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The "it's mine" phase...
In the last few weeks my soon to be 2 year old has started the "it's mine" phase. It's normal I know and I fully expected it. What I am wondering is, how others have handled it. I'll give you an example of how far this has gone. He has a living room full of toys. He can happily be playing with something, with me or his dad playing on the floor with him. As soon as one of us touches a different toy then the one he is using, he immediately drops what he is playing with, tries to grab the other toy out of our hands, saying "mine mine'. If you do not immediately give it to him, it's tantrum time.
Now, I know this is a part of normal development. I am unsure of what to do though. I currently remind him that is nice to share (very calm tone). But should I just mostly ignore it and not give in? What sorts of things do you say or do with your toddlers? He is a pretty sweet little boy most of the time, but manners and sharing are important qualities I want to make sure I'm teaching him (he is very good at please and thank you most of the time). So what do you think I should say?
Now, I know this is a part of normal development. I am unsure of what to do though. I currently remind him that is nice to share (very calm tone). But should I just mostly ignore it and not give in? What sorts of things do you say or do with your toddlers? He is a pretty sweet little boy most of the time, but manners and sharing are important qualities I want to make sure I'm teaching him (he is very good at please and thank you most of the time). So what do you think I should say?
It's just about gently reiterating and being consistent....every time Kahlan did this (Grey could care less) we would just hold the toy and her hands, look her in the eye (even if she wasn't looking back) and say "No ma'am. we don't act nasty like this. you need to share your toys, just like Mama and Daddy share their toys with you. now would you like to play with this one?" and she would inevitably say "yes" and we would say "ok then I am going to play with this one." and choose another one..if she went after that one, we would just say "No ma'am. you said you wanted that toy. now, when I'm finished with this toy you can have it." and just ignore the tantrum ..'play' with the toy for a few minutes...then give it to her once she was calm and tell her "I'm finished with this toy now, I'm happy to share it with you". she couldn't always hear what we were saying if she was screaming or tantruming, but eventually she became intrigued at how calm we were being about it all, and what we were doing with the toys, and she would quiet down to listen to the explanation.
every now and then we would offer trades so she could learn the concept of give and take..if she was playing with something we would say "Kahlan, I would like to play with that toy...would you like to play with *this* toy and let me play with that one?" and usually the answer was "no" at which point we would play with the other toy until she inevitably wanted to play with that, at which point we would do a toy trade and say "thank you for letting me play with this toy, I'm happy to let you play with that one. that is good sharing!"
eventually just repeating it over and over gets them the idea. it's exhausting, that's for sure. I couldn't wait until kahlan grew out of it, lol. she still occasionally does it with her brother, but we're mostly on the other side of it. phew!
every now and then we would offer trades so she could learn the concept of give and take..if she was playing with something we would say "Kahlan, I would like to play with that toy...would you like to play with *this* toy and let me play with that one?" and usually the answer was "no" at which point we would play with the other toy until she inevitably wanted to play with that, at which point we would do a toy trade and say "thank you for letting me play with this toy, I'm happy to let you play with that one. that is good sharing!"
eventually just repeating it over and over gets them the idea. it's exhausting, that's for sure. I couldn't wait until kahlan grew out of it, lol. she still occasionally does it with her brother, but we're mostly on the other side of it. phew!
Thank you Ivy!!! I am going to borrow that word track. This is exactly the sort of thing I was hoping for, and given Ryders personality, I think that if we are consistent with this, he'll get the right message. We too always try to take the calm approach...in fact I have learned that lowering my voice gets his attention and he listens far better then if I raise it out of frustration. So these suggestions work well with my personal approach to things. Appreciate it love!!
This is such a great conversation. :) Great advice.
Back in the day, we used to go to Arkansas, Hot Springs area, with the family every year. One of the venues during that vacation was to go to the Chrystal Mine, to search for crystals. Fabulous. When I had my third child, a toddler, the older ones would call it the Crystal Miiiiiiinnnnnnne, because that was how their younger brother said that word. So funny.
