My heart aches for you, because I have lived through what you are right now. Indulge me for a moment. By the time I was 25 I had lost both parents, a brother, a brother-in-law, mother & father in-law and a husband. I put all my thoughts and efforts into raising my three kids. When my youngest son was 12, he was diagnosed with the same disease that took his dad. He had to have his entire colon removed. Three months later my eldest son was diagnosed at 16 and had to endure the same surgery. He didn't do as well, and had so many surgeries, we lost track. He suffered in unimaginable ways, just torture. He did fine for a few years, married and had 2 little boys. But then his disease hit with a vengeance. Most of his life, his wife's and little boys were spent in hospitals. I lost my son when he was 31, leaving behind 2 little boys 6 & 9. As I entered the funeral home his yougest approached me saying "you have to be quiet grandma, my dad's still sleeping." Nothing in this world compares to the loss of your child, and I wished to live no more. But during all this I kept thinking of how hard my son fought for just one more day on this earth, how he fought with such dignity, crying yet never complaining, smiling and playing games in his bed with his sons. I thought, I have to stay for him and my grandsons, they need me. I was extremely close to my only 2 grandsons, one looked like his dad, and the other acted like him, so in some ways, I felt I had part of my son still with me. Just one year after losing their dad, with not enough time to come to terms with their loss, my 10 year old grandson was diagnosed with the disease. He had his colon removed, and due to complications remained in the hospital for 3 months. By the time he was 16 he had endured 38 surgeries. At 16 he developed a large Desmoid tumor (38lbs), it was removed, but my precious grandson was dying. With only 10 days left to live, a set of 5 organs came for him, he cried, saying he didn't think they'd come. Then cried on his way to the hospital, asking his mom if she thought the doctors would get then in him in time? He died 4 times during the surgery, endured Stage II organ rejection, and had to remain in their small apartment for an entire year, with nothing to eat by mouth. For this year he was on TPN which is where he had a shunt and would hook up to IV's at night to get his nourishment while he slept, just like his dad did. Last summer he was doing very well, and only had one more surgery to endure, and this was to remove his ileostomy and colostomy bags. His surgeon wanted to wait until after Thanksgiving to do this surgery so my grandson could enjoy his Thanksgiving dinner, as he was not able to eat any the previous year. This would allow him time to heal and graduate with his class in June '09. He called me the day before Thanksgiving, and was really down, saying how much he missed his dad, and wished he were here to toss a football with him. We spoke for about 40 minutes making plans to go Christmas shopping the following week. As we were hanging up he said "I love you grandma, and I said "I love you too sweetie." I got a call on Dec. 1, 2008, my grandson had walked to the little carry-out by his house and started vomiting blood. He called his mom and when she arrived he was standing in the parking lot still vomiting blood, both his bags filled with blood and he passed out. He was rushed to the hospital where he died, he had bled to death. An autopsy was performed to determine what had happened, I chose to not hear the results, as I want to remember his last words to me, and his wonderful smile that lit up a room and my heart. I cannot take hearing of any more of his suffering. When I said my final good-bye to him, I said "heads up sweetie, you dad just threw the ball..." His younger brother still wakes his mom with his sobbings at night, and still cannot sleep in the bedroom they shared as brothers. His brother's and dad's ashes sit side by side in their living room. He knows he may be facing this same disease. I think of my grandson, and how if you met him you would never know all he had endured, he was always making others laugh, upbeat. A typical teenager with plans and dreams for his future, a future that will not be. I lay awake at night still thinking of my son and grandson and wonder what fearful thoughts they must have had when they could not sleep. I think of their strength, courage, and how they were still thinking more about others than themselves. How no matter how great the pain, the long months in the hospitals, they still fought so hard to remain with all who loved them. It made me realize how selfish I was being, and how weak I felt in not wanting to go on when faced with all this, yet they still did. Somewhere in all this I found my life, I wanted to live, I wanted to be strong and brave like them. But most of all, I found all the good they must have still been seeing in this world through all their pain. How they could still laugh, and dream, and hope. I don't know how this can help you, I just hope it may touch something in you, deep inside that will give you whatever you need to get through this. Because you've got to, not only for yourself but for all who love you so much, and who could not continue without you. You deserve a life, and I hope you find it. Blessings....
My first question for you to answer for yourself is what physical checkups have you had? Much of what you describe seems to me to relate to some physical problem(s) and not depression as mostly these types of issues are not depression related. I refer to the physical issues.
If you haven't had that physical checkup that's the first thing to do, to at least eliminate any physical problems if nothing else.
There is always seemingly a connection between heart issues and anxiety. If your heart beats faster etc then you will feel anxiety. And the reverse, if you have bad anxiety then your heart feels like it is beating harder and faster. So that too needs to be checked to see which way the cause is going and coming. Follow? Is it some physical heart issue causing the anxiety feelings or it is the other way round? Docs inspection and diagnosis needed there.
The head vibrating, ringing in the ears, pressure behind your ears triggered by sneezing, blotchy vision and also caused by other pressure on your head would seem to be all related to me. And not related to depression at all. Any head injuries? Concussion?
The rest of what you describe is certainly standard depressive symptoms stuff.
My feeling is that the depression issues are emanating from the anxiety about what all the other pains and weird feelings are from. Depression often is caused by worry about one's health and if there is chronic pain it's almost inevitably co existant.
Yes there are meds you can take whilst pregnant but only a doc should advise on this. I find it's best not to tell them what you want as it's usually based on someoe else's experience which may be superceded by better and more modern meds. Certainly mention any that are raised but be open to the doc's currency in such information.
No you certainly can't just talk yourself out of it. Depression is an illness and needs appropriate treatment by people who understand the illness. What I mean by that is a GP may know virtually nothing and I would always suggest a psychiatrist for depression evalutaion and treatment. Additionally they are likely to know specialists in fields where you may need advice for the physical issues.
I have to admit to using my pdoc as a GP often as he has the knowledge and training. He doesn't mind as I've seen him for 10 years now.
My God --and I sit here with my simple problem looking for an answer, so I thought I'll read some posts on the depression forum for answers. I am addicted to lortab and am on my first day of withdrawl, (the depression is part of the withdrawl and it stays with you for a while after being clean) This is my second time detoxing. I have a back injury that causes severe pain- thats what got me started taking them in the first place, and escalated from there to abuse. I'm not proud of it at all. After reading your post I cried and cried. For me to sit here and think I have a problem and look for answers, then read your story made me realize I don't have it so bad and I felt so guilty. My heart goes out to you. Your story gives me inspiration and strength to go from here. May God bless you and your family. You are a very strong woman, you keep going!!!!!! Jamie47
Hi Jamie, thank you so much for your kind words. It's very difficult for me to write about this, but I was hoping if I could touch just one person, then it's worth all the tears. You have nothing to be ashamed of! Great pain needs to be relieved and sometimes addiction comes with it. I feel everyone' s problems are big, and important, but sometimes we all forget what real suffering can be. It makes me feel so good to know that I made a positve impact on you, I feel by doing this, my son and grandson's deaths were not in vain, thank you! I'll keep going if you promise me you will also? You'll do just fine, I just know you will. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. Blessings and big hugs to you Jamie.
Have you talked to your OBGYN/midwife about this? There be something else going on that is causing you to feel like this. Often there are free walk-in counseling services in cities that anyone can go to. I once went to one with my husband and the lady that we saw was the best counselor I ever met.
On the other hand, he went once and met someone who just made it worse and didn't help him at all. If you don't like who you are seeing just ask to see someone else. Good luck.