Getting depressed again..thought it was gone a long time ago!!

[psychdegree]

I have bipolar but never really had bad depression with it. Years ago I did suffer from depression..just like a dark cloud following me, & I cant find happiness anywhere! I know theres been a lot of changes in my life, new job (7 months ago, a break up with my fiancé, (5mths ago), etc) but I just cant seem to see any kinda of silver lining like I use too. I had an event last week that really upset me. But even b4 then I felt it coming on but chose to ignore it & go on with my life & try not to cry & just push thru. I feel like all I do is go to work & come home, everyday. The weekends I hardly do anything, unless an event is planned, like a birthday or baby shower etc. & im 28! (well Saturday I will be..even more depressing of course for us ladies im sure) I’m not sure if it was bc I was so active when I was in a relationship and now all my friends are still in one and really don’t have time to just hang out with me. It just  seems like something bad always happens (or stressful) and not just bad but hurtful things, not the everyday someone is pissy at work..but family members stabbing me in the back or my only friend I was hanging out with talking serious crap behind my back that could actually change ppl’s view of me..which wasn’t true. But the main thing that kicked this in gear..made it worse I guess..is the visit with my psychiatrist Friday. (the back story) Some already know I was dependent on pain meds for this bursitis (now found to be pirimorfis syndrome where this muscle is in flamed in the hip and then compresses the sciatic nerve..so now its not just muscle pain but severe nerve pain), so I began to feel guilty for over taking my pain meds..which I know w my degree, guilt not dealt w causes depression. So after seeing my psychiatrist, who knew this next visit if my general doc was going to have to put me on pain meds while doing therapy for help w the compression, so that I could function. My GP did a series of test & weve tried steroids, muscle relaxers, even supplements to see if I could try everything except for going back on the pain meds. In the end my GP decided to put me on them until we get this under control. Even making a plan for me. So I go in to see my psych I have been seeing for 7 years, & have been completely honest with, esp within the past 2 months about everything. We begin with everything normal we talk about w my meds, and he ask about the pain meds, b4 I could get more than “yes he wants me to take them” he started to go into a rant as if I were a crack head he had never met! He actually said the only ppl who need to be on narcotic pain meds (vicodene etc) are ppl who have cancer or r terminally ill..thats all! He Put me down, made me feel horrible for being in pain (YES I know pain meds are not what anyone, much  less docs think is right) but not only that, but he never changes my meds drastically, only 1 at a time (yet I told him I was extremely sleepy bc of being on now the name brand name seroquel not the generic & was cutting it in half) he said do that, cut my neurontin & my valium took me off flexiril (which I hardly take bc it makes me sleepy) he said  he was doing this bc I was sleepier! I feel so awful about that…I cant believe he did that to me. When he changes my meds its always 1 at a time bc HE says he doesn’t wonna change to much at once. Now im scared I may have an bipolar episode bc he I guess doesn’t like what I came in & told him. Im sorry this is so long, & if you feel that ppl shouldn’t be on pain meds, I understand, I do too (after going thru it and hearing all the storys) if something else helped and I didn’t try all with other meds/therapy. I just don’t know how to get passed any of this! I feel like I just wonna crawl in a hole and never come out! Im in pain, don’t wonna take meds, need to made to feel bad about it, diff docs say different things.  I have no one to talk to or who understands! Idk I just need a comforting ear! Please

[psychdegree]

well thank you! my family plans to cook out since its beginning of fall. So hopeing for a new beginning! at least 1 day of no pain or worry! Be blessed

[nursegirl6572]

Well, happy early birthday!  Try to do something nice and enjoy your day!  Take a day off from the normal stresses if possible!  :0)

[psychdegree]

Thank you both! This helped so much to simply know some1 at least understands all this (nursegirl he changed ALL but 2 of the 6 meds I'm on! Not 1 at a time like he use to. he never mentioned changing anything but the seroquel, bc I said I didn't need as much I was sleeping better & was over tired the Nex day, until I opened my mouth & barely got the words..yes I'm still on pain meds...so I think that may b throwing me in a tail spin & I'm too scared now to call & tell him after the way he acted) so this is a tricky puzzle to put back together right. Plus idk where to begin now that my psych doesn't seem to be supportive at all. I c my hip doc next week & tell him all of this & get his opinion. But pray for me..maybe soon ill be back to myself. My bday is Saturday..ill be 28..was hoping a new year I could start it out right..will see

[nursegirl6572]

Hi there!  I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time.

While I don't agree with the manner in which your PCP spoke to you, I agree with some of the things he said.  Certainly there ARE people with chronic pain issues that need some kind of narcotic pain medication to be part of their pain management regimen. However, when a person has abused their script, taking more than prescribed, and definitely displaying problems with addiction, pain meds become a very slippery slope for that person.  

As for your other meds, your psych is very wise to only make changes to one med at a time.  When changes are made to more than one med at a time, it becomes impossible to assess what's going on and which med is the culprit.  It's hard to evaluate the effectiveness and pin down which med is the cause of any adverse reactions.

I wish I had a solid, fool proof plan to tell you to follow, but it's definitely complicated.  You have more than one thing that needs addressed, yet at the same time, your legit issues (ie, pain) are making it so you can't really thoroughly do that.  I would advise you to continue trying anything you can to get the pain managed with as little pain meds as possible, working toward no narcotic medication for pain at all.  

I know we discussed this before, in the addiction community, but remember too, that often times the very meds a person is taking for pain often causes the perception of MORE pain.  Hyperalgesia is a condition where the long-term use of strong pain medications actually makes his or her baseline pain WORSE.  Until a person is completely off those pain meds for a period of time (usually a couple of months minimum), it's impossible to fairly and accurately evaluate the TRUE level of pain.

http://www.painphysicianjournal.com/2011/march/2011;14;145-161.pdf

You've been through a lot, and while I know you have to manage and address the pain, I think because you haven't really FULLY addressed the addiction, you can't really address the other stuff.  It's hard because all of these issues are intertwined, the pain, the addiction, the depression, etc.  So, essentially, you kind of get stuck in limbo, which I'm sure is very frustrating.  You WANT very much to fix these issues, but are feeling "stuck" in a lot of respects.  

Keep working on everything, and find some people in your life who you can lean on for the emotional support you need.  Therapy is vital too.  You need all the support you can get.  You know we're here for you...and are pulling for you.  You're in my thoughts.

[remar]

I can only give you my opinion and I think your Pdoc is wrong. I completely agree that any med should not be abused, you also agree with that. My sister has RA and I've seen her sit and scream and cry because she was in so much pain. She does not have cancer and she is not terminally ill. The meds are a savior for when she does have flare ups though.
You were truthful with your Pdoc and that's a good thing. It's a shame he made you feel so awful about having to take meds when your pain is really bad though.
I don't know much about this condition. I do know that's I've had sciatica before and it was so painful! You've tried several different things but have you tried a good chiropractor yet? You never know, it may give you some relief.
We're always here to listen and help in anyway we can.