This is a thread for you to just plain vent your frustrations about your illness. How it's effected you, if you're tired of treatment/medication, or if you feel people around you just don't understand. The only 'requirements' are that we keep the language clean, and we don't bash our fellow members as those will result in having the offending post deleted.
My goal with this thread is to lift each other up and offer positive support. If it becomes popular, we can do one a week.
today will be my first day back at work since thursday. im not ready . crazy that i wasnt even supposed to get any time off until this upcoming friday. . . but i guess getting help helps you for a few days.... i just dont feel it being a good day at all. im going to explode. i feel it
Sometimes, meds alone aren't the answer, there are other things that are important like; self-care, talk -therapy, diet n' excercise. Sometimes folks can be on the wrong meds. Sometimes folks are misdiagnosed, like myself, the meds never fully worked. Why? Anti-depressants don't work that well on other mood disorders, they just don't OR there needs to be a mood stabilzer on top of the AD.
I can relate to most of the above comments, that's for sure. I'm 57, and have been on disability since 05/07, and unemployed since 06/06. I finally had to temporarily admit that I just couldn't work right now, which was a hard pill to swallow, as I've worked since I was 14, a lot of times 2 jobs after my kids were grown as I would get so bored if I wasn't doing something all the time. I went from being irritatingly perky and happy, to this current "thing" that I've become. I am causing my youngest son, age 31, so much sorrow, because he doesn't know how to get his old, fun mom back. I don't do anything with my friends, very little with my family, and spend most of my time lying to people about how I have a headache, the flu, whatever, as no one can seem to understand that I can't just "suck it up" and get out and do things. I probably wouldn't understand it either if I wasn't living it. I was diagnosed w/agorophobia 31 yrs. ago, and was put on valium, then xanax and imipramine, then got about a 5 yr. break and took nothing, then the panic attacks came back and I've been on klonopin/clonazapem since. The clonazapem worked up until about 3 yrs. ago, when the panic attacks came back, along with this mind-blowing depression. I checked myself into the local mental health hospital in 6/06 after I'd been "let go" because of my inability to make it to work most of the time. I've yet to find a good Dr. all of these years that will try anything other than shoving more meds at me, so I don't see them anymore. I've been weaning myself .25/mg monthly from the clonazapem, and am currently down from 3.5 mg/daily to .5 mg/daily. My panic attacks aren't any worse, but my mind doesn't work, the depression is so bad, I have no desire to do anything, and I'm no longer optimistic that it will ever change. I've tried so many anti-depressants over the years, but they all make me extremely agitated, so I need to try to beat this w/o meds. My body can't take it anymore, nor my mind. I've given up nearly 3 years of my life to this awful depression, and I'm struggling to figure out how to find the old, fun "me" again. I exercise all the time, eat healthy, try to read and watch positive things........I don't know. Anyway, sorry this was so long. Please know that I pray that all of you, and me, someday get this under control and are able to lead the happy, full lives that we deserve.
Oh, and I'm tired of everyone telling me what I "should" be doing, too, "because it would make me feel better". GRRRRR!!!! I know they say it lovingly, I really do, but yes, I would feel better if I'd do this or that or the other thing, but that's the problem......no matter how hard I try, most days I can't muster up the energy to even get out of my pajamas! I don't know how those of you who are married, or have kids at home, can do it, I really don't.I feel like I'm constantly "letting everyone down" just by not being the person I was 3 years ago, and can't imagine feeling like this and having people depending on me on a daily basis. Sick and tired of being sick and tired!
I hate how people who don't have depression always make light of it. I hate people not believing me and making jokes about my illnesses. It's so hard because I can't fight back, I don't have the energy, or the ability to make clear statements most of the time. I just wish they would back off.
I have chronic pain of the post-operative variety, from an operation nearly 11 years ago. It started for the first time ever within hours of waking up after the operation so gee it would be fairly logical to think that the two are connected. I had T5 pain, a weird gagging/retching behaviour as well, but the first was explained to me as referred pain by the surgeon, and the second was a temporary condition often accompanying a Nissen fundoplication. Apart from the rather slow recovery typical of Nissen's back then, the gagging feeling and the spearing pain in T5 never went away. Except with the use of doloxene or tramadol pain medication, or large amounts of panadeine forte (yuk!). My knowledge today is much greater than it was back then, so my guess is that a combination of anti-tussive properties of opioids and the inhibiting effects they have on some neural pathways is what stops the gagging feeling. I would have been pushing up daisies by now if that hadn't been the case.
My vent is that I had a great doctor who helped me manage the pain to a level that I kept fully employed (although at great sacrifice to my non-existent non-work life) until I copped depression from being overstressed on a long project for a client. Then the wheels fell off (early 2006), and I am on my third year of leave without pay, no other income but interest on my post-GFC savings. Interest rates are not exactly high. I had to move interstate to live with my parents in order to survive. So depression plus chronic pain has proven to be a deadly combination.
My new set of doctors just cannot seem to get their collective heads around the fact that a) chronic pain was under some control for at least 7 years *before* I became depressed), b) antidepressants interfere with the pain meds I used to use, c) I am allowed to know a lot of detail about my condition and the drugs they give me. The worst part of all is that recently I have discovered that several specialists, including from a pain clinic, have written case notes (which are normally confidential to the patient, but other doctors may see) in which they have made outright factual errors or presumed things instead of asking. Recently I have also been informed that if I don't like the side-effects of lyrica, which I take for pain, then I will be on nothing else for pain relief. This is from my GP who I like and believe is being concientious, but I am now seriously wondering why opiates have never properly been trialled on me. Some kind of clinic policy or personal morality in play here? Don't know. How do I recover from depression when I'm either suffering from "lyrica lobotomy", "lyrica libido", and narcolepsy, or I'm in too much pain to concentrate anyway?
