33 year old girl with 33 year old boyfriend who has ED: advice needed!

[Nomad_girl]

I am 33 and have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. He has always had issues sexually, and revealed to me early on that he has anxiety. This affects him sexually. He has been checked out by the doctor recently and there were no physical issues, so it seems that issue is largely psychological.

Earlier in the relationship, although the issue was a worry for me, I was supportive and didn't see it as a big deal. However, as the relationship has matured, I have started to be much more affected by it. I think this is because I am more sexually aware, more sexually confident and have a higher sex drive than when I was 27 (i have read that women peak sexually in their 30s).

The problem seems to have worsened and I have raised it with my boyfriend. We tried sex therapy and this was not very successful, and I have read books on the subject. He recently bought a **** ring and I was hopeful that this may help us, but we haven't really had hance to try it yet. Last night, we went to bed together and he didn't even get a tiny bit hard during foreplay.

I am an attractive woman and generally get a lot if attention from men. My boyfriend says he is still attracted to me, so I know this isn't the issue, but nonetheless I am often left feeling undesired and frustrated. I also feel as though I am the one always initiating ways to help the situation. I was the one to arrange sex therapy and read books about thse issue. I also pushed him to get checked out physically. He refuses to take viagra or other medication as he is worried about side effects.

My boyfriend is very good at giving me oral sex, but penetration is also a real turn on for me and an important way of being intimate. We very rarely have penetrative sex now. He says that, as long as I am pleasured, he is satisfied, but part of the enjoyment of sex for me is achieving mutual orgasm with the other person, and if he is hardly ever getting to that point, I feel like our sex life is incomplete. I really try to be supportive, but this situation is very hard for me as well.

It is at the point now where I am considering ending the relationship. The thought of doing so makes me extremely sad, but I don't think I can imagine a lifetime of this.

I am most interested in hearing from people (on both sides) who have been in a similar situation and can tell me how they coped and whether they have any advice. I don't know anyone who has experienced this and who knows how I feel.

[YardBull]

Since your boyfriend mentioned that he has anxiety, I wonder if he is getting treated for it, either with counseling or medication or both?  Beyond intimacy, is he interested and enthused about his work, hobbies, doing things with you, etc.?  If he no longer has interests in things he used to enjoy, perhaps he is also experiencing depression.  He could try counseling for anxiety and also get evaluated for depression.  He is quite young and should normally have many years of intimacy ahead of him with you as his partner.  He should seek out answers if only getting a physical checkup from his doctor as a start, mentioning this problem at that time.    

[Nomad_girl]

Thanks for the reply. He was having counselling a few years ago but then stopped going. It's very expensive here (in Ireland). I did mention to him recently that he should go back, but I'm not sure how much it will help him and he won't take medication at all, which annoys me, to be honest. I have been wondering how happy he is with life in general recently. He has been in the same job for a long time and doesn't have really close friendships like I do, but I feel that it's up to him to change things for himself and I intend to talk to him about that. I wish he would take ownership of the issue more and am frankly tired of owning the issue for him. It's starting to really wear on me.