Depression Isnt Real

[creston1966]

I've dealt with feelings of depression for a long time--years.  And I've been suicidal in the past.  I tried the therapy route.  Been prescribed multiple antidepressants.  Nothing has worked.  I'm done with the whole racket, scam which is the mental health industry.   I have not heard from one person, not a single person, who has been "healed" from a mental health "disease".   Cancer is a disease--you can see it, you can test for it, and it can kill you and it is known why and how it does so.  The same cannot be said for depression.  Yes, obviously, people, including me, get depressed.  But it is not a disease.  It is a symptom of something larger.  A symptom of coping (or not).  

For me, it is a failure of personality (lack thereof) and character.  To think I have to take a medicine to feel okay is ridiculous to me.  If I cant make myself feel okay, no one or nothing else can.  It is "all in my head"--duh.  And it is "chemical"--duh.  Everything is chemical.  But what is the cause.  Why cant I ever.........EVER feel happy?  Ever feel joy?  Ever feel worthwhile.   I've tried, I cant talk myself into it.  The medications make me feel worse--not from the side effects but from the fact I'm taking a drug to try and feel.  Might as well snort cocaine--same outcome.  I've come to realize the only time I do feel good is when in intimate moments.  Or moments when I think there could be a relationship developing.  That's all chemical.  The same chemicals which get triggered when one takes a mood altering drub or AD.   That goes back to personality flaws which at my age cannot be fixed.  It is well known psychiatrists will not treat those with personality disorders.  Why?  Because their is no fixing them.  Not with therapy, not with drugs.  

I've given up trying.  The suicidal thoughts are back in full force.  And I'm not going to deny them.  Rather, embracing them.  I'm done being unhappy 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.....month after month.......year after year.   The internal pain is beating me down.  I give up.   I cant even close my eyes and hope to push the pain down for a few hours during sleep.  Its there in my sleep.  There is no escape but one.   This is not a plea for help.  I'll either get past these thoughts or I wont.  What I need is for some to understand.  Not give the fake reply about not taking my life, how others will be hurt.....blah blah.   I'm alone and the only one feeling this way and with the courage to acknowledge the realness of my pain.  Flowery words, spiritual fluff are not helpful.  If god were real and as powerful as so many claim we would be here on this web site.  So spare me the fake concern.   The fact is I'm coming to a point of peace and resolution.  And it feels good--finally.

This is my final post.....either way.  Hope you all find the answer for you.

[fecalnomore]

I have the feelings of despair, struggle, emotion flowing down through my soul. I can't escape it, it is there wanting me to notice, wanting me to observe, wanting me to call for help, wanting me to respond in any way. People all around me notice me, because i am an attractive humanbieng. I cant feel normal, i dont want to feel normal. Something in me  just cant change, even if i want it to. Maybe it's not me, maybe i'ts meant to be this way. sad days go by. starting day at noon, when everybody's gone. lookin at the monitor of the computer or the TV screen. getting news, probably more depressing then ever. eating same things, talking  the same thing's, repeating habitat. feeling awkward during conversation, feeling boring when you start talking, claustrophobic around people.I fell i need to get away, just escape or kill everyone. wonder what it would be like if there was  no one in earth but me.
no one to talk to, no nervousness, all the things in the world is for only one and its for me.
I can do whatever i want without anyone looking or telling me that i am weird.
I have seen people's eyes full of disgust and sympathy at the same time while they are looking at me, they want to help but they cant. Traveling with family but also discovering some rude people who can ruin and change your life and destiny forever. We are simply made for each other, everyone of us are so connected that it is simply crazy. Looking at god and bible makes me more depressed knowing that some people are actually damned before they are even born kills me inside. I thought about philosophy of life and getting books or just having a hobby. I love art but hate painting. i might try taking photos. changing lifestyle, maybe having few close friends, but it will take time. I still need some explanation from god or Buddha or whatever that is that is in control.
I know this things had to happen but in the end what's the point? all it do was to made me angry, suffer people and think incredibly selfish sick minded thought's.
Death is another thing, i don't want to feel nothing when i die. even if it's life after death, i don't want to take cowards way out. Heaven/hell can wait. I still think i have many things to feel before i die. heck i have to try to visit some places and experience sex or childbirth. i need to feel those joys that only LIFE has to offer.

