When to tell son who his real father is?

[shedstrom74]

Hi, I am wondering if anyone has had experience with this?? I married after dating FB for only a short time and finding out I was pregnant. Within 4 weeks, my new husband became abusive, physically and mentally. I was able to get out before my son was born, and our divorce was final one month before he was born. FB saw my son a few times during his first 6 months of life, but after numverous times of having to call the police on him for his abusive behavior and getting a restraining order, I filed for full custody. In the middle of that ordeal, FB told me he just wanted to terminate his parental rights, which I agreed with because he was not fit in any way to care for my son. When my son was only 5 months old, I met the man who he would end up calling dad. We moved out of state when my son was 18 months old, and married when he was 2 1/2. My new husband SH formally adopted my son. We had always planned to tell him the truth (that SH was not his biological father) when he got a little older. SH and I had another son when my oldest was 3. We were a very happy, healthy family. When my oldest was 4 1/2 my husband was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. We had not told him the truth yet because we felt he was too young, and then after dealing with the death of his father, I waited. I always had the idea that 10 would be a good age to tell him. He is now ten, and I feel very strongly that I should explain everything. We are back living in my home state where his biological dad lives, but have had no contact with him. He has been in prison since then for trying to kill a girlfriend, and has at least 2 other children since my son. When I do tell him the truth, I know exactly how I am going to say it. I am just wondering, do you think this is a good time/age for him? I am just very afraid that he will find out before I get the chance to tell him. Also, if you have had a similar situation, can you advise how you went about it yourself? Thank you very much.

[mdbaby79]

Hi Lovelylaura25,
I'm sorry if this is a second reply but I wanted to say that I have similar story.
I saw during the year the grave of my bio father. He died when I was 6. No emotion yet. The dam walls I built were very strong.All this is slowly coming out after all these years.
The mother has the rock solid foundation of knowing that she is the mother of the child ( and usually knows who the father is, despite I feel what they might say ) but what does the child have whose identity is kept from them for 2 decades +. Its the duty of the mother to tell the child same as it is the childs right to know.

From my exp. the child is always subconsciously asking "who created me".

Love and Light to you
C

[mdbaby79]

Hi Linda48,

Yes, truth will set you free. Why wait for years for that to happen, a time when so much will have built up in between and which will make the decision even harder.
I am like your daughter. My bio father died unknown to me ( didnt know I had a diff bio father, didnt know he doesnt live anymore ) when I was 6. 1985. I am only finding this out since last year.
Hope it worked out. Im sure it did. Time heals everything.
God Bless
C

[mdbaby79]

Hi,

How are you getting on now 4yrs after this writing?
I am in very similar situation since last year. I hope that time has healed and you were able to move on with your own life.
God Bless
C

[mdbaby79]

The same thing happened for me only that I was 6 when my bio dad died suddenly. I only found all this out last year and I am 32 now. I am in shock and sick and am not yet able to let all the anger,rage, sadness, sorrow that has built up out. Take courage. Maybe you can visit your local church and ask for advice from the priest there. They normally have heard of everything and could lend an understanding ear and advise you best. I am saying this because my mother got advice from "doctors/ experts etc" that it is best not to revela such a thing to an unstable child!. She never made the link that I was becoming unstable ( depressed, losing interest in life , myself, low self esteem, self confidence  etc ) because I was missing this information which others had ( my mother and her sister ) It might seem like I am trying to pin the tail on the donkey here or find a convenient scapegoat but I was very sensitive ( like all children I suppose ) 3rd child  so feel I was aware that something was never right at home concerning me. This revelation is slowly coming to light for me.  I am sorry to be replying to so many other posts but I need to remember the truth of my being.

Increase your faith in your compassionate motherly love that can soothe all pain and hurts and that every child craves. Strengthen yourself and believe that the Truth is the only policy if you want to avoid further pain in the future for both yourself, your daughter and other close people involved. Secrets affect everyone I feel in the family.
Let us know how you get on.
God Bless You.

C

[mdbaby79]

Same for me. I found out ( although I always felt deep down something needed to be told me ) last Nov. It sounds that your mom is going to assist you and not run and hide in shame. That is good for you. But I know what you man when you say that you cant believe it. For me its like I am coming out of a coma. Like I was gently put to sleep of ever knowing this knowledge while the adults around me kept it all inside. I have much anger,rage that they had this secret knowledge of me. They empowered themselves while I was disempowered.

My bio dad dies when I was 6 1/2 and I never new that I had a diff dad and that he even doesnt live anymore, Relationship with normal dad I grew up with was never good and now its gotten to the disownment stage. Shakespeare will never be far away.

Time and severe struggles have galvanised me against such things now.
Heart only wants to give love and understanding now. No other way to go.

God Bless You
C

[mdbaby79]

Wisdom for the ages.

The whole lesson goes to teach the adults deeper faith in themselves and thei childs or as Emerson put it " The whole course of things goes to teach us faith "

Burying eternal truths like these so they become toxic shameful secrets with life of their own and to intensify the pain all unknown to the child is the most harmful thing in the world. I can testify with God as my witness.
In my opinion and from direct personal experience, "All the mommies and daddies need to sit up and listen real hard with their hearts. What opopl wrote is from the heart and cant be disputed.