Depression Isnt Real

[creston1966]

I've dealt with feelings of depression for a long time--years.  And I've been suicidal in the past.  I tried the therapy route.  Been prescribed multiple antidepressants.  Nothing has worked.  I'm done with the whole racket, scam which is the mental health industry.   I have not heard from one person, not a single person, who has been "healed" from a mental health "disease".   Cancer is a disease--you can see it, you can test for it, and it can kill you and it is known why and how it does so.  The same cannot be said for depression.  Yes, obviously, people, including me, get depressed.  But it is not a disease.  It is a symptom of something larger.  A symptom of coping (or not).  

For me, it is a failure of personality (lack thereof) and character.  To think I have to take a medicine to feel okay is ridiculous to me.  If I cant make myself feel okay, no one or nothing else can.  It is "all in my head"--duh.  And it is "chemical"--duh.  Everything is chemical.  But what is the cause.  Why cant I ever.........EVER feel happy?  Ever feel joy?  Ever feel worthwhile.   I've tried, I cant talk myself into it.  The medications make me feel worse--not from the side effects but from the fact I'm taking a drug to try and feel.  Might as well snort cocaine--same outcome.  I've come to realize the only time I do feel good is when in intimate moments.  Or moments when I think there could be a relationship developing.  That's all chemical.  The same chemicals which get triggered when one takes a mood altering drub or AD.   That goes back to personality flaws which at my age cannot be fixed.  It is well known psychiatrists will not treat those with personality disorders.  Why?  Because their is no fixing them.  Not with therapy, not with drugs.  

I've given up trying.  The suicidal thoughts are back in full force.  And I'm not going to deny them.  Rather, embracing them.  I'm done being unhappy 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.....month after month.......year after year.   The internal pain is beating me down.  I give up.   I cant even close my eyes and hope to push the pain down for a few hours during sleep.  Its there in my sleep.  There is no escape but one.   This is not a plea for help.  I'll either get past these thoughts or I wont.  What I need is for some to understand.  Not give the fake reply about not taking my life, how others will be hurt.....blah blah.   I'm alone and the only one feeling this way and with the courage to acknowledge the realness of my pain.  Flowery words, spiritual fluff are not helpful.  If god were real and as powerful as so many claim we would be here on this web site.  So spare me the fake concern.   The fact is I'm coming to a point of peace and resolution.  And it feels good--finally.

This is my final post.....either way.  Hope you all find the answer for you.

[whatsthis987]

im not going to make this long. I read your initial post and i felt my gut drop. Ive been there. we all have. wanna know what helped me?
its not medicine, its not treatment. its not a home. its not quitting.

i will not say it in this post b/c i want to know that you are there and listening but get back to me and i will tell you what has kept me going.

[Rob737]

Creston I understand you completely how we want to torture ourselves for ever letting ourselves fall into a deppresion.  I too think that to a point we have some control as how we let ourselves get mentally.  I don't know if you remember me still but I've never been very religious but my mother is.  I've started praying the rosary a little every night for the last month.  I don't know if this is coincidence or what but I was put on a new anti-depprecent along with the 100mg Zoloft and I no longer have any bad thoughts, I not questioning the meaning of life, why I'm here.  All this after just one dosage of Abilify, 2mg.  I guess it's used for people who are bipolar as well.  But I guess they're prescribing it to people who have bad thoughts.  I've been taking it 4 days now.  I can't believe the difference.  It's like somebody flipped a light switch.  I'm not 100% yet but I'm actually enjoying life, work and my kids again.  I don't know if you have tried this medication.  I just couldn't believe it's helped me so fast.  Usually these things take months or weeks for me to feel any difference.  Tell me what you've taken.  Maybe we can help one another somehow.

[Kgbiddix]

You don't want fluff, well LISTEN good. We're all tired of depression, but you have to do something about it. I'm 46 been depressed all my life, relized what my problem was at 23 so I started reading self help books, you have to relize you have a problem and you may need some meds. But if things are not working change them.
By your profile you want attention or maybe you need to find out who you really are. Get out from under the computer, quit writing pity letters. Get out of the black clothes and brighten up some. Suicide is the weak way out.
Only you have the power to change what is wrong decide your not going to be this way and do something about it. Everything is in your head, be it good or bad, change it.
God is real and he don't come to you, you have to go to him.
Good book is "The Power of Positive Thinking"
Karen

[prozacprincess]

I'm new to this site but I came across your post.  The following is one of your comments.  "In fact, I have no love at all for me.  I could not hate a person more than I hate myself."  Talk about hitting the nail on the head with that statement.  I so understand that one.  I just wish I knew how to change it.  I have read a lot of great advice from people who really seem to care.  I, unfortunately, don't have any advice that might help.  All I can say is that I really admire you, and I'm being utterly sincere.  You have gone through so much and yet you still find the strength to keep going.  You don't sound selfish at all, quite the opposite actually.        

[alex1117]

I agree with you 100%.  I have been dealing with depression since 1997. My world caved in on me after a divorce and the failure of a second relationship.  I take medication, a minimal dose, just to get through the days, especially winter.  It's a daily struggle. I think it's because our worlds have fallen apart and it's difficult to rebuild them when you are an adult. The world is unstable and the people we meet do not have the same loyalty and values we do.  But I am in the same boat.