It's completely normal, Adgal. Keep doing what you're doing. And Ashelen's advice is good.
Back in the day, we used to go to Arkansas, Hot Springs area, with the family every year. One of the venues during that vacation was to go to the Chrystal Mine, to search for crystals. Fabulous. When I had my third child, a toddler, the older ones would call it the Crystal Miiiiiiinnnnnnne, because that was how their younger brother said that word. So funny.
It's completely normal, Adgal. Keep doing what you're doing. And Ashelen's advice is good.
Ivy has great advice, so I won't reiterate it :)
However, if he is pretty verbal, there is another phrase you can introduce. My little one had very strong language skills, so I was able to start this when she was about Ryder's age-
I have taught my kids to say "can I have it when you're done" instead of using the word share all the time. When parents say "share," it almost inevitably means having to give it up or having to play with it simultaneously. Having to play with it at the same time as another person almost always translates into having your plan for that toy or game changed. While I believe in teaching children to be flexible in play, as well as teaching them to share, I also firmly believe that children should be given the time and opportunity to play with toys by themselves in the way they would want to, if they choose to. I often see kids be forced to share a puzzle (but they want to try to do it on their own!) or to share a toy car. But if in your fantasy the car was driving to the store, and all of a sudden someone else is driving it to some other location, of course you're going to get frustrated. By teaching the kids to ask to play with it when the other is done, or to take turns instead of "share," they are assured that they will get an opportunity to play with it however they want, but they also learn to delay gratification. Interestingly, without that stressor of having to "share," they almost inevitably end up playing together and sharing it anyways.
My youngest is now 2 years and 4 months, and she knows to ask her older sister "can I have a turn when you are done." Her sister knows to answer "yes" (and why wouldn't she- it is logical that when she is done, she could pass it along). They now have gotten to the point where they excitedly come and tell me that they gave the toy to the other when they were done, and are very proud of themselves. They also play beautifully together, often "sharing" without needing me to guide them, because they know that if they need a turn alone, they can have it.
For Ryder, you and Dad can model this way of play and asking for a turn. It will take time, but will give him life skills that will follow him through life. Just be patient and continue to repeat and reinforce. The language and problem solving you introduce now and use consistently will stick.
However, if he is pretty verbal, there is another phrase you can introduce. My little one had very strong language skills, so I was able to start this when she was about Ryder's age-
I have taught my kids to say "can I have it when you're done" instead of using the word share all the time. When parents say "share," it almost inevitably means having to give it up or having to play with it simultaneously. Having to play with it at the same time as another person almost always translates into having your plan for that toy or game changed. While I believe in teaching children to be flexible in play, as well as teaching them to share, I also firmly believe that children should be given the time and opportunity to play with toys by themselves in the way they would want to, if they choose to. I often see kids be forced to share a puzzle (but they want to try to do it on their own!) or to share a toy car. But if in your fantasy the car was driving to the store, and all of a sudden someone else is driving it to some other location, of course you're going to get frustrated. By teaching the kids to ask to play with it when the other is done, or to take turns instead of "share," they are assured that they will get an opportunity to play with it however they want, but they also learn to delay gratification. Interestingly, without that stressor of having to "share," they almost inevitably end up playing together and sharing it anyways.
My youngest is now 2 years and 4 months, and she knows to ask her older sister "can I have a turn when you are done." Her sister knows to answer "yes" (and why wouldn't she- it is logical that when she is done, she could pass it along). They now have gotten to the point where they excitedly come and tell me that they gave the toy to the other when they were done, and are very proud of themselves. They also play beautifully together, often "sharing" without needing me to guide them, because they know that if they need a turn alone, they can have it.
For Ryder, you and Dad can model this way of play and asking for a turn. It will take time, but will give him life skills that will follow him through life. Just be patient and continue to repeat and reinforce. The language and problem solving you introduce now and use consistently will stick.
