How to handling gf with depression

[michael852]

Hey I could use some insight on this.My gf of 3 and ahalf years is suffering from clinical or major depression(i do not know which) but I m curious why do people that are suffering  from depression push others away?

is this a defense thing or what? can you salvage a relationship after or during depression?
insight would be liked.

[brice1967]

Michael, I think you made the right move.  If she isn't getting help, she needs to.  I liken depression to dependency/addiction.  The depressed will only get help when they "hit bottom".  It's sad, but until then, there is little you can do.... as you well know now.

Maybe this is her bottom... maybe she uses this as a motivational factor to find herself some help, but SHE has to do this.  You cannot be everything she wants you to be.  Impossible....  

It sounds like she has a few issues and a professional can help her with all of that.  You deserve the right to have/lead a normal life, and you need to be able to address any issues that you need to deal with.  You deserve a bit of normalcy, don't you?

You cannot hold yourself responsible for anything that happens from this point forward.  You played your cards, and she needs to get a handle on things.  I just wonder what 'being a friend" for her right now might do?  Will it complicate things?  Will she try to "guilt trip" you into something?  Who knows....

Again, I think you did the right thing.

[michael852]

She just called me back(crying and all)saying that yea she is messed up and she was sorry for dragging through this and how unfair it is to me. She told me she is going to try to get help and that she really loved the supprot(she really beat herself up basically) after she gets better she hopes that i can forgive her and see what happens and I know shes not the suicidal sort

[brice1967]

Oooh yeah, being "someones reason to live" screams dysfunction, dependency, and about 100 other things.  I agree with nursegirl...

[armira]

maybe your gf doesn't want to be weak in front of you,or i don't know...try to take her in quite and relax places, tell her that you love her and she means  a lot to you,make her return in self-confidence, just help her return in normal life step by step

[nursegirl6572]

Good for you, Michael.  I'm sure it wasn't easy...but really, you've done all you can.  You can't force someone to get the help they need.  I hope she does reach out to a professional.  Nothing that is happening to her is on you...remember that.  All you did is love her and support her, you needed to think of yourself for a change.

I'm wishing and hoping that once she gets better, the two of you can reconnect on some level.  If not romantically, then at least as good friends.  She knows you care and support her.  

[nursegirl6572]

I could not disagree more!!!  For one, NO ONE should be another's reason for living and we are not responsible for other people's actions.  Your post basically insinuates that if his gf commits suicide, it's michael's fault.  Baloney.  

We can support our loved ones through a rough time, but we cannot be their reason for living...that couldn't be more unhealthy.  Which, isn't the case here anyway, because if he was her reason for living, she would have contacted him more than two times in several months.  You can NEVER EVER blame another person for a suicide.  Never.  That's a decision a person makes for themselves.

Find out if she loves him?  That's just the problem, she doesn't communicate with him...at ALL, until he asks her friends about her, in which case she contacts him and gets mad.  He's been unwaivering in his support, sending loving text messages, with no response...for months.  He has to think of himself too.  He's also been in a fragile state of mind, and this situation is not good for him.

Also, we don't what her level of "hell" is...her friends seem to think she is fine.  That's another problem.  They are in different states, with virtually no contact.  How can he even properly assess what is going on?  He can't.

He can still absolutely positively be supportive of her....as her friend, which is what he plans to do.  To end the relationship was something he needed to do in order for HIM to be able to be in a better place in his own life.  It's wonderful to help someone and stand by them...but NOT at the price of losing oneself.