Aa
am I wrong?
I just have a quick question. I have 5 children and 3 of them have severe behavior problems like not listening, lying, stealing and so on. When we moved in together, we were short one bed. so we aired up our air mattress for one of them, and told them that if they jumped on it, they could get hurt and we'd have to take the beds. Well they kept jumping on them, almost not stop, and it seems as tho they only jump on the airbed... or I've only caught them on that one anyways. I didn't want to take their beds, but since I had already threatened many times I couldn't go back on my word, so I took their beds. all but the babies bed. They've only been without a bed now for about 5 days, they don't seem to care that they don't have beds anymore. Finally one of the kids has shown that she deserves her bed back, so she got it tonight. The others have to proove to me that they can respect the furniture in the house... Was it wrong of me to take their beds? They will get them back hopefully by the end of the week... a couple more days. But they have to learn not to jump on them.
About 6 months ago at the old house, one was jumping on the bed, fell into the door knob and got 7 staples in the head. I don't want it to happen again... but I didn't know what else to do.
For some reason my family thinks that it's morally wrong that I took their beds, and they haven't gotten them back yet... but soon they will... just a couple days of listening and doing what they are told is all I ask for.
So, was I wrong? any oppinions?
About 6 months ago at the old house, one was jumping on the bed, fell into the door knob and got 7 staples in the head. I don't want it to happen again... but I didn't know what else to do.
For some reason my family thinks that it's morally wrong that I took their beds, and they haven't gotten them back yet... but soon they will... just a couple days of listening and doing what they are told is all I ask for.
So, was I wrong? any oppinions?
Okay. So you have a passel of kids, with terrible chaos in their lives, and huge behavior problems.
And you're worried about inflatable mattresses.
If you're worried about one of the kids crashing her head on a doorknob, get real mattresses, not inflatable plastic ones, and put them in the middle of the room on the floor.
It sounds like you have MUCH more to worry about than these silly little mattresses, foam. Really. Listen to your family. They've probably known you and your family situation for longer than strangerson a bulletin board know you, and they say get over it.
And you're worried about inflatable mattresses.
If you're worried about one of the kids crashing her head on a doorknob, get real mattresses, not inflatable plastic ones, and put them in the middle of the room on the floor.
It sounds like you have MUCH more to worry about than these silly little mattresses, foam. Really. Listen to your family. They've probably known you and your family situation for longer than strangerson a bulletin board know you, and they say get over it.
I just want them to know that it isn't ok to not listen to my words, and to do what I say. And that I am going to do what I say I am going to do.
I do have a lot more problems to worry about with these kids, I was just wondering why my family see's this as something soo wrong. I don't see the big deal
I do have a lot more problems to worry about with these kids, I was just wondering why my family see's this as something soo wrong. I don't see the big deal
When "we moved in together", means what?
You've moved in with a boyfriend? You've moved in with your kids?
Your famiily might be willing to cut your kids some slack if they're living with disorganization.
You've moved in with a boyfriend? You've moved in with your kids?
Your famiily might be willing to cut your kids some slack if they're living with disorganization.
We live in a small apartment in a small town me and my 2 kids. My fiance' and his 3 kids moved in, then we moved and lived with my sister for a couple months till we could find a place. Found a place close to his work, a much bigger house, but the kids to have to share rooms untill we can afford to buy a house.
We have lived in this house for about a month now, and just didn't have the money to buy another bed. Part of their christmas is gonna be new beds, but until then we were using the air up bed so they'd all have beds, and no one had to sleep on the floor, or share beds.
I was just wondering why they think I'm soo wrong for taking the beds untill they can respect the house and our things. His kids have already broken the blinds in the living room, and his youngest the 3 year old, hung on one of the bedroom doors, and it came off the hinges, the top and the bottom. It was still connected with the middle one, so we just took it off, and now don't have a door either.