[cooplist]

"I do believe, for me, that I am not "depressed" in a clinical sense.". Until you accept that you DO have depression, even clinical depression, you will never get the help you need.

"Asking for help, to me, show weakness.  We all live in a Me world, get mine, keep mine, suck it up.  Its just the way it is." This cant be any further from the truth. Asking for help doesn't show weakness. It shows the exact opposite. It shows strength. Everyone deserves help, just as it is an obligation to not always think about your self ONLY, but to help others. This is the circle of life. We do NOT live in a ME world. A least we all don't. There is a difference between being selfish all the time, and helping yourself by letting others help you. Until you realize that, again, you will not feel better or be able to move on.

" In my personal life here, no one sees or knows a thing.   I had a psychiatrist tell me I couldnt be that depressed because I function so well.  Why is it those who cant get out of bed and hold a job are considered so worse off.  It is just as anguishing, sometimes more, to be so depressed, but when you MUST function.". You say no one see or knows a thing, yet you say how bad you feel because you aren't understood or cared for. You say you don't think you are depressed, just the unability to cope, then say its just as anguishing to be so depressed but you must function and get upset because there are people who are considered worse off then you BECAUSE they CANT do the things you do... but you WONT tell the truth of how you feel to the people in your life. Very confusing! Also, its not the fact that people who aren't able to get out of bed and go through their day are considered worse, but the fact that they are so depressed that they don't see the importance of getting out of bed and pushing yourself through the day, That the depression has basically depressed their mind and body so much, that they don't realize or care about the importance of those things that makes them "worse". I have been in that spot and have been hospitalized quite a few times because I got to that place. Getting to that place isn't being selfish because you are thinking about only yourself, but its being in dire need because you don't recognize the importance of of yourself and others and the importance of of getting out of bed and pushing through your day.

You know you are worthy of help, or else you wouldn't be so upset when you can't get the help when you need it. Make sense? I believe you just feel you have to put on a front that you don't deserve help, so people don't think you're selfish. If someone gives you a number to call to talk to your psychiatrist, take that number and call them. If the secretary is giving you the number, then the psychiatrist has given them permission to do that, and the psychiatrist is expecting to have those calls.

Someone said, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. BUT, also, you are being hard on everyone else... the whole world to be exact. You make things out to be SO black and white, that you cant see the gray in between. NOT ALL counselors or therapist are out for themselves.  They go through the training  to listen to you, to give ideas, to help you. Give them a chance. You might not find the right one right away, but they are out there, and more then you think. Not everyone in the world thinks about "ME, ME, ME". And it is hurtful to think that. Hurtful to yourself and hurtful to others who have reached out to yourself, because you are basically saying they are being fake in their concern for you.

As for the psychiatrist not remembering you... you have to realize that they have SO many patient every day that they are trying to help. To expect them to not have to look in the folder to see what ye talked about the last time, and any changes they made, is to expect the impossible. If they were trying to figure out who you are, they wouldn't have to open the folder. Your name would be on the front of it. I don't NOT believe that if you were seeing different people every half hour (about 10 appointments a day or more, plus emergencies that psychiatrist deal with, and patients in hospital they have to visit) that you would remember everything you need to know about them. Be realistic. Stop being so selfish that you think the world is against you and that the whole world is the same. You WONT find the help you need if you don't give them a chance or look for the help you need if one doesn't work. Thats like saying you should marry the first person you have a relationship with. Thats simply unrealistic and selfish to believe that the world is going to drop in your lap, that you don't have to do some work for yourself, that the whole world only cares about themselves. I have a wonderful family doctor (OB/GYN also) who I use to think didn't remember things about me. That he wouldn't realize that I hadn't been there in ages if I didn't show up for an appointment. But my god, he realized when I hadn't been there in awhile, and had his secretary call me and see how I was doing and to make sure I made an appointment to come in. Another few times, he had stated that he was thinking about me in between appointments and was anxious to see how I was doing. I was so wrong about him, and now realize that he is the best person that could have come into my life. I last seen a psychiatrist at the end of august. At that time, my regular psychiatrist decided to move away to a larger city for family reasons, and I had realized that my meds were working fine, and I didn't really need to sign up with one of the other psychiatrist, who I had known for earlier hospital admissions before my final psychiatrist and I knew I didn't like them. I realized that I'm at a place where I don't need my psychiatrist at the moment. So my family doctor agreed to deal with any medications changes I might need (which we are dealing with right now... cutting back on them to see if I can come off any of them. So far so good.). I also see a counselor usually once a month. Sometimes I don't feel like she helps me, sometimes I do. If after I get to an appointment I feel I don't have anything to say, i'll either leave early or cancel before the appointment. This is a community counselor and I was refered there by my psychiatrist and family doctor. So, im doing ok now. If it comes to a point where I am going downhill again, whether I realize it or not, my family doctor told me I will have to see one of the other psychiatrist, and I agreed with that, especially if I end up in the hospital on the psychiatric ward again.