Thanks again. All great advice. He is very verbal and uses simple sentences, but not entirely certain if he is up to "can I have a turn when your done". However, if we use it he will certainly try and it'll come. I like that as well. I tried some of this last night. We were playing "band" with his Rockin Elmo. Elmo was on the drums, Ryder had his little toy guitar and I picked up the tamborine. He immediately tried to grab the tamborine saying "it's mine". I asked him which one he would like, the guitar or tamborine? You should have seen the look on his face...wheels were turning for sure..lol. He chose and I "played" with the other one. When he came for the one I had, I asked him if he would like to trade. Again, that serious look of concentration, then he did!! I was so excited! This happened several times until we changed games. Yes, there was a mini meltdown each time, but I just waited him out (his tantrums are typically short providing we don't react).
I also agree with the playing alone time. They support parallel play at his daycare and we do it at home when he has one of the neighborhood kids here (we are fortunate...4 kids within 3 months of each other on our street). It does seem to go more smoothly except that he doesn't want his friends to play with any of his toys. It seems to be smoother at Daycare, perhaps because there he understands they aren't his actual toys vs. at home they are.
Anyway, thanks so much for all the advice. As I said, he's a super sweet boy most of the time, so although I was expecting this phase it surprised me with how completely unwilling he is to let anyone touch his toys. I appreciate all the comments.
I also agree with the playing alone time. They support parallel play at his daycare and we do it at home when he has one of the neighborhood kids here (we are fortunate...4 kids within 3 months of each other on our street). It does seem to go more smoothly except that he doesn't want his friends to play with any of his toys. It seems to be smoother at Daycare, perhaps because there he understands they aren't his actual toys vs. at home they are.
Anyway, thanks so much for all the advice. As I said, he's a super sweet boy most of the time, so although I was expecting this phase it surprised me with how completely unwilling he is to let anyone touch his toys. I appreciate all the comments.
Yes, the trade technique worked great for my two boys as well. Our occupational therapist gave us some great advice------- to play with your child as if you are a peer. That means that giving in and doing as they like would be unrealistic as another 2 year old wouldn't do that. So, we started 'turns' really young and my son would have to give me, dad or his brother a turn with something---- he'd get something else in trade but he had to give others a turn. I also made him practice allowing me to direct our play at times rather than him. In a year or so, that will be more important. We also did turns at winning games so that my son didn't think he had to win all of the time.
Oh, and when we have a play date at our house----- I asked my boys if there was anything they didn't want anyone to play with--- anything special. Then we'd take that item and put it away during the playdate. This helped them understand that everything else was fair game.
Good luck---- it is funny to watch the different stages come and go!
Oh, and when we have a play date at our house----- I asked my boys if there was anything they didn't want anyone to play with--- anything special. Then we'd take that item and put it away during the playdate. This helped them understand that everything else was fair game.
Good luck---- it is funny to watch the different stages come and go!
I've always been a little leery of making kids share - we certainly don't hold adults to that kind of standard. What if your friends came over to hang out, and decided to ride your bike or drive your car or make something with the tools in your garage? It would be an outrage, unless you specifically planned to offer them those things.
Adults also can pick up something like a Rubik's cube to mess with, and work on it awhile and never share it, and even put it down having made some progress and it would be an outrage if a guest insisted then on the right to play with it.
Kids are in a little different position, because their friends come to PLAY, not just sit and chat like adults often do, but when you put you and your possessions in the same place we expect the kids to, it does seem like an invasion.
Adults also can pick up something like a Rubik's cube to mess with, and work on it awhile and never share it, and even put it down having made some progress and it would be an outrage if a guest insisted then on the right to play with it.
Kids are in a little different position, because their friends come to PLAY, not just sit and chat like adults often do, but when you put you and your possessions in the same place we expect the kids to, it does seem like an invasion.
