I'm feeling low inside

[happymom2b]

I think I'm depressed, but am trying super hard to fight it.  I'm embarrassed to admit it to friends, because I'm known as this super bubbly, energetic, upbeat person - but right now I just feel really low inside and I've come to a point I need to do something - it's out of my hands.

I have had a wonderful, loving, fun & fortunate life.   But something is not right.  I'm not myself - I feel low and I'm hiding it.  I have wonderful things in my life - my husband is the most wonderful person, we are pregnant with our first and just thrilled.   I also have wonderful family & friends.   I've had a ton of changes recently...moved 2x in a year, tied the knot last year, a new job & now we are pregnant - maybe this is it...all exciting stuff , but too much in a short amount of time???

I am struggling big time inside.  I have only expressed this to my husband - he is super supportive & has noticed my changes, but not sure he understands it b/c i'm so good at always staying upbeat on the OUTSIDE.   However, how I may act on the outside does not reflect my feelings inside.  I can not complete chores around the house, I have no interest or I should say "motivation" to workout anymore, I am very indecisive, forgetful and just low inside.  I cry out of nowhere...I have lost interest in sports and being active and most importantly, (things that are a huge part of my life) and can not get myself to accomplish the simplest things - like picking up after myself.

I know I need help, but I don't know where to start?  Especially now that I'm pregnant - what are my options?

Please help, happy on the outside....so so gloomy on the inside.
  

[happymom2b]

phew...glad my instincts were right on. it just had a bad sound to it.  when that word popped outta her mouth, i said "no thank you."

happy thanksgiving to you both.

again...many, many thanks!!!

[jerbear01]

First, Prozac scares the heck out me and for very good reason.  I became irrate, hostile and easily aggravated when I took Prozac.  It was awful!  I truly scared myself.  I thought about suicide way too often and I had to get off it ASAP!  I have known at least four other people (men and women) who were on Prozac and they all felt the same way.  One man actually tried to choke his wife to death when they had a small arguement.  She got away from him, called 911 and their house was surrounded by SWAT for hours.  He wouldn't let her go and he got his gun and threatened to kill police if they came near his house!  This was a man who would have NEVER acted like that, it was truly insane.  His wife finally realized that the medication was the only thing different in their lives and she told police.  She was able to get the gun away from her husband after talking to him, but he went to jail because of his threats.  Really sad.  They are okay now.  That was about 6 years ago.

Anyway, not to scare you too much, but every experience (personal and through others) has been negative with Prozac.  The same with Paxil for me.  I had terrible withdrawals with Paxil.  I would have to say that Wellbutrin has been the only med that I tolerated decent.

We will talk more later if need be.  Otherwise, stay healthy and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

[happymom2b]

both of your insights, views, thoughts and experiences are extremely helpful and I am gracious for you both - i can't thank you enough!!!  

it's important for me to learn & hear experiences of other moms -  combined with all the scientific facts/studies, combined with what my doctor provides me and her knowledge/insight/recommendations - I want to consume ALL of it!  

our doctor said that prozac has been around the longest and feels most comfortable with that, but the name "prozac" just scared me for some reason. it just sounded really "strong" if you know what i mean.  i don't know....it just has that stigma, but I'm completely new to all of this - I don't know what to compare anything to or know any better.  have either of you had experience with prozac or  have thoughts on that?  since i used wellbutrin before, had no side affects and since it is a super small dose - I feel comfortable using that.  my doctor recommeded that first for ME.

i will keep you posted for sure.  we are taking the week off to visit familes for thanksgiving.  the most exciting part - we are telling our families we are expecting in June!  since we don't see them often, telling them in person was important to us.  i know it's early, but we are only telling them...and are excited to share.  seeing the look on our parents' faces - that alone will lift my spirits, I know!!!

thanks again....i will keep you all posted.  have a wonderful weekend with your families and happy/healthy/beautiful children!  :)

[oasis182]

Hi...p.s. ..I love jerbear's advice so I don't want to sound argumentative, St. John's wort might be very helpful, I just wanted to let you know, don't mix it with a MAOI...I read some scary stuff on a website about that..but you can "google" all medications you take and find websites on side effects and whether or not it's safe to combine..this or that.  I know there's even a website where you can "plug" in the different medications and vitamins and it will tell you whether it's safe....okay..again..hope I'm helping and not making things worse!  Take care!!

