my daughter is looking more and more like a boy

[mom66]

My daughter is so beautiful, she used to wear dresses, makeup, and she used to wear her hair long. For the past few years I have watched her go to refusing to wear dresses or even girls' shirts, she stopped wearing makeup, and has chopped her hair so short that she does look very boyish. We went out for ice cream last night and I ran into my parents' next door neighboors and they asked how old my son was. My daughter has also told me when she was working her part time job a few boys (they were young, maybe around 7 or 8) said "thank you mister". She has also been to the mall with some friends and a friend of her friend has come up and said "who is your guy friend". She thinks it cute but it bothers me so much. I have watched this progression for two years, I don't understand it and if I talk to her about it that it bothers me and she just brushes it off. She has told me she is gay, which I had a slight difficult time with when she first "came out" two years ago and I have accepted that, and it doesnt' bother me but its difficult to see my beautiful girl wanting to look like a guy. She even wants to wear men's cologne.
Why the change in her? Other than this she is a great girl, she's considerate and she's smart and funny, and making plans for college in June. Is this a phase? I also don't want her to go through what my best friend did in high school (who is also gay) that had prejudicial comments made to her and it got so bad that she tried a suicide attempt. She also dressed very boyish in high school and never wore makeup or girls clothes and has super short hair. Should I just sit back and watch? Should I not let those comments bother me? Its very difficult to not let it bother me because I love her so much and wonder why the change in appearance that she wants to look like a boy.

[BGoogle]

There are mayny thing that could be going on, and all of the other posts do my valid points. But i did notice somethings missing. One, this could just be your daughters new style. My sister is 100% a girl through and through, but she prefers a more ladeback male style. She hates dresses, makeup, or anything girly.Its just her thing. It is also posible that your daughter may actually be your son. It is possible that she is just starting to realizes that she identifies more with the opposite sex. If she is transexual, then 'he' may have a hard time telling you as you clearly want them to express a more famine style. Or, maybe you daughter is neither or both a boy and/or girl. She could be a them and identfy with both or neither gender. Just talk to your daughter, make sure that they know you will love them no matter what. If she does identify as anything other than a girl, once they feel safe enough to talk about it they will.

[emb1209]

Could any of you please tell me how things hvave turned out. Having a very similar situation with my daughter and am at a loss.  I could really use some advise.

[April2]

Wow, it's interesting to see how simular our daughters were. I hope you all find out the truth and that she will feel free enough to confide in you or someone else in case something did happen.

My husband and I had a hard time going through all this too, to be honest. We're a Christian family and a lot of this really went against our beliefs. However, we didn't preach, lecture or thump her over the head with a Bible. We prayed a lot! We just wanted our daughter back. We missed how she used to be and were concerned when this sullen, rebellious, depressed child came out. We were very concerned about her. She was even suicidal for awhile. God has been good, though. He has kept her safe, kept her from hurting herself, and for that I'm so grateful. We had a very difficult, dark year this last year with her, but we are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. She's choosing better friends and that has a lot to do with it. Before she was choosing troubled kids who were also cutters. She's always been such a follower and very insecure. She was bullied and picked on a lot in middle school. The peer pressure is awful! We've since moved her to a new school and she seems much happier. We are cautiously hopeful that the worse is over after the all we've been through this last year.
I know how hard it is to watch your child sometimes. You just want the best for them. You want them to be happy, successful, etc. If you believe in the power of prayer, I'd say just pray for her and get lot's of others to pray. I've seen the power of prayer in my own life. I'll pray for your daughter too. God bless.

[mom66]

thanks for your post...I had talked to my daughter several years ago about the molesting issue  because she did go through a depression phase and she did cut, and she's been on medication and has seen a counselor and she is much better with the depression. That thought had crossed my mind several years ago about the molestation but she insisted no one did that to her. If it did happen (I sure hope not) I have a feeling she'd keep that bottled inside. When she was 4 she told me her dad took a shower with her..when I asked him he said he wore his bathing suit and he got very defensive. The way the child support system goes its a "he said she said" situation when it was brought up in family court and he denied it but of course I believe her. My daughter has never said he molested her but that is something that will always be an incident in the back of my mind.  I know he (we are not together but he has visitation) is so against her being gay and has made such awful comments to me and her about it. She still sees him on alternate weekends but they don't talk about that subject at all and I refuse to talk to him because we had a huge blowout about it a few years ago when she came out and he said awful things about her to me regarding her being gay. I was so angry at him. Yeah, my daughter went through phases of girly, tomboy, goth, emo and now almost butchy. She doesn't conform to the norm, but maybe when she goes to college she will find herself. I did have a talk with her about people mistaking her for a boy recently and she told me she doesn't intentionally go out of her way to make herself look that way. I don't know...I guess I just have to sit back and wait to see what happens. It bothers me but I am all talked out to her about it and don't want to keep pressing the issue, but I still don't understand. She also did date boys when she was in 8th and 9th grade, then came out in her sophmore year. Thanks for your postings.

[April2]

Hey mom66, I was going to send you a private message but your profile isn't updated for that. I just wanted to tell you that my daughter went through the same exact thing. She was confused about her sexuality for awhile there and thought she might be bisexual. We found out she had been molested when she was younger by a couple of neighborhood boys. Our counselor thought she might feel safer around girls. We've had her in counseling for a year and she's a lot better. She changed back to looking like a girl and seems so much happier. She's got a boyfriend who's a really nice boy. This is the happiest I've seen her. When she was acting the other way, she was sullen, rebellious and never smiled. I'm finally seeing her smile and giggle again. We've gone through a lot this last year. She was depressed, cutting, etc. We did a lot of praying, let me tell you!

I'd talk with your daughter and make sure she hasn't been molested. It's hard to tell if she will go back to looking like a girl again or not. My daughter went through about four diffeent looks this last year, including the "Emo" look. Drove me crazy! She finally decided the boyish look wasn't for her because as she put it guys wern't looking at her anymore and she didn't like that! She liked the attention of having guys look at her. She finally seems to have settled down and seems so much happier. Your daughter is just trying to figure out who she is. That's pretty normal for this age. I hope everything works out for you guys. Best wishes.

[RockRose]

It seems like this could be two things:

1.  she really is gay,  and is embracing masculinity.  Lesbians are much more accepted than when I was in high school and she may just be wanting to express her lifestyle.  At our high school,  lesbians are extremely open about it and there is an acceptance that didn't used to be the case.

2.  She has suffered some kind of sexual assault and is trying to keep that from happening again.  Sometimes girls who are assaulted suddenly do a lot of covering up and trying to look unattractive in a desperate attempt to be safe.


Honestly,  to me,  it sounds like the first reason to me.

Best wishes - it sounds like you are very supportive and at that age,  they kind of have to find their own way.