I took the beds to make a point. My family knows everything that the kids have been thru and all the stress they have put me under. My family thinks that I'm getting too stressed out and want me to consider leaving my fiance... which I'm not doing. I think things can work out, and the kids will start listening again. They've just had a lot of drama when they were with their mother, whom doesn't want them anymore and couldn't handle raising them... she abused them severly!
Just tell me why I'm the bad guy for taking the beds, and why it's soo wrong. Especially since they will be getting them back shortly, I was just making a point
We have lived in this house for about a month now, and just didn't have the money to buy another bed. Part of their christmas is gonna be new beds, but until then we were using the air up bed so they'd all have beds, and no one had to sleep on the floor, or share beds.
I was just wondering why they think I'm soo wrong for taking the beds untill they can respect the house and our things. His kids have already broken the blinds in the living room, and his youngest the 3 year old, hung on one of the bedroom doors, and it came off the hinges, the top and the bottom. It was still connected with the middle one, so we just took it off, and now don't have a door either.
I took the beds to make a point. My family knows everything that the kids have been thru and all the stress they have put me under. My family thinks that I'm getting too stressed out and want me to consider leaving my fiance... which I'm not doing. I think things can work out, and the kids will start listening again. They've just had a lot of drama when they were with their mother, whom doesn't want them anymore and couldn't handle raising them... she abused them severly!
Just tell me why I'm the bad guy for taking the beds, and why it's soo wrong. Especially since they will be getting them back shortly, I was just making a point
I don't know you, your family does, and it seems like you're making me answer for why your family thinks you're soo wrong.
I can only guess. Your family knows you. Take this up with them. I don't know you.
I can only guess. Your family knows you. Take this up with them. I don't know you.
Yes, it's wrong. Don't take their beds. A bed is not a privilege--it falls into the category of needs, imo...like food, water, clothes, shelter, etc.
In the future, you might want to take time to think about a consequence before blurting out a threat that isn't reasonable. Don't threaten to take something you can't, shouldn't, or won't take. Maybe put the air mattresses in an unused room or in the garage during the day and put them in the bedrooms at bedtime. Maybe make their bedtime 15 minutes earlier the next night if they jump on the mattress tonight...or, better yet, read an extra story or book to them if they get into bed nicely without jumping--if they jump, no extra story.
Also, you wrote that you think they will "start listening again" as if they used to listen and be well-behaved, but now they aren't. Is that the case?
In the future, you might want to take time to think about a consequence before blurting out a threat that isn't reasonable. Don't threaten to take something you can't, shouldn't, or won't take. Maybe put the air mattresses in an unused room or in the garage during the day and put them in the bedrooms at bedtime. Maybe make their bedtime 15 minutes earlier the next night if they jump on the mattress tonight...or, better yet, read an extra story or book to them if they get into bed nicely without jumping--if they jump, no extra story.
Also, you wrote that you think they will "start listening again" as if they used to listen and be well-behaved, but now they aren't. Is that the case?
I didn't say they were ever well behaved. The used to listen partially. I'd only have to give a couple warnings and count to three and they'd listen. Now they just do what they want, becaus they don't care. They didn't care before but at least gave a little respect and listened to what was best for them, like the rules and keeping them safe.
THey jump on the beds during the day, and I'm not about to take the beds during the day and give em back at night. Our house is 3 stories, and I'm not taking that thing up and down all the time. A bed isn't something they absolutely need, anyone can sleep on the floor, doesn't hurt you. They just gotta realize that they gonna respect me and my house and the furniture!
**** I make bedtime earlier, all they do is rough house all night, and I have to yell and threaten all night, or at least a few hours. That won't work. and reading any stories before bed is for children who listen. THese kids don't listen, at all. They don't respect me or my house. and me trying to keep them safe, forget it. They don't care!
I took the bed to make a point. If they can listen there will be more stories and fun stuff to do.
