year old son goes into the girls room early in the morning and gets on top of her. When I asked more questions she didn't say anything. I am really concerned. Should I move out till I have counseling for her and see if what she saying is true or should I stay and wait for counseling and then move out if needed?

[MarkLakewood3367]

It sounds like you have more than enough evidence to suggest that your boyfriend's kids are out of control and are a negative influence on your kids.  It would be wise that you move out now pending your boyfriend taking responsibility for his kids behavior even if that means the end of your relationship.  It makes no sense maintaining a relationship that causes you to place one of your kids in counseling for the behaviors of his kids!

[specialmom]

Okay, I hear ya.  But that doesn't really change my advice.  I know it is hard but your first priority is your kids and keeping them safe and his first priority is his kids.  Your families do not match.  

this relationship could have bad results for your kids and his kids and it is not worth doing that.  

and I again must say that going straight from your marriage to another man (even over the course of a year of moving in together) often does result in relationships that have serious issues like this going on.  

I know this isn't what you want to hear but what could possibly be the solution?  A.  his kids and the one son in question not come over anymore?  No, that can't happen and shouldn't happen.  Or that you just wing it and see if your kids are okay in this situation?  Also not a great idea with too many risks.  

And whether you feel they originally gave the okay for you and kids to move in, it doesn't sound like they are happy about it.  For a 12 year old, a 4 year old is not the most fun to be around.  

your kids are at very different stages.  His kids are entering very vulnerable stages.  Middle school is a time for parents to stay really close to their kids and for them to be more involved than ever because of the things presented to them.  And you have toddlers/preschoolers.  

It's just not a great mix.  I'm sorry again.  I know I'm probably not making you happy to have me write this. But I think you know it on some level.  good luck

[Newgirlfriend7]

And his son hasn't done this before or so I am told I had spent months around the kids and then introduced our kids it has been over a year process from meeting each other and then meeting kids and moving in.

[Newgirlfriend7]

Everything went well at first with his kids. My girls and I didn't move in till he had talked to his kids and see I they were ok. There was no problem. I guess I should have stated that. We have been living together for 4 months and all these things have been in the last month and a half. I taken my kids to family counseling. But you are right if the kids aren't meshing and it's getting Unsafe. More advice is welcome as well. Thank you

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, here is the deal.  His kids come first to him.  That is proper and the way it should be.  

I find your post kind of confusing.  Knowing that a person's children are sacred to them and their number one priority that I can't change----  and then knowing that their kids do not mix with mine would make them a non candidate to date.  

If his son has hurt young girls and you have girls, why would you even entertain a relationship with him?  He can't ditch his son since he's met you, right?  And in fact, he needs to increase his involvement.  BTW, child upon child molestation happens typically when the aggressive child has been molested as well.  It's a very sad cycle and a child who does that needs help as well as empathy.

But you need to protect your child.

so, I see absolutely no future for this relationship.  There are plenty of men in this world.  And when we go from one relationship straight away to the next, it always concerns me.  When we do that we often do not take the time to change any negative patterns we have or we are in a position of a sort of desperation that allows us to settle for a less than ideal situation (as it is here).  

Be true to your kids and do not continue with this man.  Because expecting him to have less time with his kids because you want to be with him is really the wrong thing to do.

As you break it off, encourage him to seek him for his son.  good luck