Can't Handly Anymore

[JKJ]

It came over me today like a huge wave and now I feel like I'm drowning.  These feelings of hopelessness, severe depression, suicidal feelings, just wash over me and leave me wiped out.  I was just dx this past week with yet another physical problem.  
I grow so very tired of living like this.  No one understands...not even my therapist; she doesn't get any of this.  The doc just tosses this new dx at me with zero explanation.  It's the VA way.  I should be used to it by now; but does anyone ever get used to being treated like ****?
All the bad memories come rushing back, it all floods my mind.  It's a flood of ugliness and disgust.
I'm very tired of living with these memories.  It's way too much.

[gwmclean]

I’ve made every wrong choice a man can make.  I pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who’s ever loved me. And lately, I can’t even stand the face I see in the mirror.

You know, when you get old in life things get taken from you. I mean that's...part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out life’s is a game of inches. The margin for error is so small -- I mean one-half a step too late, or too early, and you don’t quite make it. One-half second too slow, too fast, you don’t quite catch it.

The inches we need are everywhere around us.

They’re in every break of the day, every minute, every second.

In this place we fight for that inch. We tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch, because we know when we add up all those inches that’s gonna make the fuckin' difference between winning and losing! Between livin' and dyin'!

I’ll tell you this: In any fight, it’s the guy who’s willing to give everything who's gonna win that inch. And I know if I'm gonna have any life anymore, it’s because I’m still willin' to fight and die for that inch. Because that’s what livin' is! The six inches in front of your face!!

Now I can’t make you do it. You got to look at the guy next to you. Look into their eyes! Now I think you're gonna see a guy who will go that inch with you. You're gonna see a guy who will sacrifice themselves for this place because they know, when it comes down to it, you're gonna do the same for him!

That’s a team, gentleman!

And, either we heal, now, as a team, or we will die as individuals.”

[LeftCoastChick]

You WILL get out of this funk, some times just with baby steps. Are you on meds? The can help with the depression so you can manage to deal with the other things like your ptsd. Remember even if your roughest moments, to do one thing, just one thing to pamper yourself, a bath, a hot steamy shower,  a nice treat, maybe go out in the sunshine for 10 minutes, these little things will help you ease out of it. I suffer from 3 different types of depression, oh fun oh joy! I have Bipolar Depression, Major Depression and externalized Depression, which means I can go into a funk if something upsets me.
You know, if a therapist  fell asleep, I would call them on it, and the lack of respect that it shows when you are in such a vulnerable state. If they don't respond go over their head and make a complaint. You have to be an active participant in your recovery. If you don't feel it's working or being acknowledged, speak up, you have the right to do that!

[ILADVOCATE]

An independent living center can assist with benefits issues and advocacy, housing issues (although they don't provide housing) and vocational issues (although they don't provide jobs). Your issue with Veteran's Assistance and what it will and won't cover and what services are being provided is one they can and would handle. Here's a list of the ones in Ohio:
http://www.virtualcil.net/cils/docs/oh.html
Detail your concerns about what is going on as regards Veteran's Assistance. Find the one nearest to you. Call them and make an appointment and see how they can help you (note I am not affiliated with these agencies and they are non profits). They are not medical model but are of course pro-treatment and will work with providers as needed (such as obtaining documentation for benefits appeals).

[JKJ]

As far as relaxation and biofeedback.....that's a no.  The VA barely knows how to do normal therapy let alone anything beyond.  They also refuse to allow me to go to a "real" (civilian) provider (on their dime).

Fuzzzz-Did you know that the #1 cause of PTSD is actually car accidents?  PTSD can be caused by any trauma....not just combat trauma.

birdie-Unfortunately, there is no transferring therapists in the VA system.  I've filed complaints against physicians before and now my records are "flagged" that I'm a "problem patient".  I was told to stop filing complaints and I might get treated better.....no kidding.  I was also told that ppl there are scared of me.  I replied that they just need to do their job right the first time.  

I'm telling you the VA is an awful place.

ILADVOCATE--How will and Independent Living Center help?  Very curious...

Hensley--So sorry...It really ***** to have docs who won't listen and don't care.  Then they wonder why.

[Hensley258]

I know how you feel. My Psychiatrist doesn't give a damn about my condition.

I am just another number to him. I have tried to talk with him about alternative treatments and he just brushes me off like a chump and throws more usless antidepressants at me.

You would think by now he would get the point that my condition is medication resistant.

[ILADVOCATE]

Thanks KMathis70. Actually one area of knowledge I do have is benefits issues. I'm not as familiar with Veterans' Assistance as the rest but I can look something up if you want. My experience is not just in working with people but self advocating as well. I cannot detail specifics but through my own advocacy I won a hearing for Access a Ride and can travel through them and just got accepted for coverage for Zofran after a lengthy appeal with Medicare Part D. I'd say with any benefits system, a denial or regulation you believe to be unfair can be contested with an appeal. You could pm me but if you want an in person consulation I'd suggest your local independent living center. There's one in every county of every state. Here's a list:
http://www.ilru.org/html/publications/directory/index.html

[birdie0907]

"in a group setting 2 weeks ago she actually feel asleep while i was talking about something very import..."
Anyone I know that fell asleep in a meeting at work was fired. I am not into punishment, so perhaps you can tell the therapist that they must talk to their superior and arrange you to be transferred to a new one.
You could tell your therapist she broke your confidence by falling asleep, which she did, and leave it at that. The therapist should get the idea that the 2 of you can't work together and you intend to try to get a transfer.

[Fuzzz]

I really hope your therapist gets changed.  Yours does not sound like she has found her calling.  

Can you get relaxation therapy with biofeedback?  That's a treatment that was effective for me.  The first psychologist I saw dxd me with PTSD, and now that I'm seeing a different MD, many years later, he didn't give me that same diagnosis, so I believe I recovered (although the new MD thinks the dx was wrong since I wasn't in a war situation).  But I don't have the same degree of anxiety now as I did then - that much I know.  The relaxation therapy did help me learn to feel better.  

[JKJ]

i do have ptsd along with severe depression.  i'm a 100% disabled veteran due to the ptsd....i receive my care thru the VA system.  it's horrid.  i've recently had to swtich to a new therapist (tdoc) and we just aren't clicking.  i've told her (as my previous tdoc also did) that i'm mostly looking for supportive-type therapy right now until i'm more stable...she doesn't like that.  she insists more on treatment-type therapy.  our short term goals conflict.

problem with the VA is that you can't just switch tdocs...you are assigned one and stuck.

in a group setting 2 weeks ago she actually feel asleep while i was talking about something very important to me.  i haven't been back.  i tell her how i'm feeling and she has zero reaction.  i dread appts.  

[kmathis70]

listen to iladvocate he knows what hes talking about . if any one can help u he can . he has helped me so much . and hes always honest and straight up he doesn't butter anything up just straight forward advice

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes but your therapist is one person. They may not take the time they should for you. As a person who has recovered from schizoaffective disorder when I felt depressed in the past I felt exactly like this. I do understand. And some of those feelings are reality based, not just from depression. Your therapist of all people should be sympathetic.
   But what do you want out of therapy? Out of treatment in general? That you are not getting? Why don't you discuss that and perhaps I could explain how to present it to them in a way that they would respect you more even though they should have all along. Tell me more what's going on and I'll give you some ideas.

[kmathis70]

hi , are u ptsd? i am and memories are a nightmare for me . its almost like a losing battle. we can talk anytime if you want just add me as a friend , im a good listener.