THey jump on the beds during the day, and I'm not about to take the beds during the day and give em back at night. Our house is 3 stories, and I'm not taking that thing up and down all the time. A bed isn't something they absolutely need, anyone can sleep on the floor, doesn't hurt you. They just gotta realize that they gonna respect me and my house and the furniture!
**** I make bedtime earlier, all they do is rough house all night, and I have to yell and threaten all night, or at least a few hours. That won't work. and reading any stories before bed is for children who listen. THese kids don't listen, at all. They don't respect me or my house. and me trying to keep them safe, forget it. They don't care!
I took the bed to make a point. If they can listen there will be more stories and fun stuff to do.
If you're happy taking their beds away, and satisfied that you did the right thing, stop asking for people to agree with you.
No one agrees with you - not your family, not those who have responded here, but if you think you did the right thing, stop arguing about it and trying to force people to say you're right.
No one agrees with you - not your family, not those who have responded here, but if you think you did the right thing, stop arguing about it and trying to force people to say you're right.
I'm not forcing anyone to say anything here, I was just asking for an opinion, that's all! You're the one who kept asking questions, when all you had to do was say you didn't agree, that's all
If you don't need a bed and can sleep on the floor, why did you even bother getting a mattress in the first place? You said that they only jump on the air bed and you said there's only one air bed. I have an air bed--it's not that difficult to pick it up with a fitted sheet on it, grab the blanket, and lock it in an unused room.
I have a bit of a newsflash for you. YOU, as the adult, set the tone for your home and environment. If you are yelling all night or for hours (your words), you're going to get the same back. If you are calm, speak quietly and deliberately, and are consistent, you will get that back. And don't say, "I've tried that!" It's not something you try for an hour (or a day) and expect everything to be different. It has to be consistent and long-term (permanent) and even then, it will likely take a while for it to kick in with them.
And there is no reason you shouldn't be able to get them to sit for an interesting book. I have never known a kid who doesn't love that--kids love circle time at the library and daycares. My son is and has always been VERY spirited--running around, climbing fences, into cupboards, somersaulting on the sofas, etc. when he was younger--and when I got out a book and blanket and called to him, he came running.
Honestly, I think you need to look at yourself. You actually have more control than you think you have--you just need to accept that and make some changes instead of complaining about how awful the kids are and how awful there mother was and how no one agrees with you. All you can do is change yourself and by doing so, you change how others react to you.
Also, from reading your other posts, some major counseling may be in order here for all of you.
Best of luck to you.
I have a bit of a newsflash for you. YOU, as the adult, set the tone for your home and environment. If you are yelling all night or for hours (your words), you're going to get the same back. If you are calm, speak quietly and deliberately, and are consistent, you will get that back. And don't say, "I've tried that!" It's not something you try for an hour (or a day) and expect everything to be different. It has to be consistent and long-term (permanent) and even then, it will likely take a while for it to kick in with them.
And there is no reason you shouldn't be able to get them to sit for an interesting book. I have never known a kid who doesn't love that--kids love circle time at the library and daycares. My son is and has always been VERY spirited--running around, climbing fences, into cupboards, somersaulting on the sofas, etc. when he was younger--and when I got out a book and blanket and called to him, he came running.
Honestly, I think you need to look at yourself. You actually have more control than you think you have--you just need to accept that and make some changes instead of complaining about how awful the kids are and how awful there mother was and how no one agrees with you. All you can do is change yourself and by doing so, you change how others react to you.
Also, from reading your other posts, some major counseling may be in order here for all of you.
Best of luck to you.
You should have never taken their beds away!! A Bed is NOT a priviledge!! It is a nessecity!! It also sounds like you do alot of yelling(your words) and that will never work! You need to stay calm and punish your children right!! It is ok to take away a priviledge as punishment, just dont take away things that they need. It sounds like your kids are going from place to place and you need some stability in their lives!! You should probably get control of your household before moving more children in.
