I'm stuck in the dark. Need urgent help - Suicide risk

[Kane090]

Hi - I am trying to find out what's wrong with me and it is hard to explain.

For a few years I've been depressed. I've given up with the world and I hate everyone and everything that I used to enjoy. It feels like I don't have any emotions in my body. I have been on anti-depressants but that didn't do anything to me. I'm always fighting with my girlfriend at the moment and I don't know what's happening. I'm too depressed to even bother to attempt suicide again. I don't trust her any more and I'm always suspicious of her motive as she has let me down before by breaking my promises that I NEVER break. I don't even think I can carry our relationship on as I'm so paranoid and jealous. I put myself so down and I usually hurt myself because of that. I always say I'd like to slit her throat because of what she's done. Makes me so angry and like why should I carry on caring? But I do love her with all my heart and never will I do anything to hurt me.

I feel like I change moods often and the motivation in my life has gone. I just wish I could end all the pain and misery going on in my life at the moment because it's just becoming too much.

[nursegirl6572]

You sincerely need to seek professional help.  What meds have you tried and how long were you on them?  Have you tried therapy?

As far as your relationship, it's hard to give you advice about that, with so little details.  Were you always paranoid and jealous?  Did something happen to make you that way?  Do you feel your depression is affecting how you're acting in your relationship?  Many people with depression have lost relationships over it, which is why it is essential to try to help yourself.  

Sitting at home, feeling no emotion, not caring, giving up, is a sign you need help.  But YOU have to do it...it takes work.  There is plenty of help out there...you have to seek it out.  A lot of depression treatments are largely trial and error, it may take you trying a few different meds to find one that really works for you.  Also, I don't know how long you were on the meds you tried, but they take some time to work.  All too often, people throw the towel in without giving them a fair shake.  Therapy is crucial too.

The choice is yours...you don't HAVE to live like this..you can change this, with some time, some help, and some work on your part.  It goes without saying, if you EVER feel like you're going to harm yourself, you need to seek help immediately.  You can't get better and enjoy your life if you're not here.  There's ALWAYS an answer, suicide is NEVER it.

[Kane090]

I tried something beginning with C - I was on it for a few weeks.

I can remember a good friend being a backstabbing deceitful person. He slept with someone I really fancied and locked me out of my own bed and had sex with her in my house. Maybe that's why,plus me and my girlfriend are long distance.  

[Anneinside]

As to the medication, perhaps it was cymbalta, but that's not really what is important. What is important is that you were "on it for a few weeks". Most antidepressants take 4 to 8 weeks to become effective. Did you give the drug the time it needed to become effective? If you continue to be depressed then think about giving drugs another try.... and give it enough time to work.

[Kayannaboo]

If you are having these thoughts about your girlfriend, I would suggest that for your sake and hers you keep your distance from her. In this time apart, you may attempt to seek answers about yourself as to the cause of these feelings or lack there of. This means that professional help is required and is actually a major factor if you wish to transition. You are not leaving her and she is not leaving you but you say you love her so this is what is best.

Alot of persons believe depression to be sadness and anger ONLY but often enough its numbness too. I think of it as you feel so much that you just stop, you close off. Anger and sadness is bad but numbness is scary as there is no telling what you might do. My concern is that you may have developed another mental disorder in additon to your depression and that may have caused the severe paranoia and strange thoughts.

There is no way of knowing for sure what is going on unless you contact a psychiatrist. The worse part about having a disorder or illness is NOT knowing what it is. When we are aware of our issues we can then solve them and turn them into something that we can actually use.

Please take good care and post anytime!

xoxoxoxo Anna