See I disagree RockRose for the simple reason that if my friends came over and ASKED to ride my bike...sure, why not?
I also think it's important for kids NOT to find possessions too important. We do take a few of my daughter's favorite toys and set them aside when someone comes over, so she knows that she has some things that are "safe" and she doesn't get insecure, but she knows that toys are just toys....and it hurts nobody if other kids are playing with them, as long as they're respecting the items.
Besides, what happens when their relationships mature and they start getting into more intimate relationships? I "share" my computer with my husband, and the tv, and the couch, and the bed, and sometimes socks (grrr pet peeve only because he stretches them with his big honking feet, LOL) and snacks, and and and.....
it's just a life lesson that may not be fun, but when items become so important that letting someone else use them induces anxiety...I see that as a problem.
Just my two cents on it though, I understand why you feel that way. I was raised an only child, so sharing was not my best area...but see, it also caused me problems later in life because I had never really learned the concept. I had a rough adjustment period in college and in relationships when I had no innate concept of sharing. That's why it's so vital, for me, for my kids to learn to harmoniously live with their siblings, and that means that they don't put so much emphasis on "things" that they ignore the fact that what's really occurring is an interaction between people. Sure they don't get that concept, but it's just a primer for later in life when they WILL get the concept.
I also think it's important for kids NOT to find possessions too important. We do take a few of my daughter's favorite toys and set them aside when someone comes over, so she knows that she has some things that are "safe" and she doesn't get insecure, but she knows that toys are just toys....and it hurts nobody if other kids are playing with them, as long as they're respecting the items.
Besides, what happens when their relationships mature and they start getting into more intimate relationships? I "share" my computer with my husband, and the tv, and the couch, and the bed, and sometimes socks (grrr pet peeve only because he stretches them with his big honking feet, LOL) and snacks, and and and.....
it's just a life lesson that may not be fun, but when items become so important that letting someone else use them induces anxiety...I see that as a problem.
Just my two cents on it though, I understand why you feel that way. I was raised an only child, so sharing was not my best area...but see, it also caused me problems later in life because I had never really learned the concept. I had a rough adjustment period in college and in relationships when I had no innate concept of sharing. That's why it's so vital, for me, for my kids to learn to harmoniously live with their siblings, and that means that they don't put so much emphasis on "things" that they ignore the fact that what's really occurring is an interaction between people. Sure they don't get that concept, but it's just a primer for later in life when they WILL get the concept.
I've been rethinking it and maybe I just have a different relationship with the people in my life?
If someone is invited into my house, I feel that I am happy to offer them the use of anything they need. I've had friends lie in my bed before when they were feeling ill, and we frequently share video games or movies with friends who borrow them and bring them back or we exchange for one of theirs..I'm ALWAYS sending my friends home with food (most aren't married and need some good old-fashioned cooking) and I'm a member of a Facebook momma's swap group where we send clothing back and forth among the group for kids...that's just a broader form of sharing.
I know that when I was little, if someone came over and asked to use my bike, or my bathroom even...I was irritated. I didn't want them using MY stuff, because like I said..I had no concept of sharing.
As I got older, I began to grow out of that, and learn differently, and now...sure, use whatever you want! It's just a thing..a toilet, a bike, a tv, after all...I get pleasure from the act of meeting the needs or desires of my friends by letting them use my whatever it is they need or want.
does that make sense? it may just be something that our family has adopted and perhaps it's not common, I don't know...I know that we are very close to our friends and there's not much I wouldn't give them...to share, or to keep. I want my kids to have this sort of attitude too....because if my daughter's best friend when they're 20 needs a shirt to wear home because she tore hers or stained it, I want my daughter to feel comfortable giving her one to wear, instead of feeling anxious or irritated because it was an unexpected sharing.
