Please Help

[kaltiki]

I am 26 years old now and suffered from heavy bullimia (litterally throwing up after every meal for 10 years)  from the age of 14 till 24ish and heavy laxitive use from the age of 20-24... I got to a really low point and finnally got some help... The problem is i am now in a loving relationship and that has been keeping me sane and healthy for the past year, the first year i have spent not throwing up every day and i seriously thought i was recovered having thrown up proberbly only twenty odd times a year... my partner and i were delighted to fall pregnant, but 2 days ago in my 12th week i miss-carried and in the last two days have binged and purged twice... i am soooo scared im going down the  same path again.... in fact i know i am... and it terrifies me... but the loss of control in my life leaves me grasping at my only defence....MIA

[Newt171]

I had a loss at 22 weeks and may know a little about what you may be feeling.  What you may be experiencing is hormones and depression and it is coming out the only way you know how to let it.  Dont let it go without getting support.  I let my feeling inside and it made me a mess for years, I hit bottom.  You need support around you to get through this either by telling the people you trust or by seeking professional help.  Do not wait because this event can takes it toll on you, I know.  I did not go back to my bulimia but I cycled into depression.  The only thing that got me through it was meds and talk therapy.  Sometimes letting it all out to someone who is objective and confidential will help.  If you dont want to tell anyone you are seeking help for the bulimia, just tell them you need help dealing with the loss you experienced.  

[krzeaz]

i just thought of something else: see if this applies to you, too.  When i am bingeing, it is because i am trying not to feel.  not to feel helpless or powerless or because i hurt.  the bingeing does not take the pain away-- the pain is still there when the binge is over and i will again try to stuff the pain.  even thought i don't like the pain,  if i allow myself to experience it, it will eventually be over.  i won't have to binge over it.

[krzeaz]

i had to learn to respect my body's hunger and eat enough to fill myself and then STOP.  it was not easy.  i still cannot starve myself, or the result could be a binge.  i had to learn that my body has a normal urge to eat and a normal full point.  i was going past the point of full.  i made myself promises, like "this is the last time i'll ever binge" then eat a whole cheesecake or 12 creme-filled donuts.  the "last time ever" promises were a big part of the problem.  for just this one day, i  do not binge.  i try to eat enough good food to satiate myself and listen carefully to feel when i am full.  i had to learn that if i do that, i can be a normal weight without purging.  if i starve myself, i will binge.  so, i try to eat only when hungry, not according to a clock.  i eat only enought to feel comforable full,  then i stop.  (believe me, i don't do it perfectly but it is the only thing that ever helped me so i do the best i can at it and it works!!!!!!!

[Leigh24]

You need help.  Your boyfriend is going to find out sooner or later and relationships should be built on trust and communication.  If he was there for you once, he should be there for you again.  Is there any way you can see a nutritionist just once or any program assistance in the area?  What about your job and short term disability?  That's what I did.  It was so hard at first because I'm a work horse and such a perfectionist but I finally realized that my health had to come first.  You are very sick right now and need to do everything possible to get back on track.  You need to be held accountable for every meal right now and by telling people that will help hold you to that.  I hope you get some help my friend and hang in there, stay strong.  

[kaltiki]

now i know mia is back for the time being... as i have now been purging and am taking laxatives again... every hour im on the scales and constantly watching what i eat, my boyf leaves for work before me and i only work mornings so i am easily skipping breakfast and lunch and then eating a small healthy dinner whith a dessert of laxitives...... i never been to professional help and no one but my boyf and 2 best mates know they helped me get clean last time...  i simply couldnt afford to go to a centre or regular psych help... i dont know what to do as i am spiralling so quickk... i really thought i had beaten it and now its back and feels ten times stronger in it's grip...i'm too scared to tell my boyf as we went through hell two years ago because of my mood swings and depression boyught about by the fact that i was not eating and it was really affecting my mental state...aaaarrrrgggg i just feel like hell...

[Leigh24]

My heart goes out to you.  You need to seek treatment right now whether it be from a support group, nutritionist or therapist.  Having something as stressful as a miscarriage can definitely lead you down the wrong path again and you don't want to lose that loving relationship that you have.  And don't look at it as a result of your eating disorder, the fact that you were able to get pregnant is a great sign and means you can get pregnant again.  But you know if you fall back those chances will decrease.  Are you honest with your partner about everything?  That may help to if they know to hold you accountable.  I am in the same place you are and completely understand where you are coming from.  I was just diagnosed with herpes and my eating disorder is very strong right now.  Luckily I have a great therapist and support group to pull me through and I'm not going back to my old habits, I just can't.  You had the strength once to pull yourself out, you can do it again.  I hope this helps and take care of you.  Hang in there and take it one day at a time.  Don't be hard on yourself but talk about it and seek help from those you can trust and can support you.  Good luck and I hope I helped a little.