When to tell son who his real father is?

[shedstrom74]

Hi, I am wondering if anyone has had experience with this?? I married after dating FB for only a short time and finding out I was pregnant. Within 4 weeks, my new husband became abusive, physically and mentally. I was able to get out before my son was born, and our divorce was final one month before he was born. FB saw my son a few times during his first 6 months of life, but after numverous times of having to call the police on him for his abusive behavior and getting a restraining order, I filed for full custody. In the middle of that ordeal, FB told me he just wanted to terminate his parental rights, which I agreed with because he was not fit in any way to care for my son. When my son was only 5 months old, I met the man who he would end up calling dad. We moved out of state when my son was 18 months old, and married when he was 2 1/2. My new husband SH formally adopted my son. We had always planned to tell him the truth (that SH was not his biological father) when he got a little older. SH and I had another son when my oldest was 3. We were a very happy, healthy family. When my oldest was 4 1/2 my husband was diagnosed with cancer and died 6 months later. We had not told him the truth yet because we felt he was too young, and then after dealing with the death of his father, I waited. I always had the idea that 10 would be a good age to tell him. He is now ten, and I feel very strongly that I should explain everything. We are back living in my home state where his biological dad lives, but have had no contact with him. He has been in prison since then for trying to kill a girlfriend, and has at least 2 other children since my son. When I do tell him the truth, I know exactly how I am going to say it. I am just wondering, do you think this is a good time/age for him? I am just very afraid that he will find out before I get the chance to tell him. Also, if you have had a similar situation, can you advise how you went about it yourself? Thank you very much.

[Agiesmom]

I have no experience with this, but I think I would wait until he's older.  Ten is the beginning of big changes with the start of puberty, hormones, etc.  And middle school is a very difficult time, imo, because kids are trying to be independent, but they are still insecure and tend to be "followers"--many are very easily influenced and feel confused and uncomfortable with their emotional and physical bodily changes.  I'd let him get through this biologically and emotionally difficult time for kids and tell him when he's older--if at all.  I'd be very concerned that he would feel a need to seek out his "father" and if he's been in prison for attempted murder, I don't think that's a good idea.  Also, he may associate himself with his biological father in a bad way--since he is "half" his dad biologically, he may think that he is half bad, like his dad.

I would seek guidance from a child psychologist before doing anything.

[shedstrom74]

Thank you so much for your advice. I look forward to hearing from more parents on this board. I definitely am considering seeking out a child psychologist first.

[Agiesmom]

I just wanted to add that a huge exception to what I wrote above would be if there were any chance he could find out unexpectedly from someone else.

I hope some others with personal experience and/or insight post to give you their thoughts.

Best wishes!

[erinty]

My cousin has five children her oldest daughter is from a different man but she does not know this, she is 19 years old and believes she has the same father as her brothers and sisters.  The parents recently got seperated and there is a lot of bitterness between them.  The father keeps threatening to tell the 19 year old he is not her father.  I know it will be a very difficult conversation to have but the sooner the better.  There will never be a right time, but seeing what my cousin goes through everyday because she still hasn't told her daughter the truth is agonizing.  i think it will become continually harder with every passing year. good luck.

[tmv]

Oh my, this is so difficult and I am so sorry for all of your heartache. I have had a similar discussion with my sister. Her oldest was fathered by an abusive fiance. He told her to have an abortion or he'd leave. Well, no question that she'd keep the baby. Now, she's 11 years old and my sister SWEARS that she will take it to her grave! It is such a tough decision and it is totally up to you. My sister's daughter was adopted by her current husband when she was 1 yr old. She knows no other. But, I fear that she is going to find out by someone. You never know who knows. Plus, there is a girl that used to be on her soccer team that actually is a 1/2 sister, they don't even know. But they look like twins! I have cried and cried over this and I know my sister has. But she is just not ready yet. FOB left and has yet to be seen. Rumors that he was in jail, running from law, etc. Bad circumstances.
I'm sorry that I couldn't help you. But know that you are not alone and the decision is ultimately up to you the when and if you choose to. So tough to deal with. I wish you well and (((hugs))) to you.

