Can anyone help me with my compulsive shopping?

[Gaga4gaga]

Hello all...
Please bear with me as this may get a little lengthy. I truly feel overwhelmed and desperate with a lot of issues going on in my life currently. Firstly, i am in my 40s and married for 22 years to the same man. I am a child of divorce and the youngest of 6 children but the only child from my parents marriage. I have always felt like the black sheep in my family as I am very intelligent and successful and my siblings are NOT. My husband and I  have one daughter that will be 22 soon. I am a high school teacher/college professor. For many years I have dealt with depression and compulsive shopping and eating/over exercising as well. For the past 4 years, I have felt like my life is spiraling out of control. I also suffer from severe lower back pain that has taken over my life for the past decade. In the past, when I felt the urge to shop I would just go play tennis or exercise. But It was always to the extreme for me.. I would exercise for hours so I could go home and binge eat. I can no longer do that as my back pain wont allow me to. I have gained a lot of weight and now I feel so depressed and I shop and shop and shop endlessly. When I get upset or bored I find myself shopping for VERY expensive items. I have spent over 50k in the past two years on shoes and handbags... I cannot seem to stop shopping even when I know it will upset my husband. He has threatened to leave me and I still shop and hide it from him. I know I have very unhealthy views of food and shopping and low self esteem. I have a hard time making and keeping friends. The only true friends I have are my mother and my loyal husband. I know I need to get my life together before its too late and I lose my retirement from over spending and my husband. Advice is highly welcome.

[specialmom]

That's the heart of addiction, when something is used to avoid or soothe emotions.  Is therapy possible?

[Gaga4gaga]

I have tried counselors and LCSW counseling. Do you think I need a psychiatrists? OR what type of doctor do you think would truly benefit me?

[specialmom]

So, I have a personal opinion that a psychiatrist IS best in a situation like yours.  You are dealing with a complex issue of addiction, depression and anxiety.  There are subspecialties within psychiatry so there are some that specialize in eating disorders, there are some that deal with OCD and things like compulsive spending and there are some that deal with addiction.  But since you are dealing with a lot of things, I wouldn't worry about a specialty psychiatrist.  And then from there, look for a psychologist.  Often they work directly with the psychiatrist and you can find them in the same office and sometimes you'll find one that fits your needs separately.  So, do some research about who is in your area and what their focus is.  Let me know what you find out!  

[Paxiled]

For me, I turned to a psychiatrist when after 7 years of therapy my agoraphobia kept getting worse.  My psychologist told me it was time for medication.  My own view is, if your life is so disrupted by your illness that you just can't function in life very well, medication is probably going to be necessary to stabilize the situation.  If you're functioning okay but just very unhappy, then a psychologist is probably a better place to start because if therapy works, the problem goes away, whereas medication can be difficult to take and stop taking and doesn't actually cure the problem, it just tamps down the symptoms. I think in my case I waited too long to go on medication, because by the time I did the problem had greatly intensified.  I think from what you're saying here, you've already tried too antidepressants and they didn't work.  Both were of the more stimulating variety, which can cause some anxiety.  In your case where you manifest your unhappiness in compulsive behavior, you might find less stimulating forms of antidepressants more helpful, though only trial and error will tell.  On the other hand, Cymbalta is now being used for pain control, which is why you might have been put on that one.  Also, I now suffer from chronic pain.  I exercised my way into it because that was my drug of choice, and my difficulty sleeping made that more than my aging body could handle.  I have never been so depressed in my life than now, because I just hurt all the time and don't know what to do or not do.  But because I'm going through this, what I can tell you is, when they start telling you it's this and then it's that or maybe this and that, it means they have no clue why you're hurting.  In other words, it's not from your discs or your nerves necessarily.  Most often pain is muscular -- even if you do have a spine that isn't optimal that's not usually where the pain is coming from.  For me, my neck is really off and I probably need surgery and don't want to do this stuff anymore but before that I had pain and specialists always came down to there being no real reason for it being that bad.  That's when they start talking about fibromyalgia and central nervous system disorders, which is just another way to say it's coming from hypersensitive signals from your neurotransmitters.  In my case, the cause is known -- I had a severe reaction to stopping a medication that triggered all this and nobody knows how to fix it.  But if you can tamp down the way your body is reacting, it might just work.  There was a friend I had on another forum here who unfortunately got booted off, but he had a terrible back problem and desperately wanted surgery.  Because of a blood clotting problem, his doctors wouldn't do it for him, but he discovered a PT program and one of those devices that lets you rest upside down, and at 70 years old he was back in the gym 5 days a week lifting weights.  Which is just to say, if you look long enough, there might just be something out there that resets your pain.  I wish you the best of luck finding it.  And just for a little humor, when I was a graduate student in political science, one of my professors said one of the most enlightening things I've ever heard about academic institutions -- he said we shouldn't be wasting our time and energy studying gov't, if we wanted to see how politics really worked we should just study the faculty and administration at academic institutions.  I hope you don't give up on something you love to do, but do hope you find a better place to do it at.  Peace.  