Um... there won't be moving any more children into this house! This is all the kids we have. You are right I do do a lot of yelling and I hate it, like you said it doesn't work, but it seems that nothing works with these kids. The kids aren't going from place to place, there has been a lot of moving so we can support our family, but the moving won't happen again till we buy a house, within a year or so.
I know that some changes need to be made on my part, but also on the kids' part. They don't care.
Oh and to the one who said I'll never find anyone who agrees with taking the beds. I did find someone, not on this site, but a close friend, who has 2 kids herself, and 2 stepkids as well. She knows how hard it is getting someone else's kids to listen to you and keeping the peace in the house. She said she would have done the same thing with her kids if all they do is not listen, and once you say you are going to do something, you can't go back on your word, or they don't believe you will hold true to it. So what else was I to do, Yes maybe think more before I blurt something out... but at the time that's what happened. So I had to hold true and do what I said I was going to do. As long as I give the kids' bed back, I don't see any harm in it... they need to know that they are going to respect me and the house they live in.
Did I not mention that before this, they broke the blinds in the living room, and pulled one of the bedroom doors off the hinges? These kids are destructive and I'm just trying to do my job and keep, or get them under control.
I know that some changes need to be made on my part, but also on the kids' part. They don't care.
Oh and to the one who said I'll never find anyone who agrees with taking the beds. I did find someone, not on this site, but a close friend, who has 2 kids herself, and 2 stepkids as well. She knows how hard it is getting someone else's kids to listen to you and keeping the peace in the house. She said she would have done the same thing with her kids if all they do is not listen, and once you say you are going to do something, you can't go back on your word, or they don't believe you will hold true to it. So what else was I to do, Yes maybe think more before I blurt something out... but at the time that's what happened. So I had to hold true and do what I said I was going to do. As long as I give the kids' bed back, I don't see any harm in it... they need to know that they are going to respect me and the house they live in.
Did I not mention that before this, they broke the blinds in the living room, and pulled one of the bedroom doors off the hinges? These kids are destructive and I'm just trying to do my job and keep, or get them under control.
maybe you should call nanny 911? haha. im just kidding. but seriously - i undertand that it has to be hard to deal with that many kids all at once. i give you credit for doing it. i agree with the others that you should have never taken their beds. perhaps a more appropriate punishment would have been to separate them into time outs or take away something they all enjoy. i think saying ill take your beds away if you dont stop jumping on them, is like saying, ill take your dinner away of you dont stop playing with you food and then im not going to feed you again until you can prove you deserve it. i think in your last post, you pretty much answered you own question. before you blurt out outrageous punishments from sheer frustration...stop, think, take a breath, and calmly give the children an appropriate ultimatum. im just curious, do your own children tend to listen better to you than your step children? or are the all together just a rambunctious bunch? you need to find some way to vreate structure in this household. whether it be a chore chart, a daily schedule, etc. if you give the children allotted time slots for what they should be doing and when they should be doing it, maybe your nights will not be as hectic. for example, after school there can be snack time, homework time, dinner, playtime (but specifiy what is and isnt allowed), then get ready for bed time, story time (maybe have the older kids read to the younger kids), bedtime. i dont know. just a thought. good luck.
yes of course, supernanny! didn't supernanny go out to the family whose children recently burnt their house down?!?! that just goes to show you...if supernanny can't help, no one can!
I didn't threated to take the beds when I caught them jumping on them. I threatened that I would only air up that bed if they didn't jump on it. They agreed, and I told them that if I caught them jumping on it, they'd all get taken away. I can't just take one bed if all of the kids are jumping on them.
And I don't just have the kids during the afterschool time. I have them 24/7, besides the 3 hours the 3 of them spend at school. My 2 kids are way better behaving than the other 3 by far. Mine listen to me most the time and do what I ask. If it's something she doesn't want to do, she'll throw a fit but other than that, she is well behaved.