[oasis182]

Hi!, I completely empathize with your fear for your baby...I was completely freaking out when I was pregnant that something would go wrong with the baby from the medication...my doctor made me feel more reassured that it was okay, but I know everyone is different and so I don't want anything to go wrong for anyone else, so I'm sure your doctor will tell you what they know is safe or not.  I'm trying really hard to remember what they switched me too, (it's been 2 years)..and I want to say Wellbutrin, but I'm not sure.  I'll I know is my doctor said it's one of the only depression medications that had been studied in pregnant mothers.  The rest had no research on whether they were safe or not and with this one, they had done studies and had safe results she said.  But of course you never know...everyone's different.  I just knew I had to have some medication or I could barely breath in and out -(at least that's what it felt like) so I just tried to make the best decision and went on research, my doctor's re-assurance, and faith, I felt sure baised on all this that my baby would be safe...but that's just my circumstances, doctor..etc. I'm not trying to make you worried here, I know my opinion is just one in a billion and you'll do what's right for you, if you don't want to risk it and your doctor doesn't make you feel good about it, mabye it's best to wait?  I hope I didn't make you more worried...I'm sorry if I have..I just sort of wanted to give you all the details...I do know that my doctor and all the nurses said, it's better to be a happy healthy mom...this was when I was worried about the small doses of medication being passed to the baby through my breast milk.  They said you got to take care of mom, to take care of the baby...I hope this didn't make you feel more confused!  God bless! and let me know if your doctor said they could help, if you don't mind!  

[happymom2b]

Thanks Jerber01...for thinking of me - means so much to have this outlet & for people like you and Oasis182 to take the time to write....goes such a long way to know you're here to listen.  THANK U!

I just got back from the doctors office/dinner and I feel a lot better.   My husband went with me and I laid it all out to the doctor and it was just such a great release.  Ya know, just to tell someone who is knowledgable, understands, see's others in my boat every day and can provide information to understand what exactly I am going thru and what my options are to treat myself.  Surely enough, she did say I fell under the criteria for "major depression."  

In a way, it made me feel better that I wasn't going crazy in my head...i've thought that many times thru my head...."am I depressed?"  "nah, I'm just having a bad day."  "no, i have to be depressed cuz this is every day."  Of course, at the same time, it is now something that I have to deal with and figure out what treatment is best for me.  She gave me a  prescription - a very small does of Wellburtrin - 75mg to start.  That's a pill cut in half!  I( actually took this back in February for 2 months and it really took the edge off, made me feel like "me" again.  However, before I jump to that option....she gave us a TON of helpful information on taking depression meds while pregnant and wants us both to read/review before I just get a prescription filled.  I read a little bit and it scared me, but I will review it all over the weekend with my husband.  

She also gave me a number for a Social Worker to speak to regarding women with depression while pregnant.   I definitely want to go that route first to cover the "natural" bases.  I agree with you - meds is not the first option for me.  I will try anything and everything before that - but I also don't want to rule it out if it's the only thing that will help me get thru a day.  It's been really, really rough.  

I wish I got your note before my appt - I didn't know to ask about St. John's Wort, but I can call her.  I read something about accupuncture as well - heard anything about that?  I think if i find a GOOD therapist, like oasis182 said -  I would be relieved to have that.  I will start with this Social Worker & my doc said she can recommend a therapist following that.  