[Paxiled]

Sorry, meant to add, in my experience, seeing social workers is a waste of time when you have a difficult mental illenss.  They are very lightly trained and mostly train in how to handle practical problems people get bogged down with in life.  They're not so good at diagnosing depression and OCD and anxiety disorders, so I'd recommend for the therapy that you see a psychologist who specializes in anxiety treatment (most don't).  They have the most thorough training in psychology, which doesn't necessarily make them the best therapists but does give you a better chance they've gotten into the weeds on the different ways your problem can be treated.  Psychiatrists learn the little psychology they study generally from psychologists who teach at medical schools.  Again, best of luck.

[Gaga4gaga]

Thank you so much for your response. I greatly appreciate your feedback. I too know how awful it is to expericene chronic pain and to be told its in your head.  I have had many MRIs and CT scans and they cannot pin what is causing my back pain but mine is often so bad i cannot bend over to get my shoes on in the morning. Also, mine just seems to move around a lot.. sometimes its in my back, then my hips, then my shoulders and often times my neck. I have had several doctors suggest that I may have fibromyalgia and that is why I was put on Cymbalta which was a nightmare for me. I noticed that it made me buy compulsively and I had zero conscious about over spending while on it. It was a nightmare to wean off of and I don't think it helped me any. The best medication for mine that I have found is monic and trammadol. If I take one a night before bed most nights I can get 5-6 hours of sleep at the max...without it I am lucky to get 3-4... I feel like a walking zombie some days. I am so sorry that you are going through this as well. I am looking around for the right doctors this week to help me try to get some semblance of my life back in order. And you are absolutely correct about the politics at my workplace. I guess if I was a worse professor I wouldn't have these problems.. it's all because I'm on the tenure track and she is not...By the way, the department chair adores me and thinks I'm brilliant :) so its not my boss...

[Gaga4gaga]

sorry mobic

[Paxiled]

This why I mentioned the Cymbalta and the Wellbutrin -- they are intentionally stimulating and are known to cause some people to do compulsive things, most often gambling and shopping for some reason.  And of course the class of drugs Cymbalta is in, the snris, are along with Paxil the hardest for most people to stop taking.  I had a back like yours, but for me it went away at that level fairly quickly and the PT I was taught to do was quite extensive, too extensive, but over time it did work and my lower back wasn't a problem again until recently.  Again for me, an old auto accident apparently caused a deterioration in my cervical spine, so I know my neck is messed up, but it didn't really bother me until after stopping Paxil permanently destroyed my nervous system.  So I get what you're going through in that area.  But if the pain is moving around, I'm even more inclined to think it's connected to your mental state.  Depression and anxiety can be caused by long-term pain, but can also cause it.  The body will try to put stress somewhere it can close off.  I've never personally turned to drugs to help me sleep, probably because they've never been recommended to me and because eventually they can stop working and make the problem worse, but you gotta do something.  I wish I could help you with your colleague -- I'd say try to form a relationship and and alliance with the person.  It's pretty much all you can do if you want to stay at the job and you can't get rid of the person.  You've probably already tried that, though.

