help me depression..

[scott822]

i've been depressed for a very very long time. it comes and goes. it comes more than it goes though! it seems to last for ever and i just cant help these feelings of ending my worthless life! i'm fed up with feeling like this. ive tried changing my life, ive tried medication...but nothing seems to make me happy. at the moment im only staying alive for my mums sake, i think when she passes that will be the time i will finally kill myself. i've spoken to people about it, my mum seems to get upset when i talk to her about it, so i just put on a brave face for everyone and that hurts me more! i go to sleep wishing i dont wake up in the morning EVERY night...i hate my job. theres nothing in my life that makes me happy...i just cant find that bit of light that will change my life..i don't know what else to do, or try, im 21 and ive been suffering with this god forsaken illness for almost 2 years now! on and off. like a fLIPPING YOYO! is there anyone out there that can help me?! as im coming to the end of my tether

[LALEAH]

I am glad that you wrote back.  There was a talk show host, **** Cavet (spelling?) who suffered from severe depression.  As I read about it, it was described as living in a black hole but he maintained his career and public appearance without anyone knowing otherwise.  Dealing with depression, many people live, what seems to be, two separate lives.  You put on this face for everyone around you while inside you feel as if you struggle to stay sane.  You are not alone.  No one talks about it.  There is the fear that people will judge you or avoid you once they know you have a problem like this.  You are dealing with this the best that you can.  For this, you should be proud of yourself and the courage it takes.  Fighting depression takes a lot of energy.  From what you state, when you get home, the situation is no better and I realize how draining this can be.  I am not a medical professional.  What I suggest, you must consider carefully and decide what is best for youself.  I would suggest that you to take some steps in changing the situations around you.  Somehow, take control and not just slide through life.  It is okay to excuse yourself from a conversation at work.  Find an excuse that you need to get something done, be polite but let the other person know you cannot talk right then.  Then pick the time that YOU want to talk and participate when YOU want to do that.  Try to aleviate some of the struggle when at work.  What I say next may seem hurtful but I think you need to put yourself first for a time, especially at home.  It is wonderful that you love your mom and worry about her & her health.  But you are important also.  Can you separate yourself to another room, a garden, go for a walk, find a peaceful place to read (something like these) when your folks argue or your mother complains?  If she becomes angry with you, you do not have to stay in the same room.  Quietly ask that she stop or you will leave and return to discuss the problem when she is calm.  Remind her it is bad for her heart.  Gently explain you will return and be happy to talk.  You do not have to carry their burden.  Their problems are not yours.  Right now, you need to put your needs first.  It is unfair of your mother to complain to you about your moving out.  There is no reason for you to sacrifice your health.  People are resiliant, become complacent and dependent.  Does she complain to you because no one else listens?  Have you considered she could cope on her own just fine if you did move out?  Are you mentioning moving out in order to get your mother's attention?  Strong comment but it needs to be asked.  Consider different ways to react to questions or situations.  React in a different, more positive way to change the tone.  People learn other individual's trigger points and know how to provoke a reaction without you realizing what is happening.  Your siblings can take a turn caring for your folks.  It it possible to arrange overnighters at their homes in order to get out of your parent's house on occasion?  Let them know that you don't want to impose; just stay by yourself in a quiet spot.  Take a break from the stress and that you don't expect to be entertained.  It is very sad that you seem alone during this time.  Your parents are older and dealing with the fears that come with aging and failing health.  But that doesn't give them the right to ruin your life.  You have to take come control for yourself.  Learn how to react differently, use humor to deflect comments or complaints and find time for yourself.  Have you seen a physician or are you on any type of medication?  I think you have more strength inside of you than you realize.  You need to tap into it, take a step and make some changes.  Give it a try.  I will check back to see how things are and hope you write.  

[scott822]

Well i get what your both saying.. but i don't have any fight left in me, i've tried so hard fighting this illness, it's just taking all the life in me thats left. i have friends but not many. i socialize alot in work. it's because people talk to me, and i feel rude just to ignore them. so i talk back when i don't really want to. then i start getting agitated because im talking when i don't want to, so i can't win either way. my mum is ill, she has a heart condition, something wrong with her right ventricul thing. i love her sooo much, but she makes my life so hard. shes constantly arguing with my dad, i think moving out would make my life alot better, but i cant afford it. i've alos been single for a long time, and i miss feeling loved. i have 2 sisters and a brother, but they all got there own lifes to get on with and don't bother with me much. I'm the only one that lives at home, me my mum and dad. everytime i tell my mum that im moving out. she just loses it and says she wont be able to afford to keep her house because of my rent money... it's not fair her doing that to me, as i really wont my own responsibility! but i don't want to upset her :( and about my past...my memory has got so bad i don't remember what i did 2 weeks back. i can't remember a thing about my childhood or anything. Thanks for listening.

