Fleeting Suicidal Thoughts

[JKJ]

I've been severely depressed for a very long time and today am having what I call fleeting suicidal thoughts.  By that I mean out of nowhere I will get an intense feeling of being very suicidal....and after several minutes it goes away.  It's very disturbing and scary.
I'm not on any ADs (none of them work)...therapist just today talked me into taking Buspar for anxiety.  I don't like meds...too many bad experiences.
My main dx is PTSD and chronic major depression.
I just feel really alone with these horrible thoughts and needed to share.  thanks.

[omanlover]

dear i really want to thankyou for being brave!
i feel the same , i try once to sucide! what scarr me, is that i do not feel sorry for that! i hardly confence my self that i want to live! i then start lookimg for reason why  i have too! why god forbid us from attemping such a thing! it take me so long to get an answer!
in sever moment of depression, i do loss my faith in  my belives !
but in such case i do retun to my diary!
write one last  letter to the stupid unfair word!
then i read it loadly! when i lessen to my self, i realise how wrong i am!
then i feel better  litle!

although the bad  quenseqence of my first sucide attempt! no one of me  family_which is really big- do ask what happen! they do not know i was tring to kill me self!
it is my first time to addmit it  in public! it is very relivable to admit ! thank you for giving me the strength to do so!i do not feel lone anymore!at lest for the main time!
it really strange how  other people me affect our life without knowing so!
wish you the best
zina

[JKJ]

thanks for responding...i've also had previous suicide attempts, a couple of serious ones--it is definitely a scary place to be.
i just get to these points where everything is just too much to handle and i want out.  i get tired.  tired of the constant fight.

[RicardoODurnin]

I agree with Lonewolf07, I have also attempted suicide twice unsuccessfully, I suffer from major depression, some times I can not leave my bed for an entire month.
I work for myself setting up and maintaining salt water fish.
What took me over the wall last time was first the frustration of the meds not working, they have been trying to find something that works for me unsuccessable for more than three years, second I lost some customers because I could not show up to do the job for several days and third because I have been suicidal all my life.
This last time I decaided to take fifty pills of assorted antidepresants, I woke up in a hospital in the middle of my stomach been pumped, after that they lock me up for a week under suicide watch.
When all was said and done I had to realize that the only thing that I achive was to make my life even worst. I lost more customers that week becouse been locked up I could not work.
My bills got even more late and on top of that I end up with huge extra bills from the hospital and the ambulance.
And the ironic thing is that after they can of stabiliz me that week I felt better even thoug I made everything worst around me.
I have now a psichaestry that see me once a month but I also have individual therapy once a week and also grup therapy once a week.
I hope you look for a good support grupe like that, it made a huge difference in my life and it can do the same for you.
Also remember that you are not married to your therapists, if you are not comfortable with them or you think they do not give you enough attention change them, good luck.

[lonewolf07]

For what it's worth I've been suicidal since I was a child.  I tried it once and it was so bad I never want to try it again.  Having said that, I still feel suicidal; in fact, I feel that way right now which is why I responded to your post.  It is "disturbing and scary."  Sometimes it seem like the only way out; the only way to kill the pain.

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but even though suicide can seem appealing at times, it is still a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  I have so many "issues" I couldn't write them all down here.  PTSD is one of them.

Can't tell you what to do when you feel suicidal (except don't give in to those feelings).  Sometimes suicidal thoughts indicate that you are on a path to healing - you want to "kill" your painful thoughts but not your entire self.   Just hang on.  Do whatever you have to do to get through them.

Your experiences with your therapists sound rather awful - both of them leaving right in the middle of your therapy.

I can only offer you prayers and good thoughts.

lonewolf

[JKJ]

Thanks for responding...I just saw my therapist today...but we aren't on a regular schedule and I'm not schedule to see her again until early June.  I was in the middle of trauma processing for my PTSD when my other therapist up and left for 2 weeks!!!  My primary therapist was also on vacation the past 2 weeks...so I've been a wreck.

I've been dx with the major depression for about 11 years.

[ParamedFlorena]

One of the first things my psychologist told me was that after sessions I'd probably feel I'd touched into topics that weren't supposed to be touched. I'm sorry you're having a tough day. It's strong to cope a major depression without meds. Admirable. Yeah, I know... When someone told me I was strong I wanted to ask them to go hide a while until I was over with my tantrum... It's not all times there are many options.
How often do you see your therapist? How long have you been diagnosed with the major depression?

Florena