If I cry over you now, It has to be for a REASON I decided was worth crying over....You are NO LONGER permitted to DEGRADE ME, DISRESPECT ME, OR TALK DOWN TO ME- NOR SHAKE A FIST IN ANGER at me. I've had enough, I've spent far to many years, trying to figure out "What the hell was wrong with me."
One day I was talking to you about problems with my own daughter, you looked at me so angry and pissed and said this to me and, I quote you word for word., "Anna,what makes you think you can control her any better than I controlled you?" Dad, that stumped me and left me pretty damned speechless. It hurt me to see such raw anger in your blood shot eyes.And for the first time in YEARS I saw some REAL EMOTION from you. I sat in silence and wondered to myself....Just how the hell does he think you MUST CONTROL another person?
You can NOT control me anymore. It stops here. When you said that to me, about my very own daughter. I thought about that for 3 days and truly couldn't see, how I was supposed to have CONTROL over one my own that way, teaching her to fear me instead of "showing her a better way". And that is when it dawned on me Dad, that you still had control over me. I still bawl and hurt and carry this anger.I have no respect for you, or the way that you think. I CAN NOT NOR I WILL EVER, teach my kids that kind of love.You have nearly ruined a once blind love,with all the malice and anger-the spent tears from me crying over you hasleft me empty and an emotional disaster!
I can still hear your voice, I SEE that look in your eyes. I remember your hands, all balled and fisted. Isn't that lame? I can't even recall what it's like to be hugged by you. I surely can't remember being soothed after a whipping! But you know what I remember MOST OF ALL? Those hateful -cold, hurtful words.
I will always hear them Dad, as if it were yesterday.The bruises healed up and they are gone away. A few scares remain-not that you know that, it's an emotional pain. They are wound tightly around an innocent child's heart, permanently rooted...in my 35 year old heart, From so long ago. It is still hurting and pounding, I'm not sure it will ever stop...
I hope you take this with you Daddy, Now and forever like I did AND STILL DO, EVERY ONE OF those mean nasty words. Try to remember how you never heard me scream back! And PLEASE.....STOP ASSUMING I'M ASHAMED OF ME and MYSELF! You were the very one who taught me,to never, no matter how much I hurt. SAY ANYTHING YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK! sorry doesn't fix it-not that you've ever tried (at least I don't recall seeing you cry- like me). I'm not GUILTY, I NEVER WAS.
Never once did I turn your malice around on you. I stood before you-too little and afraid. When I got older I did that the very same way. Well maybe by then, there was 1 slight difference...I KNEW I NEVER WANTED TO YOU HURT YOU THAT WAY. So instead I hung my head and took it all in. Up until 6 months ago, I even blamed myself dad. Strange don't you think....I'd never think it was okay, to talk to my kids and hurt them that way. But it was always okay for you to do this, it was the only way I knew.The way for me.I learned it all from being controlled by the best. How to hang my head down, accepting this mess. I will no longer be controlled,feeling guilty as hell! It's a little funny that when I was child, how could I ever have made you this angry.........NEVER not once did I back hand you,or speak out of anger and leave my mark on you.
I won't do this anymore, allowing you such control. It has to stop, there's not very many reasons to continue this fight! I have an urge controlling me, telling me to to walk away from this mess! To continue on with my life, for once being IN CONTROL of the way you impact me and affect my life.
Dad it's important to me that you know where I stand now.I still love you and need you, because you are my dad.. I will always miss you and want you to be part of my life. But I can't let you hurt me any more. I never want to see those "Mad As Hell Fire Red Eyes" turn on me-because STILL I am not good enough or you don't agree with me. There WILL NEVER be another emotionally charged thing come from your mouth that will ever REACH MY EARS AGAIN. Remember Dad, I'm in control of me.
I am afraid of really "feeling" and having to figure out, how to sort out this mess..
But I know where I have to start! I learned how to love me and nourish this heart that you nearly broke,and maybe just maybe, sometime-when you no longer have desires, to cuss me and degrade me, or raise your angry fists at me, we can start over again and make a new start.
And who knows Dad, maybe Next time around, I can teach you how to be a little ... MORE LIKE ME! Forgiving and loving...leading by example.
god thats is a really heart felt letter i hope it goes good for you
best of luck!
This is definitely heartfelt and I hope this is a type of healing for you. You deserve to be happy. I know you are a good mother and Im sure your children know too