[magen7984]

I would tell him when you feel its right. I think he would be devastated if you tell him when he is much older. I fell 10 is a good age and if you know what or how you want ot tell him then do it. keep us  posted

[magen7984]

sorry posted the above post to the wrong person

[koukla29]

I think you should tell your son the truth soon, however, you should consider talking to a counselor about this before you talk to your son.  Maybe you could figure out the best way to talk to him.  I think the older he gets, the more it will seem like a big secret that you kept from him throughout the years.  In addition, I think that his reaction will be based on the way the information is presented to him.  You can explain the difference between biological and non biological, and you can also explain that his nonbiological father that he knew was truly his father, and he loved him beyond belief.  Biologically, his father is this man, however, this is not someone who is in his life, and he signed his rights away.  
This is when his father (your husband) adopted him because he wanted to be your son's father.  Something to that effect where he understands that he was never abandoned.  
You might be able to leave out the truth about where the biological father is and what type of person he was until he is a little older, unless you feel that your son may find this information out since you are living in the same town with the father and I assume the family.  A counselor or child psychologist can really come in handy in helping your son deal with this information.  Family counseling is also a good step as well.  Best wishes.  

[dazimmie]

I have a very similar situation that I am going through right now.  My daghter is 5 and comes from the same background.  I am no married with a 2 year old boy. My husband is the only dad that my daughter knows.  We are now going throught the formal adoption process and I have all of the same questions as you.  I want to tell her the truth but i do not know when it is right. I don't wan't her to feel like she has been lied to or that it is some huge secret.  I can't give you any advice because I have the same questions, but I do feel your pain.

[RockRose]

I don't understand why he has to know.

He probably barely remembers the man you said was his father,  and who raised him while he was still living  His biodad is a total loser and would make any kid feel like he came from questionable DNA.

Why tell him,  ever?  What benefit would your son gain from knowing this?

I vote for never telling him.  It's not in any way to his advantage to know.

[luvvlyfraggle]

I am going through the same thing also.I split with my ex partner when i was 3 months pregnant beacause of his abusive ways.I met my current partner when my daughter was 2 1/2 and she has always called him Daddy.She is now nearing 8 and we have decided to tell her now whilst she is old enough to understand but still young enough to not let it affect her childhood.Nobody can tell you when to do it,i'm afraid that decision lies with you.I'm dreading it but will keep you posted about how it went.x

[romulus]

10 yrs old is too young to tell your son about his biological father.  I would wait until he is 18.  He should be told, even just for medical reasons.  A lot of us have fathers that have fallen short of what we really wanted as dads.  Still, honesty is the best policy but it must be age appropriate and 10 is way too young.

[tanuvasamama]

I am going through a very similar situation.  My husband and I started dating when my son was only 5 months old.  My son is now 6 and we have 3 other children.  I spoke with a child psychologist about this.  She told me actually that the younger the better.  The children who are older when they find out about it treat the situation like a big bombshell.  Like the day the found out is when everything changed.  The ones who find out when they are younger just treat it as, ok mommy and then go on about their lives.  I've started introducing the concept to my son.  He knows that it was him and mommy first and that daddy fell in love with us both and wanted to be with us.  My husband is of a different race then my son, so it's pretty obvious and he'd figure it out.  I'd rather tell him then have him figure it out and wonder why I kept it a secret.  I'm still struggling with how to tell him that this all means he actually has a bio. father.  He doesn't realize how the whole thing fits together yet.  Luckily for us, the bio. father doesn't want to be a part of things, so my son will only be parented by one man.

[Nothisdaughter]

I am 34 years old and I just found out that my dad is not my biological father...and I am devestated.  So much so that I found this website to help me deal with it.  I found out because I was trying to find out blood types for my siblings and myself and well my dad put 2 and 2 together and figured he better tell me before I figured it out my self. You see the blood types don't match up for my mom and dad to produce a child with my blood type, but they do match up for my 2 brothers.  My mother had an affair after my brothers were born and I was the product of this. My dad never treated me differently and always loved me.... yet I am still devistated.  I wish I had never found out.  I have read your posts and I tried to think back to "was there a better time" to be told and I can't think of one... maybe as an adult teenager or in my early 20's (if I absolutely had to know) but I too vote for DON'T TELL because the only thing it's going to do is put your child in a state of depression.  
I love my dad and I know he loves me and now it's our secret (my mom died last year)  but it still hurts.

[RockRose]

Nothisdaughter - you could look at this the opposite way.  What a gift your dad has given you.  A loving,  stable home and a dad you are devastated,  because of his caring and character,  that he is not your father.

I have an uncle who had 4 biological daughters and then his wife had an affair and conceived a son.  He didn't treat that boy one bit differently than his own children,  he was loving and caring and considered them all his.  Now my uncle is near death,  and the son is about 40.  He takes care of my uncle in ways that no one else would - only one of his daughters spends much time with him.      It feel so warm to be around them.  What  a gift of love,  and overcoming what other people can't get forget,  and they've forged a very deep and abiding father son relationship.  

