my best friend was put down and i need to know what might have happened

[dayleob]

My sweet little maltese just turned 10. I had noticed for awhile when he barked excessivley..his tongue was bluish. I had taken him to his vet...who didn't seem concerned. One day about 6 mos. ago...he awoke not able to stand. It was dx'd as vestibular syndrome. It had nearly disappeared within 3 hours. Seemed ok...but then one night he started to act like he had to pee...every 2 minutes. The vet gave antibiotics...he seemed better. Then he awoke one night crying in pain. He acted as though his front leg hurt...although he had no accidents or nothing that I saw. Thought it was arthritis...gave him baby aspirin....which seemed to help. His appetite seemed to start dwindling down the last couple of months. He would sometimes vomit...sometimes had diarrhea...but it cleared within a couple of days. I then noticed one morning he seemed to be breathing abnormally. Rushed him to the ER...where he had a pleuril effusion...they did a thorocentisis...withdrew bloody fluid..which was analyzed and cells came back as abnormal...although they couldn't say for sure he had cancer. They told me to have an echocardiogram done...which had to be arranged elswhere. I got him home the next day...and he would now vomit even water. I gave him water by syringe...pedialyte. He could keep it down if given in small amounts. He would not eat at all. Took him back to the ER...they gave cerenia...but he still wouldn't eat. I fed baby formula by syringe. He was losing weight. I had him at his vet...nearly every day...where he received shots of antibiotics, in case of infection. The fluid culture showed small amounts of psuedomonis...but they believed it was not a true infection....but a contaminant. Oliver's bleeding times came back as normal. I took Oliver to yet another vet for a second opinion. He said Ollie was very sick..and referred me to yet another emergency hospital...where they believed Ollie had cancer but said even with further testing they might not find a mass. He had infiltrates in his lungs...some liver enlargement...something in his kidney...slightly enlarged heart..and thickened bladder walls. They told me the best thing I could do was to let Oliver go. I let Oliver go that night. He had not eaten in 10 days...he seemed very restless..where he couldn't get comfortable. I was exhausted...could not think straight anymore...and did not want to see my baby suffer. Now...7 weeks later...I just want to die myself still. I keep thinking that maybe Ollie stopped eating because he was traumatized by my having to leave him at the hospital...and all the testing. Or maybe he picked up on my fears...and if only I could have gotten him strong enough....I could have done more tests to find out for absolute certain why he was so sick....and what caused the pleuril effusion. I just want to go to sleep myself...and never wake up. I miss him horribly...and cannot believe he is gone...and I am the one who let him go. He looked up and he kissed me just after they sedated him before putting him down. I thought maybe it was the first time he felt better...from the sedation...and maybe he was just having some pain from a stomach issue...and MAYBE he could have been saved. If I only knew for sure if he had cancer...I could deal with it...but I got no real answer...it was PTE vs cancer vs CHF vs Cushings...infection etc....but no answer. I am truly devastated. I know I can't bring him back....but he was only 10. Two weeks before...he played tug of war...he was interested in things...but near the end he just was not himself. I am dying inside...thinking...he didn't know why he was being poked and prodded and left in places without me. I was even told he might have died from a broken heart. I am dying of a broken heart....because I couldn't save my boy. PLEASE PLEASE help me....I can't deal with this anymore...

[TwoBitsMom]

Dayle....
I am sitting here reading your letters, and it is scary......Everything...I mean EVERYTHING....that you are feeling and experiencing ...is exactly the same. The same emotions.....even the same reaction from my husband...!  He yelled at me last night....!  It was unexcusable for him to treat me like that, just because he doesn't understand how I'm feeling. I was hoping my Husband would try to support me in my grief.....I feel as though he "kicked me when I was down".....I know he misses her and he is frustrated with me crying about her....,but...He thinks..I should feel the same way he does.....I wish I did...but unfortunately....I'm not at that stage of grieving yet....and he just can't figure it out....!  GRRRRR..... It is horrible to have to deal with something like that when we already feel so bad.  That is why I am so thankful for this forum....because there are people like you, Nannysdad, Misfits4me, Ginger899, Ghilly....and so many more like them. You do understand...and all of you are willing to listen and offer help.....for as long as it takes....! Whew....I never though I would say this, but Thank Goodness for the internet...!
Dayle...as far as Oliver picking up on your negative energy....BULLPOOH...! Get that out of your head....!  If he was picking up on anything, it was your LOVE....and there is nothing negative about that. He left here knowing you loved him, and he felt it as well. There is no shame in letting your dog know how much you will miss him.
I will talk with you tomorrow....we can help each other through this...!  
Hang in there....Connie

[TwoBitsMom]

First...to Karla.....
Thank-you for your prayers, kind words, compassion, and continued support.....I have met so many caring and understanding people on this forum. You have my utmost respect.....you give so much of your time to try and help others with their grief....I commend you.....Thanks for being here....Connie

[dayleob]

karla....thank you for your thoughtfulness...I need to hear it right now. My husband is yelling at me that he is sick of me...of my crying...and to just get over it. I just can't. My heart actually hurts. Very real pain. I wake up to the thoughts of my baby...and go to sleep the same. I just want to sleep so as not to feel the pain. I'm not crying for me...I cry for Oliver...I don't know what he was feeling...what he would have wanted. The days are beautiful...he would have enjoyed them now. He hated the heat....just like I do...the days are cool and nice....he just loved his sweaters. It will never be the same....not until I know that somehow he is with me. Thank you again for listening....Dayle

[Misfits4Me]

Dayle & Two Bits Mom: This is for your both......I'm thinking about you today & hope life is alittle easier......Karla

                    THE RAINBOW BRIDGE
      
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown..