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU again for being there - to vent to, release thoughts I only tell my husband and just providing support, advice and true-life experiences so I don't feel so alone.  This website is really amazing - i'm lucky I found it and YOU!  :)



Be in touch :)

[jerbear01]

Hi Jessica, how are you this afternoon?  After getting a little more in-depth information into your feelings I feel silly for not discussing the REAL emotions that go along with depression.  I completely and totally understand how you are feeling.  I have been there and done that too many times.  It is awful and even with a support system (spouse) a person can still feel alone and ashamed.  I was depressed with my last child, my daughter and it was a time I really try not to think about (the depression not the pregnancy), which is difficult to differentiate between since they went hand-in-hand.  I didn't tell my doctor I was depressed because I was fearful that he would want to put me on medication and I didn't want that.  A little background on this: when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I had been on the controversial diet pills phen-fen and had lost about 30 pounds in a little less than a month.  My doctor told me that I would likely lose the baby because of the drugs in my system when she was conceived and at that time I was about 6 weeks along.  I was scared to death.  He told me that the last five patients he had who were pregnant while taking phen-fen ALL lost their babies!  I was terrified to say the least.  So, I pretty much spent my entire pregnancy fearful that I would lose my baby at any given moment and it would be my fault.  I was extemely depressed and didn't seek help.  All I can tell you about that was that everyday the baby and I made it another day, I was grateful and prayed for the next.  I continued with depression after her birth because now that she had survived the womb, I wondered if she would have any defects because the meds.  

My daughter is 10 years old and from the day she was born she has been the happiest and most loving of my three children.  She came out perfect; she is smart, beautiful, talented (singing, acting, drawing), fun-loving and to me, a true miracle!

So, I have many, many experiences with depression throughout the last 10 years that I could tell you, but for now I think this one most relates to your current circumstances.  Honestly, I am not sure how I feel about depression medication, simply because I have been through so much with meds and continue to that I am more negative on the subject than positive.  I am, however, very concerned about you right now; knowing the feelings of despair, hopelessness, shame.  All the things that shouldn't define who we are to others, but unfortunately there are ignorant people out there (even family and friends) who just don't get it and never will unless they experience first hand.

Maybe a low dose will be all you need.  You could ask about the natural ones, such as St. John's Wort.  Please let me know how you are.  Even if it is just to get your feelings out.  I really am a very good listener and I know the value of having someone who will not judge you, listen to you.

Be good to yourself, Jeri

[happymom2b]

thank you so much for all that reassurance and sharing your experiences with depression while pregnant.  i am going to the doctor's this afternoon.  (my husband got me out the door to workout this morning, but I have been on the couch ever since - i feel miserable & hopeless)  

do you mind telling me what medication you were on??  i know my doctor may reccommend something different - everyone is different, but i would love to share with her that you were taking medication & gave birth to a beautiful, smart baby!  what a blessing - i so want that!!!

i'm so mixed and scared.  half of me wants nothing to do with medication and is super scared it may affect my baby.  but after listening to you and doing some research -  my other half wonders how the heck am I going to get thru the next day, the next week or next month???   i feel like it will be more healthy to be a "happy pregnant mommy" than suffer for the next 7 months.  i am looking forward to meeting with my doctor today.

i can not thank you enough for expressing your thoughts and support - this website could be my lifesaver!!!

[oasis182]

Hi!  Just wanted to say, as a mother myself, who always has been on depression meds..they switched mine, to certain ones that are considered safe for pregnancy, while I was pregnant and my baby turned out the most beautiful and smart baby ever!  Of course that's this mother's biased opinion:)..but all those feelings sound like my depression before I took medication and when my medication doesn't work.  I would say it was just the pregnancy, but if you felt that way before then mabye it's depression.  If your friends don't understand, it's sad, becuase depression is a very real thing, but when treated, your fine!  Sometimes your brain just doesn't give off enough "happy juice" like "normal" and needs a little help.  Nothing to be ashamed of.  I too don't like to tell my friends, because they always say I seem so happy..but inside (if my meds aren't working) no way!  But I too, have a suuuper wonderful supportive husband, so I try to work with my doctor on the meds...or try a good therapist (they can be hard to find, sorry to say ...when when a good one does pop up it can turn everything around)  A therapist could best tell you whether or not it's depression or just hormones..good luck and enjoy being a mom!!!

