4year old child around abuse/mental mother

[laura05]

hi my boyfriend has a daughter from a pervious realtionship, she is 4 years old now. First i will tell you that her mother was pergnant again and lost the baby due to "dna problems", well at least that what she told us. When her mother was pregnant she was telling us that her boyfreind pushed her down the stairs, of course my boyfriend ask her mother, she said no. Since then his daughter has been saying her mothers boyfriend, broke a chair, punched a hole in her bedroom wall and has been hitting her mother. We find out that her being pushed down the stairs was true and now we are worried that he is being pyshcialy abusive in front of her. On top of that when her mother lost the baby, she gave birth to him, gave him a name then took pictures with the dead baby, and has is ashes in a case she keep on her. She makes her daughter call the case "trevor" that is what she name the baby. Her mother lost of  her friends because she has told all of them off, she calls them and ask for pictures of her daughter back becuase they ar not good enough to look at her. What do we do with all of this?

[jd1419]

I would say if you can get proof of the weird things she is doing and proof that the boyfriend is being abusive to the mom, there is always a hint taht he may try something toward the little girl.  Go to the friend of the court or to a lawyer and see what you can do to either get permanent custody or temporary custody until the mother can get her act together and get rid of the loser she calls a boyfriend.  But the only thing I can say is it is not good for the little girl to see this behavior she may end up thinking this is how a guy is supposed to act towards a girl or she may later in life become an abusiver--it is a vicious cycle they say,.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I am going to take a differant approach.  Rather than an adversarial approach, your bf should befriend the mother of his child and help her.  If she knows that he is supportive and nonjudgemental, she may reach out for help if needed.  You really do not have a role here, you are a girlfriend, not the step mother.  So you should back off.  Your bf has to be the one to handle this situation.

It is very hard to change custody once it has been established.  And a lengthy court battle only brings out the worse in everyone.  I sense that you judge this woman very harshly.  You cannot begin to understand her grief as you have not been in her shoes.  While her behaviour seems a little odd, it is certainly within the spectrum of normal for a late miscarriage.  I am sure your bf doesnt have very nice things to say about this woman, and that is a shame as they are forever joined due to the fact that they have a child.  He obviously cared about her once upon a time and it takes two to break down a relationship, just as it takes two to make one work.

Focus on the child and making her life as positive as possible.  If you have proof that she is in true danger, than your bf should go to the authorities.  

By the way, 4 year olds have big imaginations and their view of things is sometimes inaccurate.  She may sense that you expect her to speak negatively of her other family.  If she sense this, she will deliver.

[laura05]

thank you for your comments. we did think his daughter was making it up but her best freind of 10 years (who she doe not talk to anymore) came to us and  told us this was happening. My bf is trying to talk to her mother and is trying to get her some help, but she is a mess. and she flips out and doesn let him see his daughter.