[dayleob]

Thank you for writing again....you are trying so hard to help me...and I just read your letter AFTER I already posted my letter. It seems like you went through almost the same with your pet...as I did. I had Ollie to his vet all the time. Ollie saw the doctor more often than I went myself. I told his vet that Ollie had a bluish tongue when he became stressed...but he didn't seem concerned. I noticed it for the past year...but not often. In the end...he truly had breathing problems. That is when he had fluid around his lungs. They thought because it was bloody...it was cancer. I thought I would die when she said that word. I nearly hit the floor. It was just so sudden. I still think Ollie had CHF ...not cancer...because of the way he had slowed down in the past year. But I thought it was just his age. The vet never said anything ....just did his regular exams. My life truly was centered around my Oliver. He was my savior....he was just always there for me. I feel totally lost without him. He taught me so much about love. I never ever in my life had that kind of love. I knew that there would be a day I would lose Ollie. But I honestly thought we would have at least a couple of more years together. I had only recently started feeling better myself...and able to take him places and do little things with him. Before that....we were home all the time. I wanted the time to do more with him...now that I could. I miss him so much....as I am sure you do too. How are you now? are you still having bad days? Ad is there anything you found that helps take away some of the heartache? I know my chest actually hurts...like someone is just crushing my heart. It is so bad sometimes....dealing with it. I know my boy never wanted me to be sad. He kissed away my tears so many times. He ALWAYS made me feel better. I try to think of what Ollie would want for me. GOD BLESS YOU....and thank you...Dayle

[dayleob]

Thank you all for your kindness and for writing to me. Talking helps while I read it...but then the times come where my mind won't stop re-living every moment of Oliver's last days with me. I remember taking Oliver into the ER the first time...hearing the word cancer. I see Oliver's tiny face...his pleading eyes as I left him in the oxygen cage. Ollie was never ever caged in his life....he was never away from me. It broke my heart leaving him...and I know his was broken as well. They did the thorocentisis...and his breathing seemed better...but he couldn't eat. I DID take him to the vets...back to the ER...I fed him by syringe..I tried so hard...but I couldn't help him. I took him outside on the swing and rocked him as much as I could. I told him how much I loved him. For the last 10 days it was nothing but vets and hospitals....and my baby was just so tired. After letting him go....I thought maybe he picked up on my fears and negative energy....and that was why he couldn't come out of it. I was so tired myself...I could hardly take in all the information anymore...I just wanted one of them to please give Ollie parenteral nutrition....make him strong for me. I couldn't stand watching him starving to death. The day before Ollie died he spent alone in a hospital getting I.V. batril for only one day....for what...they never gave it time to work. They left the catheter in so that I could bring him back the next day to receive it again. But then the vet referred me to another emergency Hospital with better equiptment....but I was told not to even bother with further testing as it may not show any mass....it could be everywhere....and it would be a waste of money. They said the kindest thing  could do was to let Ollie go. I took him home for a couple of hours before he had to go be put down. I thought of keeping him for just one more night....but I was so afraid of what the night would bring. I wish now that I had done that much....because when Ollie kissed me...I thought maybe...he was coming back to me. He drank a little water that day...without vomiting....he barked at a passerby. If I had ever known what my mind would do to me I would have had the testing done no matter what the cost. It had already cost thousands of dollars...but I'd have sold anything I owned to help my boy. Every morning I wake up to the thought my baby is gone....and it is the very last thought I have at night. I really wish I would never wake up myself....I want to be with him wherever he is. I pray to GOD to please give me a sign that Ollie is okay and with HIM. So far nothing has happened to give me that sign. I have Ollie's ashes...and a pendant with his ashes by my heart. I watched Ollie born...I had both his parents. But I had gotten very ill myself....and kept only Ollie. He was at my side for years when I couldn't move. He even tried to keep my husband who can be very abusive...away from me...as tiny as he was. Ollie was my sole companion...my soulmate. Only recently have I started improving physically...and I feel when my boy needed me....I couldn't save him. I loved the fall...and the holidays...but the thought now just makes me sick to my stomach....just knowing Ollie is not going to be here with me. We didn't go many places...just the two of us snuggling on the couch together...rides in the car...recently as I started feeling better. I have lost people in my life...and this pain is far worse. Maybe because Ollie couldn't tell me what to do....or what he was feeling. I just think to myself....what if I were a dog when I was so sick...and someone decided to put me out of my misery. I wouldn't have been here now. But that is what I did to my Ollie. I decided he had had enough. GOD did not take him. I did it. I actually feel as though I executed him. I know in my heart that I just couldn't stand to see him suffering....it was killing me watching it. I just wanted him to rest...and he just couldn't. But now the finality of it has hit me. He is gone. I can never hold him again...I can never kiss him again. I'm so very sorry for being like this. You are all very good people....to take the time to talk to me. I tried talking to vets....but of course they just say that it was the right thing to do. I feel as if I need to talk to a vet that did not treat Ollie....to see what they thought. I also thought my faith was very strong...but now...grieving like this makes me think that it is not so. Because if I truly believed...I would not be feeling this way. I would know for certain that I would be reunited with Ollie when my time comes to leave here. I hope we all do reunite with our beloved pets...I cannot believe there could be a Heaven without our beautiful pets. Some people say animals have no souls....how could they say that? Their souls are so pure...so loving....they deserve Heaven before us imperfect humans. Thank you all so much....for listening...for your heartfelt thoughts....Dayle