loving depression

[imunwell]

Hi, im 21 and i feel like nothing. i feel so bad is that i don't even think I want to be helped. I've been depressed for 10 years and i have been on several medications. Although, they elevated my mood, I never felt they addressed the real issue, that being a low self-esteem. I felt they allowed me to remain protected from life. I attended Cognitive behavioural sessions but my negative thinking is so powerful is that I could not be open to that and refused to believe it would be of use to me. To get to the point, I came off medication a few month's ago. I experienced 3 weeks of 'genuine' happiness. I loved this feeling so much. I then started to crumble under life's challenges. I feel angry at myself. I think I'm psychically and psychologically addicted to medication and can't bear to face life without it.Currently, I don't have any friends, no job. i don't even leave my house. The guilt of not being able to succeed (have a job, friends, have interests) is getting me down. I lie in bed all day and sleep. When I wake up I want to die. I have been to the doctor. I dont want to take medication because I have lost faith in medication as I don't want to have an artifical exsistence. I have had a sample (3 weeks) of true happiness that I never felt in years and I don't want to throw away any chance of that coming back to me again. I feel like a burden on my parents now. I have nothing that pleases me..except food. I don't get comfort from people trying to help me. I feel cold. I'm emotionally craving for food all the time to distract me from these painful feelings. I get pleasure out of thinking about my death and any physical pain that I inflict on myself seems to subside the internal pain in my mind. I am also quite religious and I feel like I can't morally kill myself. I seem to have lost hope in everything and don't know what to do.

[Lisapotter64]

I know it has been a long time since this entry was made, however I see a pattern here that needs to be addressed (in my opinion).  In order to get "better" and to get in touch with your true self you have to go through periods of great discomfort.  The bad feelings are what you are comfortable with.  They are what you are fighting.  Because self-esteem is low and you want it to get better you need to stretch your legs.  I grew up feeling badly about myself also.  I had a mom who told me she always loved me but never really liked me.  The point is, that was her problem not mine.  It affected me greatly and I had a difficult time "finding" myself.  Concentrating on yourself is not being self-absorbed.  Healing starts inside of you!  If you never address the emotions they constantly creep up and usually in unhealthy ways.  Feeli ng the emotions is very painful yet liberating in the long run.  You need a professional to work with through this process.  You must be what you think of as selfish until you can grasp who you are.  Medications are necessary in some cases however too much medication can put you in a fog.  A professional can help find the right combination for you.  Maybe if these issues are properly addressed you can live a happy healthy life.  Many times our past dictates our present, if we let it.  I got tired of being miserable.  I felt miserable many times through treatment but afterwards I have broken a cycle of dysfunction and my children, husband and myself are the beneficiaries.  Let me know if you are still checking your emails.  
PS knowing you are unwell is a start, deciding that you "want to be well" is the next.  You deserve to be happy.  Men are that they might have joy!  Scripture!!  It doesn't say you will have joy it says you might if you allow that to happen.

[imunwell]

i don't feel anything when im on meds...cant barely remember my name...regardless of the quantity of medicine taken..id be interested in meditation....i think a journal would get me thinking about my feelings..i dont want to become really self-absorbed. i fear il end up thinking about my emotions all the time. thats all i ever do anyways. sorry im just thinking aloud.clearly im confused about what i want/need....thanks for your constant concern......

[Venora Moonwind]

I just wante d to shaare some of my esperience with you. when I first got the zyprexa/celexa I felt really wier at first like maybe I wasnt feeing natural.I discussed this with my therapist and she said it was the first time in my life I was feeling normal. Well she was right.I had never had normal respnes to anything.It was always the extreme with me.
I tell you this because the meds have probably left you feeling this way but you havent experienced this before and it does feel strange at first.
If you can get to counseling,come talk to me on the messenge under my name if you would prefer privacy.I will listen any time you want to talk.
In the meantime start a journal and write down everything you feel good bad all of it.   when I have a bad day I write out my feelings  and then I burn them and I feel so much lighter and free from all the bad negativity.
Look inot meditation as well. there are several good websites that can help you.I wish the best for you my friend.
Love Venora

[imunwell]

looked up symptoms of aspergers and it does correspond to what i'm experiencing...the treatment for that seems to be anti-depressants anyways..i dont want to jump to any conclusions but i wonder then would i have depression as a result of having that or is it depression thats primarily causing social problems for me?? As a child 5-8, I had lots of friends, was happy and very giggley..constanly smiling..complete opposite of what i am now..??

[imunwell]

your right...i know...but..(yes theres always a but with me)...i dont operate well on meds...i fake laughter, pretending all the time..meds allow me to pretend..without meds im n bed wasting away everyday...i dont know which id prefer..have true bad feelings or live a life of pretence..i live in an isolated part of the country and i dont see anyone..thanks for answering me..

