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Where do I find strategies to deal with my family?
I am a mother of three children ages 10, 8 and 6. Two older boys and a little girl. I have had a really bad relationship with my husband where there has been a lot of verbal abuse, a lot yelling confrontations etc... My oldest kids has anger issues and is doing poorly in school. I already started seeing those signs in my 8 year old. My 10 year old somewhat listens to me and follows directions. He hates the way his dad acts toward the family and is able to verbalize it. My 8 year old is full of anger also. Lately, he hits me when he doesn't get his way, and calls me names. When I discipline him by taking away his toys and sending him to his room he goes but he gets out without asking. He throws stuff out, hits, kicks, and keeps bothering the other two children. I feel bad for my little girl. Sometimes, I feel like she feels bullied. She resents them already and she says that they don't love her, and wishes she had other brothers. I started counseling but I feel like I don't have much grasp of what I should be doing myself. I get agitated with their behavior because is so personal, and hurtful towards me. I keep telling myself that they really don't know what they are talking about and that their responses are merely mimicking his father's behavior. The problem is that my husband and I are still together, and I don't see him changing his behavior anytime soon.
ha. All that and a couple of other ideas too--------- sorry I am so long winded. What about some art? Many kids will find painting very therapeutic. Take out the anger on some poster board with paints.
And lastly, drums. Again, this helps take out frustration in a healthy way and works directly on calming the nervous system (even though you might need ear plugs.)
And lastly, drums. Again, this helps take out frustration in a healthy way and works directly on calming the nervous system (even though you might need ear plugs.)
Oh boy, this is tough. Does your husband have any desire to work on how he handles his frustration and anger? Will he compromise at all about this? What does your therapist say about your children and their reaction to living with such volatility?
I'm wondering if a family counseling situation for your two boys and you would help. I'd also start thinking of what things you can encourage your son to do---------- scouts, church youth group, swim team, etc. What I like about scouts and youth group is that a big part of it is about respect. Even the "young marines" which is an organization for boys would be an idea. Check into what kinds of things like this are available.
I'd start communicating as openly as you can. Tell them that there is a level of anger and hostility in the house that you'd like to decrease. I mean------- really talk to them about how they feel. I know your son talks about how angry he is. But what is he angry about? Is he just not learned a proper way to express himself whenever he is angry or is there something specific? If he hasn't learned about how to express anger---------- teach him. Ask your therapist for some guidelines.
For older boys a "walk but don't talk rule" is helpful. They can walk to a private spot to calm themselves down and they can't talk and you can't talk to them. They can return when they are calm.
The "thought bubble" rule is good. You can think whatever you want------ but you can NOT say it. Put it in a thought bubble. It is still there but not said.
Journals are good. They can write what they are mad about and all of the things they'd like to do and say without actually doing it.
Techniques of seeing anger brewing and stopping it before it tumbles over the edge are good. The goal is to note when you are becoming agitated. When they (and you) notice that this is happening by certain things they do or say . . . that things are in place to immediately de escalate the situation. Deep breathing, cool down spot, counting to 10.
Get a punching bag or kickboxing bag and hang it in the basement (or wherever). Tell them to go work it out on that. VERY therapeutic to the nervous system.
With regards to your husband, could he possibly be depressed? Some men react to clinical depression and anxiety by appearing angry and confrontational. It is "angry man" syndrome. A low dose of antidepressant (especially an ssri) can really help. I always present it as "you will feel so much better!" rather than you need this.
There is an excellent book called "LOVE and LOGIC". Our school uses it in all of its parenting classes. It is about natural consequences with kids. I think it will help you with your kids so consider getting this book.
Lastly, do they respond to a reward system of any sort?
I'm wondering if a family counseling situation for your two boys and you would help. I'd also start thinking of what things you can encourage your son to do---------- scouts, church youth group, swim team, etc. What I like about scouts and youth group is that a big part of it is about respect. Even the "young marines" which is an organization for boys would be an idea. Check into what kinds of things like this are available.
I'd start communicating as openly as you can. Tell them that there is a level of anger and hostility in the house that you'd like to decrease. I mean------- really talk to them about how they feel. I know your son talks about how angry he is. But what is he angry about? Is he just not learned a proper way to express himself whenever he is angry or is there something specific? If he hasn't learned about how to express anger---------- teach him. Ask your therapist for some guidelines.
For older boys a "walk but don't talk rule" is helpful. They can walk to a private spot to calm themselves down and they can't talk and you can't talk to them. They can return when they are calm.
The "thought bubble" rule is good. You can think whatever you want------ but you can NOT say it. Put it in a thought bubble. It is still there but not said.
Journals are good. They can write what they are mad about and all of the things they'd like to do and say without actually doing it.
Techniques of seeing anger brewing and stopping it before it tumbles over the edge are good. The goal is to note when you are becoming agitated. When they (and you) notice that this is happening by certain things they do or say . . . that things are in place to immediately de escalate the situation. Deep breathing, cool down spot, counting to 10.
Get a punching bag or kickboxing bag and hang it in the basement (or wherever). Tell them to go work it out on that. VERY therapeutic to the nervous system.
With regards to your husband, could he possibly be depressed? Some men react to clinical depression and anxiety by appearing angry and confrontational. It is "angry man" syndrome. A low dose of antidepressant (especially an ssri) can really help. I always present it as "you will feel so much better!" rather than you need this.
There is an excellent book called "LOVE and LOGIC". Our school uses it in all of its parenting classes. It is about natural consequences with kids. I think it will help you with your kids so consider getting this book.
Lastly, do they respond to a reward system of any sort?
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