[Gaga4gaga]

Yes, I realized upon researching cymbalta after I noticed my spending that it was a terrible idea for me to have begun taking it. To clarify, my lower back always hurts, like pins and needles and stabbing shooting pains BUT I also have other pains that seems to migrate and I very easily pull muscles frequently that will make me hurt for days on end. My therapist did suggest that it may be pain and depression related but I was not depressed until I stopped being able to exercise or sleep normally. In fact, Ive always liked to shop but I never had what I would call a shopping addiction until I began taking the Cymbalta. I have tried being friendly with the co-worker I mentioned and she is just not having it. She is quite nasty and not just to me. I have decided that I am definitely seeking a new job. I am hoping to get my mental state and pain under control so I can make a fresh start.

[Paxiled]

Maybe, and this is just a shot in the dark, if you know the Cymbalta gave you this shopping thing, and again, it has done this to many people, if you can internalize that and stop judging yourself for it maybe it will just taper off.  This is basically how anxiety therapy works when it does work, it isn't all at once but over time as you gain confidence.  Just a thought.  As for the pain you're describing, this may be another shot in the dark, but it sounds like an electrolyte imbalance, possibly magnesium or potassium deficiency.  Antidepressants and anti-anxiet medication interferes with magnesium absorption, and because of this often causes muscle pain and cramping and nerve pain in people as that's what magnesium in part does in the body.  When I first started taking antidepressants I started getting muscle cramps, so I started supplementing with magnesium before going to bed and it stopped that problem.  How's you diet?  Did you keep well hydrated and make sure you ate antioxidant rich foods and electrolyte balanced foods when you were exercising?  Some people also create a magnesium problem by overconsuming dairy, which is very high in calcium but deficient in magnesium.  Especially in the US we were taught to drink a lot of milk and stuff ourselves with dairy, but that wasn't good nutrition, it was advertising by the gov't and the dairy industry to sell more dairy.  It worked very well, but was a contributor to the osteoporosis problem that arose.  Just some ideas to throw out there.  

[Paxiled]

What you haven't told us is what you've done to try and treat the depression and what you've tried to treat the back pain.  Lower back pain is pretty common in humans, but it usually goes away.  Sometimes it needs treatment, but often that treatment can be just physical therapy for awhile and changing up what activities you do.  It seldom means you have to totally give up all forms of exercise.  So tell us what you've tried so far to break out of your illness, as you say it's gone on for years now.  Maybe someone can then offer something you haven't tried that might have helped them.  I'd also ask if you're on any medications -- some of them have been associated with compulsive behaviors like spending and gambling, for example.

[Gaga4gaga]

I have gone through PT 4 times as well as aquatic therapy. I have seen a neurologist and had a spinal  denervation of the past 8 years and nothing has helped at all. I have also tried many pain medicines and they work as long as I am up and moving around. As soon as I sit or lay down the pain begins to intensify and usually keeps me up most of the  night. I truly stay exhausted. I even had a total hysterectomy 2 years ago because my gyro said it was endometriosis related.  I have tried cymbals and welbutrin and those only seem to make me spend more. I have seen a counselor and LCSW therapist for awhile and I have journaled before as well. I STILL CANNOT STOP SPENDING or BINGE EATING. I did notice that my behavior greatly intensified after I was laid off of a job and when my last hope of aquatic therapy did not help me any. My neurologist has now referred me to another doctor for testing thinking I may have RA or fibromyalgia.

[Gaga4gaga]

@paxiled
I have never dealt with any form of agoraphobia and I can only imagine how hard that would be to deal with. I actually love large crowds and feel very comfortable in them. I tend to be very uncomfortable in small intimate settings. I have am very opinionated and have a hard time not calling people out on their ignorance and hate. I do not enjoy being put on the "Spot" socially. I am also very selective about who I will socialize with. I have real issues with people who I deem ignorant and by that I mean not as intelligent or just culturally and socially dumb. I cannot be around racist or bigoted people. Where I live, that is the majority of the population. As a language teacher, I have lived in several other countries and truly appreciate other cultures and while I respect their views, it is very hard for me not to educate people on their ignorance.