I rarely drink, I never smoke, and up to my lyrica weight gain experience have been physically in good shape and generally fit - hard to do when in chronic pain (and apparently another black mark against how much pain I must really be in). Even harder to do when the depths of depression hit me, a truly horrible place to be, that's for sure.
While I'm at it, the pain clinic gave me a physical exam, about a year ago now, while I was on 8 panadeine forte a day. They told me before the exam to take my pain meds like usual, and then reported confidentially "no pain behaviour" - which wouldn't bother me if they had also put "but has taken panadeine forte during the hours prior to the exam, as advised to do". Anyone with chronic pain knows that you can't go through life groaning and moaning and clutching at the painful areas - that is what happens for acute pain but over time the body adapts and the pain behaviour subsides. Throw in a bucket of panadeine forte (yuk) and the physical exam was a sham, IMHO.
I'm not normally a combative person and this sometimes serves me poorly. Now and then, I wish I had used FOI to see my original hospital surgery notes. They have since been destroyed, so I am told. I am left wondering whether I should put pressure on the specialists to correct their errors in my recent record or whether even that will come back to haunt me.
On the upside, I have some excellent friends whose friendship has never waivered.
Since this depression (clinical depression or melancholia, they call it here) hit and turned my already fragile existence upside down, I have slowly come to realise that most doctors are only too willing to treat drug side-effects as unimportant. With lyrica (which helps with pain and anxiety I've noticed too), it occurred to me that maybe our doctors need to take some of these medications themselves, say for a couple of weeks. Then they would know firsthand just how bad the side-effects can be. Perhaps then they wouldn't be so complacent about it.
I've had a depression that persistently returns every winter. Last winter, I did for the first time do counseling and the SAD didn't need to be medicated. Just now, coming around with my birthday this year, I am considering medications vs. doing something more productive about it - such as admitting myself to a psychiatric unit. I'm just too emotionally drained to see that AD's could help me change this time around. My mental problems have changed - they used to come from the complicated grief of the loss of my mother. This time around, my problems are about the marriage (I really doubt that my husband can change if I take antidepressants, because that is where my most serious problem is)... I'm wondering how my life would be if he and I were just friends, if his echonomy and my echonomy didn't collide this way...
So here I stand today, going to consult my GP about AD's vs. closer mental follow-up, knowing that a retreat at a unit could actually be used against me in a divorce. We have a 6-year old daughter. I want to do what is best for her - all the way. Not just today but for her future too. Why is this such a difficult choice???! I can't turn to my family because earlier, I would turn to them to vent about the marriage. I don't want to do that again because I know they agree too much about me divorcing him. I know that if he and I stay together the problems will persist. ..... ..... Bad corner to be pressed up in....
I'm so tired of being angry. I'm angry all the time. Somedays I step back and look at this person I've become and wonder what happened. Then again I remember I never was who I was meant to be. One day I'm going to be able to overcome all the past and finally get motivated. Some days I feel so close, then the next I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be working towards. I just don't want to be angry. I never lash out at my girls but, I know if I don't get this under control when they get older they will know mommy isn't happy. Kids have a way of reading your moods even if there's no outward give-a-ways and you think you're pretending really well. My dh deserves better than this, and quite frankly I deserve better than this!! Will my past ever leave me alone??
I'm sorry you haven't had a chance to have kids. Octomom infuriates me, too. I wanted more than one child, but thats all we had because we knew we wouldnt be able to afford a quality life for more children after my husband had his accident. I think those kids should be taken away from her. She doesn't see babies, all she sees are dollar bills! The American welfare system is so screwed up. Sorry, I just don't feel a bit sorry for her OR her kids.
I'm glad i found this forum, for the past few months I think i've been falling deeper and deeper into this pit of depression and for the first time i thought about ending my life.
This may not be relevant to the thread or everyone else's comments but i feel like i just need to vent out some of the ******** in my life anonymously.
i hate my life.
around two weeks ago i was sitting in my car at about 11pm parked in the driveway. I had just got of work and had a few beers with some friends. I dont know why but i cant enjoy myself anymore. It doesnt matter what im doing or who im doing it with, i ll hide my sadness.. and i ll smile and laugh too.. but it doesnt feel good anymore.. nothing really feels good anymore. but anyways, so i was sitting in the car and had just hung up after an argument on the phone with my fiance about some stupid stuff that we shouldnt even be fighting about, and on top of that i was in that depress mood. For the first time ever i had the idea of shooting myself in the head. I had my pistol that i had bought with my dad in my hand and i just stared at it. i started imagining my funeral and tears came to my eyes. i know i wasnt really going to do it at that moment but the idea ran though my mind. I was trying of think of reasons not to do it.. like how it would crush some of the people that love me and all that stuff.. and also i didnt want the kids in the neighborhood to go outside in the morning and see my brains splattered all over the street. It wasnt that serious i think, but next time who knows.. i may not think of enough reasons not to do it.
It's so funny and ironic, I always felt like people who go through depression and have suicidal thoughts were weak minded saps and suckers, but i really know now how it feels like to not want to live anymore. I don't even know why i live anymore, every single day of my life is a repeat of itself.. and every day something will happen that makes me feel so much hatred inside that i have to start hitting or breaking something around me when i'm alone. I wake up at 5:30 every morning to go to work, and then I usually don't get home until 8-9pm. Just about enough time for me to eat dinner, shower and get ready for bed so i can wake up at 5 ******* 30 again.
