Angry, Depressed and Suicidal

[borg42]

Hi - not sure where to get help and too angry to see a psychiatrist/psychologist.

Had a heart attack 4 months ago and my anger has gone from bad to worse, but only with myself and my parents. It has reached explosive proportions where I find myself shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs over the phone.

I blame them for my heart attack because when I worried about them and their health over the last 10 years they didn't care that I cared. They are 69 and 78 and have their own issues. Both have been depressed and suicidal, and my mother freely expresses these thoughts everytime we speak on the phone. I have many issues with both of them, but could never get through to them....and now my anger is unremitting.

I have finally lost it with her and my father - and myself. I don't seem to care anymore if I get better or I don't. I rant and rave and shout at God at parents and feel like I'm going insane. Now I too harbor thoughts of just ending this nonsense - hoping and praying that I have a catastrophic heart attack.

I'm afraid of my own anger now and not sure what to do anymore....the docs can go f*** themselves. they don't seem to give a damn about our well being.

how do you begin to start caring again - about yourself, your life and everything that flows from it. I'm in a dark and angry place and feel like screaming till my heart just explodes!

[borg42]

Been to a psychiatrist and a neuro-psych - the former wants me to talk and talk and I'm tired of talking. My last appointment, he suggested this is normal post-heart attack depression. Normal?!

So I went and saw a neuro-psych - he starts the test after test and is queueing me up for meds. I already take 8 different meds for post heart attack and a seizure disorder. It's all getting very old very quickly.

But I thank you for your advice.

How the HELL do I get myself out of all this...@#$%@#$...the docs are just in trial and error mode. That's all they know, while we insidiously suffer their "practice".

Needless to say, I'm untrusting of them because I was misdiagnosed a month before the heart attacks. I don't know where this will end...

[Hensley258]

You also need to get some help for yourself my friend. Your obviously suffering from a major depression. Are you under the care of a good therapist and Psychiatrist?

If not then you need to find them. If you get proper treatment then odds are you will start to feel much better and will be able to get back on track.

Make some calls and try to get in to get some help.

[borg42]

I truly think I'm on the precipice of insanity, finding myself shouting and screaming into pillows in the shower and feel an anger towards myself that boils my blood. And still my anger is not quenched, and I don't know when it will. i hate myself, despise the situation i'm in angry that 3 heart attacks in a night didn't kill me and livid that I went to the hospital when I did...I did all that to find myself in this bizarre and lunatic place I am emotionally today.

I will take your advice Hensley258 and try to stop helping parents who don't want my help and perceive care as interference.

Sinxx - I hope I can get to where you are today.

For now, I go to bed praying that I don't wake up, and I awake disappointed that I have...why I exist I do not know. God has failed me in my simple wish to simply go to bed and not wake up again. Does he even hear a word? Or is this all just a man made construct to make us feel that no matter what, there is someone, whom you cannot see, or hear or touch but who loves you...

if there is a god, he has abandoned me - for my prayers go unheard and unanswered.

[sinster]

i know all about parents . anger etc. and right now tho im feeling more down and angry. i am going to try not to vent my anger at the person im angry with and try to take time out for me.  my mood swings are nuts at times and my anger gots crazy with them.  so tonight i plan to sit in a quiet conservatory and forget the world contentrate on me have a nice little hot drink and calmly..(calmly try to think of myself for once. try it. im going to . wether it be a hotbath or a book and a cup of tea . lets see what happens when we stop trying to put the world on our shoulders and think of "I" for once.

good luck .

sinxx

[Hensley258]

That is a lot to deal with borg45.

Man, where to start..... It's obvious that you care a great deal about your parents, and that is very normal and is a good thing. On the other hand you have to understand that they are probably set in their ways at this point and no amout of preaching or reason with them is going to change their ways.

I think you really need to release yourself from the burden of always feeling like you have to save them from themselves. This puts a lot of stress on your mind and body and is a needless wast of your life energy. I'm not saying you should stop careing about them and their welfare. I'm just saying that you also have your own life to live also.

When is the last time you did something just for you? Seriously, I mean just because it was for only you. You also have yourself to take care of too. Lets not forget about what Borg42 needs in his or her life either.