The other kids, steal food in the morning, especially fruit if it's out, candy if they can find any and anything else they want. They never got into the pantry, which is always full of food, but today they did. They stole a bunch of snacks and crackers and took them to their room. The day before they took their dad's candy bars and the day before they found m&m's.... They will do anything and everything to make you angry and see what you will do. Then when they get in trouble and someone else is there, they play it out that they aren't the bad guys who do things wrong. They make you feel sorry for them. They know how to play people very well!! They find your buttons and push them on purpose!
His middle child whom is 4.5 will hurt people and thinks that it's funny. and does it all the time. THe oldest 6 steals and lies all the time... even if you catch her doing things she won't ever admit to doing what you caught her doing. That's all they do is steal, lie and hurt others "because it's fun"
And I don't just have the kids during the afterschool time. I have them 24/7, besides the 3 hours the 3 of them spend at school. My 2 kids are way better behaving than the other 3 by far. Mine listen to me most the time and do what I ask. If it's something she doesn't want to do, she'll throw a fit but other than that, she is well behaved.
The other kids, steal food in the morning, especially fruit if it's out, candy if they can find any and anything else they want. They never got into the pantry, which is always full of food, but today they did. They stole a bunch of snacks and crackers and took them to their room. The day before they took their dad's candy bars and the day before they found m&m's.... They will do anything and everything to make you angry and see what you will do. Then when they get in trouble and someone else is there, they play it out that they aren't the bad guys who do things wrong. They make you feel sorry for them. They know how to play people very well!! They find your buttons and push them on purpose!
His middle child whom is 4.5 will hurt people and thinks that it's funny. and does it all the time. THe oldest 6 steals and lies all the time... even if you catch her doing things she won't ever admit to doing what you caught her doing. That's all they do is steal, lie and hurt others "because it's fun"
You keep saying they steal food. Maybe they feel like since they live there it's their food and they should be able to eat it. My suggestion is, if you don't want them snacking all day (again, I think they're doing it out of boredom), then have set meal times and snack times and put a lock on the pantry, fridge and have your husband lock up his candy if he doesn't want anyone touching his stuff. Problem solved.
If the kids are jumping on the bed and you dont like it, put them away until bedtime. Do you have a bedtine routine? I cant believe that someone would agree that it is ok to take away your kids beds. The most important thing kids need is the right amount of sleep. It helps them to function better especially in school and home. So by taking there beds away, you are not helping them to get the right amount of sleep. I am sure that they are not comfortable on the floor. This is another reason wy they are probably acting out at home. And besides, it didnt work and change their behavior!!!! Therefore, let them have some comfort back. I bet if you were consisent with your punishment, your kids would not be this way!! They are running the house because you are a pushover and you yell way too much. Kids never respond to yelling!! I AGREE you need some major help, Supernanny
I am not a pushover with these kids. THey've never had structure when they were with their mom. She let them do what they want. And yes I have set meal times, and bedtimes. They eat at the same time every day and go to bed at the same time. THe problem is they wake up usually around 5:30am and they go to bed at 7:30. No matter how late they stay up, they still get up early. Like last night they didn't get to bed until almost 8, but yet they were up around 4 this morning. The kids get the right amount of sleep, most kids are happier sleeping on the floor once in a while anyways. They acted out before I took the beds, It's always been like this. Weather they have beds or not.
I am consistent with the punishment, but for some reason they think they are the boss, like they were when they lived with their mother. These kids were raised very poorly, and I'm just trying to turn it around. THey have to understand that I am the boss and not them.
We have baby gates at the top and bottom of the stairs, within a couple days they figured how to undo them so they could come down stairs, usually really early to steal food. They didn't get fed with their mom, and that's why they still do it. At their mom's they only got fed dry cereal, 3 times a day. They still and will always have that fear of not being fed, or think that anything food they see they need to eat. Yes, we did put a lock on the pantry... the thing is, is their dad's candy has been in the same spot since we moved in... he has some most every day... they never touched it until this last few days. They never even got into the pantry until yesterday... they never gonna stop
I am consistent with the punishment, but for some reason they think they are the boss, like they were when they lived with their mother. These kids were raised very poorly, and I'm just trying to turn it around. THey have to understand that I am the boss and not them.
