i feel like i dont exist, i feel like nobody cares about me, ive never felt love. im a 16 year old boy and i feel like im just a ghost to other people, in school its like im just walking through people without them knowing or be in a group without even be there.
all i want is people to be there for me, to support me and love me nothing more.
But were it all begins is when i was while i lived with my real parents, we lived in a blockhouse on one of the many unknown streets, my mom and dad was alcoholics and drug addicts, my dad beat my mom and my mom hit me and my siblings. i got a real brother and three half siblings, my dad one child with another woman and my mom two with another man. but together they got two children and that was me and my brother. then after some time we moved to the downtown into a small apartment were we lived six people (my farthers son/my half sibling lived at his mom) but then after some time my two other half siblings moved over to my grandmother and grandfather so then we lived four persons in the house. me and my brother were only 5 and 4 years old, but then after some time they kind of got separated they weren't married. my mom moved out and found an apartment and she got her own two children back. then my father took me and my brother and we moved into a new blockhouse some miles away from my mom, but then my father hit me and my brother so we took care of each other and watched each others back. after some years my farther wanted my mom back but she refused so he wanted revenge... so he took a knife and waited for her outside on the street we he said to her "come sit down next to me take a beer and lets talk" then she said "no i got some friends to drink with, now go away" then he quickly took the knife and cut her throat and ran away. she ended up on the hospital and she survived. then he went to prison for six month and it was his fourth time in prison, we were taken to a orphanage for two years then while we were there my father committed suicide by hanging himself. then we were moved to some foster parents and im still here with my brother.
my mom is still an alcoholic but the doctors says her liver is bad and if she drinks to much it could end up pretty bad for her, but i dont care because she didn't care about me so i dont care about her. but then again i love her because she is my mom.
my child hood was the worst thing in the world, the result of this is that im a silent person i dont speak much, im afraid of everything, drunk people im afraid of, im nervous and confused all the time, i strain and i sometimes cant say the word, and i got the feeling people hate me and whispers behind my back. when im in the school then im just a servant to the others because then i think they will like me.
i pretend im happy but inside im sad and when i get home pretend im happy but im sad and angry. then i go to my room i sit down in front of my PC all day long and i play games with alot of gore and blood by my self, i watch videos recorded by normal people were you see a man get beheaded or a guy burning to death, i search for women getting raped and CP and i know its nasty and wrong but somehow i like it and i dont know why, i have gone to a psychologist for seven years now and i cant feel a differences from then to now. its like im stuck in a cage, its like i was chosen to be a lunatic and a depressed guy. sometimes i just start crying and i wish i could just leave this place and hope for something better than this. i want someone to understand and i dont want fake comments like "dont kill your self" i want people to understand how i feel,
sometimes i just wanna go to my school and kill all of them with a gun and then kill my self, or i just wanna rape some woman... i cant, i just cant take this anymore. please understand me,