Hate

[Kylers_mommy]

So I don't guess this is really a question. Just looking for some advice, or maybe just a friend.. Or someone who can tell me what my problem is; I have been told I have traits of borderline personality disorder, and depression, as well as manic depressive episodes...whatever kind of box they want to put me in I guess...I could really care less....
Here's the story--
My life is going down the shitter...
I'm a 21 year old female, and have a problem.
Well many.
Let's start off, I'm negative, because everytime I am positive, **** don't go how it should, and being positive about life proves a waste.
I try to be positive from time to time when I look at my dear son, who is almost a year old...
But this problem goes back to my childhood, far back as I can remember...
And has plagued me ever since..
I really never had many interests, I would try things, and adapt to act like I truly enjoyed them, since everyone else seemed to...when really I could care less..
Kept myself busy with a life I really didn't enjoy...
I did everything how I wanted others to perceive me, as a fun loving, happy positive, fun, funny, smart girl.
In reality. I didn't know who I really was or what I was about. I changed my appearance often, and whenever a new friend would come along I tried to be like them...
I have always seen myself as boring.
No real interests, opinions, or ideas...i made myself what I wanted to be seen as....
Back to now, I have identity issues obviously.
I dont see the point in life, the everyday going to work, school, making $ buying ****.....
Just seems like such a waste to me!! I am a Christian. But have nothing I desire to do...
I'm not sure where all this stemmed from. But I go from my pretend world, where **** is "good" even though my actions and words in that time feel fake... I pretend to have a blast, doing whatever, even though I really wish that I was.....
I just cannot seem to get out of this rut. I hate everything and have a bad additide on life, I feel like I've tried everything to change it.
As of now. I have to drag myself out of bed. I have been dealing with some sort of digestion issues for 3 years, with no diagnosis, and no medical insurance.--it has me quite debilitated as I vomit daily...and over all feel terrible...24/7
I'm supposed to start school in 2 weeks, but I don't even want to go...
My boyfriends family and I butt heads(we live with them) everyone thinks I'm crazy and all my stomach issues are in my head...which makes me even more depressed...
My credit *****, I have no job, and highly out I could keep one now since I feel so unwell...also the fact that I couldn't really care less about working and making $.
I wish everyday that god would let me just not wake up one day....
The only thing keeping me from literally letting myself do something stupid is my son. But even I feel mad at god for giving me such a good reason to stay on this planet...
Please help. Why do I have no desire or drive?? Why do I not put in effort to help myself!? I let things fall apart, almost on purpose!
I threw the towel in forever ago, and I don't think I can get it back...
Antidepressants don't work for me anymore. I am beginning to get more and more angry...at everything... I'm destroying my own life. But how can I not? When I don't want a life at all?

[mandy876]

i have been through a lot sounds like you have to but you are so young.  i know it is hard but you need to go to peter smith hosp. they do have good doctors and you  dont have to have insurance.  you sound so unhappy. you have a good reason to live just think of your son and get your self well maybe if you feel better you can get your ged get a job in what you enjoy most chikd care is good you can even keep your chikd with you and you will find lots of kids that need love too.  god bless you but please do get help.     gloria789

[remar]

Stomach issues are very common with depression and anxiety. I'm just getting over gastritis because of some very stressful events in my life. So, you are not making this up and It would be great if people understood that. I would suggest though that you get checked out by a Dr for possible GERD or an ulcer. Either one of these can be treated with food changes and meds.
I think you let things fall apart because it's what you expect and you don't want to be disappointed yet again.
Your very young, have a child and so much to live for. But, I do completely understand depression. The anger, no drive, the physical symptoms.
Are you seeing a counselor or Dr right now, are you on any meds for your depression? With you being a single mom you should be able to get some assistance as far as medical treatment. I highly recommend that.
We're here to support and help you any way we can.