Aa
Guilt over loosing my baby
Terry died a week ago. In the past 4 months she had all sorts of health problems, but we got them all under control, only to loose her suddenly over an enlarged heart, something we were not aware of, even though we had so many visits to the doctor. I don't know if this only happens here, but I am also very angry at the doctors for not figuring it out. She was 4 months short of 10 years.
As if getting used to the idea that she is not around anymore is not enough, I feel a great amount of guilt, not only for the way I handled things at the end, but for the way I treated her. You see, before I had a child, 2 years ago, we were inseparable. We would sleep together, she would always be in my arms, on my lap for hours when I sat at the computer, she took such good care of me when I was pregnant being unusually (physically) close to me. But slowly I would restrict her of certain areas of the house, due to my stupid, stupid fear of her hair that was everywhere. Then she gave birth to a puppy and I bought them a bed of their own. From that moment on, I think I got it in my head that they are together and that she doesn't need me that much anymore. Add to that that some marital problems, my child whom I dedicated my whole time and energy to, I just feel like I ignored her so much. A pat on the back and few kisses every now and then. Now every time I look at photos of her, I feel like she is asking me: "Why don't you love me anymore?".
Why was I so selfish, what was I thinking? How could I have been so careless, I am such a bad person... She loved me so much and what did I give her in return? I just can't shake it off, I am a mess. I can't take care of my baby properly, can't wash myself for fear of getting rid of her smell, can't clean the house, also for fear of her presence being gone for good. I know I should get it together for my child, and my other dog-her daughter, I am aware of that. I am trying, but If I think of something else for 2 minutes so that I forget what happened, it feels that when I remember everything back, I am feeling that initial pain all over again. I tried to get out of the house, went grocery shopping and it was horrible. I cried non stop. I don't know what to do, I feel like I am loosing my mind, going crazy. I think I am punishing myself and I don't know how to stop it, when everything in my body tells me that I very much deserve to be punished. I think I am also writing this so that people know what a bad human being I am.
As if getting used to the idea that she is not around anymore is not enough, I feel a great amount of guilt, not only for the way I handled things at the end, but for the way I treated her. You see, before I had a child, 2 years ago, we were inseparable. We would sleep together, she would always be in my arms, on my lap for hours when I sat at the computer, she took such good care of me when I was pregnant being unusually (physically) close to me. But slowly I would restrict her of certain areas of the house, due to my stupid, stupid fear of her hair that was everywhere. Then she gave birth to a puppy and I bought them a bed of their own. From that moment on, I think I got it in my head that they are together and that she doesn't need me that much anymore. Add to that that some marital problems, my child whom I dedicated my whole time and energy to, I just feel like I ignored her so much. A pat on the back and few kisses every now and then. Now every time I look at photos of her, I feel like she is asking me: "Why don't you love me anymore?".
Why was I so selfish, what was I thinking? How could I have been so careless, I am such a bad person... She loved me so much and what did I give her in return? I just can't shake it off, I am a mess. I can't take care of my baby properly, can't wash myself for fear of getting rid of her smell, can't clean the house, also for fear of her presence being gone for good. I know I should get it together for my child, and my other dog-her daughter, I am aware of that. I am trying, but If I think of something else for 2 minutes so that I forget what happened, it feels that when I remember everything back, I am feeling that initial pain all over again. I tried to get out of the house, went grocery shopping and it was horrible. I cried non stop. I don't know what to do, I feel like I am loosing my mind, going crazy. I think I am punishing myself and I don't know how to stop it, when everything in my body tells me that I very much deserve to be punished. I think I am also writing this so that people know what a bad human being I am.
This is the second time I lost a pet. It is very different though, because the first time, he got hit by a car while he was with someone else, and I didn't feel these overwhelming feelings of guilt, just missing him and wishing he was still there with me ( he was 4 and a half).
Terry's problems started about 4 months ago, just a very, very slight limp with her right back leg. And I mean something like 4-5 times a day, if that, her leg would just slip a tiny little bit. After about a week or so, we decided to go to the doctor. While there, she was feeling fine of course, but the doctor said it was most likely her joints, so she injected her anti inflammatory drugs. The minute she got home I saw her she was feeling visibly worst, like she couldn't keep her balance and would slide on one side. I told my husband that the next day when he goes back, to make sure he tells the doctor. So he did, but the doctor said there's no way they could hurt her. So we went to another one, that did the same thing, only she said it was her spine. So we went to another one, this time to the best in our country, professors at the Veterinarian University, who did the same thing. And they continued to do so, until she could no longer stand or walk. They didn't stop for a while. She also had a slight head wobbling, and they figured it was some sort of virus in her brain. So they gave her a treatment that ultimately paid of and she recovered. I couldn't believe it! The thing is though, as soon as the medicine stopped, she would start to have the same symptoms again. We called and talked to the doctor, and she let us know, in not so many words, that she doesn't exactly know what she has, but that we should continue to give her the pills, because they somehow calm her down.
