Feedback would be helpful

[John_W]

Hello all,
Going to make this quick and short. in 2004 I made the attempt to suicide. ( Will be graphic ) Broke up with a girl thought was my life. Put a .44 to my temple and pulled the trigger. The gun jammed. I took the bullet from that gun and Drove myself to the hospital and checked myself in. 2 Weeks I was there and they did NOTHING for me and I mean nothing. No therapy no nothing. They gave me Lexapro and Zyprexa. I gained 20 lbs. in 2 weeks HORRIBLE. Anyway stop taking both meds abotu 3 months later. Met another girl with a 8 month old Daughter. That I fell in love with. I am her "Daddy" acording to her she is now 4. Well long story getting short. On July 4th 2007 My Bio Father passed away and was creamated on July 5th by his Girlfriend. I was notified by his employer of his death on July 12th. So that was hard enough. We were never close. he was that every other weekend father for the first 2 years of my life then I saw him maybe a week a year cause my Stepfather(Dad) would take me on vacation to Florida to see him. 8/1/2007 lost my job. collecting unemployment I was still able to support my family. 9/20/2007 Got a speeding ticket 77 in a 35 ( Did not know it was 35) In Jersey its Mandatory loss of DL for 30 Days. 9/25/2007 found out that I am getting sued.Any way During my 31/2 year relationship we got engaged and had a beautiful son together. ( now 2 ) On 10/3/07 I sat there and watched her cheat on me. ( And I did nothing ) God knows I wanted but I didn't. Well long story she made me feel like **** saying that I don't see that she needs her space and that I should offer to take the kids more often. So I do. Well Juts to find out that she did that so she can meet up with the other guy. We got in a fight ( Verbal ) I said if you cant tell me the truth How can I trust you with my kids. ( BIG MISTAKE ) 48 hours later got served with a restraining order. Which was dropped if I agreed to  " Joint Legal Custody " and ever other weekend visits. But I dont get to see my little girl.....So needless to say I have every sign/sypm. of Suicide/Depression. Hopeless, Helpless, Hurt, Afraid, Sad, Empty ,Angry, loss of intrested, Anxiety, and Im lucky if I sleep for more than 2 hours a day. Well on 11/18/07 I was willing to end it. posted my poems on MYSPACE. Well one of my friends saw them and called the police. They came and took me to the hospital. Where they told me the next day I had 2 options 3 months in a ward, or Intense out patient. I went with the second one.  I know I need meds. I DO NOT want Zyprexa again. Any other thoughts suggestions? Oh If you would like to read my poems that I wrote you can view them on MYSPACE.COM/PIERCEDTONGUE   If you like them I would love a comment on them, Only thing keeping me sane right now. Thanks for your help.

John

[John_W]

She doesn't see the depression or anythig negative. She only see me the happy person with my son. That is wanting to spend as much time as I can with him. I really truly feel that she is using my daughter against me. My daughter is the one that told me about the other guy and once I brought that to her's attention she freaked out on me. Which she normally does when she knows she is wrong. I'm trying to love my life. My problem is I look at my son and I cry. missing my daughter. Like grieving over a lost daughte. Just nothing makes sense. I know the diff. between right and wrong. But i just dont care.  I fell horrible for thinking that and then that makes me feel worse. For example.... If some one was going to shoot my son I would stand in front of the bullet. To protect him.... But I can't see past my own issues.... I just dont get it. Not getting any help till monday which sucks even more. Everybody that is on this board either helping me or having there own problems are helping me...... Thank you

[uberadtx]

If nothing changes, nothing changes.  Its time to take steps to manuever yourself into a better situation.  You are soo caught up in this you can't even see straight, forget about thinking straight.  I never said you were selfish about anything.  I just think you are in your own way at the moment.  I understand your depression.  Its OK to feel that way.  The pain lessens eventually but only if you make the first move.  Get busy living.  The minute she sees you making strides is the moment her tune is going to change.  She is merely reacting to your bahavior.  You want to see your daughter? Make it happen with standing up to walk in that direction.  The rest will all fall into place.  I wouldn't say it if I didn't know it.  Keep us posted.