I've also given up on meds at a few points, and never realized how much they helped me until I started back on them after a huge drop into a deep dark hole when I stopped taking them. I posted a few posts like yours. Not quite as in depth as yours, but I posted. And I had a similar post to me as im writing to you. I look back on my post and see how desperate I was for assurance that it was ok for me to end my life. How self absorbed I was and how irrational I was thinking no one cared. Wow, how things have changed. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle daily with this, and I am in no way cured or better, but they aren't as bad as they use to be. Not saying I wont end up back there. I am currently dealing with my ex boyfriend who has been bothering me and even pushed his way into my apartment last week and hit me a few times. I'm having medical issues because of my eating disorder... but i'm still alive. Thats a miracle!

I HAVE been where you are or when when you wrote this post. I was angry, believing I couldn't be helped, angry at what doctors were telling me (ie. high iq, high functioning, should be able to get out of this mess, and so on. BUT I spoke up for myself and told them exactally how I was feeling, no matter what it was I was thinking or or feeling.

I certainly hope you are doing better and got the help you needed, I HAD to reply!

[cooplist]

I am totally shocked by your post, but at the same time I'm not. I think you need a little reality brought into your life. In so many of your posts, you are insulting and dismissing so many issues that other people are dealing with. Depression IS a real thing. Its not ONLY caused by chemicals, but by life experiences. You want an example? I've lost children, Ive been severely abused off and on (mostly on) since I was six years old by a family friend, boyfriends, and even my mother. We had child services in our house constantly when me and my sister were kids. Ive tried to commit suicide quite a few times when I got to points where I didn't realize WHAT I was doing or the impact it would have on people. In between attempts, I did realize that, but while your going down that depressive slope, you don't realize it. I have also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I self injure by cutting, burning, bulimia with anorexic traits. Ive also been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe depression, conversion disorder, anxiety, complicated grief and several less severe psychiatric disorders. Have you ever read up on what personality disorders are? You never stated WHAT personality disorder you have, which is quite strange if you've been diagnosed with a personality disorder (there are quite a few different types). To say that personality disorders are untreatable, is NOT true. Just the same way cancer is treated, or diabetes or heart disease, can come out of remission, the same thing is true with personality disorders and depression. They CAN be treated. They may not be able to be cured, but they can be treated and managed. There are a lot of diseases that can not be explained, but just because they cant be explained, doesn't mean they aren't real. YOUR life experiences, from what I have read, IS an explanation of why you feel depressed.

Reading through your posts I see the need you have to be the victim and seek approval. THIS IS part of having some personality disorders. You believe that "misssleepy" attacked you? But aside from a very poor judgment in choosing a "TO" name of Mr **** Off? (sorry I don't get that either) this person, in no way attacked you in their post. You are a very straight forward person, but the second someone is straight forward with you, you take is as an attack. Also, another "symptom" of some personality disorders.You contradict yourself so much in your posts, I understand why you are confused. You say people, such as your inlaws and your wife and family, who you seek help, understanding and support from, have dismissed you and avoid you, but at the same time, you say YOURSELF, that you cant be helped. If you don't accept help and support you have to realize most of these people will feel helpless and not KNOW how to help you. Do you realize what a contradiction this is? If you believe you cant be helped then your sessions of going to a therapist? psychiatrist? psychologist? counselor? are pointless. You didn't say what type of counseling you are/were getting , but if you feel all you deal with is medication changes, then it must be a psychiatrist, and they aren't there to deeply counsel you, but are there to deal with the medical side of psychiatric disorders. There ARE community services that can help you out in counseling. You don't have to see just one person. There are different counselors for grief, depression, marriage issues... whatever you may have. There are community groups out there that are there to listen and help and share their stories and tell what has worked for them and hasn't. It not only helps you, but YOU will be helping others by being there, telling your stories and so on. You say the medications aren't working, not because of side affects, but because of the fact that you need to take them to feel? Once again, you are NOT accepting help. If you settle with the fact that they aren't there to make you feel better and brush away the shame of taking medications, you might feel a little better. It is VERY wrong when you say psychiatrist wont treat personality disorders. I am being treated. I've been/am on several different kinds of medications. I've gone through trying a lot of different kinds of meds tryinf to find the ones that WILL help me. It takes time. It takes patience, but most of all, it takes you accepting that you need help. You say your job is too much. That you have to deal with everyone else's problems and it makes you feel worse. But that if you get help you will be fired? Also that you only have limited help/counseling that doesnt work. Once again, I am confused a little. If you can't handle your job, why not find a new one, or retire like someone said you were thinking about. One that will LET you get the help you need. If its because the money is so good at your current job that you cant leave, then you should be able to afford better counseling then what your insurance is providing you. Otherwise, you should find a new one. What kind of job would fire you because you are seeking help to be better in your life and job? It just doesn't make sense!