If someone is invited into my house, I feel that I am happy to offer them the use of anything they need. I've had friends lie in my bed before when they were feeling ill, and we frequently share video games or movies with friends who borrow them and bring them back or we exchange for one of theirs..I'm ALWAYS sending my friends home with food (most aren't married and need some good old-fashioned cooking) and I'm a member of a Facebook momma's swap group where we send clothing back and forth among the group for kids...that's just a broader form of sharing.
I know that when I was little, if someone came over and asked to use my bike, or my bathroom even...I was irritated. I didn't want them using MY stuff, because like I said..I had no concept of sharing.
As I got older, I began to grow out of that, and learn differently, and now...sure, use whatever you want! It's just a thing..a toilet, a bike, a tv, after all...I get pleasure from the act of meeting the needs or desires of my friends by letting them use my whatever it is they need or want.
does that make sense? it may just be something that our family has adopted and perhaps it's not common, I don't know...I know that we are very close to our friends and there's not much I wouldn't give them...to share, or to keep. I want my kids to have this sort of attitude too....because if my daughter's best friend when they're 20 needs a shirt to wear home because she tore hers or stained it, I want my daughter to feel comfortable giving her one to wear, instead of feeling anxious or irritated because it was an unexpected sharing.
I think if you invite friends over that you care a lot about, then sharing comes very naturally and kids should also be taught to be generous in that way.
But so often, kids are subjected to other kids who aren't their friends, and in fact they don't even like them. Other moms will get together for a Mary Kay Party or jewelry party or something like that, and might bring their small children to hang out at the house if you have kids, and the kids are so often expected to share everything they have, even things they're currently playing with. So often a kid will be attracted to just the things another child is engaged with, and the parents will make the child give the other child a "turn".
It's tricky, this concept of property and sharing. ;D I remember watching with surprise when a child who was at our home for a playdate walked into the kitchen and began going through the cabinets and fixed himself a snack. I was just surprised to see that behavior - although had he said he was hungry, I would have opened up the cabinet and asked what looks good to him.
So it occurs to me that I expected my children to be find with other children opening up their toychests and rummaging through to find what they want, but I thought it was bold of that child to think he could do that with my stuff. Stuff I was in fact very willing to share, but not really willing for him to rummage through and help himself.
But so often, kids are subjected to other kids who aren't their friends, and in fact they don't even like them. Other moms will get together for a Mary Kay Party or jewelry party or something like that, and might bring their small children to hang out at the house if you have kids, and the kids are so often expected to share everything they have, even things they're currently playing with. So often a kid will be attracted to just the things another child is engaged with, and the parents will make the child give the other child a "turn".
It's tricky, this concept of property and sharing. ;D I remember watching with surprise when a child who was at our home for a playdate walked into the kitchen and began going through the cabinets and fixed himself a snack. I was just surprised to see that behavior - although had he said he was hungry, I would have opened up the cabinet and asked what looks good to him.
So it occurs to me that I expected my children to be find with other children opening up their toychests and rummaging through to find what they want, but I thought it was bold of that child to think he could do that with my stuff. Stuff I was in fact very willing to share, but not really willing for him to rummage through and help himself.
So Ashelen I'm still ruminating on this. Children come over, they go to the child's bedroom or playroom and have complete free reign - they can pull down games and open them, they can get on little riding toys and scoot around on them, they can climb on to the top bunkbed and play. All without asking, or even announcing they're going to do that. These are all totally acceptable things for a playdate child to do. They can even put on the child's old halloween costumes or hats.
I understand exactly what you are saying when you say you value sharing, I do too - but I would be shocked if an adult friend just started going through my stuff or without saying anything, got on my bike or bed. Or put on my clothes. Although anything they asked for - "hey, can I borrow this" - is all fine, I would feel so invaded with someone just walking around my home poking their heads in all my cabinets and using my stuff.
But that was the standard that I held my kids to when they were little.
I understand exactly what you are saying when you say you value sharing, I do too - but I would be shocked if an adult friend just started going through my stuff or without saying anything, got on my bike or bed. Or put on my clothes. Although anything they asked for - "hey, can I borrow this" - is all fine, I would feel so invaded with someone just walking around my home poking their heads in all my cabinets and using my stuff.