This isnt all too bad, at least it didnt used to be... before when i had something to look forward to at the end of the day, or the weekend. Even when life's ****** its still bearable if you have some source of happiness. i have no source of happiness.
i feel like i dont connect with anybody anymore; Not my family, my closest friends, not even my fiancee... is that not the most ridiculous ****. I used to have a great relationship with my father.. although when i was a child i was beat pretty badly, andcertain things about his income and the people he was with are questionable, we were always close because i was very much into that sort of stuff. Then lately i started to realize something about him.. he uses me to make him feel better about himself. In a way he kind of lives his dreams through me... some of the things that i do for him and his friends... i could go to jail for it.. but i wonder... why does he let me do it? what kind of father knowingly puts his son in danger? I dont know but ever since this one pretty big incident i havent spoken with him much... maybe once every two weeks or so.
Then theres my mother.. i havent felt close to her ever since she cheated on my father... they've divorced, then got back together, and separated again when i was younger.
my little brother and i have our good moments together, but because my mom never taught him right he can be a real punk *** most of the times. hes so disrespectful that sometimes things get physical and he threatens to call the police on me.
Then theres my two closest friends; the ones that i considered to be blood and would do anything for. Now i've got alot of friends, well actually acquaintances because i always felt it was better to have a few close friends, and alot of people to know. one of my 'brothers' is an alcoholic, and the biggest failure you've ever seen... hes either high or drunk whenever you talk to him.. and he has no job, a long list of felonies and misdemeanors, and hes just a straight bum. He continues to get into trouble no matter how much i try to help him straighten out his life.. i honestly think he doesnt give a **** about anything.. so i've given up trying. My other 'brother ' is quite the opposite. This guys got his head on straight.. we see everything eye to eye.. practically the same person... and i thought we were always gonna be there to help each other out... that is until i started working with him. this motherfucker is too ambitious... he acts like a team player, but hes looking out for himself. after i started working at the same company but gained a better position he started acting different, and before he was always the one that was doing better. I began to notice our friendship growing more distant and we mainly communicate only when at work together or if its about work. When we go to the bar afterwards or whatever, i can see it in his face.. i dont feel like we're brothers no more.
and i guess lastly is my fiance. i dont know what else to say besides that i'm starting to question the relationship, and im almost 100% sure she feels the same way. I know this is a common thing for couples, but its just so hard to decide what to do about it because we've been together for more than 4 years. She was my highschool sweetheart. We've had alot of ups and downs, but you can only have certain problems over again so many times before you realize that things aren't going to change. I still love her and want to try to do whatever i can to stay together, but i have a strong feeling she doesn't want to be with me anymore even though she denies it. whenever i see her she doesnt look like shes very happy with me anymore, and whenever we talk on the phone she sounds so uninterested in the conversation that it either makes me feel more depressed or pisses me off that i throw my phone.
I guess thats pretty much all i can think of right now, or all that i want to. I left alot of things out but it doesnt matter because i doubt anybody read it half way haha... that did make me feel a little better though.. for some reason, it doesnt seem that bad.. i may sleep better tonight.
Hello, hope all is well with you and everybody else! Here is my vent to let out of my system! For years I have been dealing with depression many up's and down's more down's than I would like to admit to which is sad. Was put on 2 medications to help me with this problem and for a while it worked and now i'm back to square one with all of it.Weaning me off one medication and putting me on another one as been hell don't wish it on anybody at all. So my problem is I never had a weight problem and now I do so you go to the doctor and try to get one problem fixed and end up with more than you came there with. Granted side effects are different for everybody but man do they want to keep you depressed or make you better? It just bothers me cause now I will shut my self off to my husband cause of my weight and granted he doesn't understand my depression and he says he doesn't care about my weight he still loves me than why is our relationship so different now than it was before. Not even married 3 years ye how sad and I agree so many sad people in this world is it all worth it anymore....just feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle! Life just isn't fair! Theresa
All I would really like to do is stay in bed and never get up. Just sleep and sleep. I have been an insomniac since teen yrs and never get more than 4-5 hrs of broken sleep a night, even with the help of 1mg Xanax. I'm in constant pain, constant horrendous anxiety and never feel truly happy. I stopped taking AD's 5yrs ago and miraculously feel much better without them, but still that constant feeling of not minding if I died tomorrow. The AD's kept me feeling numb so without them I feel emotional all the time and cry alot. I am not suicidal, just can't wait for all this to be over with. I just want to "go home."
Breast cancer runs strongly on my mothers side, but I will not get a mammagram. If something were wrong I would not want to save myself because what for? To continue to drag myself out of bed each day, force myself to eat well and excercise, force myself to keep the house and finances straight and force myself to be relatively "up" so my husband doesn't have to live with a zombie.
I have felt this way my whole life. It never ever stops and I am just so weary of it all....
I am 24 and have been depressed for quite a few years now, i self harm (most people dont understand this but my veiw on it is i dont like hurting anyone else so i take it out on myself and once that is done i feel a little better for it) I have been given the option of therapy and been perscribed anti d's but i chose not to take them as i know a mate who got really hooked on them.
My opinion on therapy is that no matter how much you talk about your problems in life it wont change anything as the moment you leave that door your back into reality and im not able to deal with it.
