When to tell son who his real father is?

[shedstrom74]

Hi, I am wondering if anyone has had experience with this?? I married after dating FB for only a short time and finding out I was pregnant. Within 4 weeks, my new husband became abusive, physically and mentally. I was able to get out before my son was born, and our divorce was final one month before he was born. FB saw my son a few times during his first 6 months of life, but after numverous times of having to call the police on him for his abusive behavior and getting a restraining order, I filed for full custody. In the middle of that ordeal, FB told me he just wanted to terminate his parental rights, which I agreed with because he was not fit in any way to care for my son. When my son was only 5 months old, I met the man who he would end up calling dad. We moved out of state when my son was 18 months old, and married when he was 2 1/2. My new husband SH formally adopted my son. We had always planned to tell him the truth (that SH was not his biological father) when he got a little older. SH and I had another son when my oldest was 3. We were a very happy, healthy family. When my oldest was 4 1/2 my husband was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. We had not told him the truth yet because we felt he was too young, and then after dealing with the death of his father, I waited. I always had the idea that 10 would be a good age to tell him. He is now ten, and I feel very strongly that I should explain everything. We are back living in my home state where his biological dad lives, but have had no contact with him. He has been in prison since then for trying to kill a girlfriend, and has at least 2 other children since my son. When I do tell him the truth, I know exactly how I am going to say it. I am just wondering, do you think this is a good time/age for him? I am just very afraid that he will find out before I get the chance to tell him. Also, if you have had a similar situation, can you advise how you went about it yourself? Thank you very much.

[vhl]

How do you get over the hurt of feeling like you've missed out on part of your life?  My sister is so deeply hurt and angry that my mother refused to tell her who her biological father is.  She thinks he may be dead as he would be in his 90s or so.  She would like to fill in the puzzle to the missing pieces in her life. She feels my mother selfishly is perserving her own self-worth while her own has been extrememly damaged.  She is a very caring person and is very nice. However, she feels she doesn't have an identity and can never be complete. How can she heal from this pain and suffering?  

[mykidsmyworld143]

I am going through basically the same thing as you; my son is 10 and my husband is not his bio dad, but has been the only father he has known since he was 3. Our son has a diff last name than us and now we have a daughter together. Our family is complete but I feel terrible for keeping this secret from him. He has asked questions about having a diff last name than us but we change the subject or say its because we weren't married when he was born. I have been thinking hard about telling him the truth before he gets any older. I am sure it will hurt his feelings, but I would rather him find out from us than someone else.

[mdbaby79]

sorry it should be :

not to decide is to decide!

[mdbaby79]

What mommy_2010 says is I feel quite valid. I understand your side too and you want to protect your son from a harmful effect but the longer you hide it from him the worse will be the side effect on him and as a result you. If you decide to put it off then as someone else said, 18 years of age would be the correct time. Why withhold a truth such as that from a soul? How can you expect him to be the best he can be missing such a vital piece of information about himself? Yes, I am speaking from my experience. It held me back all my life this secret about my bio father who I never knew about or met because he dies when I was six.
"To not decide is to decide"

[Lea8427]

I have a similair issue. My son is almost 7 and has only known my husband to be his dad, he has brought him up since he was a yr old with no involvement from his biological father. We recently married and had a child so we have the same surname and my sons is different, he has already questioned this. His biological father was given an opportunity in writing to see his son and didnt even acknowledge the letter. He also has an older daughter that he sees as and when cos he no longer lives in this country. I had the same situation, i saw my biological father til i was maybe 3yrs old then it stopped. I was told about him when i was 12 and didnt meet him until 2yrs ago, im now 27! When is best to tell my son the truth? I would appreciate advice.

[trippex]

TAKE IT TO YOUR GRAVE!! DO NOT TELL THE CHILD!!! SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE UNLESS YOU KNOW SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING TO FOR SURE.