[specialmom]

Hello,  Welcome to Med Help!  I'm sorry you are going through this.  That's really hard.  Spending money can indeed act like a drug as it masks some emotions often or we get a sense of euphoria when we are 'buying' and then come down after.  Emotional spending IS like emotional eating.  And you also describe an eating disorder which as you know can be really dangerous t your health.  The reason why I think you are so smart to take this so seriously is that you SEE the impact your actions have on your life, all negative and yet you can not make yourself stop.  I think eating and spending are two of the harder addictions because you always have to eat, you always have to buy things.  It's harder to go cold turkey.  I would say that getting a journal may help.  Look for triggers.  You already have identified boredom and being upset.  But journal when you get the urge or shop and what proceeded it. What could you change up?  How can you stop the pattern?  Get a plan in place that when you feel A, you do B and B has nothing to do with shopping or eating.  You would really benefit from a clinical psychologist that specializes in anxiety disorders.  And I think a 12 step program would help you too.  

I'm going to send you a friend invite.  I hope you stick around so I can get to know you and others can to to help support you. hugs

[Gaga4gaga]

Thank you! I have tried journaling before and that is where I noticed that I shop when I am bored or anxious and upset. I also find that my new job is very toxic to my mental health. I feel likeI am a total outcast. Not to be rude, BUT the majority of the faculty are not on my level of intelligence so I don't have much to talk to the about and I think this comes off as snobbish. I started working in another town  4 years ago about 30 minutest from where I live and I am NOT at all accepted as part of the faculty. I do not smell right apparently to them. It is very clique oriented here and most of the faculty are from here or related. I am too liberal. I also think many of the female faculty members are a little jealous of me as I am quite attractive and my husband makes a lot of  money. I also get along quite well with male faculty members as I do not find them catty or mean. Although, I don't usually have much time to socialize while at work. I have many times been excluded from social get togethers (All females).  I get asked all the time why I am working and people truly cannot comprehend that I teach because I love it but here lately I don't love it much at all as I am usually in pain in the mornings and have a hard time feeling good or ON through the day because I am so exhausted. I am considering quitting and just isolating myself to my family for awhile and maybe my self esteem will improve. BUT IF I QUIT I HAVE GOT TO STOP MY SPENDING. I can afford to quit but I am not sure if that is the right answer.

[specialmom]

Could you look elsewhere for a teaching gig?  Isolating worries me.  

[Gaga4gaga]

Yes, I have been offered a college level teaching job at a major university next fall. I am trying to decide if I want to take it or take some time off to get my life in order and seek some extensive therapy.

[Gaga4gaga]

I feel that my pain and the feeling of rejection that I get daily at work are greatly affecting my ability to cope with daily life. I used to look forward to going to work every day.. I have always had a special relationship with teenagers and my students. I am a very well respected in my area of expertise and have always made the highest evaluations for my teaching skills. I am very well loved by my students as I love them as well. Its my relationship with my colleagues that I seem to struggle with. I also should mention that there is one older teacher that teaches the same content that I teach who has hated me from day one. She is very threatened by the fact that I am younger and get better evaluations than she does. Also, the students love me and come to my for everything. She is the ringleader among the other female faculty members. They all follow her lead and she makes sure that I am totally excluded from all social activities. She is the classic MEAN GIRL but she's like 65!!! I just stay in my office and do my job.

[Gaga4gaga]

Also, just to clarify, at my old teaching job I had a huge circle of female friends that I would go out with an socialize almost weekly.

[specialmom]

Argh, that sounds like a bad memory from high school with your work colleagues.  How is your marriage?  How are friendships with others that you keep up and are busy with?  

Always a tough call to leave a job where there are good aspects to go to the unknown.  But your mental health is the most important thing.  Do you teach all summer?  Do you have a couple of less busy months coming up?  

With the shopping, can you surrender your credit cards?  Can you surrender your debit card?  Put your husband in charge and have him give you a set amount of cash for spending money each week while he handles all else?  See how that goes?

[specialmom]

Oh, and online shopping is a disaster for someone with a spending problem.  What about taking your credit card OUT of specific places that trigger you (amazon, ebay or online stores)----  removing it as a payment method.  So, then you will not be able to click and shop.  Just suggestions for trying to see if you could emotionally handle that or if this sends you into a funk or panic.  