I have lots of trouble making decisions for myself, I dont know what would make me "happy" anymore...it all boils down to complicated realtionships, feelings of worthlessness, and a low self esteem and money!!! im constantly tired my sex drive with my current partner is non existant and i just dont know what to do...does anyone know if CBT is any different from therapy???
im so desperate,my daughter has a rare genetic syndrome and my eldest daughter died 12 years ago through complications of the same syndrome,its so rare no doctors can give me answers.iv searched day and night and i cant go through seein my gorgeous girl suffer..im so lost and ive no fight anymore.she has muscle and nerve diseases,she has so many problems,all rare and it kills me i cant help her or anyone can,its breaking my heart and my mind and my soul.
my vent...i'm mad that i'm so aggitated lately. maybe a s/e of meds? i don't know, i wish i could help it but i can't. i want to break things. i'm supposed to wait until thursday to go see the pdoc to talk about meds, 2 more days, then i have someone to talk to again. i have no support, everyone i know likes to ask me whats wrong. i don't know whats wrong, i don't feel good. i'm sad, i'm mad. rapid cycling i think might be what its called? idont know, its new for me, should i call the doc. i think i might. anyway, i'm sick of the ones i trust the most not supporting me. maybe they wouldn't have to constantly ask whats wrong and if i'm ok, if they would just stop denying i'm BP and depressed.
and LeftCoastChick, I think putting this in the Bipolar forum is a great idea. thanks for listening.
I have no idea whats wrong with me but I feel extremely bad at the moment. I've no interest with anything and feel lost. I'venever experieced this before can anyone give me any tips as how to get rid of this feeling?
I feel so lonely, I cant stand the silence of the world around me, I have been diagnosed at 37 with BP, I wish they had left me. Everything has changed since the diagnosis, maybe if I had had there so called help I would have come right on my own as I have always done in the passed maybe then I wouldnt be taking 7 pills a day that have only softened the situation, perhaps the more intense episode would have ended at a peak and I would have inner peace. Hate everything this afternoon, was ok this morning now feel like Ive been emptied of any happiness, feel something brewing inside, whats the point.
How are we supposed to be happy, in such an unhappy world?
My vent.. is almost in support of all of our feelings.. Why wouldn't we feel this way with the world in the state it's in? I feel like some old church lady when I think of the things that are freaking me out about the world, I am a very liberal lady, but it is true... It's getting crazy...and we're all so desensitized to it all.
The more 'in touch' I remain, the more messed up I am about the world around me. The more 'real' I am, the more sensitive I am to the imbalance of this planet and the people who inhabit this Earth. The more I see the Potential for Good in humans, the more I realize how far we are straying from it... and it makes me depressed!
I don't even watch TV now because it's such garbage, and so much of it makes me feel worse: Bad News telling you of all the horrors in the world you are powerless to do anything about. Advertisers that are paid to make you feel inadequate, so you can go and consume more **** to keep up with the "Jones's" and all that **** you bought was made by some child in China, (and is supporting some hidden company that makes weapons of course), and will go into a landfill and pollute the already taxed environment.
Then a "comedy' will come on where everyone is beautiful and successful, somehow living in a loft in New York on a coffee baristas wage, and all their problems are really minor, but you all get caught up in them because you don't want to face your own problems. You know more about the cast on the show, than your own friends - who are of course all on Facebook, showing off all the pictures of them smiling and waving to cameras in superficially postured situations, so the whole world will know they are having a swell time online. The new 'community' has gone electric and no one actually connects to the point we'll be envious of third world countries who have no access to computers and fast food and malls and bars because those people actually get together and make meals and music and stories and share their trials and tribulations among each other in 'real time'.
It's a world where out food is no longer 'grown' and 'harvested' but 'manufactured'. Factory farms don't raise cattle and chickens, they manufacture meat for processing. Animals are no longer sentient beings that deserve thanks and respect for feeding us, they are stocks and market shares that are plugged full of hormones, abused and neglected then shipped and then slaughtered on conveyor belts, some still living while they're being severed and split into segments for pot roasts and hamburgers.
Young girls are exposed to cheap role models in the media like the ***** Cat Dolls and other stripper wannabe's, gyrating their 12 year old hips without even knowing why. They don't get to learn about the 'power' they possess as intelligent, beautiful, creative girls when they can get what they want by being sexy and cute instead!
Younger boys get to learn how to shoot and maim in violent video games. They are encouraged to be aggressive, and make money for status, and not have feelings or emotions even in this day and age. They don't get to learn how they have the capabilities to be compassionate, kind and thoughtful... even the old standards are messed up.
It just seems that only thing that is truly beautiful in our world (nature) is the one thing humans seem intent on destroying. I can't even get to it anymore, since I live in the city and don't drive a car.. From being a country girl, now stuck in the concrete jungle.. it seem so unfair. Again... some people living in huts in some poor country, really have it better off than we do.
Anyway.. Today I feel hopeless about the world in general and don't want to contribute to it's madness.. I know this will pass, I am sure.. and I will remember all the beauty in the world (not usually created by humans anymore mind you..)
I dont' know if anyone will reply, but it will feel good just to vent. I've lived with a mentally unstable mother all of my life, and I just want it to be over. I don't remember when I first started hearing "your father treated me like a queen until he found out I was pregnant with you", but while plundering through a desk drawer I found papers from the third grade where I had been going to the school counselor and told her that I didn't feel like my mom loved me. In my teens she humiliated me in front of my friends, and the arguments between us grew so bad that I would often leave for school crying and would go straight to the counselor for sessions before my classes. During my first marriage, she manipulated me to the point that one Thanksgiving my husband and I spent the day apart (if he doesn't go see his mom, she still has four other kids, but if you don't come over, I have noone-I am an only child). In my 30's, she gave me a sob story about how bad someone was treating her, and I called them to confront them about this and they began to tell me just what all my mom had been telling them about me-to which she denied-but it was things that only she and I knew about. I am now in my 40's and remarried 7years ago and moved over 1,000 miles away--only to have my mom and step-father move FOUR DOORS away--and the mental games still go on. I am so torn--I am a christian and want to do the right thing, but I wish I never had to see or speak to her again. You cannot image the things she will say to me to try and hurt me, or belittle me, and of course I don't let her run over me anymore so I will stand up for myself and then she cries. It is almost hilarious when we argue over the phone, because she will play the "drama queen" routine, even if things aren't heated, and you can hear my step-father in the background telling her to hang up on me. Yesterday we had an argument and she told me that I didn't know what hard work was-that I've never had to work as hard as she has. I started working when I was 16, and have worked ever since until now. I only remember her working when she wanted to, as my Dad had a very nice job and she didn't have to work. I on the other hand, have been a 911 dispatcher, and then (to please my husband, but after the divorce, out of necessity) a truck driver--I drove solo for five years and I dare challenge her to that job!!! Now I am no longer working, but a full-time college student, and mentally I can't take her anymore with all that I have going on with school. My mom is the kind of person that blames others for everything that has ever happened in her life--if you attempt to tell her something that she doesn't like, she will turn it right around with "what about you"--well, we weren't talking about me! Thanks for letting me vent- I am to the point where I don't know what else to do. Mother's day is coming up and once again I will look for the card that just says "Happy Mother's Day"- all of that about what a good mom you've been and how you took care of the family, etc. makes me want to puke and I will not buy it.