[Jay_Jay]

no girls ever worth killin youself for...Im a nice guy so I get treated like **** by girls but the good thing is I have friends and family that make me laugh when i pissed and sad...im pretty sure everyone has those..John plus you got your kids to think about

[John_W]

Thank you both for your input.

uberadtx: I am thankful that I had a friend. But my feelings to me do not feel selfish. I have been told to be the better parent. After 48 hours of a break up she already has this new guy in my kids lives. Which I know is hurtful to them. My daughter that I do not get to see tells her mom that she miss's Daddy, and she blows her off. I can only imagine what is going on with my son. I know She does not talk to my son before my visit. You know like preparing or acting excited which again I think is harmful. I truly feel in my heart that if " I were to leave this world " it would be to show her that people get hurt by her actions. Since she will not listen to me verbaly maybe it would open her eyes...I want whats best for my child. But If over the years it doesnt matter how good of a job I do he will still see the hurt and the pain and the seperation caused by his mother. Again I know that it is a " What if " Sure I love her and I always will. Deep down I truly feel that she is my soulmate.... Something that I have never believed in. I know also that I can only try my hardest to be a good father.... But that really seems like a cop out for me. It's like saying that if my son turns out like his mother, I can turn around and say I did my best..... thats not good enough for me.   He needs to be the best. Everything action that I have done is for my children. Of course there is a Gag order that she holds over my head so I can't make her feel like ****. But I love my kids more than life itself. But again I am no use to them if I cant get a job, or I am always depressed. That's not fair to them to witness or go thru. I know either is knowing that there father offed him self. I just wish I knew the future. So I can make the right choice. I know that the parents are suppose to take the pain so that the children don't have to experoence it.  But what if it is doing more bad then good. Maybe not even offing myself as a way out. Maybe  signing my visitation away and just finacialy supprt him. I don't know. All I did today was cry. I look at my son and I cry missing my daughter. I feel like I should be at a gravesite for her. I can forgive my Ex for the pain that she puts me thru. But I cannot forigve her for the pain that I feel she is causing my kids harm. Only communication I am to have with her is VIA email and that is only regarding my son. And of course anything that I bring up about the new boyfriend her attorney will turn it into harrassment. It's like a no win situation. I have no more money for legal fees so I am doing everything Pro Se. So if there are any attorney's out there that want to throw me a bone would be great. but with that being said. I am VERY DEPRESSED not suicidal at the moment. I really just want the  pain to stop. There is only so much that a person can take.

[uberadtx]

Well John, you have had quite a year.  Its no wonder you have crashed and burned.  The good news is that everything happened swiftly, the bad news is that it has caught up with you and now the hard part comes.  You are lucky to have a friend who cares enough to save your life.  It may anger you now and you might not appreciate the action, but days will pass and you will look at that person differently.  I encourage you to make a commitment to the intensive outpatient. This may be your only chance and it is being handed to you.  Take that hand out and don't let go.  Your life is going to change and at this point, nothing can get worse. Think about it.  You were on the precipice of leaving your children fatherless. Without someone they would ever know and your only legacy to them are a handful of poems on a website.  You have the chance to get better and be the father, friend and lover you always hoped to be.  My advice, "put on your seltbelt, its going to be a bumpy night".  You seem coherent by the way you have articulated your situation and that is your strength right now.  Being receptive to treatment is the best hope professionals have when dealing with people who are ill.  You have had a taste of one way the medical community handles your illness but it is certainly not the standard across the board.  You are well within your rights of a human being AND patient that you don't have to take the meds suggested.  Merely telling them that the last round of meds were ineffective seems to suffice most doctors.  Only you can truly gauge how you feel and what your goals are in treatment. I would cross zyprexa and lexapro off the list and try something different.  No one is going to spoon feed you cures so you have to educate yourself about everything and more importantly, listen.  Listen to what they tell you and process it.  Take as much time as you need.  Keep writing!  Write volumes if necessary. Come back to this forum.  The discussion constantly changes and people are honest about their experiences.  You may identify with something that will lead you to understand a little more about where you have been, where you are now and where you are going.  Do not allow anyone to make you feel something without your consent. Remember, professionals are human and most of them have not walked 10 feet on the road you are on. Varying illneses carry stigmas but don't pay attention to that ****.  In general, most and I mean MOST people have no idea what its like to have the feelings you have, the thoughts you think or the lack of both for that matter.  Words only convey so much so try not to get frustrated and don't give in or give up.  There is light out there even when you can't see it.  Keep me posted on your thoughts and what happens.

[justlikeyou]

the only thing i can say is that everything changes, there will come a time when you feel hopeful and free again

when im down about relationships i try to remeber that

as long as i dont hurt anyone im doing good.

people can be mean, i dont want to be like that.

there are some amazing people in this world,

be one of them. .