[Gaga4gaga]

Summer is coming up in a month and I intend to seek some real help. I have absolutely made up my mind to leave my current position as it is a toxic work environment. My husband has taken all of my CC many times and gives me only cash and our debit which only had enough for groceries and necessities. I have a gas card etc... BUT I always find a way to shop... I buy and sell like crazy.. I am a collector.. I will buy the same item in multiple colors. I have over 15 chanel handbags and other high end designers. When I get desperate for money, i just sell one and continue to flip the funds around. I am not sure how to stop the cycle. I know I need some real help. I go home and binge eat many days as I am so sad  that it is the only thing that comforts me besides my dogs. I just lost my dad in August and my spending got even worse as we went through 2 years of his illness with dementia and alhzeimers. My husband and I are good EXCEPT for the spending. He is my rock and my best friend. I have a lot of acquaintances in life but not a lot of close friends. I am very close with my daughter and niece as well. I prefer to spend time with my family above all else.

[specialmom]

Regarding the job, yes.  Leave anything that is toxic.  And I commend you for this reach out for help.  The reason why I asked about friendships was because you mention that your current coworkers don't include you when they go do things and that you went out weekly with your last set of coworkers.  I'm a family person as well and often don't have the energy for much else but I was just trying to judge if it's really about this socialization, if you have others in your life that you do this with such as your personal friends.  I have friends who are super social and every week they do outings with people.  This is more of a special occasion thing for me (my kids are at an age in which I'm constantly doing either the mom taxi, helping with homework, etc. right now . . . wow, am I tired.  LOL).  

So, I really think you do need to find a psychiatrist/psychologist (both) who specializes in anxiety disorders.  You probably have a house full of stuff too if you are a collector.  That in itself can bring chaos into our life.  

You are off in a month.  Set up appointments NOW.  there can be a wait time to be seen .  so spend some time researching who you want to get an appointment with and give them a call.  Let me know how it goes!

[Gaga4gaga]

The real issue here at my current job is the main mean old lady who thinks that I am infringing upon her territory as I am already on tenure track and she has about ten more years than I do in experience but  my evaluations are always better than hers. She runs the department with an iron fist and many are afraid of her and because she hates me the others just seem to fall in line with her attitude and I simply don't have the energy to care. There are a few females that I do associate with at work but we do not hang out or socialize. I still have friends from my previous position but don't seem them often.  I am calling around today to try to get something set up soon. Thank you so much for your help. I truly feel like I am sinking. Let  me also clarify that I am not from where i currently live but my husband grew up here. I just do NOT fit in very well. I live in a very conservative small town and I am a world travelled person. I lived in Spain, Mexico and Costa Rica while I was in college getting my BA. I always feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I am a very liberal person who believes that everyone should be equal and loved. I hate the area where I live and would move in second but my husband just loves it and he says its just an excuse to run from my issues. BUT I TRULY hate where I live and have hated it since I married my husband but I love him so its the price I pay. Where we live and my shopping are the only issues my husband and I ever argue over. He will never move. I was popular in high school and had a lot of friends. I have not always had these socialization issues. Here lately i just want to isolate.

[specialmom]

Okay, I was trying to get a picture.  I am a home body more than a go out kind of girl but have really good friends that are the opposite (and a husband, ha).  So, I was trying to determine if you are longing to hang out and be out and about.  But overall, no one likes to feel like an outcast and different from everyone around them.  What about a book club or something where you can be yourself and find like minded people away from this work situation?  

Anyway, there is definitely no right or wrong way to be.  The bottom line is being peaceful inside and you are not.  So, working diligently on the shopping/ eating issue is an important step to gaining peace in your heart, soul and life.  hugs

[Paxiled]

I hope you get better and then get organizing.  Us liberals have got to start moving to places other than the big cities if change is going to happen.  But I get you.  My wife lives very far away from her aging parents because they chose to settle in a very conservative (and cold) small town.  I also live in a place that is not a good fit for me and I've been stuck here forever because I got agoraphobia after I moved here from the west coast, which is my peeps.   It's also true that those of use who suffer anxiety and/or depression can become very judgmental and rigid because we're scared, I think, and I also think we already had that in our personalities and that made us more prone to becoming anxious and depressed.  It's a very hard nut to crack.