I am very concerned...I have just started taking Anafranil 25 mgs about a mnth ago. Im also taking Effexor 75mgs for the past 8 yrs. I have noticed while sleeping that I feel like my tongue is rolling back in my mouth and my teeth grinding, almost as if Im having a seizure. While this is happening Im also dreaming. Not sure if this is my dreams or if Im having a seizure. I am 29 yrs old and otherwise healthy. I suffer from OCD and severe Depression. I took Anafranil when I was 16 and got a (chicken pox) like rash, so my doctor stopped the meds. I only started up on it again because it was extremely helpful to me back then. Now Im finding that it is extremely helpful again, the only problem is my concern for the effects Im having at night. I have told my doctor, he doesn't seem at all concerned. I have also been experiencing ringing in the ears. I have read all the info on Anafranil and it says Seizures and Ringing in the Ears are serious side effects to notify your Dr right away???? Im really upset...Can someone please give me some information and is this something I should be concerned about??? Help Me?!
i am doing third year engineering(b.e)
wanted to be a doc
we have vivas [oral exams] from Saturday,25th and we have just finished getting our journals corrected[certified] from our professors...all other batches and branches finished a week ago...,just because or dept. likes to torment us and is lazy!
how do they expect me to study an entire subject in just two days!
orals finish on 13th. finals from 19th with just 3-4 days gap as compared to the usual 7+.
if that wasn't enough, i had flunked in a subject my previous semester owing to my depression and migraine...and i have just a day to prepare for that toughest subject!
sorry for the bad language..but just as we engineers call it....." i am screwed" for my life!
these flipping meds either knock you out or have you up all night.
i feel drugged, took an ambiem but still can't fall asleep
i should go to wal-mart and buy things i don't even need, but i like target better but there not open.
my dogs are ansy cause they want to go to bed. their looking at me like their trying to figure out how to crash this computer.
cvs is open but their always getting robbed.
i could take a walk around the block but the home owener watchdogs patrol and they may think i'm a robber.
i could read but i broke one of the lens in my glasses.
what i should do is call all the psyc docs in the phonebook and wake them up and keep them up till i fall asleep so they can see what it feels like when i can't sleep from these drugs
i would like to go in the back yard and work in my garden but all the neighborhood dogs will start barking and i might be mistaken for a prowler and get shot.
so the only thing i can do is vent. but i'm still wide awake.
good thing i don't work. i'd be a babbleing idiot from lack of sleep and they would all be talking about what new drug i'm on.
OK, I'm sick of being sick! Of being made fun of by my college age daughter. I feel like I'm her trick dog that she has to show her friends, look at my Mom, isn't she crazy! Hey, Mom say that thing you said last night when you took your meds"! I wish I had respect from my family. Instead I feel like a joke to them. They have no idea how hard I work at putting on a "happy face" to everyone when I really want to scream! I'm so sick of having these high's and low's. My head just spins. When I try to have a conversation I always get off track, jumping all over the place. It's so embarrassing. My daughter doesn't even wait for me to try to get my thoughts together, instead she will finish my sentence for me. Sometimes I feel like I will end up all alone.
i hate my life right now. Im 23 years old and ive had moderate acne for what seems like 10 years now. It's just progressively gotten worse after high school when everyone else's faces seemed to clear up. It's made me really depressed and is making me focus on every negative aspect of me. Ive been on every freaking medication and I feel like no one knows what i really look like, people just see this face covered in bumps and cars. Ive become a hermit and have lost what used to be a great social life with a girlfriend and great friends. I'm convinced as soon as my acne subsides i will be bald. I dont think ill ever have a period where i am confident and have self esteem and actually enjoy waking up in the morning. I dread getting out of bed because i have to look at myself in the mirror. I used to enjoy looking at myself now i avoid mirrors like the plague. I dont even know who i am anymore im rediculously sad and resent everyone for it. It's so hard going through these things in a society that places so much importance on physical appearance, especially in your college years. I would never commit suicide just because of what it would do to my family and loved ones so instead i just lock myself away from the world hoping this will go away eventually. I feel like ill be depressed until that happens.
and then diagnosis of depression soon followed. I felt everything was due to hormone but found that wasn't true. I'm having a hard time accepting the diagnosis of depression. In therapy and my therapist believes the depression has been a problem since childhood, according to what I've said to her. I really wish my life was over, I've lived long enough as I an 54 years old, I just can't end it myself. I wish every night I wouldn't wake up the next morning, but dammit I always do.
