When to tell son who his real father is?

[shedstrom74]

Hi, I am wondering if anyone has had experience with this?? I married after dating FB for only a short time and finding out I was pregnant. Within 4 weeks, my new husband became abusive, physically and mentally. I was able to get out before my son was born, and our divorce was final one month before he was born. FB saw my son a few times during his first 6 months of life, but after numverous times of having to call the police on him for his abusive behavior and getting a restraining order, I filed for full custody. In the middle of that ordeal, FB told me he just wanted to terminate his parental rights, which I agreed with because he was not fit in any way to care for my son. When my son was only 5 months old, I met the man who he would end up calling dad. We moved out of state when my son was 18 months old, and married when he was 2 1/2. My new husband SH formally adopted my son. We had always planned to tell him the truth (that SH was not his biological father) when he got a little older. SH and I had another son when my oldest was 3. We were a very happy, healthy family. When my oldest was 4 1/2 my husband was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. We had not told him the truth yet because we felt he was too young, and then after dealing with the death of his father, I waited. I always had the idea that 10 would be a good age to tell him. He is now ten, and I feel very strongly that I should explain everything. We are back living in my home state where his biological dad lives, but have had no contact with him. He has been in prison since then for trying to kill a girlfriend, and has at least 2 other children since my son. When I do tell him the truth, I know exactly how I am going to say it. I am just wondering, do you think this is a good time/age for him? I am just very afraid that he will find out before I get the chance to tell him. Also, if you have had a similar situation, can you advise how you went about it yourself? Thank you very much.

[specialmom]

Zombie in Dallas, to an outsider, the answer to your question "who is her father" seems so clear.  You are.  A father is not just DNA and you've always been this girls dad.  Love her just the same as you always have.  She deserves that.  

Maybe someday she'll know who her dna dad is, but she'll always think of you as her real dad.  Peace

[dallaszombie345]

I meant I was served with divorce papers in 2011 and I asked her over the year if I was the dad, not who the dad was since I always thought I was the biological father.

[dallaszombie345]

I just found out my daughter isn't mine - she is 13. I was broke up with the person, who is now my ex-wife, when she told me she was pregnant 13 years ago, but the conception time is possible.

I asked her if I was the dad when she told me she was pregnant, when I was signing the paternity acknowledgement forms and a number of times throughout the years. I have always had a good sense of intuition and it always bothered me. I didn't do anything sooner because I thought I was just being paranoid and my lovely wife had always gave reassuring answers that I was the dad - she is also a habitual liar. I will always love my daughter and I doubt I will ever tell her.

A little background ... I was in Iraq working construction projects and was served with divorce papers in 2010.  I found out when I got home, the day before Halloween 2011, that she has had a minimum of 15 sexual encounters (I think probablly around an even 2 dozen) in a 10 month period prior to my return and filed for divorce since she "fell in love". To make matters worse, I found two "Swinger Sites" that she was on with two different men and each one led off by saying, "We are a classy educated couple interested in meeting select couples, but we have small children and scheduling can be an issue sometimes." - - - I did not sleep for two days and did not eat for four.

She intially denied everything, but when confronted with the computer she recanted.

She is very beautiful, demonstrates a classy "appearance", everyone thinks she can do no wrong, and is well liked. I have to admit, she is a fantastic mother. I am a great father, and was a great husband and provider. While I was away, I bought her a new Mercedes, let her go on numerous trips, took the family to the Bahamas (She actually used the bathing suit photos I took of her during the trip on her swinger sites) and asked her 3 times to meet me in Europe for two weeks, but she wouldn't go. I gave her between $5K and $6K a month for spending money and a maid, while the whole time she would drop the kids off to school and go have sex with these men in hotels and be back in time to pick the kids up.  God help me, I still had feelings for her.

Our divorce was final two weeks ago, but until recently, I was staying with my family in our 5 bedroom house until my apartment was ready ... I have sinced move out before it was ready.

Five days ago I received the DNA results. I stroked my daughter's hair with my hand one day and went into the closet to put in a plastic bag I received previously from the lab, then I pluked my hair and put in another bag. The results came in via email and I was afraid to open it, so I waited a few weeks. I had a couple of beers one night and everyone was asleep and I opened the email thinking it would be inconclusive or I was the dad - it said I had a 0% chance of being the dad. I screamed, " No ! " loudly and my new ex-wife came out and asked repeatedly what was wrong. I regained my composure and just swung the laptop in her direction. She said, "No, there is no way someone else could be the dad." She then started to cry and said she felt terrible and was seemily racking her brain trying to figure out who she had sex with at the time of conception, but said she was not seeing any men except me and has no idea who it could be.

I may believe her when she thought all this time I was the dad, but I need your opinions (especially you LADIES).

Is it possible she could not remember anyone else nearly 14 years ago? She was not as promiscuous back then.

It is driving me crazy - - - I need to know who the father is or something about him !!!

I think she is lying - she has hesitated slightly when I have asked her sometimes over the years and my gut tells me she knows, or has a good idea. I need to know! I can't go on for the rest of my life not knowing - some may say why, but it is just something I need to know since I have been lied to, used and decieved so much.

Thanks
Zombie in Dallas

[neen8699]

Know this before going into it.  Your child will always know who daddy is!!  My child is 4 and the few times she sees her biological father he tries the hey it is daddy thing with her.  She tells him you are not my daddy.  It is going to be a bit confusing but no matter what age they know in there own way what a sperm doner is.  It is who plays the role of the father that gets all the credit

[mulcahyc74]

I am in a similar situation. My son is almost 8 and his biological father has been out of the picture since my son was 5 mos. old. I met a man, and had a daughter when my son was 2, we've lived with my daughter's father for the past 5 years and my son has always just called him "daddy". We never got married and we are currently in the middle of separating. He is filing for shared custody of BOTH my children, though my son is not his. According to the courts, he is able to file since he has acted as his father for the past 5 years. I have always wanted to tell my son about his biological father, but have never had the guts to do it and now I feel like I need to.

[evansdj]

I am about to do that hardest thing thus far, tell my son my husband is not his fathre. I have struggled with this decision for many years and now since family members have fallen apart I fear one of them night tell my son. I would hate for my son to find out from someone else. When he was a baby I moved away and left no information for his biodad to our where abouts. He was a good man and I didn't feel like he cared about my son at all. I married my husband soon after and before my son turned 1yr old we had my husband's name put on his birth certificate. My son has my husband's lastname. This was something that we were never going to tell him, but with the family issues and I recently found his biodad on FB to get an accurate medical history. His biodad says he searched for us and really wants to see his son. He says his was young and dumb then and he has a right to see his son. The time frame is 10yrs. I am planning on telling my son Sat. I am so scared and nervous... How do I know I am making the right decision?