So tired of this

[Kayannaboo]

I have been physically and emotionally abused for a very long time and to some extent sexually too. I realize that I love hard and I am always seeking something and I do not know what that is. I have been happy lately because I have met some really great friends who really look out for me. I have felt so renewed. Then, I fell in love with my friend (who happens to be a girl) last night she told me that she has been hurt and she is not looking to ruin our friendship by getting romantically involved and my heart is just breaking so bad. I cannot stop crying. I don't want to cry infront her because I'm actually embarrassed about it and she already feels bad why make her feel any worse? It just feels like my heart is never satisfied and I don't know how to not use others and fill the gap. I don't know how to count on me.

I don't even know if this belongs in this forum, I am just wondering if the abuse is what makes me love so damn hard. When I love someone I give them all of me, I can't even stay away from them. I don't know how to, I have been sleeping at her house alot lately and last night I went home and ended up right in her bed again. I couldn't sleep in my own bed and its killing me inside because then she started saying how lately she's been pulling away because she's scared that I'm getting too close and that I have broke down her defenses. As a friend I get that she has been hurt countless times but this is what everyone says to me, how sweet I am and how they found me when they thought all hope was gone, they've never had a friend like me but that doesn't stop them from leaving me. I usually have to be the understanding one, just sitting on everyone else to get over their broken hearts and just taking what comes in the name of understanding....

What is wrong with me?

[RainLover71]

I know how strong you are because we have spoken before and I believe you can defeat the bad of the past and have a bright future.I know you have suffered aswell and it's sad and also it has made you a stronger person.I know you have helped many people here at medhelp and I also blieve that you can resolve this situation aswell.Like I have told you before,you are a highly intelligent person with great insight.This is just another bump in the road but you will come out on top.Never give up and I wish you all the best.

[remar]

You can post in this forum. We also have a relationship forum if you want to post there too.
You need to be happy and content with yourself first and foremost. It's not good to count on other people for your happiness. It sounds like you already know this though.
Have you ever been to counseling? I think it might be a huge help to you.
Are you still in an abusive relationship? I was a little unsure of that from your post.
Your friend might not be ready for any kind of relationship right now. That's what it sounds like to me. I know it must really hurt but try to be happy that your at least friends. If you can't do that then maybe you should step away from the friendship altogether. Just my opinion.
We're always here to listen and help if we can.