I am 25 year old male, I suffer from Anxiety and have been depressed lately, I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I must admit I wasn't the best partner but she wasn't perfect either, what pisses me off is that I am hurt, afraid of being single and so very down, I have to face this all head, not 2 weeks after we broke I find my girlfriend has hooked up with one of her friends and they are an item, so she gets to experience new things and have a great time, while I sit around alone and upset, it's not fair! It's also a big hit to my already low self esteem and very humilating, beacuse it's all evident on facebook so people will know.
im tired of living like this.
to start off ive been feeling on and off depressed since i was a kid. i went through alot as a kid, i had my dad run out on me and my brother, i went through alot of emotional abuse, i witnessed my cousin being sexual abused by my uncle,i had a drunk step father who used to beat my mother and tell me women were good for nothing,i had the only person in my life that truley matter(my mother) who just treated me like dirt. i even had social services come by and check up on me and my brother and at one point they had planned to take us away. i used to have my principal take me out of class and ask me if my mother abused me and if i was happy at home. although ive always played it off like everything was fine, everything really wasnt and i wish they had taken us away and put me somewhere i could be happy. because of my rough family/childhood ive never really had anyone to talk to, never really had anyone to really tell how i feel. now although i struggled with these problems i over came alot when i came to high school were i made friends and forgot my troubled past. i was a popular kid in school and never really had a problem meeting people and expressing myself, but around the time i graduated i started loosing my friends. although ive been smoking weed since i was about 15 it wasnt intill i started loosing my friends when my habit really got bad. i started staying at home and getting high all the time, i wouldnt pick up my phone i wouldnt talk to anyone and the people i did talk to i became very bitter towards. i ran off and worked on drill rigs for a couple months trying to better myself and meet new people, but the people i met just singled me out and made me feel so much worse about myself. when i think back it was my attitude towards everything that made people just not want to know me, and as far as i can see it still is. 3-4 years have gone by since i graduated, and ive spent the majority of them sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. ive lost all my friends except two who i can tell really dont care for me, i lost my g/f of 3 years a couple months ago along with my job and my apartment. im currently living with my mother and two brother all who i can tell are really starting to pity me and not only that really dislike me. i can hear my mother talking **** about me and to my face says nothing, my brothers who once looked up to me, think something is seriously wrong with me and i hate myself for it. im at the point i dont know what to do, ive never told anyone i feel depressed and deny it when someone asks me. im at the end of my line and i dont know what to do, im on the verge of buying a plane ticket to mexico, leaving all this behind and starting over. i need help, i cant turn to my family, i have no friends, and i ******* hate my life and myself.
i suffer from chronic pain, depression, and now BPD which Ii think i had all along. Have not worked since 2002 and i actually feel guilty like i do not contribute to society. i am always anxious and really can not stand social settings or friends or even family anymore.i am so sick of being sick.i'm so tired of waking up every am. sleep seems to be the only time that im not in pain or depressed or anxious or angry.
It is a hard road for sure.i read (the Secret) over and over it is my bible. But trying to think good thoughts can be so hard when one min. you're sad and the next angry or in pain. I just started a mood stabilizer and hope it will help. i just get so tired of life.
I am the same. My man will leave in the morning, and Im happy and then Il have a thought and my whole day turns and when he comes home at lunch Im numb, bitter and depressed. Usually its like that for the whole night, he knows it too. he says are you going to be like this for the rest of the night now? I feel bad, he deserves more, my family deserves more. It ***** cuz the rest of my family is really happy and funny and then there is me, and I put on the face and try so hard but im so far from happy. Im so depressed that I havnt eatten today and puked up the milk I drank. I just want to be happy. I tried to tell my fiance I didnt want to be with him cuz Im not happy but didnt know how to say its not him its that I dont want to bring him down with me.
Thanks for listening, This is a great forum.
i hate feeling sick all the time and fear oh the fear i wish i could be like all the smiling people i havent work off an on for a month or more my boyfriend is getting tired of it iam sure WHY WHY WHY god ki hate this i just want to be normal
i'm 15 and i've been depressed for years. i feel like i cant tell anyone. i cut myself and i just want to die. why is this happening to me? i have a good life. no one seems to understand. they think im the nerd in the corner with no problems.
my vent is simple the lingering STIGMA of mental illness
and consequently the need to wear a public MASK in order not to be labeled as unfit!
I agree totally with the perception that all the SHOULDS will actually make everything all better for us all that suffer with depression!!!
I'm tired of feeling quilty about the pain of my depression because my problems may not be as bad as others. I feel I am constantly grieving over the people I have lost and constantly thinking of how many more there are to lose. I am always counting how many more years they may have to live. Now that my older daughter said she may move away and my younger one has moved out, I feel I am just left to wait to bury the rest. I just want to enjoy some of my life now that I am done taking care of everyone. I am only 54 and can't bear the thought of life without these people in it. I just feel I want to go now so the pain will go away. I am so tired of crying and the constant heartache. Thanks for listening, it does help.
