Am I okay?

[snoogins]

Hey everyone, I haven't felt myself at all for the past two years, here's my issue:
About two years ago, I was put on anti-depressants. I found that they made me tired and even more miserable, so I stopped. But here's the catch - I tried pot for the first time while on the pills, and had a weird dissociative / depersonlization experience. Wikipedia summed up my experience pretty well ''One way to describe the physical manifestation of the feeling is to compare it to a film technique called the vertigo shot or a dolly zoom. In this technique, the subject of the picture stays fixed within the shot while the surrounding background is pulled away, providing a sense of vertigo or detachment.'' Ever since this, I haven't felt like myself. I feel numb all the time, like I can't feel emotion. I could be hanging out with friends and be laughing and smiling, but I don't feel the joy anymore.

To sum it up, I don't really feel alive, like everything is fake and I'm watching it go by. Will this ever go away? any help is appreciated.

[RubyWitch]

If you were diagnosed with depression at 15 and put on medication for it, then you weren't just feeling the "normal" angst and anxiety of being a puberty stricken 15 y/o. Who diagnosed you? Did you see a psychiatrist whose speciality was young people? Did you have regular evaluations (every three months) with this doctor to see how you were doing on the meds? Did you get any therapy during this time? That you say you haven't felt like yourself for the past year or two leaves much to speculate about. Do you have any idea what sent you into a depression? Was there a death? A divorce? A move? But you say the depression isn't all the time, so do you have any idea what triggers an episode?
Your mom may be right that you're just grappling with puberty. Some people sail through it pretty easy and some have a very difficult time. Personally, you could NOT pay me enough to go through it again! But.......in my humble and non-medical opinion, and if you were my son, I'd take you to the doctor for a complete physical, all the blood work, the whole meal deal and make sure there was nothing organic going on. If you get a clean bill of health, then it's time to look into therapy to figure out why you're feeling the way you are. This should be one of the best times of your life, not one full of fears and worries.
Talk with your mom and let her know you don't want to feel like you do any more. Tell her you want to see a doctor. Don't lose any more time than you have already. Get your life back.
Please let us know how you're doing and know that we are always here if you want to talk.
I wish you the very best and it WILL get better.
Peace
Greenlydia

[snoogins]

Hey, and thanks for the comment.
I have continued to smoke, but I don't think what I had was laced because that happened to me quite a few times until I stopped taking the anti-depressants. (The pills were just making me tired and more depressed.) My main problem is I haven't felt myself in probably a year or two. I feel like a completely different person. The depersonalization stuff isn't all the time, nor is the depression. I tend to have depressive outbursts. My mom said I'm just dealing with the stress of becoming an adult ( I had always feared responsibilities when I was younger) and now I have them, so I dunno. Maybe it's just a rough time that I'll pull through eventually.

[RubyWitch]

Hi and welcome to the forum.
Most people with depression don't usually experience depersonalization. It's those of us with anxiety and/or panic disorders who suffer with that nasty feeling. I'm not saying you can't, just that it's pretty rare in depression.
Smoking pot for the first time and having an experience of depersonalization at the same time can be a real mental/emotional overload. Was there a possibility the pot was "dusted?" Could it have had something added to it like Angel Dust? Also known as PCP. It's an incredibly ugly and frightening high and depersonalization or extreme derealization are very common.
You don't say how long or what dose of antidepressants you were on at the time, but if just did cold turkey stop after having this experience with the pot, what could possibly be keeping these feelings going is that you're also dealing with withdrawal symptoms from the AD's. You must never just stop antidepressants. They are powerful medications and you need to be tapered off them slowly, under the supervision of your doctor.
You also didn't say if you have continued to smoke pot.
The best advice I can give you, especially since these strange feelings are not subsiding, is to see your doctor ASAP and tell him/her this story. Going back on the antidepressants will almost immediately stop any withdrawal you're going through and you can then undergo a medically supervised withdrawal. Please understand that I am NOT telling you to begin taking your antidepressants again. Only your doctor can make that kind of decision. I really need you to understand that you should not take ANYTHING now unless it is prescribed by your doctor.
You may be advised to seek some therapy for the way you are feeling and that would be excellent advice.
You have not done anything to permanently "damage" yourself. You haven't "fried" your brain or driven yourself insane. I think you had an experience with drugs and medication that would scare the hell out of anybody, but at 17, you may just need some help getting back on track.
Please see your doctor so you can stop living in fear and get your life back.
Let us know how you're doing, OK? We're always here if you need to talk.
You'll be fine.
Peace
Greenlydia