But that was the standard that I held my kids to when they were little.
I think all of you have valid points, and that much depends on the situation at the time. What I am really trying to curb is the "that's mine" phrase I guess. I think it should be ok for myself or one of his friends to play with a toy he isn't using (although I agree with the special toys, and that's a good point). What he has been doing is going after something the second someone picks it up, even if he has been playing with something else. Sharing his things is a quality I wish to encourage, but that doesn't mean it has to be everything, or all the time.
I really do appreciate all of your input here. Thanks again!
I really do appreciate all of your input here. Thanks again!
Ya know, we work on social skills with a professional---------- and sharing is part of the program. Not everything---- you put away something that would be too much to share emotionally. But this is few things. When we have kids over---- they do get to touch and play with our toys. I have never had a play date with young kids that did not entail the visitor to ooh and ahh over the toys of another.
I've learned a lot about children in the past few years. Things I'd read but now see in action. And learning to be a good play mate was important to my kids--- they wanted friends. Being agreeable and flexible makes them better play mates. Being able to say 'sure' when a friend wants to see and take a turn with their toys makes them more desirable friends to have. As social skills didn't come naturally to one of my kids----- it was important for me to learn what would make other kids like him and want to play with him. Being a good sport, seeing being with a friend as more important than 'the game they played', and being giving and sharing with friends have all been really helpful in our quest for true friends. And honestly, most kids we visit in their homes are encouraged to share as well--- in fact, you really notice the ones that don't and it is kind of like "why did you invite me over?"
Amanda--- with my boys close in age---- the grabbing something someone else picks up happened a lot---- that is when we used the language of "it is his turn or can you trade him for something else?" I played this way with my sons also---- making them give me a turn. I'd interrupt the game they played with my own ideas as well because my son needed to learn that his friends would have their own ideas and he'd have to adjust his play plans to play with others. This was really important around 4 and 5 and honestly, even today. He has ideas that HE wants his friends to do and friends want to insert their ideas as well. It helps to practice this concept.
Anyway, I know you'll handle it all great!!
I've learned a lot about children in the past few years. Things I'd read but now see in action. And learning to be a good play mate was important to my kids--- they wanted friends. Being agreeable and flexible makes them better play mates. Being able to say 'sure' when a friend wants to see and take a turn with their toys makes them more desirable friends to have. As social skills didn't come naturally to one of my kids----- it was important for me to learn what would make other kids like him and want to play with him. Being a good sport, seeing being with a friend as more important than 'the game they played', and being giving and sharing with friends have all been really helpful in our quest for true friends. And honestly, most kids we visit in their homes are encouraged to share as well--- in fact, you really notice the ones that don't and it is kind of like "why did you invite me over?"
Amanda--- with my boys close in age---- the grabbing something someone else picks up happened a lot---- that is when we used the language of "it is his turn or can you trade him for something else?" I played this way with my sons also---- making them give me a turn. I'd interrupt the game they played with my own ideas as well because my son needed to learn that his friends would have their own ideas and he'd have to adjust his play plans to play with others. This was really important around 4 and 5 and honestly, even today. He has ideas that HE wants his friends to do and friends want to insert their ideas as well. It helps to practice this concept.
Anyway, I know you'll handle it all great!!
Very interesting discussion :) Thoughtful contributions from everyone.