I feel I have nobody else to talk to. I feel like my friends are tired of hearing me ***** and complain about feeling sad and depressed and frusterated and dont understand that I CANT snap out of this as if it were just a bad day. I hate how I dont even know what I have. I hate that I am a 21 year old guy with so many hopes and dreams and how I have been going through mental health issues for the past 3 goddamn years. I feel like such a worthless piece of ****. I DO absolutely nothign every frikin day! I hate all the uncertainty that clouds what I am going through. I hate my life. I hate people . I hate GOD. I hate how this had to be me. I hate how I dont even have the courage to kill myself. I hate how I cant even do that... I feel like sucha ****** failure. I hate how every day I wake up and feel like I never totally wake up. How I feel like I am in a dream world ALL the time, and the feeling never subsides and never leaves. IT is a permanent new reality! it has replaced the old way, the normal way, I saw life. I feel like a zombie. I feel numbed out. I feel like I failed myself, my family, and my friends. I feel like just being alive right now is simply prolonging the inevitable which is death. I hate how I have given up on the idea of me getting better. I hate how much of a jellyfish I am now. I hate how much I cry all the time every ****** day. I ****** hate doctors and psychiatrists who were soo ****** confident that I would get better with all their pills and drugs. well screw the drugs, cause I tried so many of them and nothing helped to soothe or treat this feeling that I have ALL the time. I feel like I am not even here. Like my mind isnt connected to the rest of my body. Like I dont really "see" what I am looking at, and dont really register it. Like I have dissociated from reality. I hate how now I am questioning whether its a mixture of depression as well. I hate how I feel so damn lonely and I have to resort to a this forum. I am so angry and sad and frusterated and cant take it anymore. I am so resigned from all of this ********. I havent been working for almost 8 months now. I hate how I didnt address this whole issue earlier when it wasnt as intense. I am livid about my dad and mom getting a divorce and just separating. I am so jealous of all my friends and brothers because they just go on living their normal lives while I sit here and suffer in silence. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS ****!?? i could write a book so i will just end it now
I've found that most people that have never had depression don't understand, therefore, I just try to hide it most of the time. Seems to work, though, because most outsiders think I'm a fairly normal person , even fun to be around. But actually, it's all very forced.
Amazingly enough, I have a good number of friends. You'd think a depressed person like me would have zero friends , but it's not the case.
HOW?....because I'm a great actress. I've never had any social problems, so that's one thing that's probably saved my life.
I'm a great listener, and I get dumped on all the time. I get tired of being everybody's dumping friend..... Listening to everybody's problems, while I'm dying inside,saying nothing about my own problems. Sometimes I get a headache from listeing to all my friends and relatives talk about their life problems. I just want to crawl in a hole.
OR...if I'm around people that are super-duper happy, they begin to irritate me after a while & I have to run and hide. Super-duper happy people appear to be "plastic" to me,especially if they brag about how happy they are or about how rich they are, or about how PERFECT their perfect children are, or about how great their trip to Cancun was, stuff like that.
I'm not a braggart, so braggarts make me more depressed. I try to stay clear of braggarts because since they just bring me down. BUT sometimes at work, for example, I'll come across a bragging boss , and I have to listen to them, while inside my stomach I just want to throw up. I have to tune them out. Still, the brag and brag about how wonderful they are doing financially, etc.
Working around braggarts is the worst for me.
At work, I cannot show my depression for fear of a bad review. By the time I get home at night, my head is ready to explode because I've had to listen to bosses and co-workers talk about their perfection,their raises, their mega-mansions,their Ivy leage kids. Blah!
Instead, I really like people that are "real" . Those are my best friends whom I truly enjoy,and for fear of losing them,I try to act like a great listener,fun to be around.
My psychiatrist is the worst listener. Zero help. I can't even talk to him.
Since I belong to an HMO, I can't switch Doctors , so I'm stuck with my ineffective psychiatrist. Still, he's the only one that can give me my prescriptions. My HMO requires me to see my psych every 6 months in order for me to qualify for my medications.
Anyhow, by hiding my depression, I try to act happy,because I'm afraid that if people see my sadness ,they will walk away. I understand, they not wanting to be around a depressed person, so I put on an act of appearing "normal".
Acting happy (when a person is really not) is like a forced reaction. VERY DRAINING!
When I try to appear "happy" on the outside, it zaps me of all my emotional energy. ZAP!
And when I feel zapped, I resort to not answering the phone, or just canceling out of outings on the week-ends, to avoid the entire issue.
I've become excellent at using excuses to cancel out of "outings" whenever I get depressed. I'm a master of this! .... It's because I don't want anybody to notice my depression, for fear they will leave me.
I've found most outsiders don't "get" depression at all. They think that depression is a slight case of sadness that goes away after a day. (I only wish...)
Being depressed is a very lonely experience and one that we have to face almost all alone in this World. That's how I've felt for years.
I feel that there is still a stigma out there on depression and us, depressive people. Because of this, I say nothing and try to act "happy" or "normal".
Forcing happiness is extremely draining on a person.
I feel that about the only person that really understands my depression is...me. Just me. The "normal" outside World just doesn't get it.
That's just how I feel.
When I am not on my medications, my depression gets 100 times worse, though.
Without my medications,I would lock myself in a room and sleep, sleep and sleep, avoiding the entire world.
That's why I stay on my meds.They at least make me feel half-way normal (half way "happy").
Without my meds, I'd sleep my entire life completely away, and probably become a bag lady.
I wish I didn't have to take my meds.
We tried that a few times, and my depression came back 100 time-fold. Scary.
Looks like I'll be on some kind of med for the rest of my life, which is fine w/ me. I just wish there was another way.
Counseling is beneficial but not enough for people like me that are severely depressed. People like me need to be on medications, or we will just fade away and sleep our lives away.
So....3 cheers for good medications, I guess, ---for people like me.