I hope somehow you can put this information behind you and realize your "dad" is even more wonderful than you thought he was before you knew.

Best wishes.

[mom2-2ts]

I do believe that at some point in time it is probably important for your son to know, but am in agreement that a this age there are so many other things going on in his life it might not be the right time.  I am a psychotherapist and work with children mostly and would have to say that there are a few things that should be in place prior to your letting him know.  One would be that you take the time to document the story of his life, and that of his bio father's.  Do this in separate books.  Most children or adults who find out that they had another biological parent will feel somewhat jipped that they were kept from this other parent.  Right now he may be too young to explain all of your reasons why his bio dad isn't around, but when he gets older he should know the facts.  It is also important for you to document for him all of the wonderful things that his "real father" (stepdad) did for him that made him so special in your son's life.  
Realize that no matter what you do, this is going to be hard for your son to hear.  However, seeking out counseling, I believe, would be your best route.  You are not going to want to go this alone.  I would definitely wait a while though.  There is never going to be the "right time" or a good situation, but look for the best opportunity where he is very stable, and secure about who he is.  Most children in this situation will feel a huge sense of rejection based on the one parent leaving, as well as have self-esteem issues based on this rejection.  Please do whatever you can to make this as easy as possible for this little guy.  And as I said before, I would wait until you sought out some professional help.
Good luck

[whenua]

I have an 11 year old son who met his bio father for the first time last week. The bio father only found out he had a son 2 months ago when I wrote to him. ALthough the bio father was only recently told, my son was told when he was 6. He calls my husband dad. We decided to tell him whilst he was still young so it would be something he would grow up knowing. His younger sibblings also know. My son really took it in his stride and has been great about it. I believe I made the right decision in telling him and also feel it took a load of my shoulders. It is a big secret to bare. Fortunatly my sons bio father wants to be involved, he accepts the circumstances around why he was not told when I was pregnant and we look forward to he and my son building a relationship. Tell him now. Telling a teen will be alot tougher.

[David502]

Wow!
These posts have helped tremendously...here is my story.  Sitting at the breakfast table like I have done for 22 years with my wife 1 month ago, she exclaims, "OMG, this _______ player looks just like you!".  It was a picture of a 24 year old  athelete participating in a world championship in a sport that I played for 15 years in the 80's and 90's (I am 48).  She then says, "he not only is your double, but he has your arms and hands."  Ten minutes of googling and we were convinced that I was at least related.  Through my memory of his Mother,  MySpace and the internet (he has many profiles and pictures) I have discovered that I am his father.  His Mom was a one time fling when I was 22 and graduating from college.  She was 34 and in town visiting relatives.  I have learned that she has been married for 28 years and has an older son.

I am happily married with two great daughters, 18 and 16.  I would very much like to meet my son however know that there are positives and negatives to such an event for him.  I never thought that blood types can be a give away.  Also, my oldest is dating a ____________ player that plays in the same league as my son.  With his new found status as somewhat of a star in the league I believe that her boyfriend could very well recogize him.  I was also invited by some old teammates to watch the world championships and had to decline.  The likeness is such that several teammates called later to say, "what's up with you and this ________player'?  Lastly,  I was training for a master's league in the sport to play against another city team and have opted out after learning that several of my son's teammates on the National squad play for the same team where I was going to play against their seniors side.

As I said before, I would Very much like to meet him, and know that it would be his decision to pursue any sort of relationship if we were ever to meet.  I am afraid that the negatives out weigh the positives here though.  With that in mind, I am leaning towards not contacting him  so as not to hurt both he and his family.  Or am I wrong given the potential that he finds out via some other source.  After all, he is only a click away on MySpace from my daughters.  With blood types, he/they may already know.  He also looks nothing like the rest of his family so I can't rule out that he harbors questions.

Any thoughts?

[whenua]

Gosh what a  surprise for you. There is never any easy way with paternity situations, but there does seem to be an underlying right for a child to know his / her parentage.  I would suggest you try to contact the mother first to give her the opportunity to address the situation. I think the guy would have a lot more respect for you if he sees that you have handled it sensitively. If she denies paternity, where does that leave things? When I contacted my childs son for the first time I chose to do it via a letter to his work. I did not want to phone as I thought it didnt give him a chance to process things in his own time and space. I also did not want to send it to his home address as I was not sure of his relationship situation and wanted to ensure he did actually get the letter. Think carefully and talk to your family about how they feel about it too. Until you have dna tests done though it isnt absolute, unless of course the mother admits to it. It will be tough for you all but possibly a good thing too. good luck

[jellicle]