[Venora Moonwind]

I feel you should give the therapy another try but you have to want to get the help.it would be so good for you to get out all the old emotional baggage you are carrying.I know it was difficult in the beginning to accept my bi polar dx let alone trust anyone but I got ruthlessly honest with my self and my therapis for I truly wnated to feel better. slowly the therapist and I  got out all the old stuff holding me back.I accepeted being bi polar and I have never looked back.I still see the therapist occasionally and I take my meds faithfully and I wonder why I fouhgt it for so long. I feel so good and I am in such a great place in my life.
Botom line and I dont care what others think.... the meds and therapy work. sometimes it takes a bit to find the right med (I was on lots of meds before the celexa/zyprexa combo) but you dont have to suffer this way. there is hope and love and everything good just waiting for you. all you have to do is reach out for it.
Love Venora

[bambi3]

Hi, Can you look up Asperger Syndrome to see if you relate to any of the symptoms?  Also, google females with Aspergers as it presents differently.  Good Luck!

[imunwell]

your right i guess...even when you say your situation sounds familiar, I still feel that mine is worse. at the moment, I'm at a stage where I don't recognise my own needs..I eat and dont get full, I dont feel thirsty or I dont even take care of my personal hygiene..i just feel like wasting away...i dont believe I can be successful at life..I cant imagine it..it wouldn't be me..im too old to learn a new way of life..oh i dunno anymore..thanks for replying..there really is a few diamonds left among the coal..

[imunwell]

just replying yo your question, "Have you been in therapy aswell as meds?". When I was on meds I tried therapy and I didn't benefit from it at all. I now know that I guess I went in with the following  attitude, "This won't work for me" and felt tense throughout the sessions..could never relax in them..always worrying about going out in the world after being closed in the room with the therapist. I have such bad negative thinking is that it's automatic..as soon as they would say something to help, I'd manipulate. For as long as I can remember, I always was critisised by my Dad and never felt good enough. I think this is where it started. It has just got to a point where I'm convinced that breathing is the only thing I can do without doing it wrong. I am currently eating lots and lots..I look at people my own age walking along with friends and I am reminded of my struggle with life and it just doesn't seem worth it. I know this is negative talking at work again but I know no other life apart from feeling inferior...oh god..

[goscuba]

Your story sounds familiar.  Did you know that depression and anxiety have a huge impact on short term memory, processing and attention.  I actually thought I had a frontal lobe defecit because I knew my functioning was below my peers.  Ever since I could remember I was considered forgetful and flighty.  Now that my depression and anxiety (severe depression usually causes some level of anxiety) are treated with meds and therapy my functioning is much higher.  I have completely turned around my work situation and am turning around my social situations as well.   Notice your function went down after you went off your meds.  My doctor says the goal of depression treatment is complete remission.  e.g. I still take meds but no longer consider depression and significant influence in my day to day life.  I don't "wait for the other shoe to drop."  I'm almost there.  Please don't give up.  You are worth it.

[Venora Moonwind]

the meds didnt mess up your brrain. Its just that the meds left and your brain has gone back to the depression.It takes about 3 weeks to get them out of your system. Have you been in therapy as well as meds? It takes both to defeat depression.Clinical is like diabetes .you have to stay onyour meds and not quit them when you feel better., the is a med for you and combined with therapy it can work wonders for you.  Dont give up .Go see your doc and tell all you have told here, Then get a therapist.Min e workd with my doc and it works. you are in my prayers.
Love Venora

[imunwell]

Excuse me for not being clear about the situation. (I'm very confused all the time and having difficulty expressing myself). I am female. I've felt depressed for about 10 years. At 10 years of age I knew I wasn't content but was not aware of what I was feeling myself or never felt it was ok to show anyone that I wasn't happy. I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and was put on anti-depressants age 13. From 13-20, I've been on a 'cocktail' of medications. I came off medication three month's ago as I felt life was going reasonably well. Then, for once, I felt life...really felt it. Was in good form for about 3 weeks. Then I hit a new all time low. I reallly believe that the result of several medications has left my brain messed up as I now can't even remember things or think about the basic tasks I need to carry out during the day. very poor cognitive and social, communication skills etc. Now I feel like I've tried everything and feel like I have no energy to try again..

[MARIEALICE35]

HI, IF YOUR 21 HOW HAVE YOU BEEN DEPRESSED FOR 10 YEARS? I AM IN NO WAY BEING RUDE. JUST WANDERING HOW AN 11 YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY WAS DIAGNOSED WITH DEPRESSION AND PUT ON MEDS.

PLEASE RESPOND I AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU
        ALICE