[more0then0a0virus]

           Dealing with depression is hard. And I know how that feels like. Worthless trying to change things, living to avoid hurting others, and waiting for others to die so suicide become an option, putting brave face and fake smile like nothing`s wrong, praying any existing life force to take life during the sleep, desperation, obligations like a burden, every minute like a torture...

            But then, you love your mom. And what would happen with her if you killed yourself? She would be devastated. And if you`re life is a misery, do you want her to be also?
             Even though I believe you have every right to kill yourself because no one asked you if you want to live this life, I`m sure that it`s to hard to do that when you know someone WILL suffer. A lot.
              
        My solution is stupid, but it`s the best I can do. I know I have to be here, so I manipulate myself. I live this life like a game. Nothing seems important, i waste my time on irrelevant things like playing computer games all day. I drink to escape and it`s pretty lame. But that`s the best I can do. I accepted it almost fully, even though I sometimes still want to rip out every piece of me that makes me freaking living being.
         The only way I know is to preoccupate with anything. It doesn`t make you happy, but at least you are satisfied sometimes or you don`t really care about anything. So, don`t do that. I can`t even find myself in music anymore like i used to...

         It was said the hardest thing to do is to fight with yourself. And that`s exactly what you need to do,
     You have a weak and the strong side. Weak is that which wants to run away, and the strong one is in you. It`s there. I`m sure because I see it. That side sent this question, and you have to make this side stronger.  Help her win the weak one.
    
      You can do it. Maybe not by yourself, so find some support. You would surprise how talking might help if you talked with the right person.
       Do it because of your mother, because, trust me, even if you did something stupid like me (drinking, doing drugs), new problems would appear with these who loves you.
      
     There is a chance, and you hold the key of finding the way out, so use it. You can do it, but you have to be ready to make some changes in the way you live and think...
     Everything can be OK. I understand everything seems pointless to you now, you don`t have enough energy to do anything. But find it somewhere... It`s  there...
      Don`t think about the next morning you have to start new day full of obligations. Thing about now. Think about what you can do at this moment. Some hobby you haven`t done for quite some time, maybe?

     Too much thinking can make you really scr*wed up, so try to do something... Anything constructive... Laleah gave you some ideas...

Best wishes, and if you want to, you could keep talking to us by posting a comment here... Good luck...

P.S. if you analyze the past, you might find a reason which caused you feel this way (if there is one), and if you know what it is, you can start work on the problem...

[LALEAH]

I just read your posting and I want to commend you for writing and asking for help.  That takes a lot of courage.  Living with depression makes you feel so isolated and alone.  I want you to know that there are millions of people also suffering and it seems that putting on a 'good face' is something most do also.  I kind of classify it as one of those 'silent diseases'.  Nobody wants to talk about it and is/or may feel ashmed.   In all honesty, I am the same.  But is serious and you need to get help dealing with this.  Remember, that it is a chemical imbalance in your system.  Whether there is a genetic tendency or specific event that triggers it, I don't know.  Maybe a combination of things.  But don't stop trying to find help.  Keep looking for another doctor, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist.  Keep researching the different medications for depression.  Look them up on the internet and read individual reviews.  Take into consideration the symptoms, combinations of medications, etc, and discuss this intelligently with your doctor.  Don't just rely on the medical profession.  You need to help yourself also.  Be informed.   Is you mom ill?  Havve your been dealing with a lot of stress in addition to your job?  It is a tough time to change careers, but is there something to make your job better or find another place to work?   Make a 3, 6 (month) and one year plan on things to change in your life to make it better.  Do you have friends or socialize?  How about a hobby or interest.  Sometimes that helps.  Because you go to sleep wishing not to wake up, DOES NOT mean you will hurt yourself.  You are normal and having anormal reaction with depression.  Stay away from sad movies, books, news, etc.  Find comedies and fun reading.   Keep reminders of positive, good feeling things around you in your personal space even if just pictures.  Hang in there and don't give up.  Will check back.