I have also given the topic a lot of thought. It actually caused a conflict between my neighbor and myself this past year. Her son was/is a poor "sharer" and would get very upset when my kids went over. He would make a beeline for his precious toys, and conflicts over them inevitably ended with him clobbering one of my kids. While this is normal for a 2 year old, I think part of the problem was that his mom made him share everything as soon as one of my kids expressed interest. I'd be very defensive too. I honestly feel there were many times where he should have been allowed to have a full turn first. This eventually translated into problems when he visited my yard. His mother didn't put many boundaries on his behavior, and I did not like the way he used our toys (aggressively, violently, inappropriately). Since I was not comfortable disciplining someone else's child, especially when mom was there, I instead put firm boundaries on how our toys were allowed to be used. She didn't appreciate that... But the child had no respect for other people's property because everything was communal or shared. If people don't respect your turn or your property, you cannot be expected to do the same.
I don't want to come across as not believing in teaching children to share. I see what you are all saying, and do agree to a certain extent. I guess my perspective varies in that my concern and emphasis boils down to respecting one's property and right and teaching that value. Most of what I focus on all comes down to instilling the value of respect since it translates to every area of child behavior- discipline, education, problem solving etc. With time, when teaching this aspect of respect, empathy follows, as does a desire to share and interact. I guess put simply, I am not teaching them to tolerate being interrupted and sharing, but rather trying to instill the desire to have these prosocial behaviors. It cannot be taught only in regards to sharing though- it has to be included in every aspect of the child's life. I can vouch for this approach for typically developing children, as it transforms even the most challenging classrooms. But it does take time. And of course, it cannot apply to all children. Children with special needs, and even typically developing children who are less mature or more strong willed, will need extra encouragement, more concrete rules, and even different approaches.
Specialmom- I am still thinking about your comments regarding teaching children to compromise their play to accommodate their peers. I agree this is very important, and I am thinking of how to articulate my thoughts on the best way to do that. I think your advice is spot on, and a good thing to do once the child is involved in cooperative play. To help teach this, we entice children who are reluctant to share and play to join in by actually getting involved in the game and guiding this sharing through modelling.
I have also given the topic a lot of thought. It actually caused a conflict between my neighbor and myself this past year. Her son was/is a poor "sharer" and would get very upset when my kids went over. He would make a beeline for his precious toys, and conflicts over them inevitably ended with him clobbering one of my kids. While this is normal for a 2 year old, I think part of the problem was that his mom made him share everything as soon as one of my kids expressed interest. I'd be very defensive too. I honestly feel there were many times where he should have been allowed to have a full turn first. This eventually translated into problems when he visited my yard. His mother didn't put many boundaries on his behavior, and I did not like the way he used our toys (aggressively, violently, inappropriately). Since I was not comfortable disciplining someone else's child, especially when mom was there, I instead put firm boundaries on how our toys were allowed to be used. She didn't appreciate that... But the child had no respect for other people's property because everything was communal or shared. If people don't respect your turn or your property, you cannot be expected to do the same.
I don't want to come across as not believing in teaching children to share. I see what you are all saying, and do agree to a certain extent. I guess my perspective varies in that my concern and emphasis boils down to respecting one's property and right and teaching that value. Most of what I focus on all comes down to instilling the value of respect since it translates to every area of child behavior- discipline, education, problem solving etc. With time, when teaching this aspect of respect, empathy follows, as does a desire to share and interact. I guess put simply, I am not teaching them to tolerate being interrupted and sharing, but rather trying to instill the desire to have these prosocial behaviors. It cannot be taught only in regards to sharing though- it has to be included in every aspect of the child's life. I can vouch for this approach for typically developing children, as it transforms even the most challenging classrooms. But it does take time. And of course, it cannot apply to all children. Children with special needs, and even typically developing children who are less mature or more strong willed, will need extra encouragement, more concrete rules, and even different approaches.
Specialmom- I am still thinking about your comments regarding teaching children to compromise their play to accommodate their peers. I agree this is very important, and I am thinking of how to articulate my thoughts on the best way to do that. I think your advice is spot on, and a good thing to do once the child is involved in cooperative play. To help teach this, we entice children who are reluctant to share and play to join in by actually getting involved in the game and guiding this sharing through modelling.
(please forgive my rambling... I hope I articulated myself clearly... I blame the brain tumors)
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