[happymom2b]

thank you very much for taking the time to respond to my email.  you made me CRY ;)....and also gave me some strength - thank you dearly!

i know i am a strong person inside and naturally upbeat and positive.  more than ANYTHING, i want to get thru this with my OWN inner strength and attitude and not resort to medication, I'm too stubborn to go the doctor because sometimes I think my mind is playing tricks on me or something and I'm not depressed at all.  i think - "there's no way I'm depressed" and then I come to reality and notice I've sat on the couch ALL day (like from 7am -10pm) doing nothing productive for work or around the house and accomplishing absolutely nothing during the day, feeling completely empty.  it's a horrible way to live.

i've been feeling this way for 4 months (prior to being pregnant) and feel like kicking myself for not seeking a doctor's opinion prior.  now, i feel it is very hard to do things.  my mind says - "get up, get out, go do it" and my body doesn't follow.  it's the wierdest, most awful feeling.  because I know it's going on and i'm trying to fight it and nothing will motivate me.  i really have to rely on my husband (who knows what I'm going thru) or friends (who do NOT know) to get me to workout.  like, i texted a girlfriend last night to go on a run and thankfully she said yes...so i worked out, yeah!  i am very embarassed to admit what I am going thru to family or friends.  they would be shocked and probably would not take me seriously, because of my naturally upbeat personality.  for instance, i tried to tell a friend the other day and she said "jessica and depression don't go together!" and started laughing!  so, now...instead of seeking support from friends i totally put on a "happy face" around people, because I'm so ashamed and feel like I won't be taken seriously, but inside I feel dead, blah, just blank.  it's really awful.  

what are some things you did to get yourself up to doing things?  i feel like such a waste of a person and i'm really disappointed in myself.  i want to try to battle this on my own.  at the same time, i feel like my dark emotions could be harming the baby.  is that true?

i really appreciate your support and advice from experience....truly, thank you!

[jerbear01]

I believe pregnancy is by far one the most precious events of a woman's life; however, it comes with a price.  That price varies depending on how physically fit you are now and the genetics you have inherited.  That price also comes in various shapes and sizes (literally) and is different for every woman.  With that said, I will come to my point.  You have a lot going on INSIDE your body right now.  And that is a understatement.  You body is now under construction and its primary purpose is to take care of the baby.  Therefore, your body will take everything from you to give to the baby.

You are experiencing an array of hormones and will feel "out of sorts," "not like yourself" and many other feelings/emotions.  Unfortunately, some of these things are negatives.  Fatigue is a big one and yes, feelings similar to depression can definately surface.  If you are truly an upbeat person at heart (naturally) then you are more likely to get through your pregancy and return to your old self a few months after giving birth.

And yes, you have a lot of other changes going on in your life, but they are normal events in a person's life and fortunately for you and your baby they all seem pretty positive.  Try not to give too much creedance to your emotions right now; there are times you will cry for what seems like no reason and there will be times you are irritated/angry for a time that doesn't justify the emotion.  Truly, pregnancy is a wonderful time to get to know your body too.  You are put to the test emotionally and physically during this time; look at it as a challenge unlike any you have had before and that you are going to meet that challenge head on and not look back!

I don't want to bore you with my stories that go along with my three pregnancies, just know that you are not alone in your feelings right now and it is very important to know that nothing is wrong with you and you will get your interests back and be less emotional.  Be patient and give yourself time.  Self-understanding is extremely important.  Self-tolerance even more so.

I will say this though, if 3 to 6 months after the baby you are still feeling down and have not motivation to get up in the morning, you should let your doctor know immediately.  Not that you have to medicate, just that you may need some post-partum support and there is no shame in that.

Good luck to you and your family.  Congratulations and enjoy your pregancy!  In the years to come, your child will have lots of questions about when he/she was in you "tummy."  So, be ready to answer them knowing you enjoyed every minute of it.