i dont kow what to do

[jonny222]

my mom is the only one who cares about me at all my dad abandoned me when i was 14 now she has really bad cancer and might die soon i need help but have no money to see a therapist or even get any medications. my mom is in oklahomea trying to get better but im all alone here half way across the country and every day i think about killing myself and just cant because i know if i do she will die for sure i just cant stop thinking about dieing everyday and i am getting to the end of my rope and don't know what to do.im 18 so i should be able to handle this but im just to weak

[SLadylani]

I'm so glad you could use that hotline and that it helped you. And I promise there is a life full of peace, hope, and joy ahead of you. You just have to hang on and get through the difficult times to get to it. As I said before, this too shall pass, and 6 years from now when you're my age, you'll look back and see that it really did pass. Today I trully enjoy my life and no longer hate myself or the world around me. I wouldn't change a thing in my life or a thing about me. This lies ahead of you, and you don't want to miss out. Please feel free to keep in touch, I'd love to know how you're doing along the way. Bes wishes.

Sara RN

[ricky_id]

This is very much quoted, but I hope you're aware: Happiness depends on the person itself.

[jonny222]

thank you every one for all the great suggestions i called a hotline that SLadylani  suggested and it really helped im not going to attempt suicide again until i try and get help i just hope that their is happiness at the end of this because i haven't been truly happy in a long time

[ricky_id]

I suggest you plan something for the plan B, which is when your mom died. You know everybody died, only that some made it at unfavourable times.

Also, know your options. I won't say that life is easy because it's only easy in saying, but I agree when somebody says there's more to life.

Meanwhile, try to accept when the worst happens.

[SLadylani]

Ok, first of all, just because you're 18 don't think you should be able to handle this. You are not weak; you are going through an extremely life-changeing time and need help and support right now. Next, I need you to know that I hope one day you don't want to commit suicide because you love yourself too much, and not just for another person. I struggled with severe depression from 15-22. I was a chronic suicide attempter. I am now almost 24 and have been free from depression and self-harm, alomg with other addictions for over a year now. I've felt the pain and despair you have, of wanting to die so badly, but knowing if I killed myself it would break someone else's heart. But please, I love you enough and care enough to not want you to die. There are hotlines to call if ever you get really depressed or feel that way. My best suggestion is to call one of those hotlines as they can also give resources. I'll try putting this number up but this website might block it. This is a crisis line. 1.800.479.3339. There are many free mental health programs through the county, or other organizations that can help you see a psychiatrist, therapist, and who will cover your medications. You might also want to look online for support groups of family members of those who have cancer, as there are many of those. Are you still in High School? If you are, this would be a good time to go to your counselor and ask for help and support in getting free mental help services. Your counselor can give you information about resources in your area. I have some website resources, but I definitely know this website blocks other website postings. But if you're still in school, that's your best resource. You don't have to come forward about everything, like how you want to die, but simply say you are struggling and need to get in to see a psychiatrist and therapist but need free programs. All other information will be kept confidential. There are resources to help you, so you needn't worry about that. My main concern is you not hurting yourself as I have been exactly where you are, know how it feels, and know it gets better and promise, this too shall pass, Know that I don';t make very many promises. Please keep us psoted, you and your mother will be in my thoughts, and be safe :)

Sara RN

[capegirlnoshoes]

There's nothing weak about not being able to handle the situation you are in right now.  Most 18-year-olds don't have a clue how to handle situations like the one you're in now.  I'm 19 and I have had mental problems for 5 years and have developed many good coping strategies, but I would still struggle in your situation.  I am lucky to be in a country where psychiatric drugs and therapy is heavily subsidised by the state.  
I'm not saying your situation is hopeless because it's definitely not.  But if you ever find yourself putting yourself down, thinking that you're a failure or weak or a loser or whatever, or blaming yourself for any of this - you've got to try to stop that thought dead in its tracks and say something positive instead.  A huge part of getting through situations like this to the happiness on the other side (which really is on the other side, it's just hard to glimpse when you're in the thick of the sadness in front of it), is training yourself to think positively.  That doesn't mean unrealistically, like "everything will just fix itself" or something untrue like that.  That means thinking things like "I'm not a bad person" "I can get through this" "I am strong" "there is happiness on the other side" "this will not last forever".  Those things are all true and just by focussing on them you can improve your situation (although probably not fix it).  
I'll let someone else give you more advice on how to access treatment, because I don't live in your country.  But I would recommend you find some useful self-help literature in the meantime.  There's good stuff and bad stuff around.  If you find any that teaches "Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT)" that would be ideal, because that's a very effective counselling technique which is based on a commonsense approach but applied with practical strategies.  
I survived just about 4 years of extremely severe depression without any treatment.  It was hellish and I am amazed that I lasted.  It didn't happen to me or last so long because I was weak, even though I ended up doing some really stupid things.  I did those things because I was so desperate and in pain, and it is no good me judging myself because of those things.  Every human fails under pressure - we are just susceptible to different pressures.  I am so glad that I got through it because now I have moved on from many terrible things and some things have changed considerably for the better, which is something I just couldn't see at the time.