Low self-esteem, feel depressed, need talk

[hongkonger]

I am a 22 year old male.  I am feeling very depressed and even for a moment suicidal...

There are 2 things that trouble me:

1. I just graduated from College and did my bar course. However, I failed some important modules and that means I can only sit the exam again next year, and I will qualify as a lawyer much later than my peers.

I worked so hard in the past 4 years to work on my English etc...

Is that what I deserve? I cried a couple of times... and cant help feeling that i am so useless

I am currently writing a thesis and my depression is hindering my productivity.... please help and advice what I should do.. I want to deal with this self-esteem problem


2.  It's weird, but my girlfriend's past is always bothering me.... I love her so much, so much so that I decided to study a master degree at her university just because she was there.

She and I have been together for one year and two months now.. however there is always her past that bothers me..

She had casual flings with 2 guys before me, and has had 3 boyfriends before... I can't help feeling that she was 'dirty' and why would she be so easy for guys!??!

whenever I have spare time, I would google her name just to find her various blogs in the past which recorded part of her romance life with other guys.. and I get jealous every time i see that.

Lately, I have asked her to shut down one of those blogs because it reminds me of the bad memory.



When I met her last year in April, she had a boyfriend who was far away. And I had my GF who was also far away.  We fell in love. And she promised she will break up with her BF. And I would break up with her GF.

However, given that her BF then had booked a trip to Hawaii with her in June, she insisted she had to go to 'make things clear'. I urged her not to go many times.

But she did go and stayed with that guy for a week. She actually promised me she would not even let that guy 'touch' her. But then, of course, they stayed in teh same hotel room and what else could they have done?

During those nights, there was one night that I got sleep for more than 3 hours.
She left and returned to LA to find me 2 days earlier than what she proposed to.

I was happy to see her back. And since then, she made it clear that she officially break up with that BF.

But then one month later, after my interrogation, she confessed that she had sex with her then BF in that trip.


Ever since then, I found it hard to trust this girl. And in September, we went to College to start our final academic year and we lived in the same house. We had a happy and loving year together.  In this year, she never met any new guy friend nor reunite with her old guy friends. She wants me to trust her that she is determined to be a faithful girlfriend whom I can trust.

However, even though I tell myself I should trust her, I still can't help asking her many questions to make sure that she does not cheat on me.  

And to compensate my injured feelings from June laast year, I actually, behind her back, used sexual services for more than 7 times and had made out with a girl friend of mine ( only kissing and hugging tho)... I thought that would help me feel more 'fair'

But still, once in a while, the bad feelings still taunt me and I still can't trust her 100%..

I am going crazy.

What should I do?? Should I cheat on her more to eventually make it 'fair' so that I won't feel injured anymore??
I even considered telling her what I did so as to injure her feelings in return... it's retaliatory and i thought that to make her feel injured could compensate my injured feelings last year which still taunts me now...

What should i do..??? Please someone give me some honest opinions...

[patient49]

your welcome, glad i was able to be helpful sometimes someones situation is more clear from an outsiders perspective, maybe. all the best, ash

[hongkonger]

Thank you very much!! I agree with what you say and I should try to leave it all behind.

[hongkonger]

Thank you very much!

[Cindee56]

Just to give perspective---I have a 25 yr. old son who has a Masters Degree in Chinese Lang. and Culture from a .U.S, University.  He also has an undergraduate in Government. He speaks, reads and writes Mandarin   For  3 years he could not get a job in the U.S.  He tried so hard.  He was proud of his Chinese.  He met a girl in China when he was studying there (he has been there about 6 times over last several yrs.  She came to U.S. to visit a few times also.  They have issues to resolve and things.


My son was very depressed.  He felt worthless.  He finally had to move to China to get work and live with his girlfriend.

I am so sad, being ill, and my son is gone.  I miss him.  I don't know how his life will work out.  I am too ill to visit there.

I am sorry for your trouble.  I am here if you want to talk.

[patient49]

Hi, are you Asian?  Your English skills are very good! I think you are smart and not crazy but just going through some tough times. Failing to complete the law bar is not really a bad thing. It can be good. It gives you another year to learn the material, and I'm sure you're not the only one. And it also allows you some distance from your peers and the ego that goes with it!? And you now have more time to profess in those bar modules, and concentrate more on your love life.
I don't think your relationship is bad. In my perspective, it is ok if a girl has had casual sexual encounters in the past. What matters is if she is devoted to you now and loves you! I know this is your concern, but it sounds like she is! you also have to understand that her ex bf, who she slept with, was her bf before and after you guys fell in love. It's not like she met a new guy! Maybe she felt like she owed it to him, idk! But that is past now too, and it sounds like she loves you and is devoted to you, and wants you to trust her.
I think you should forgive her, and not be jealous of her past. The way i am becoming to see it is, if a girl loves me, I will love her equally in return. But I think it's wise to expect that things might not work out. So I think the goal is to achieve beauty within ourself, and only hope that the girl we meet is everything were are looking for :)
So, as far as you feeling like you need to compensate your injured feelings goes, I think that's not a bad thing, but i'm not sure it is right either. So maybe you should feel bad about doing that to her even! Like I said, it's not like she met someone new after she met you!! You should definitely tell her what you did! and why you did it! and how you feel. And though the conversation might reveal wrongs within both of you, I think it is necessary for the health of your relationship.
btw (by the way) what exactly is "sexual service"? I could use that lol :)
One last thing that's pretty interesting: I traveled around the world with a semester at sea and became infatuated with a Hong Kong Girl (Asian), but felt my Western culture clashed with Chinese culture.. I felt i wasn't good enough because that's how I was educated by the global community. Particularly, the Shanghai Chinese girls from the ship, whom i interview about Chinese culture, they basically romanticized their "collectivist" values and I got the impression that my "individualistic" values were bad. This has caused me a lot of culture shock/identity loss that I am still making sense out of. But Now I believe I am learning that all cultures struggle with the same things, and that China is also "conformist". idk, sorry to include this, just thought I'd mention it. But I am working on a cultural awareness organization that would be able to address my cultural concerns.
Anyway, i hope my input was helpful.
sincerely,
Ash