Wow!  Some amazing stories.  I am so crying people!!  lol.  My heart goes out to all of you who have shared and thanks to you too for enriching our lives with vicarious experiences.
Alright, whether or not to tell I don't think is the question.  You're already planning to tell right?  I think we all have a right to know who our parents are.  It's like this: Why would we be allowed to know what pi equals, or how to swing a bat, or how to make mac and cheese in the microwave, or knit a scarf and not have the most basic scientific information about ourselves?  If you were happy before the knowledge, there is comfort and joy in that.  (I'm sorry nothisdaughter, I can't imagine what you must be going through and my heart goes out to you and your dad for your loss and your secret.)
I wince to say this, but in case it helps anyone else on the subject; I don't think it should ever be a taboo secret subject.  If a child is raised with the knowledge (say the age of 2 or 3) then it's never a big deal, it is what it is.  shrug.  So...
Between those super awkward influential and unstable years between 8 and 13 (wince) I think maybe it's too much to take in.  I'd wait until he's 14 and can better communicate, rather than supress his feelings on the subject.  Your little man may already have some inkling that there's something he should know.  So if you do want to tell him now... even though it IS a huge deal I know, -don't make a big deal about it, because after all in the end it matters very little in his case right- really?  His acting father loved him and he knows, will always know...  This other a** just happens to be his sperm donor, and he proooobaaablyyyy doesn't need to know the specifics of his bio fathers character.
He will hopefully be content with his life as it is (I would probably not give his name right now though -so easy to look up.)  What do you guys think?
Good luck and blessings your way!  
BTW:  Super proud of you for leaving when you were pregnant!!  Saving your son in the first place was the hardest part.  Be assured of how blessedly things worked out when you tell your son as well and he will know that all is well, good, and as it was meant to be.  

[jellicle]

I'm always so amazed how long these things end up being when I hit the post comment button!  pffff.

[swoozie87]

i am married for 22 years and been with my husband for 27 alltogther, he had a fling and i had a fling only i have a son from my fling. my husband forgave me and the son has his last name and he has raised the boy all his life, the real dad, knew he had a son and after he was older he came and went and then my son started going to visit him, he thinks his real father is a very good friend, he doesn't know that is his real father. i never asked for child support or any help, and my son has spina bifida and wears leg braces and pull-ups because he has no controll over his bowls. anyway i just found out that the real dad wants my son to know he is the real father, my son is now 10 years old and i don't know if he could comprehend all of this information and that the friend is his real father, and i don't know what he would call him because i don't want him calling him daddy, he has a daddy, my husband has stood besides my son threw everything surgery, needles, shots, sickness and his insurance paid for all of it, and now we get help but still i don't even know how to explain this to my son, i sure could use some help from anyone who has been threw this if they have. Thanks,

[love2bemom]

My mom and birth father divorced when I was a baby, due to abuse and infidelity. He gave up his parental rights, and a few years later my mom met my dad, who formally adopted me and raised me as his daughter. I don't remember my father (we are in contact now, but growing up I did not know him), but I do know that my dad didn't have to adopt me or take that role in my life, but he did because he loved me very much. He has never thought of me as not being his own, and in my heart he is my true father. My mom told me that Dad was not my birth father when I was 8 years old, and although I had many questions about my father, I was fine with the knowledge that Dad wasn't my birth father because I knew he loved me like his own child anyway. In fact, it made me feel pretty special to know that he loved me that much.

I don't know if this is a good age to do it...I was a very mature child for my age, so I think my mom felt comfortable telling me at a younger age. However, I do feel that age 10 is a good age to talk about something like this. He's not so young that he won't understand, and not so old that he won't want to talk about it. You said you already know what you're going to say...if you feel that your son is emotionally capable of handling this situation for what it is, then by all means I think you should tell him. Kids are remarkably resilient and I'm sure that he will handle it better than you can imagine. Just be prepared for lots of questions, and the possibility that he may want to meet his birth father someday. So it's important to be completely open and answer his questions honestly...because one day, if he does meet his father, it's possible that the man will try to tell your son a bunch of lies, and your son will have an easier time if he already knows the truth from you.

[cat2528]

I hope you don't mind that pick your therapy brain  :)

I have a friend who's non-biological son is behaving self-destructive.  He's 15 years old, smokes pot and drinks, hangs out with older guys, has been kicked out of school.  This behaviior started a few years back when the boys mother shared with her son that my friend was not his biological father.  

What do you feel would be the best course of action for everyone?  Clearly his son needs help.  He has participated in counceling in the past, but that is all I know.

Thank you