But in the meantime, I noticed something on her belly, which turned out to be skin cancer. She had surgery, and the cancer was completely out, as I caught it so early on. They advised us to do chemo, and we did. Terry took it so well, was playful and active.
A week before she died, her head symptoms started again. We called again (as we live quite far away) and the doctor said to be careful with these pills, because she may become immune to them. She was not feeling so good, but not so bad either. We figured it was from her head. We had an appointment on the 25th, but on the evening of 23rd she started to breathe heavily and then in the morning she started to cough. My husband took her to the doctor on the 24th, only she didn't make it back home. She died in the car, which she hated so much. Enlarged heart. The doctor said it is not something that happens in a matter of days. Yet nobody said anything about her heart. Maybe it was it all along, but I don't understand how they could miss it, several times.
Terry's problems started about 4 months ago, just a very, very slight limp with her right back leg. And I mean something like 4-5 times a day, if that, her leg would just slip a tiny little bit. After about a week or so, we decided to go to the doctor. While there, she was feeling fine of course, but the doctor said it was most likely her joints, so she injected her anti inflammatory drugs. The minute she got home I saw her she was feeling visibly worst, like she couldn't keep her balance and would slide on one side. I told my husband that the next day when he goes back, to make sure he tells the doctor. So he did, but the doctor said there's no way they could hurt her. So we went to another one, that did the same thing, only she said it was her spine. So we went to another one, this time to the best in our country, professors at the Veterinarian University, who did the same thing. And they continued to do so, until she could no longer stand or walk. They didn't stop for a while. She also had a slight head wobbling, and they figured it was some sort of virus in her brain. So they gave her a treatment that ultimately paid of and she recovered. I couldn't believe it! The thing is though, as soon as the medicine stopped, she would start to have the same symptoms again. We called and talked to the doctor, and she let us know, in not so many words, that she doesn't exactly know what she has, but that we should continue to give her the pills, because they somehow calm her down.
But in the meantime, I noticed something on her belly, which turned out to be skin cancer. She had surgery, and the cancer was completely out, as I caught it so early on. They advised us to do chemo, and we did. Terry took it so well, was playful and active.
A week before she died, her head symptoms started again. We called again (as we live quite far away) and the doctor said to be careful with these pills, because she may become immune to them. She was not feeling so good, but not so bad either. We figured it was from her head. We had an appointment on the 25th, but on the evening of 23rd she started to breathe heavily and then in the morning she started to cough. My husband took her to the doctor on the 24th, only she didn't make it back home. She died in the car, which she hated so much. Enlarged heart. The doctor said it is not something that happens in a matter of days. Yet nobody said anything about her heart. Maybe it was it all along, but I don't understand how they could miss it, several times.
Sweetheart, you haven't given yourself enough time to mourn.....Grief is a powerful thing.......We all beat ourselves up, wonder if we made a mistake, made a wrong decision, get mad at our Vet, didn't do enough, wish we could go back & change things, etc.....
This is part of the mourning process & it's normal!!! With time, you will come to terms with everything. You will be able to focus on the future AND will remember the past with smiles......
Fortunately, you have your child & Terry's offspring which will help you move forward...Concentrate on the present....
Each day will get a tiny bit easier....Just keep going!
If talking about Terry's illness would help you sort this out, then maybe you could come to terms with her medical issues....I would be happy to try to help you.....As far as the enlarged heart, one of mine has had one for many years that I'm aware of! However, I could help you with that.....
Please, know you are not alone.....We on this forum have all lived through what your describing......It will get better! Hang in there!!!! Karla
This is part of the mourning process & it's normal!!! With time, you will come to terms with everything. You will be able to focus on the future AND will remember the past with smiles......
Fortunately, you have your child & Terry's offspring which will help you move forward...Concentrate on the present....
Each day will get a tiny bit easier....Just keep going!
If talking about Terry's illness would help you sort this out, then maybe you could come to terms with her medical issues....I would be happy to try to help you.....As far as the enlarged heart, one of mine has had one for many years that I'm aware of! However, I could help you with that.....
Please, know you are not alone.....We on this forum have all lived through what your describing......It will get better! Hang in there!!!! Karla
Reading I don't see a bad person, I see a loving person..maybe too loving if that is possible.
The pictures "Terry" are saying "I love you" not something negative. Having a second dog, especially an offspring should help, let it, and your baby, now there is the place to build your focus on love and caring.
As for an enlarged heart, I doubt there is anything that could have been done to reverse that. In humans I think the only thing that is done is to control blood pressure to stabilize the condition.
I don't have an answer, but hope you can focus on the living and the future, that's where you are needed.
The pictures "Terry" are saying "I love you" not something negative. Having a second dog, especially an offspring should help, let it, and your baby, now there is the place to build your focus on love and caring.
As for an enlarged heart, I doubt there is anything that could have been done to reverse that. In humans I think the only thing that is done is to control blood pressure to stabilize the condition.
I don't have an answer, but hope you can focus on the living and the future, that's where you are needed.
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