We have baby gates at the top and bottom of the stairs, within a couple days they figured how to undo them so they could come down stairs, usually really early to steal food. They didn't get fed with their mom, and that's why they still do it. At their mom's they only got fed dry cereal, 3 times a day. They still and will always have that fear of not being fed, or think that anything food they see they need to eat. Yes, we did put a lock on the pantry... the thing is, is their dad's candy has been in the same spot since we moved in... he has some most every day... they never touched it until this last few days. They never even got into the pantry until yesterday... they never gonna stop
I know you've got your hands full, and I know it's got to be so discouraging. When I looked back at your last post, I wonder if you realize how many times you've said "They're never going to change. They're always going to be like this." I know you probably don't mean to, but it sounds like you've given up. You sound defeated, therefore the negative overtones. You don't know that they're never going to change. In fact, just you even saying that says you don't expect it. Instead of being so negative, try and tell yourself every day that you know these kids had a rough start in life, but they CAN and WILL change because everyone can change. You can't see the future. You seem to have lost hope. You need to try and rediscover that hope. With time and consistancy, these children will do better and better every day. You're going to have to be patient, though, and realize this will take time. It won't happen overnight. They didn't become this way overnight. It's just going to take some time.
Again, I have to stress to you the importance of having some YOU time as well as some COUPLE TIME if you have any hope of continueing on in this relationship with this man and his children. You MUST make that time for your own health and for the health of your relationship with your fiance. Otherwise, you can expect this to crumble after awhile because people can only take so much stress without a break. It's not selfish to have regular alone times. It's NECESARY. You say you can't afford it. You can become creative with ideas of things to do that won't cost a lot of money and learn to sock away little bits of money at a time. Have a goal. Set aside a little bit out of each paycheck and don't touch it. Please do this for your own sanity and health. Everyone needs regular breaks from their kids. Most children that are abused it's because the parent felt overwhelmed and had no help. I'm not saying you would do that at all. I'm just saying how much stress plays a factor in all that.
I think the fact that you stepped in and took over this many children (without pulling your hair out of your head!) without complaint says a lot about you. You are a strong, compassionate lady who really does want the best for these children. I can see that in your posts. You must not lose yourself in the process of helping these children, though. Take that time for yourself! You will have more patience when you are more rested and relaxed. Now, go have a bubble bath and lock the bathroom door! Just kidding. Save that for when the father's home. Make that time, though, ok? God bless.
Again, I have to stress to you the importance of having some YOU time as well as some COUPLE TIME if you have any hope of continueing on in this relationship with this man and his children. You MUST make that time for your own health and for the health of your relationship with your fiance. Otherwise, you can expect this to crumble after awhile because people can only take so much stress without a break. It's not selfish to have regular alone times. It's NECESARY. You say you can't afford it. You can become creative with ideas of things to do that won't cost a lot of money and learn to sock away little bits of money at a time. Have a goal. Set aside a little bit out of each paycheck and don't touch it. Please do this for your own sanity and health. Everyone needs regular breaks from their kids. Most children that are abused it's because the parent felt overwhelmed and had no help. I'm not saying you would do that at all. I'm just saying how much stress plays a factor in all that.
I think the fact that you stepped in and took over this many children (without pulling your hair out of your head!) without complaint says a lot about you. You are a strong, compassionate lady who really does want the best for these children. I can see that in your posts. You must not lose yourself in the process of helping these children, though. Take that time for yourself! You will have more patience when you are more rested and relaxed. Now, go have a bubble bath and lock the bathroom door! Just kidding. Save that for when the father's home. Make that time, though, ok? God bless.
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