Nephew giving up on life

[Nichols]

My 23 year old nephew appears to be depressed and uncooperative.  My sister is concerned because he refuses to get a job and when my husband finally got him in a good union he managed to get kicked out.  Here is a little background:  when my nephew turned 18 his spleen burst and he nearly bled to death. He was less than an hour from death when he was found unconscious. He had emergency surgery, which left a scar that he is ashamed of.  He was teased at school about it, and quit all sports that he was in because he was afraid that he would injure himself more.  If he gets a cold he panics and makes himself feel sicker because doctors told him his immune system is compromised and that he has to be careful... He refuses to see a counselor, is drinking a lot, sleeps all day and stays out all night.  Lately he says that life "sucks" and that he wishes it was over. These comments scare me, but since he is an adult and won't cooperate with us we don't know how to help him. His father is ready to kick him out of the house again. He did this once before, but he just went to a friend's house and slept there all the time. He also refuses to go to college or trade schools, he says he isn't smart enough (which isn't true). He blames everyone but himself for his failures too.  He just refuses to get back up when he gets knocked down, and sinks lower and lower.  What can we do to make him want to improve his life???

[burtonshaw]

This probably sounds rather stupid, but it has worked on most of the people who i have counselled over the past.

It is a simple strategy, however i recommend that you inform others of what you are about to do, and relax him, as this does sometimes backfire!

The trick is reverse psychology.  For example, if he says life is "Sh*t", tell him it is.  Tell him not to get a job, etc, but trry to be subtle about it.

BE WARNED: This tack is VERY VERY dangerous, and could have the opposite effect!!!  To that end, ensure that you have someone on standby whom he gets on with, to reverse what has been said.  And finally please use this ONLY as a last resort.

As i said, this has worked on a few people i know, and works best coming from someone who has been in the same situation before, or from someone he respects and trusts.

[Nichols]

Thanks for the input. You bring up a lot of good points My nephew had an infection that caused his spleen to burst. (I can't think of the name of it at this moment.) Both of my sons, who are about the same age, have tried to talk to him but he tells them to mind their own business.  I've tried to talk to him too because I have had similar tragedies happen to me (more than once) so I thought I could relate.  He is polite to me but won't open up.  I did suggest to my sister that maybe her husband could take my nephew on a weekend camping trip to have a little one on one with him.  I thought maybe being outdoors might help improve his mood and that maybe he would open up to his dad. They were close once.  I'll tell my sister some of your thoughts hopefully it will help.

Thanks

[ParamedFlorena]

Are there anyone in the family he seems to draw closer to than others? I know that's how we do it with fosterkids in my in-law's family. The ones that the child chooses to trust do the more serious talks - even if everyone tries as hard as they can to make the share even. I don't know why I suddenly thought about fostercare reading this.
It's only an idea. Someone has to take on the task of showing him that life isn't as horrible.
What's the cause of this ruptured spleen? Any psychological factors there? Was it high-energy accident as in being kicked in the stomach or a traffic accident or were there other causes? Did the underlying cause get the proper treatment - is his fear right or wrong or does he hide behind it?

Looking at this from another point as emotional reaction to such a life-turning event, wouldn't this look a little bit like a grief reaction as in him thinking: "Yeah, ok ok, I survived this but my body is scarred forever and what's the joy?"

A teenager is a fragile being. They mind about their bodies and how they appear. If you could find a sport he could enjoy where he didn't have to be afraid of showing the scar or going through a  similiar situation again with full emergency intervention, wouldn't that give him much of the lost self esteem back?
The way I think is that you've got to look at who he was when he was 18, what he lost and how he adapted to the new life.

Hope someone else have more experience than me in thinking these paths. I only try to think of how I'd have reacted to having my life turned that way.

Stay in touch! Don't hesitate to ask more questions!
~Florena