I'll start by saying, im very scared to commit suicide, but i think about it every day but as of now im not going to do it, im just way too terrifed. I just came out of CAMH (best hospital in toronto for mental health), ive been there before, they can never help me. I have tried all medications (ssris, snris, anti psychotics), nothing helps. I did a course of ECT while I was there and it didn't help me.
The odd reason for my depression is my insomnia. I have had crippling severe insomnia since I was 5 years old. I dont know if it was trauma, i dont know what caused it but i havent slept since I was 5, literally. I usually go 4 or 5 days with no sleep then pass out for 12 hrs on the 6th day. It's been a pattern my entire life. It's always been due to severe anxiety, anxious ruminating thoughts. My psychiatrist is one of the best in probably all of canada, and its sad that he just shrugs his shoulders when i go to see him. He tells me hes already tried every medication possible, he doesnt know what else to do for me. I learned to deal with the insomnia till I was 21. Then i started taking seroquel and it FINALLY helped me sleep, I was up to 600 mg just for sleep, then it stopped working and also gave me tremors. I had to get off because the tremors got so bad and I wasnt sleeping anymore. I have spent the last 10 months in pure hell weening off this drug, the withdrawls got so bad. I havent slept AT ALL in the past 10 months. My insomnia has gone back to how it was before the seroquel, but now its come with depression. Before I dealt with the insomnia, i had accepted it because it was al i knew, I was pretty much born with it. Now that I know how it was to sleep well on seroquel, I feel like i want to die everyday i cant sleep, which is literaly everyday. Today i have so much body pain, i guess im still in withdrawal a little after 10 months, but the insomnia, Im done, i cant deal with it any longer. Anyone that sees me calls me a raccoon, everyone says they have never seen anyone with such black dark circles under their eyes, i honestly think i might have the worst case of insomnia in the world, my psychiatrist told me im the worst case he's ever had. Everyday is a battle to get through and then i lie awake.
The ONLY thing that is helping me and gives me a reason to live another day is clonazapam. But im more afraid of addiction then I am of death. I work with drug addicts in my career, its a terrible, terrible reality. Ive been taking clonazpam to fall asleep for the past 2 weeks, and it helps somewhat. On my days off work, (3 days a week) i dont take but i dont sleep even a minute and the suicidal thoughts come back. All my doctor says is yup you'll end up addicted, but he offers nothing else to help. Ive tried zopiclone and it does nothing for me. I tried double the max dose.
Anyway, I know none of you can help me as I sit here alone and crying my eyes out, but I realize my only option is to be addicted to clonazapam. Ive spent the last 10 months in hell on earth, i cant do it any longer. I realize i need to take it everyday because being off it for 3 days is creating way too much insomnia. So im 28 yrs old, Im taking 1mg at night, in my mind im thinking i'll take 1mg and get myself through a year and if i need to up the dose and be a drug addict, thats when the decision to end my life will have to be thought of. Right now i need relief, its the only thing i can turn to. I already sound dependant to a drug, it makes me so miserable. Seroquel withdrawl was the worst thing ive ever experienced in my life, its been 10 months of pain, sucidal thoughts, a struggle to get out of bed, isolation and i held in there thinking once the drug was out of my system i'll be fine. I forgot there was a reason i started seroquel.
Btw, I am thinking about EMDR therapy for trauma. It's the only type of therapy i havent tried and i dont know if talking about my past will help my insomnia. hell i can live with depression and anxiety, but not insomnia. I have a few events in my life that could have caused this, but according to my dr it may be biological as my father had severe mental health issues.
1. When i was 8 my dad stabbed himself almost to death, i witnessed him bleeding out and screaming, he blamed it on my mom and there was police, ambulance everywhere on my street. The police made me give them a statement and i told them i saw my dad stab himself in an effort to help my mom, but i never saw him do it.
2. my mom has tried to kill herself in front of me several times, when i was 10 she swallowed a bottle of pills, i had to save her life. I hate her for it, i hate her for all the grief shes caused me even though today she is stable and a good mom.
my parents both ****** up my life but my psychologist told me i have so much anger towards them and the only person its hurting is me. I want to forgive and move on, and if it could help my insomnia i would. Would trauma therapy help me? My psychologist doesnt discuss my past because she says theres no point in dwelling on the past, she only focuses on the present (cbt and meditation).
I keep trying to figure out why i have such severe insomnia, like i work with drug addicts and criminals and even they sleep soundly through the night. I have friends who were sexually abused and they sleep fine, i dont think my childhood was THAT bad, both my parents had mental problems but they both loved me. Also, i have an older sister who has no mental health problems at all, shes a free spirit, it makes me hate her too. I feel all the burden of my parents mental health problem landed on me, my sister didnt care when either of my parents tried to kill themself, I was the one who saved both their lives, several times. She did the smart thing, she cared about herself. My caring is what led to my demise. Sorry for thing long convo, im just saying im 28 this has been a life long problem, but i have never, ever felt as done with life as i do right now.
Again, please dont tell me to call the police, i am not going to hurt myself at this moment, i have thoughts but will not act on them.