You say your marriage is on the rocks and if it wasn't for the children, then you would be gone. Don't you think it would be better for your kids to see you happier, then to see you in a loveless marriage that makes you unhappy? "I'm done being unhappy 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.....month after month.......year after year". If you don't deal with the issues that are making you unhappy like being in a loveless marriage, being at a job that makes you feel worse and WONT let you get the help you need, how can you expect to be happy? There are a lot of things that I agree with you on. God... I dont know if I believe in god. So many things have happened in my life that I find it hard to believe there is a god who would let all those things happen to someone so young who cant hep themselves. "So spare me the fake concern."? You don't want people to show you concern? Then one... why did you post on here. And two... if anyone is bluntly honest with you and not coddling you and not begging you to not hurt yourself and saying how much it would hurt others if you did, or not showing deep concern, you are deeply hurt. You need to dig deep and figure out what it is you REALLY want. Write it down, so you can look at it and not find yourself in a contradiction and misunderstandings and help you get the help you need or DON'T want. Don't use your children as reasons for you not to kill yourself or not get out of a bad marriage. That's putting an awful lot of responsibility on them, and your taking the chance of them finding out that you stayed in a bad marriage because of them and may feel you have resentment for them because of that. But most of all, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness and your own strength NOT to go through with killing yourself, because until you have respect for yourself and for your own strength and stop using other people to determine your own happiness, you will never figure out what it is you need to survive. Live for yourself first, then others second. Someone said "you don't have a choice", but you do have a choice, but it is your responsibility to make the RIGHT decisions for YOURSELF first, and everyone else second. But first you need to open your eyes to the fact that you need help and are worth being helped and being loved.

Continue Below...

[Kobuk]

Boy reading these posts give me hope.  Thanks.

[lost_myself]

Creston,
I dont know you and there are already volumes of good on here . You and i are about the same age and in the same place. A couple weeks ago my dad asked why i was like i was ( depressed) and why i was crying all the time etc.. during the convo i let slip  I was scared it would hurt when i shot myself. you know what he did ..quoted a statstic about how many people wonder that..so i feel you when speak of your fellings etc. I found a book that may do jack **** for you or it may change you life like it did mine. its called become a better you.i wont bore you details on the book or how i found it... judge for yourself.Keep lookin ahead ..feel free to pm me anytime Im here for the long haul ..take care.

[Rtyler]

Wow!!!  The initial post expressed some veri strong feelings.  I understand where ur comming from...I come from a long line of mentally depressed family and trust me it is veri real...Some are functioning without meds/therapy but most of us are at least using meds to prevent episodes...however starting and stoping meds is dangerous and could be the reason u aren't feeling results.  I remember my mom would say the same things u say...its not real...I don't need the meds...but after 2 or 3 days without the meds I woke up and found her head in the oven with the oven on trying to kill herself...she suffered from depression as well as schizophrenia severely...U are not alone this forum is a good way to self medicate (therapy) also developing some sort or relationship with a higher power coupled with meds, determination, perseverance and patients...ur problems didn't happen over nite and may be part of ur life work but ur mental, spiritual, physical and mental health should be priority in ur life for u and ur kids!  U will have good days and bad days but just take it one day at a time and celebrate the good days!  I hope to see u on here again...if u ever need to talk I'm here to listen.

Stay in the fight!  Rtyler