I don't kno where to start when I was very young I was molested by my grandfather for years, never told anyone bout kuz I didn't kno how plus I was super shy my parents split up when I was very young also because my dad became a meth junkie so my mom being a single parent to 4, was gone all the time trying to make ends meet and my 2 older bros didn't live with us, one in and out of prison or Juvie since age 13, now 29,and the other doing his own thing, which left me and my younger bro to take care of ourselves. my mom remarried when I was 10 to a truck driver that was gone for weeks at a time, n had another kid with him when I was 11, and all the responsibilities of the new baby got put on me including walking a baby to and from daycare before and after school, missing school to care for the baby if he was, not being able to hangout with friends bekuz I was raising a baby. I did that for 6 years til I turned 18 n I couldn't handle it anymore n left home stayed at my cousins house started drinking a lot n then eventually ran away to the other side of the country witout tellin anyone. I eventually came back but things between me n my ma were never the same I only talked to her ocationally n always felt very uncomfortable wit it. I then started hanging out wit this guy, which is now my husband, that none of my family liked, n for the first few years of our relationship he was on meth n we fought a lot. He was verbally, emotionally, and at times physically abusive, but that's all behind us now, he is and has been clean for quite a few years and we are very happily married. When we got married I didn't invite any of my family, which I feel so guilty about but wouldn't change it n I haunt talked to my ma in over a year n in that year she's had a stroke n has had a few major surgeries. I feel so guilty for not having anything to do wit her but I don't want to and don't kno wat else to do its better if I jus stay away... But the thing I have the most trouble with is me and my husband have been trying to have a baby for almost 6 years wit absolutely no luck wat so ever n it is so emotionally exhausting I'm at a breaking point and dont kno wat to do. I feel so useless and lost like something is wrong wit me, everyone I kno has been able to kids except me n I'm jus so tired of gettin my heart broke month after month year after year while all my friends and family get to enjoy parenthood n I'm jus there empty handed I don't really kno wat else to say but if I could get any advise or anyone that would let me open up bout all this, there's way way more I need to get off my chest and listen to some advise, I really need someone to talk to that can understand even a lil bit I wild be forever grateful
i just lost everything i loved. i came home to find someone in my bed. i lost my home the love of my life everything i owner. i have nothing left. nothing to live for. i do not think i am going to make it. i am to old to start again
I honestly never see the point in stuff like talking to others about feelings. It's like no one listens. No one has time to listen. No one wants to listen to unhappy stuff.
I'll try it anyway though. K well, I'm 15, and I am having the worst year of my life!
5 days after the start of the year, I got run over by my dad's car....and I think I have PTSD but I don't wanna tell my parents, cause they r dealing with their own problems, and my dad, I believe, has changed too after the accident.
Secondly, I got a lot worse in math after mid-terms which put me in a very care-free mood for the rest of the school year. I'm scared to do badly at math again this year in the 10th grade :$
To end this all off, my dad wants to file a divorce with my mom. He keeps getting me involved too. I'm just a kid for crying out loud! I don't know how to solve that problem! I would if I could.
Well, if anyone has any advice, plz let me know. I could really use someone to talk to who actually cares--or at least acts like they do.
And for everyone else on this forrum, I really hope everything will get better for you :) xx
Very depressed shaky even,I cry all the time for almost a month now. My good friend died Oct 12 I was the last person to see him 5mins before he died I seen him pull out on the rd where he got hit. My husband jst says better him thn me. He makes everything worse if I come to him. 2days later my 18yr old cousin died. Everytime I go to work I thnk of my friend BC thts where we met n came n seen me everyday. My chest hurts so bad n I can't breathe. Its hard to even move right now but I have a 2yr and a 7yr old so I'm making myself. Now my husband talking bout divorce I told him I was depressed my head n heart is all messed up. But he thnks I'm cheating on him and accuses me of deleting my Facebook messages which I have none and texts.. I can't take anymore if it wasn't for my kids I would of tooken my life already. I have no money to talk to a therapist I have noone but my kids
Well hopefully y'all can help me. I have some major issues. My brother is 18 and my mom is 37 and I'm acting the like the parent. The only parent responsiblity I'm not doing is paying the bills. It feels like I must take control of the household even though I am only 17. Mind you I have a pretty decent life: I have a boyfriend, great grades, and a supportive family. I am also severe depressed, have bipolar, and severe anxiety
I need help do I need intense therapy for this or do I just need to get away from my family?
I'm 23 suffering from major depression and anxiety
Ive been like this most my life and can't remember happiness
I go through phases where I get suicidal as well.
I know I'm sick, I know I need help.
The people around me often tell me I'm too young to really be depressed, and that I'm just not trying hard enough.
I can't vent to anyone because I'm too negative and bring everyone down.
I've seen therapists and doctors before...
I try to find information online about depression, to maybe understand, why it seems so easy for some, and others not so much...
I know there's underlying problems: Bipolar and an eating disorder; but no one wants to help me get checked
I often feel belittled, and pushed aside
I want to live
But I feel like I'm just in the way
Crashed my car into a tree on Sunday and totaled it. I loved that car and it was the only thing that kept me going for 14 months of residebtial treatment center. I'm 17 and have attempted way to many times but it gets exhausting when every little thing that goes wrong is multiplied by 1,000 by depression. I had surgery 3 weeks ago and got dependent of Percocet because that was the only time if truly been happy in my life and it was basically instant happiness. I got completely off of it a week ago. Then I go crash my favorite thing in the world into a tree. My airbag didn't work either and I wish I wasn't wearing a seat belt honestly because it would have killed me. For the past 3 years when ever someone would ask me what made me happy I'd say my car. I worked on it so much and cared for it. I would practice racing it on canyons and practice speed shifting when ever I was down. It took me 6 months of everyday searching for a Honda Civic si in the right price to find that one. I put over 2000$ into it. It's not even the car that makes me depressed right now. The car just adds to everything that I push down and its over flowing now. I've gone through a insane amount of therapy and I know how to handle it I just get tired of every night having to handle it.
This is a thread for you to just plain vent your frustrations about your illness. How it's effected you, if you're tired of treatment/medication, or if you feel people around you just don't understand. The only 'requirements' are that we keep the language clean, and we don't bash our fellow members as those will result in having the offending post deleted.
My goal with this thread is to lift each other up and offer positive support. If it becomes popular, we can do one a week.
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