[888mom]

I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through.  I can't say I've been through what you are going through, but I've seen my mother go through it.  I really hope you do get help.  Marriage counseling did help my parents out.  I wish they had gone through it when I was a kid.  They were great to us, but we'd hear them arguing and fighting and never agreeing on things.  It was scary.  I still have memories of them fighting.  

What I really wanted to comment on was on your faith in God.  I have been through periods of doubt of my faith.  I have had lupus since I was 18, and am now in my mid 30s.  I've dealt with horrible joint pain, debilitating fatigue that cripples my ability to do things in life if I don't watch my limits, and I get sick a lot more often because my immune system attacks itself as well as viruses, so my immune system doesn't work as great as other peoples.  I went through a period where I was angry at God.  I had prayed for years.  Why would he not remove this illness?  Why did it get worse instead of better?  For years I was angry and bitter and my heart was so heavy.  I can't say I'm still not angry at times, but the constant anger is gone.  

I believe in God.  But what got me was other Christians telling me that God heals you if you have faith.  That's balony.  I knew this one girl who had faith so strong, stronger than most people I've met.  She got breast cancer.  She went to work every day while going through chemo.  The cancer went away for a year.  Came back in her bones.  She died within the next year.  But I watched her at work, her faith strong.  I had several conversations with her about her faith because I was concerned about my faith in God.  She said that if she died from the cancer, that was God's will, and that there must be a reason for it, and that she would not find out here on earth, but she'd find out in heaven.  She had her moments when she was depressed and in pain, obviously, but she also kept her faith.  That was one of the things that changed me and has helped me cope with pain and fatigue on a daily basis.  I don't blame God for my health anymore.  Autoimmune diseases seem to run in families (and there are autoimmune diseases on both sides of my mom and dad), so it's a genetic thing.  So I don't blame myself either.  There has got to be some reason I have to deal with this, some reason that people get sick, battle depression.  And we're not goign to find out here on earth.  

I read the bible when I get depressed.  Sometimes it helps me.  Sometimes not.  But there are a lot of people in the bible, God's people, who get the short end of the stick.  I think the bible says that God tests us, he gives us trials. Oh, and I like to read the book of Job.  God allowed the devil to test Job.  So many terrible things happened to Job, and Job was a devout, God loving man, and God still allowed it to happen to him.  But there was a reason for it.  In the end, Job was able to witness to other people.  And these other Jewish people were telling Job that it must have been something he did, some failure on his part or some relative.  Nope, it wasn't.  it just happened, not because of anything Job did or didn't do.  I feel like a big failure a lot of the time, but I know that God will not give us things that we can not handle in some way.  I get upset at some Christians, although I know they mean well, when they say things like if you had faith you would not be sick, not be poor, not be depressed.  They are just so wrong. Christians go through all these things, just like the rest of the population.  To ignore if you are in one of these situations is not a good thing either.  We are supposed to pray for ourselves and each other.  If you ignore something pretending it doesn't exist so you think you are being a good Christian, well, it's not a good thing.  God wants the poor, the hungry, the sick to come to him.  

Why would it be an embarrasment to be poor or hungry or sick?  I go to a church, which is a small congregation of about 20 families, where the pastor regularly prays every Sunday pretty much for every family.  There are several who are going through financial problems and work difficulties.  There are many who have health issues, either temporary or ongoing.  The pastor has even prayed for some people's emotional health, in the middle of church service!  When I first moved here, and was new to the church, I had been in a big mega church, and there it seemed you just prayed for the old people or those in the hospital, not really for everyone.  And I was embarrased about my lupus and didn't want people to know, which created stress for me because I had to watch my activity level and people would wonder why I couldn't help out on something or another, because there I was this young woman, why shouldn't I be doing a lot more?  So I suffered depression in that church and felt embarrased and shamed.  The current church I'm in, it took awhiel for me to observe the true Christian behavior of the parishoners.  They prayed for so many things, and not all health problems were healed, but these peopel with health issues were happy.  Why?  So it took awhile ,but I finally had my name added to the prayer list.  Now the whole congregation knows I have lupus and they pray for me.  I pray for me.  Prayer is not selfish.  I pray for others as well.  I still deal with pain, sickness, and fatigue on a daily basis and depression because of those issues, but it's not as bad as it was.  

Having your spouse be there for you is also important.  I think women get caught up in being moms, I'm guilty of it too.  But, I heard an excellent speaker at a conference I went to a couple years ago, that there are three orders of importance: God, spouse, children.  Often women get them reversed, and they will take care of their children first, maybe then their spouse, and then God.  Sometiems they have children then God then spouse.  Anyways, I have to consciously think about this all the time.  It's hard to remember, and I have to ask my husband to help me, but in order for our children to have a good view of their parents, they need to see us have a loving relationship.  Sometimes that means their needs come second not first.  The speaker at this conference said she didn't learn that until later, but when she learned it, her kids had some difficulty dealing with it because they were older teenagers.  My parents went through marriage counseling after I had gotten married, and even as an adult seeing my parents correct years and years of bad marriage, fighting, and everythign else, it has helped me as an adult.  My husband and I address a lot of similar issues.  We have been through some counseling, and even if people don't have problems, marriage counseling is never a bad thing.  And if you can't afford marriage counseling or afford it because of your career, then there are so many books to help couples work things out.

Well, I will keep you in my prayers.  I'm sorry if I'm a little disorganized in my thoughts.  Just wanted to share some things.