5yr old girls severe emotional/social struggles

[Otterbot]

My wife and I have a 5yr old girl(our first born) who is having some real emotional/social struggles. She is very independent, stubborn, and likes to be in control (the boss). She is in pre-k at a academically focused daycare facility. There are several issues we have with the facility being poorly run and class rooms managed poorly by first time teachers.
   Today our daughter and friends were playing something and kids were pushing. My daughter said to a friend "i will cut you with a knife" if you push me again (while playing pretend kitchen). Nothing like this has ever come out of her mouth before, not even a threat to hit. (Even her little brother)
   I was obviously angry but knew I had to keep cool. The director of he facility caught me when I entered and told me what happened and that she said my daughter had to tell me what she said. I picked our kids up, went home with out saying much. I took her up stairs, sat on her bed with her and calmly asked what happened. She burst into tears saying she said "the baddest hing ever to a friend". I explained that saying mean things to friends is horrible, but threats to hurt them is much worse and makes people not want to be your friend any more. She really seems to understand the severity. I told her she had to stay in her room all evening and write a sorry note to her friend. Me not raising my voice even a little bit and shedding a few tears really got to her (tearing up trying to type this). My wife and I are upset beyond words.
   The girl this happened to we have started to become decent friends with her family. My wife saw them tonight at a kindergarden meeting for incoming students. After my wife approached them and told them what happened(they were not notified either). They said they have been having concerns in the class with several other students behavior (teasing and such which our daughter is trying to deal with also) as well as our daughter being "bossy and moody not really her friend". my wife broke down when thier daughter said that. The girls parents called the school to try and separate their daughter. We are crushed....thankfully they are really good people and were willing to talk.
   I feel like the biggest failure. She is such a smart talented girl, this is the one area that we are afraid will cause her serious issues her whole life. Developmentally she seems to be ahead of the curve and really seems to do better when with older children in smaller groups and when challenged. Our heads are swimming.........and advice would be much appreciated!

[Sandman2]

   So apparently your daughter was being pushed and she responded verbally?  My question was - how did the teacher know about this?  If the teacher was close enough to hear this - then the pushing should not have happened.  So I am guessing that one of the children reported this.  Probably not your daughter ?  which would leave the other girl - who didn't even bother to tell her parents?
   An yeah, as an elementary school principal it was always nice if a child told her parents what was going on.  But if it was something important, there was no way I would let the child be the sole messenger.  A 5 year old is not the best one to remember and tell.  I also believe that for behavior modification -  immediate action is best.  Frankly, in my opinion (and realize that I only had 450 kids at my school, so I could be wrong) the school should have handled this all by themselves.  So either something else is going on here with your daughter or, as you suggested, there are some inexperienced teachers working here.
     I really think the main issue here was in your first and last paragraph and you kind of over reacted because you thought your worst fears were coming true.  You need to realize that it is not unusual for smart kids who are independent, stubborn to want to be in control.
    I will bet you money that in a good kindergarten with an experienced teacher that after a brief time of trying her way, she will quickly join the crowd.  And by the way, I would spend some time making sure she winds up with a teacher who is experienced!
   What can you do?  First there are a set of books aimed at the 4 to 7 year old crowd which are meant to be read aloud to them (perhaps many times) and then practiced.  The books give you a common vocabulary and more importantly common experiences and solutions.
  Try "Words are not for Hurting"  ---  http://www.amazon.com/Words-Hurting-Ages-Behavior-Series/dp/1575421569/ref=pd_sim_b_1
     "Be Polite and Kind" --  http://www.amazon.com/Polite-Kind-Learning-Get-Along/dp/1575421518/ref=pd_sim_b_6?ie=UTF8&refRID=14WA18H5J8JFC8ZCGPVV
     "Talk and Work it Out ----  http://www.amazon.com/Talk-Work-Out-Learning-Along/dp/1575421763/ref=pd_sim_b_6?ie=UTF8&refRID=10BB0GV0V9CYHXYYWYHM
       And there are several other books that you also may like listed on the bottom of these sites.
     And for yourselves - I would suggest getting "Love and Logic'" by Fay and Cline.  I think you will find it helpful.  And I do think that you basically reacted appropriately.  Keeping calm, etc.
     By the way, I have/had a very smart talented little girl who really was quite the challenge growing up.  Smart kids do that.  If both my wife and I had not been teachers/coaches it really might have been an interesting contest.  We would discipline and she would just as quickly adapt.  Fortunately, we were able to stay ahead of her (barely).  She is now a wonderful,  highly successful young lady - and I can't wait till she has children of her own!
    Hope this helps.  Please post if you have any more questions or concerns.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I have a son that I had social concerns for as a preschooler.  One thing that really helped was having one on one play dates  with another child and my son.  I would supervise and oversee it and at times play with them to help guide my son if I saw areas he could work on.  The play dates helped him build his social skills and also helped him build relationships and connections with other kids. We had at least one a week as I made it a priority.  

Something you could do for your daughter is to start doing this.  Maybe have this girl over for a play date and begin making it a regular thing.  Also look for other friends to begin to have over.

I would make this much more your priority over academics of a 5 year old.  The truth of the matter is that a bright child will typically do well in school no matter how serious academically their young years were.  

good luck

[RockRose]

I think you are really blowing this way out of proportion,  Otterbot.  She's a bossy little girl,  and it's going to get worse before it gets better.

She will vie in school to be on top of the class,  and will probably turn out to be a leader who some other children have trouble dealing with.  But her drive will help her succeed.

I will say,  your wife's reaction of being hurt that the other little girl will now be discouraged from playing with your daughter is a typical reaction,  in my opinion - but I'm surprised by your reaction to the original situation.  Dads usually don't spend a moment of time worrying about stuff like that in my experience,  and would usually handle that with a statement like "I don't ever want to be called by your teacher again that you've threatened anyone.  Get it?"

Best wishes.  When she's an adult,  I think you'll wonder why you spent so much time and emotional energy on this -

[RockRose]

One final thought - your title concerns me.  I wouldn't call her "severely emotionally struggling" - and I doubt her teacher would describe her that way or anyone else who understands children.

Bossy,  is what I'd call her and she's certainly not the only bossy little girl anyone has known.  :)

[specialmom]

I kind of disagree Rockrose.  To me, it sounds like a girl lacking social skills and I'd help her with that.  I don't turn preschool issues making friends into a positive for a child down the road.  While being independent can be seen as a positive, inflexibility with peers will always cause you problems.  People do not follow behind someone because they are bossy.  Leadership is about how you make others feel.  

I hope this little girl is guided into better social behavior.  

[RockRose]

I agree with you in in general,  SM,  but in my experience with bossy little girls there's nothing you can do to change them.  In my experience (and for some reason I do seem to have a lot of experience with bossy girls),  they do tend to be leaders.  They are the kind that's always creating some kind of game to play,  some kind of activity to join,  reaching out and inviting other kids do fun stuff that they are in charge of.  They're kind of always the organizer,  and kids do tend to gravitate toward that although some kids are greatly put off by it.  And mothers of other girls are put off by it because they are dismayed that their daughters are being told what to do when they want their own daughters to assume more leadership positions and independence.

Certainly she can't go around saying she'll cut someone with a knife,  though.  And reading through the post,  it sounds like she doesn't plan on saying that again.

I actually like bossy girls.  They get stuff done and usually are real rule-followers so a few of them in the classroom can help keep order.

[specialmom]

I've kind of had difference experience.  I think being inflexible (or bossy) is a social skill mistake and something that can be corrected.  Leaders are not bossy.  In my experience, bossy girls alienate others and end up with few friends.  I've seen it many times actually and I would correct it as a parent.

Leadership is not about having things your own way and demanding it.  

I would strongly discourage this if it were my daughter as I believe it will strongly impeded her ability to have friends.  

[specialmom]

difference is different and it isn't kind of . .  . I HAVE had different experience.